I always hear the Protectorate is smaller than the Union. When two of every member is staring daggers at me, it doesn’t feel that way. This room is enormous. Thousands fill the General Assembly Hall on nine elevated galleries in a crescent shape surrounding the central stage where I am. The closer to the main stage the representative, the more powerful the race they represent. Behind me is an extremely large holoscreen. Camera drones buzz all about, ready to focus on whoever demands the floor. Already the room is in an uproar. Countless voices discussing everything from potential war in jovial cheers to the price of grain in wild vitriol. So, this is what true democracy looks like.

  “Order! We will have order!”

  In the center of it all, not far from the box Conqtor and I reside in, is the Majority Leader of the Interstellar Protectorate. Beyond High Council Member Mendas Cometfeller. This single man represents almost half the power in the whole of the Protectorate. Chosen avatar of the Leand Conglomerate.

  Leand are tall humanoids, just under 2.5 meters, with long multi-jointed arms ending in three fat fingers. They have two large, almond shaped purple eyes surrounded by marble white skin. At first glance, they don't have any mouths. They do, they are just always closed in such a way they can only be seen up close. Leand don't speak with their mouths, instead using vibrations from their slightly concave faces. Which is preferable. I've seen what it looks like when they do open their mouths. It's horrifying.

  “Now, onto the main issue at hand. Case Number XVS 3004. Accusations against the Galactic Union for unsanctioned border crossing, open hostility and piracy. The representatives from the Union have the floor.”

  Shouts and jeers erupt as our visage fills the holoscreen and stationary is thrown. If I was any closer to the Gallery I'd be drenched in a rain of angry spit.

  “Order! Order! One more word from any of you and there will be a personal fine!”

  The room quickly quiets to a low grumble before becoming silent once again.

  “Your defense, Captains.”

  Wait, we are defending ourselves? I don't even really know what we are being accused of. Did I miss that much? Guess I have no choice but to let Conqtor speak first. He can't be nearly as bad as I heard, right?

  “Our defense is as it was and shall continue to be. We reject this nonsensical trial. Reject the fraudulent accusations. And reject the validity of this council for any other purpose than to reach a swift and mutual end to all hostiles. Nothing less.”

  Another uproar. Letting him go first was a mistake. And what's all this stuff about “We”? I didn’t agree to any of this.

  “Triple fines to anyone that wastes so much as a single pen. Captain Tom, your statements. Preferably more productive ones if possible.”

  I miss when my job was to get shot at; didn't know how good I had it.

  “Ehem. While my compatriot could have said it less offensively, I do agree that there should be a degree of scrutiny. As I was rather preoccupied during the last assembly, may we review the evidence being presented against us?”

  “Do not encourage their delusions Tom. The millennia old coffin meat in the farthest corners of your vessel's deep freeze has more substance.”

  Shut up Conqtor. You are making everything worse.

  “Captain Conqtor, you will respect the authority of this court or be removed. Captain Tom, I have no idea how things are done in the Union but we here in the Protectorate do not like to repeat ourselves. However, given the circumstances I will allow it this one time.”

  The massive holoscreen turns into an image of empty space. A timestamp in the Common Protector Clock at the far bottom corner.

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  “This video was taken from the merchant vessel Voulin two months ago by the Union calendar. All hands were lost.”

  Far off in the distance, two vessels exit Hyper Travel. They appear as little more than tiny blobs at first. The camera magnifies countless thousands of times. Creating the clear image of two Union light Corvettes. It zooms in again on one of the Corvettes, a Union Naval logo clearly visible on the side. Then it fires. The screen goes black.

  “There were 84 people on that vessel. This is not the only such attack. No less than 9 vessels in the region have disappeared. We had assumed it to be well equipped pirates. However, this evidence suggests otherwise.”

  Those craft are only just large enough to even qualify as Capital ships. The Union generally uses them only for patrol and recon. Maybe as interceptors for customs. Not as long range deep raiders. One of the charges was piracy. Those little ships would have almost no cargo space. The fuel costs alone would make the endeavor a net negative. What would the Union have to gain?

  “What utter nonsense. Anyone who sees this as anything other than a farce should be removed from their position.”

  How did I end up with this blowhard as my backup? No wait, I’m supposed to be backing him up. He’s in charge of this mess.

  “Captain Conqtor, your lack of eyes does not excuse you from what we all know you can see. The Galactic Union killed Protectorate civilians. To say otherwise is to deny facts.”

  “My lack of eyes does not prevent me from seeing your lies. This trickery is pedestrian at best.”

  The giant screen now turns to an image of Sup, screaming directly into a drone from the second layer.

  “Petulant Union scum. No good can come from letting them speak any further. I vote to arrest them like the criminals they are. Who is with me?”

  Ayes call out from every section of the hall. We need to deescalate this quickly.

  “HA! You think you can arrest me? ME? The great Expeditionary Captain Lord Conqtor? You are not even fit to clean your own blood off my scabbard!"

  “Conqtor, what the actual fuck?”

  He turns to me with a sly grin.

  “We have them by their external genitalia now.”

  Was that a wink? Is that how his race winks? Wait, does he think this is going well?

  “Lay even a single appendage on either of us and you shall all know that even a mere two Expeditionary Captains is worth more than all of your wretched skins combined.”

  Oh Space Jesus being crucified for a third time, he thinks this is going well.

  “Hang them for their insolence!”

  “Your head shall be mounted in my trophy room!”

  I have to tug on Conqtor’s big stupid cape to keep him charging at the whole gallery. Security guards hold back the gallery from charging us. Forget the Cold War, this room is about to turn into a warzone all its own. One I don’t expect to get out of without… wait. What is that?

  “sssSSSSCEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!”

  I can feel my brain turning into oatmeal! My eyes are bleeding! I think I’m gonna blow out both ends! Somebody make it stop!

  “EEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeehhht.”

  Yeah, my ears are going to be ringing for a while. That was worse than the pulse smasher. And it was loud enough to make the whole of the Assembly Hall stop in their tracks. I get a brief glimpse of the culprit before he sheaths his weapon. Mendas retracts the last parts of his mouth. Even this small portion of the larger organ is twice the size of his head. Slipping deep inside his deceptively smooth body.

  “This may lead us all into war. I am prepared for that reality. I will not, however, allow that wart to star in this hall. This case is adjourned until such time as I am ready to continue it. Until that time Captains Conqtor and Tom are to be restricted to their vessels. Guards, see them out of my hall and out of my sight. Next motion.”

  Saved by the screech. Guards follow us all the way back to the APC. An unglamour exit for an utter shit show of an assembly. Conqtor is still grinning. Even wider now that we are no longer in public. So smugly satisfied with himself. Now two things today have almost made me puke.

  “That went spectacularly. Masterfully negotiated if I say so myself. And I do. I truly think we will be able to end this after one or two more successful assemblies.”

  “.... WHAT?!!”

  “What is that about what?”

  “That was nothing short of a catastrophe! All because you tried to get into a fist fight with Sup.”

  “As if it could even be called a fight. More of a savage clubbing. No, even that is giving too much credit. What is the smallest, most harmless infant beast on your world?”

  “You almost started a war!”

  “Did I? Did I really?”

  “... YES!”

  “Well, differentiating opinions.”

  If there is another assassination attempt, I’m going to kill Conqtor myself and blame them.