“How To Handle Eldritch Love?Bombing Without Losing Your Witch”
by Dixie Bell — Familiar, Guardian, Romance Hater, Emotional Support Saboteur
Intro
There are many dangers in this world:
- Ghosts
- Doors that are not doors
- Void kings with boundary issues
- Councilors with shiny knives
- Foundational memories that think they are your therapist
But the WORST threat — the most insidious, manipulative, soft?spoken danger —
ELDRITCH LOVE?BOMBING.
It’s not sweet. It’s not flattering. It’s not romantic.
It’s WAR.
And I am here to make sure your witch survives it.
- Recognize the Signs of Eldritch Love?Bombing
If any extradimensional entity suddenly decides to:
- call your witch by tender nicknames,
- whisper personalized compliments,
- recall her emotional history,
- identify her with disturbing accuracy,
- or offer to “hold what hurts,”
RUN.
This is not affection. This is predation with frosting.
Signs include:
- The air gets warm but not nice-warm.
- Her pulse goes wrong.
- The tether vibrates like someone plucked it with bad intentions.
- Nolan looks like he wants to punch fog.
These are red flags the size of Foundry chimneys.
- Love Is Not a Lever (Stop Letting Them Treat It Like One)
Eldritch beings LOVE using love.
They think:
- attachment = key,
- devotion = hinge,
- emotion = permission,
- vulnerability = doorframe,
- and romance = access point.
They’re wrong.
Love is:
- messy,
- human,
- bite?sized,
- occasionally stupid,
- never symmetrical,
- and not a door mechanism.
Repeat after me:
“LOVE IS NOT ARCHITECTURE.”
If even ONE cosmic entity treats it like construction material?
I hiss.
- The First Defense: Interrupt the Pretty
Love?bombing always arrives BEAUTIFUL.
Beautiful is suspicious.
Beautiful is dangerous.
Beautiful is bait.
Your job is to:
- RUIN the moment.
- MESS UP the atmosphere.
- INSERT UGLY.
Examples of acceptable interruptions:
This tale has been unlawfully obtained from Royal Road. If you discover it on Amazon, kindly report it.
- Hissing
- Biting
- Spitting
- Knocking over a lamp
- Clawing the wallpaper
- Purring at a threatening volume
- Farting (rare but powerful tactic)
Never let the aesthetic settle. Eldritch forces need aesthetic.
You deny the aesthetic.
You deny the influence.
- The Second Defense: Answer Emotion With Insolence
If the entity says:
“I see you.” You say: “Stop looking.”
If it says: “Let me hold your pain.” You say: “Hold this paw while I claw your face.”
If it says: “You love him.” You say: “None of your business, creep.”
If it says: “Open for what you love.” You say: “I open cans, not doors.”
(Feel free to quote me.)
- The Third Defense: Keep the Witch Grounded in HER Feelings, Not Theirs
Witches are soft inside, okay? I’ve seen the math. They’re all curly emotions and overachievement.
A void king doesn’t need to break a witch. He only needs to shape her.
My job is to keep her shaped like herself, not like a door.
Tactics include:
- Claws lightly in her shoulder
- Loud purring
- Kneading her coat
- Tail flicking her ear
- Sitting on her chest
- Sitting on Nolan’s chest
- Sitting on BOTH their chests
- Knocking their heads together if they get sentimental
Sentiment is fine. Surrender is not.
I know the difference. Always ask me.
- Remember the Refusal Cadence (a.k.a. the Love?Bomb Repellent)
Margery figured out the trick centuries ago:
When something tries to use love as leverage?
You respond with:
Keep. Live. No.
Knock. Leave.
This teaches the threshold:
- Affection is not permission.
- Desire is not consent.
- Love is not a command.
Refusal is not coldness.
Refusal is protection.
If your witch forgets this?
Bite her.
(Not too hard. Just enough to reboot her brain.)
- The Nolan Factor
Nolan is both:
- a liability (affectionate),
- and the single strongest anti?eldritch deterrent I have ever seen.
Why?
Because his stubborn, protective love is:
- loud
- ugly
- uncurated
- deeply inconvenient to cosmic beings
- impossible to leverage
- and absolutely not available for renting
He does NOT harmonize. He does NOT say yes to pressure. He does NOT fall for manipulation.
This is infuriating for gods.
This is perfect for witches.
Use him accordingly.
- The Final Rule: If All Else Fails—Bite the Lovecraftian Entity
I am not joking.
If an eldritch being tries to love-bomb your witch?
Bite it.
They don’t expect it.
They don’t understand it.
They HATE it.
And most importantly:
They will remember that your witch is not alone.
Because I will ALWAYS stand between her and anything with:
- ancient gravity,
- forbidden affection,
- eldritch flirtation,
- or the audacity to weaponize love.
Love is sharp. Love bites back. Love has claws. Love is mine to protect.
And if a void king wants to turn it into a door?
He can pry it from my cold, petty, violently territorial paws.
Good luck to him.