Uhhhh… my head. Mouth tastes like vomit and after dinner mints. I think I told Inanna I thought she had a nice ass. Hopefully that doesn’t come back to bite me. Pretty sure she hates my guts as it is. What time is it? Eight thirty? Damn it. I’m already late. What happened to that wake up call? Better get to it.

  Huh. Why can’t I move my body? No, I can move my body. There’s just something on top of it. Feels hard. And also soft? I think there is something under my covers. What did I get up to last night? Don’t think I had anyone else come in with me. Guess I’ll toss off the covers and see if my life is in danger or not.

  Oh. I’m… not sure now. Why is Joan in my room? How did Joan get into my room? And why is she naked and hugging me like a baby with their first dolly? I didn’t think I was that drunk last night.

  “Joan. Joan, get up.”

  She stirs. Her many eyes start to blink awake.

  “Sleeps over?”

  “Sleeps was supposed to be over hours ago. Did you turn away my wake up call?”

  “Mens go to doors. Wakes Joan ups. Joan hiss till leave. Joan go to sleeps again.”

  Well that explains why I’m late.

  “Joan, how did you get in my room?”

  “Joan room lonely. No want lonely. Comes to Tom room. Door nos open. Small tunnel open.”

  She points to an air vent. It's about 20 centimeters wide. She squeezed though that?

  “Ok, but why were you under the blankets and hugging me?”

  “Harvester sleeps in piles. You nos does this?”

  “Not typically on a first date. And we haven’t even done that yet.”

  “Dates? It warms seasons. Second moons. Why we need know dates?”

  I’m going nowhere fast. Should get someone else to explain this. Probably Fairy. I’ve go to get presentable. Maybe take a shower. Don’t think I’ve had one for a couple days.

  “Nevermind. We’re late. I need to get cleaned up. Feel free to use my bathroom.”

  “Rooms for cleans? Just does here.”

  What does she mean- Oh, Space God why does this keep happening? Apparently she can peel off her skin. Which she does with her mouth by contorting into some crazy angles. Think I saw a cat do that one.

  “How about I teach you how we get clean the Union way?”

  “Unions way? K K. Hows do?”

  “Follow me.”

  I do my best not to stare at Joan as I lead her to the shower. It’s huge with nozzles in all directions. A genuine water show is an immense luxury in space. Usually we use disinfectors and a few wet towels. Gets the job done, it just isn’t particularly relaxing. I mean, I know those beams aren't going to slice my nuts off but I still flinch every time.

  “This one is for heat and this one for cold. Just a little turn and voila. We call it a shower.”

  Joan seems particularly interested at this. Poking at the water streams like it’s magic. Guess they don't have indoor plumbing on her world.

  “Wowez. What do next?”

  “You get into the shower and scrub yourself with these different liquids and bars until you are clean. Then you dry off and you’re done.”

  “Ooooes. Comes. Let's showers now.”

  “No, it’s ok. You go ahead. I’ll just wipe off in the sink. It’s all yours.”

  Time for a hasty exit aaaand she’s grabbing me. What now?

  Stolen from its original source, this story is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

  “Joan no shower lonely. Shower with Joan.”

  Suppress the thoughts Tom. She’s a giant flesh eating bug monster and an ambassador for an Empire that tried to kill you. It doesn’t matter that she’s got a killer rack and baby making hips now. This would probably break a thousand intergalactic laws. And all semblance of decency I have left.

  “Joan, if you are going to make friends with the Union, you need to understand that there are some things most people prefer to do alone. This is one of them.”

  “Please. Joan no like be lonely.”

  “Tell you what. Close this little glass door. You can still see my silhouette from the other side and we can still talk. I’ll be right here at the sink. I need a shave, anyway. Will that be ok?”

  “...Will talks to Joan?”

  “Yes. I will talk to you.”

  “K K.”

  Joan seems more scared than anything as she closes the door.

  “Tom still theres?”

  “Yes, Tom is still here.”

  I can hear her fiddling with the dials. The glass obscures all the juicy details though it still gives me sight of her silhouette. That curvy, tasty silhouette… She tried to kill you Tom. Just focus on your shave.

  “Tom still theres?”

  “I’m here Joan. I'm still here.”

  I miss my old razer. Sure a sharp blade and cream is primitive, dangerous even. But it felt really nice. Left a fresh and clean feeling across my whole face. There’s a sort of ritualistic satisfaction to it all. Like cooking your meat over a roaring fire. It doesn’t necessarily taste any better than one cooked in a compression oven. It just scratches a kind of ancient itch this fancy tech doesn’t. These heat razors, sure they are a lot safer and they do the job just as well. They just feel so… I don’t know, soulless?

  “Tom still theres?

  “Yes, I'm here. Not going anywhere for a while.”

  I’ll just get through the rest of my routine. No need for aftershave but I like it anyway. About the only time my face gets any real attention. Whoever invented instant anti-acne cream, may you be blessed with lots of money and endless blowjobs till the end of your days. Saved me and countless others in the awkward tweens. No water shampoo. Just rub the powder in and use a fine tooth comb to remove the oils and grim. It’s pretty gross. Reminds me of cleaning a dirty stove. Tugs the hairs a little too hard. You’ll always lose a decent sized clump. Good thing baldness was cured. Next step is a lot more old-fashioned. Towels, water and light soap. I’ve heard it called a whore's bath though most I know call it the soldier’s spa day. Just need to wipe away all the filth. Now the disinfectors. A wide, red beam projector. Kills bacteria instantly. Freaks me out a little. Reminds me too much of the older laser weapons humanity used before we joined the Union and got better stuff. I’ve used it to keep away the crotch fungus a millions times and every single time my mind tells me this is going to be the day it malfunctions and my future kids are erased from history.

  “Tom still theres?”

  “I’m here Joan. I’m always here.”

  Joan seems to be getting the hang of soap. Hope she’s using the right things for the right areas. Though really anything is better then where she was before. Whatever Harvesters do to keep themselves clean it only keeps the dirt off. She smells like a rotting tree. That pretty purple hair is all ratty and knotted up. She’s an easy eight when gross but I bet she’d be a ten when clean.

  I just called a bug creature a ten. Come on Tom, you’ve got better standards than that. I mean look at that thing. Nothing to like. Clawed, oversized feet. Swooping dragonfly wings. That fat stinger on a segmented tail coming out of those tight little hips. Legs that are long and flexible. A slender frame that she’s rubbing up and down with her strangely delicate hands. Lathering those soft, bouncy, gigantic t-

  “Tom still theres?”

  “Yes, yes. I was just, uh, getting clean.”

  Getting a call on my com watch. Looks like Fairy.

  “You got Tom. How's it going?”

  “Captain, are you almost ready? Inanna is getting impatient.”

  “Yeah, I’m working on it. I had a little set back is all.”

  “Tom still theres?”

  “Joan, you can hear me talking. I’m here.”

  “Is that Joan? Did she break into your room, too?”

  “Has she been doing that to everyone?”

  “At least me and Vivvian, far as I know. Almost scared Sugar half to death. Not exactly how I wanted to introduce them.”

  “Speaking of, when am I going to get to meet your little lady?”

  “I wouldn’t call her little.”

  “Tom still theres?”

  “Yes Joan. Fairy, I’m going to have to call you back. Let Inanna know I’ll be down as soon as possible.”

  “Aye aye, Captain.”

  The watch goes blank. Fairy must have been getting into the old Earth programs again.

  “Tom.”

  “Yes Joan, I’m here. I get it. You don’t-”

  Well, Joan finished her shower. Glad she put on a towel. Wish she dried off a bit more. Especially her hair. It’s wet and sticking to her shoulders. First time I’ve seen her with clean hair. She smells like flowers instead of musky dirt. Water dripping everywhere.

  Bug monster Tom. Flesh eating bug monster. With tits… am I this basic?

  “We, uhhh… we got to go. Very late. Inanna will kill us both if we make them wait any longer.”

  “Face.”

  Why is she touching my cheeks? Please don’t get so close when you look and smell this good.

  “Face change. Why?”

  “I shaved. It’s a human cleaning thing.”

  “Look better. Clean more days, please.”

  And she just walks away, leaving me in her flowery dust. Story of my life.

  …. I think I’ll shave more often.