Culture is dead. I’m no pinky up, puffy wig type. I can appreciate the simplicity of a hotdog and a warm beer. Yet never, in all my years, would I think of crashing a high society Gala, that is being thrown in my honor just so we are clear, like a Greek letter frat after a sportsball game. Went from fine wine to kegstands so fast I didn’t even have time to unbutton my shirt.

  Of the many people who make up my crew, I made sure to only invite my absolute upper echelon. And even then they didn’t all show up. Conqtor here must have invited his entire ship. All the food has been devoured and the bar ransacked. You’d think we were being raided by pirates. We got guys swinging on the light fixtures. All thanks to my rank equal who is currently finishing up his 6th consecutive musical solo.

  “Thank you everyone! I’ll be here all night!”

  Conqtor finally gets off the damn stage to the cheers of his own men and disdained sighs of everyone else. Making his way to the far corner I have been forced into. All smiles as if we aren’t in a warzone of his design.

  “Thomasy boy. Glad to finally meet you, old friend. We must swap regalings of past triumphs over midnight wine.”

  “It’s Tom, actually. Just Tom. No last name.”

  “What a queer custom. A name is your story. My story is Lord Amadezious Conqtor Fentachhio BZZZZTXZ Grandurta the IV of the House Emptanic, 3rd in line to the throne and renowned across the galaxy as the greatest Master Duelist. And you, you insist on being just Tom.”

  Oh how I miss the days when Tritarion was the most pompous narcissist I’d ever met.

  “I prefer to let my actions speak, not my reputation. Afterall, we are here to represent the Union. The best of the Union.”

  “And are we not the best of the Union? Two Expeditionary Captains in the same place. Brothers in arms are, you and I . Close as the sides of a coin. ”

  “Perhaps not that close. Things were going far smoother before your unruly crew showed up.”

  “Is this not better than what was before? A microcosm of all the good the Union can bring.”

  “The ice sculpture is on fire.”

  My crew is now trying to wrangle Conqtor’s crew. Inanna has been dragging people around by their ears, or ear equivalent, like an upset mother about to spank some misbehaving children with a wooden spoon. Raze has two guys in headlocks and is handing them off to the security. Looks like Fairy and Sugar are joining the exodus out of this hole. Don’t blame them. Can’t imagine how many people begged them for a threeway. Joan is the only one who doesn’t seem to care. And given all the attention she’s getting, that might not be a good thing.

  “Do you always let your men ransack your guests?”

  “Oh please now, they are merely having a good time.”

  Sup rushes up with a purpose.

  “This is intolerable! I demand you remove your Union rabble this instant!"

  Conqtor just sighs. As if he was asked to go fetch the salt rather than get his hooligan army in check.

  “Right Hands of Light.”

  Conqtor’s voice is barely raised. I doubt it was loud enough to reach the whole room let alone carry over the roar of absolute chaos. Yet somehow, in a single instant, it all stops. Every single one of his rowdy band stop in their tracks. Waiting on his words.

  “Return. My will be done.”

  And his will is done indeed. Without barely a grumble they all file out in an orderly fashion. At least one person just had their life saved as he was just about to cop a feel on Joan. I can think of few ways that will lead to being inside out faster.

  “Hate to ruin such merriment. They spend so many long days cooped up in nowhere. I shall have to make this up to them.”

  Sup’s look of dumbfoundment mirrors my own. How did Conqtor do that?

  “Well, as I live and breath, is that Buenea’Venture? Oh, it has been years.”

  The story has been illicitly taken; should you find it on Amazon, report the infringement.

  Conqtor hugs Buennea’Venture like an actual old friend. The hug returned in kind.

  “You have grown Conqtor. Last I saw you, you were knee high. And an Expeditionary Captain. I am ashamed to say I could never have guessed.”

  “Had you told my younger self I would have called you a buffoon. How time changes all.”

  Sup turns his head in confusion.

  “How do you to-”

  “Know each other’s homes?” Conqtor has a smile that reeks of unaware smugness. “Why, my family had many feelings with Azoth Amalgamate in the time before the Cold War. Much good was made in those halcyon days. And much profit.”

  The CFO pats the Captains back.

  “We greatly miss those days. Hopefully this can be the first step towards a return to mutual benefit.”

  “As do I. Though I’m certain you are doing just fine without us. Without your resources nothing could have been accomplished.”

  “Do not sell your people short Conqtor. Your scientists were the key. Insallian is still our top selling product.”

  “As it is ours.”

  Insallian? Conqtor’s family owns the Insallian production plants? That's the most important anti-biotic in most of the Union. Guy must be worth a fortune. Sup seems to have had about enough of this chummyness.

  “Ancient history. Worthless for deciding tomorrow. There is little the Union has to offer us now.”

  “Perhaps not to you my serpentine friend. I find the greatest gifts come fast and from unexpected directions. For instance.”

  As if materialized from the aether, Conqtor now has a bottle of some tar black liquid in a crystalline bottle. Offering it to the bitter Habruam with much gusto.

  “A little taste of what can be offered. This is my family's brand. Beyond topshelf, I assure you.”

  Sup snatches the bottle into a clawed hand, rips off the cork with his teeth and takes an angry gulp. Begrudgingly, his frown becomes a slight smile. Catching himself in time to shake off the joy.

  “I, ehm. Thank you.”

  Damn. Conqtor does not kid around with his drinks. Sup wanders off, taking a swig at the end of each slither. Probably do the same myself if I was proven that wrong that hard.

  “Nothing turns opinions faster than a shared meal. Even if one person takes all the meat.”

  Seems a good as time as any to get back on track.

  “Would this be a good time to discuss -”

  “Oh heavens no. The night is still young and I and Buennea’Venture have much catching up to do. Not to mention the many ladies that need some attention.”

  I would ask what ladies, especially as almost everyone has already left. Though by the time I have a moment to even question his words, two appear from nowhere. He tends to do that a lot. A tall, incredibly thin insectoid in a flowing dress and a pleasantly plump reptilian in a figure hugging corset each clutch one of Conqtor’s arms.

  “I see you have brought a lovely as well. Exquisite taste if I may say.”

  Conqtor stares at Vivvian who has spent the last 20 minutes hiding behind me. She looks rather unimpressed.

  “Yes, well. I’m sure Vivvian would-”

  “Vivvian! What a fitting name for this extravagant beauty. Tell me Tom, would you like to trade dates for the night?”

  Think I’m gonna barf. I’ve never seen Vivvian angry before. Her feathers puff up all over making her look twice as big.

  “A true Lion has no need to roar. Only the kitten feels the need to shout their strength.”

  “Ah, but the Lion does roar. For to have strength and to show it are one and the same. Is it not the muscles which ripple and shine that makes one powerful? Is it not the voice of determination which carries authority across the land against any refusal to listen? Can one not help to show their superiority, much like beauty, in spite of itself. To hide who we are is against the laws of nature. To pretend we are anything else an affront to the higher being which blessed us. A betrayal of the long efforts to reach our highest point. I ask you not as a Lion nor as a Kitten, but as a man who sees a kinship with one as immaculate as myself, merely in a different means, to share our greatness together.”

  Aaaaan Vivvian pushed me aside to take one of Conqtor’s arms. The thin bug woman is forced out and left behind. Dejected and disappointed. The rest, including my former date, leaving without her.

  “Bar keep, something strong, straight and on ice. For two.”

  I pass the mushroom drink to the reject. She half heartily lifts it in a false cheer and we both down our glasses in a single go.

  “Look, I’m not going to ask for anything. I’m not that type. Let’s just drink away wasted night in similar company. That fine?”

  She pours another glass for herself without even offering me any.

  “This was supposed to be my night. I have wanted all my life to be with someone as great as an Expeditionary Captain. I could have bragged about that till the end of my days. Here I am with two in the same place, and I can’t be with either.”

  “Hhey now, I didn’t say no. Just don’t like to treat ladies that way.”

  “Oh right, you’re an Expeditonary Captain. And I’m the Queen of Duent.”

  “Well it’s nice to meet a Queen, then. Cause I’m Tom.”

  She stops mid drink, choking in surprise.

  “You are Tom? The Tom?”

  “Indeed I am.”

  “The Great Tamer of Monster Tom from the HHuman Empire?”

  The what from the where? Just roll with it.

  “Yes. Glad to see my exploits have made it all the way out here.”

  Her face turns from shock to barely contained glee.

  “So, do you want to take these drinks elsewhere? Your room, perhaps.”