I'm Sorry

  Kneeling before the grass in the main courtyard, face in her hands, the tactician let the water freely soak her uniform.

  “Has anyone ever told you that you’re a crazy sprinter?”

  Ty remained in her kneeling position on the ground—head hanging, long hair touching the grass that was now cleaned of any bile, hands covering her face.

  Overhead, a bell rang. She did not count the number of rings, focusing more on the pitter-patter of the rain, the cold droplets running down her hair and face to soothe the burning.

  “There’s the bell for the casters. Earlier than expected.”

  She pulled her hands away, opening her stinging eyes to see the rain on her palms.

  A distant memory returned to her as she observed the droplets. A dream. In the middle of the forest, holding onto her friend for dear life. He had been cold, on the brink of death when she had found him. It was obvious why he was there, lying in a bed of blue-violet flowers where no one would find him, icy rain mercilessly pelting down. She knew what he wanted and refused to give it to him. The Earth Mother did not deserve him.

  “We should go. I know it makes you happy to see your casters.”

  She wiped the warm droplets from her face one last time and stood up, gathering her hair in a bunch to wring the water out. The Caster’s Assembly was being held on the first floor of the lecture halls today, not too far. Close to their training grounds.

  “Want me to dry it for you?”

  “No.”

  Continuing to walk without paying Luci and his ludicrous proposition any mind, Ty felt unease slipping into her resolve; an alarming number of students were pouring out of a door into the caster’s lecture halls ahead of them.

  Most of them must be leaving now, she mused to herself, making it through the door into the caster’s hallway before turning toward a classroom where there were a few people leaving.

  “Emrys should be there too,” Luci commented loftily while falling into step beside her now that the hallway was wide enough for both of them.

  Em. Of course. I need to find out what it is…what that darkness is.

  Ty swallowed, turning to face the entrance with her back to the outer wall. Students were still leaving, but it was all a blur to her. She could only focus on the group of students standing at the back of the class, near the windows to the caster’s yard. They were talking to Em—she could have spotted him from miles away, after noticing the blackness surrounding him—with their backs facing her and Luci by the door.

  Look at them.

  The tactician turned to Luci. “Did you say something?” she breathed, suddenly feeling cold and exposed.

  He raised his eyebrows, but his lips remained sealed.

  She turned back, biting her tongue. The MATS official was talking to four people. Faris was easy to spot, slightly turned so they could see his profile. Beside him was Theo, who wasn’t wearing his physician’s robe, but a simple Academy uniform since casting wasn’t his official discipline. With his back to the two outsiders, he was small enough to be eclipsed by Em’s shadow.

  Two other students were standing to Theo’s right—she didn’t recognize them, but they both wore caster’s robes. Alex was nowhere to be seen.

  “He doesn’t look happy.”

  Ty blinked, not taking her eyes off her students and the blackened aura. Unhappy? Em had a smile on his face, Faris had a rare grin on his face too, and Theo…they couldn’t see his expression from where they stood, but there was no doubt in her mind that he was elated. It was his teacher. His eyes shone when he spoke of him; he was the one who had saved him all those years ago. He was the one who had given him hope when nothing was left.

  So…what was she doing?

  “The professor.”

  The professor?

  Her eyes shifted, focusing on the shadowy figure by the back window. Leaning on the glass, arms crossed and looking to the left where there were the other casting professors, he looked even more displeased than usual. His eyes were lowered, his mouth half-open in disgust as if he were being forced to contribute, whatever words leaving his mouth to address his peers short and disinterested. It was as if the tiny caster emitted an invisible, murderous black aura himself.

  “Wonder if it’s ‘cause of Em.”

  As she watched Nate, she felt herself crossing her arms too. It was cold. Like how the professor’s skin had felt. And then warm. Curt words tinged with a spark of fondness.

  Thank you, he said once and never again, because it was enough for a lifetime, that one time.

  “Oho.”

  Snapping out of her reverie, Ty blinked and saw the professor turn his head to face her. His glare softened. His eyes grew wider, more alert. He closed his mouth, straightened his back, and then uncrossed his arms.

  And then before Ty could react, Faris turned as well, exposing the violets she had remembered from that one night. His smile dropped.

  Em looked up, his face obscured in shadow. An aura of death.

  His shadow began turning.

  Ty grabbed her robe close and bolted.

  * * *

  “Wow, you really made sure he didn’t see you,” chuckled Luci amusedly, eyeing her white knuckles.

  Heading out into the courtyard, Ty dug her nails into her palm.

  You said you’d take care of it, remember?

  Like I’ll live long enough, she challenged herself.

  Ensure your favorite authors get the support they deserve. Read this novel on Royal Road.

  No, but someone else will.

  The memory from the courtyard. A sword above her head. Swinging down. Blood. Tears.

  Get out of my head.

  “Do you feel any better? You didn’t even get to talk to them.”

  She gritted her teeth, continuing to walk out into the courtyard, beyond annoyed at herself for being caught. The visit wasn’t entirely useless, but there was still something eating away at her. The memory of violet and rain? The professor’s palpable discomfort? The darkness surrounding the old sorcerer?

  “I wanted to see them,” she started, trying to make sense of her thoughts aloud.

  “Them?”

  What about the darkness? What about it differed from…from the man in white? Why did it feel so familiar?

  “Emrys.”

  “Just Emrys?” Luci smiled.

  “It’s…it’s the shadows,” she tried to explain, looking left and right as she reached the main courtyard path, watching the students walk past, waiting for a chance to step in. “Haven’t you noticed? It’s so familiar.” The truth was pouring out again, this time of her own volition. “How can I be the only one who sees it? He…he looks like he’s beyond his time.” She took a step forward. “Putrid. Rotting. Like something’s…something’s dying.”

  But then, instead of taking another step, she stopped, turning immediately to the bemused Luci. “That’s it. I know where it’s from.”

  How could she not have noticed before? The wispy movements of the darkness—even though the colors didn’t match, even though the fog was thick—there was no mistaking it. It was from her dreams. It was the darkness that surrounded her. It was the guilt. The guilt of the souls that she had reaped, the sins that lay in her sword. And if there was somewhere she could go to check, if there was someone she could go to, it would be the professor. And if not the professor, if not the Headmistress, then…

  * * *

  “Who were you looking for?”

  Ty surveyed the empty study room with its familiar plush floor and walls, mismatched books with bizarre topics beside each other, lit fireplace, couches and armchairs surrounding it, and mahogany study desks. And above all, the overwhelming hollowness she had grown so accustomed to.

  “Anyone,” she whispered under her breath as she walked through the chairs and desks, stopping when she reached a large stack of books on a desk near the fireplace.

  Anima bonding.

  Blinking, she picked up the book and examined the one under it.

  Beyond the Flesh: Conversations with Ancients and Anima.

  For a reason she could not explain, a chill ran up her spine, and she put down the books without delving further into the pile.

  “Did you find something?” spoke Luci curiously as he sat across the desk with the tomes, craning his head to read the titles too.

  Ty turned around and walked past the desks to the back of the room, where the fireplace was. By whom it had been lit and for how long it had been burning was left unanswered as she surveyed her surroundings again.

  She imagined Cyril sitting at a table with Theo. She imagined all three of them looking for a book together, but instead of finding it, they were hurried away instead. She imagined a more blissful world, where the doubt had not been sewn, where she could stand side by side with her friends. Where there were no tears, where the Headmistress didn’t have to hurt anyone that night, where she didn’t barge in to stop them from realizing their fate.

  Bang.

  Her head snapped up to the shadow at the door.

  “Huh. That was easier than I expected.”

  “I thought it locked behind us?” asked Luci with his head cocked and hand hovering under his chin.

  “Oh, it did.” Faris, brows furrowed, casually rubbed his wrist. “I used another spell this time—a non-trigger one, so it shouldn’t have set off any alarms.” He winced and let his arms fall to his side. “Did not expect the kickback, though.”

  Despite her soft spot for the caster, the tactician could not hide her annoyance. “What are you doing? This is—” Her voice faltered as she watched Faris turn from Luci to her. “Have you learned nothing?”

  Her words seemed to affect the steely Faris far more than she had expected as she watched him stare at her with a long, knowing look. Mouth slightly agape, the sarcastic retorts and smart quips that he had been known for did not come to him—instead, he offered a muted and measured reply. “I’ve learned enough to know that you’re keeping secrets from us.”

  Ty clenched her fists, holding her tongue.

  His eyes gazed at her expectantly, the stupor gone. “Is there anything you want to tell me?”

  When she did not reply, Faris gave the lackadaisical Luci a side-eye. “Does the perverted creep have anything to say?”

  Impervious to the insult, Luci smiled politely at the icy caster, even chuckling. “Ty wasn’t feeling well, so I suggested she come visit the Caster’s Assembly. That’s it.”

  Faris turned back to Ty without even acknowledging the answer, waiting intently as his original question hung in the air.

  Say something.

  Any sliver of truth that could have possibly left her mouth at that moment would never have been enough. And if it was, there was a possibility that he would never be the same—she had the power to keep him safe, to keep him ignorant and in the dark. Whether it was right…she wished someone had an answer for her. An easy way out.

  Bad end, she imagined her old self whispering into her ear.

  “I’m so sorry, Faris.”

  “Are you?” he quipped back without a second’s pause, his face distorting into a mixture of anger and sadness. Her chest hurt, looking at him.

  “Are you actually sorry?” he asked again, louder this time.

  “I am,” she responded in her same small voice.

  His expression contorted, and her chest felt so tight it was going to burst. “You too?” he uttered quietly, matching her volume.

  Silence.

  With his eyes glued to the floor, he shook his head slowly. Once, twice. And then he inhaled. “Everyone’s seen you leave in the middle of the night. Usually on the weekends. Sometimes you don’t even come back until the night after, or not even that. Sometimes one or two of us need you, and you’re not there. So we go to Theo. But he can’t solve every problem, least of all the problem of you being a closed book.

  “I don’t know what started it, but ever since that day—the day you asked me to come up to do reports with you and I didn’t, the day we were supposed to have that duel that eventually got canceled. You were gone the entire time, and when you finally came back, you told us nothing. You’ve been telling us nothing ever since—aside from mandatory class meetings, exercises…what does that even matter anymore? Everything’s changed. They’ve announced that we’re going to war against the entirety of Chloris, something to do with the Ancients. Was it something to do with our Ancient community being torched in the middle of the night? No one knows. Was it something to do with the Circle of Graces being disbanded? Again, no one knows. No one tells us anything. We don’t matter.

  “It doesn’t matter if we get good grades. It doesn’t matter if we attend classes, learning off textbooks and filling out blanks on tests like our lives depend on it. We haven’t seen actual combat yet, and most of us have never even killed a person—chances are, we’ll be ones getting killed off, fed to the enemy like fodder. In fact, I think you know it too. There’s no point in all these facades and play-pretend.”

  He raised his head, expression ice-cold. “So let me ask you again—is there anything you want to tell me?”

  I’m trying not to fall apart.

  “I…that day, in the Headmistress’s office.” Her head felt light. The tightness in her chest was suffocating her. It was hard to breathe. “She asked me to do something. I said yes. I’m just…I’m just carrying out orders. I don’t know what else to do. I’ve…”

  She faltered, imagining the blood running through her veins. The blood on the grass. On her feet, on her hands. Dripping down Callie’s leg. Flowing out of Faris’s violet eyes. Running through her sword until it reached her, the origin of all suffering. A sin so astronomical that even the greatest of floods could not have washed it away.

  “I’ve been waiting all this time. Waiting to figure out what it is, why I’m here. Why someone like me was allowed to live. What my purpose is. I used to think that it was to be happy…to do what made me happy. With all of you by my side. Through thick and thin, through war and suffering. But I think it’s…it’s something else. I’m so close. I’m so close to finding the answer I’ve been looking for all this time.”

  Silence.

  “And we’re not enough?”

  For the first time in a month, Ty couldn’t hold it in. The insufferable feeling in her chest that she told herself she could not let go of until she was behind closed doors with covers over her head and hands to her ears as she sobbed into her linen and fell asleep; the feeling of being weak, the feeling of inadequacy, of responsibility. Of being trapped, forced to do what others said was right, having put herself in this mess, not being able to change, not being able to turn back time, not being able to tough through the one job she had been given without falling apart, not being able to help anyone, not being able to do anything but fail everyone she loved.

  “I’m sorry I haven’t been the same,” she cried as she continued to face the one remaining person who she had been afraid of failing. “I’m sorry for not saying anything. I’m sorry for being distant. I’m sorry for saying yes. I’m sorry for being weak. I’m sorry for being responsible for everyone’s suffering. I’m sorry for being me. I’m sorry for being born. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”

  Her knees finally buckled, returning her to the refuge of darkness.