Courage

  Crackle.

  She pulled her knees up to her chest and watched the dancing flames as she savored the memory. Savored the warmth. The rain.

  “Ty, you’re still awake?”

  The tactician snapped her head up toward her classmate, who had emerged from the dorm hallway.

  “It’s almost morning…what in the world are you doing?” Alex mumbled, rubbing her eyes and yawning while walking up to Ty.

  “I couldn’t sleep,” she admitted, offering the sleepy student a small smile.

  Sitting down beside Ty, knees to her chest as well, Alex looked at Ty with a face full of concern. “Are you still worried about what…what happened? If you’d like, I can listen.”

  Ty shook her head. “No, that’s alright.”

  “Are…are you sure? I mean…you—you haven’t really been…” She let her sentence trail off, her expression downcast and sympathetic.

  Yes, Ty knew this. She knew that the class morale had severely dwindled over the past month, and it was largely her to blame. Even if everyone was busy studying for written exams instead of socializing, she was the tactician. She had a responsibility.

  “I know,” Ty nodded, feeling like all she had been doing these days was nodding and agreeing with everything, not really listening to what was being said. “I know, Alex. I’m fine. Thank you.”

  Alex tried her best to give her a smile but only made it halfway before she turned away. “W-well,” she chattered nervously, voice breaking, “if you…if you ever need anything to sleep—I know Selene has been cold to you recently—you can let me know. I have some herbal tea that might help.”

  “You’re very sweet, thank you.”

  “Anyway, I’ll…I’ll go now.” Getting up and smoothing her nightgown before wiping her face with a sleeve, Alex explained, “Just came to check on the report…”

  As her classmate’s voice trailed off, Ty shifted to Theo, who was still fast asleep.

  You should have gone back to your room, she could hear him groan. You didn’t need to stay with me.

  But being with him was the only real sense of normalcy she could find in her teetering world, only tearing her eyes away from him when Alex finally hurried back through the hallway without another word to add.

  Silence, yet again.

  Ever the empath.

  Resting her back against the armchair, Ty returned to the fire.

  What else happened after the fight? What else happened besides the studying, the lectures, the same old suppers? she asked herself.

  I went back to normal. I felt cocky, I felt powerful. I felt like I could do it—the mission. But I needed to know. I…I had to know. If I didn’t do it then, I’d never end up doing it.

  * * *

  At the top of the Month of the Third Grace, Ty caved.

  She walked into the tent, head bowed at first with Darius behind her, and then finally summed up enough courage and indignation to meet the Elder’s eyes.

  “You coward,” spat the Elder immediately.

  And then the anger came.

  “How am I the coward when I show up here week after week to kneel before you, only to be ignored and dismissed? Especially given that I know what you’re going to do to me?” she seethed back, balled up fists to her side.

  “Four weeks just to say that?” countered the Elder in a disparaging tone. “Disrespected tradition to say that?”

  Ty could barely contain her ire anymore as Darius put a hand on her shoulder, which she promptly shrugged off. “All I wanted was to be treated like any other person, and all you’ve done is treat me like I’m some sort of abomination before even getting to hear from me. How is that fair?”

  Unsurprisingly, the Elder knew she would say something to this effect. “Fair is all this having been done and finished with decades ago. Don’t talk to me about fair.”

  “Well, it’s not my fault!” The words slipped out of her mouth in anger, and she could hear how petty and childish they sounded.

  The Elder raised an eyebrow, her voice patronizing. “You certainly aren’t well-informed, child. Poor thing. Honestly, so awful, having to relive your comfortable life with that ineffective, spineless mother when all we do is sit here, having lived every moment of every circle and watching it happen, waiting for you to grow up!”

  The tactician inhaled and exhaled shakily, trying to ground herself when Darius once again placed a steady hand on her shoulder. This time, she did not shrug it off. “So that’s it, then. Your plan was just to have me kneel here, week after week, until the day I did what you wanted.”

  The Elder finally dropped her degrading facade and gazed at Darius neutrally. “Well, it seems like she is capable of some thought.”

  But before Darius could give any reply, Ty could not help but continue to let out all her pent-up disappointment, all her expectations that had been shattered since her first visit. “Why can’t you just tell me to do it? The Headmistress is on your side, isn’t she?”

  “You have no idea whose side she’s on,” grimaced the revered Ancient now, looking disgusted at the insinuation. “We should have killed her when we had the chance, if we had known what she was going to do. If we knew Darius had no intention of keeping up his end of the bargain.”

  Ty swiveled to face Darius. “Darius?” she hissed.

  “What?” the Elder snapped impatiently. “Haven’t even learned such a simple lesson? We may be kind and benevolent, but we still have tradition.”

  Tradition. Why does that word keep popping up?

  “Why—why don’t you get tradition to save you then?” she spat.

  Instead of answering her question, the Elder turned around, sat in her chair, and crossed her legs. Her tone was less bitter and accusatory this time. “We will be saved when the world burns to ashes, and the sinned have been returned.”

  “And who’s going to be responsible for that?”

  The Elder shook her head. “You still don’t understand. You still can’t hear yourself, how sheltered and privileged you sound. I had a shred of respect for you before today, thinking at least you had the courage to respect your people—but you are as soft and pathetic as all the other times you’ve visited me. A disappointment like your mother, your father. Like Darius. Funny, how many years ago it was.” Her disdainful gaze shifted to the Ancient, eyes narrow and piercing. “Is there not a day when you regret having abandoned your family and community for that pathetic excuse of a woman?”

  Darius did not reply.

  “Is there not a day where you don’t see your mother’s face pleading to you as you made your decision, begging and crying, ‘I can’t lose you, too’?”

  He still did not reply.

  “Do you not see her face and see his, too?”

  Silence.

  Having proved her point, the Elder unclasped her hands and gestured to the speechless Ancient with open palms. “Cowards, the lot of you. This Circle will be a failure, just like the rest; the Earth Mother will reign. Chloris will fall.”

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  With that, she waved the two away and crossed her arms against her chest and looked away.

  “Hope is a deceitful word, full of empty promises and unfulfilled expectations. A common word fashioned to corrupt, justify indolence, soften the wavering spirit; until the first blood is drawn, we may not hope.”

  But the damage had already been done. She was likely never going to see the Elder again. There was no reason to care.

  “What’s this truth, then? What don’t I understand?”

  The Elder did not answer.

  Tears welling up in her eyes, Ty yelled, “I’ve already accepted the fact that everything has to go, that people that I love will die, that I’ll die, so what truth can’t I stomach at this point?”

  Still, she did not answer.

  “Ty,” Darius finally spoke quietly, letting go of her shoulder and putting his hand flat against her back. “Let’s go.”

  For a moment, as Darius slowly nudged her forward, she imagined herself having taken another path not so long ago. Made another decision. Showing the Elder forgiveness when she could not forgive her. Taking back all her angry words, reaffirming her desire to help and do something good, even if her words fell on deaf ears. Show her the kindness and compassion she had been taught, the patience and understanding she had always been treated with by her peers.

  Remorse. A different path, back when she cared about right or wrong, instead of listening to her heart.

  “Ty,” prodded Darius again, applying more pressure against her back.

  She wiped her eyes angrily and bit the inside of her lip, staring daggers at the nonchalant, impassive Elder as she finally capitulated, heading out and lifting the cloth opening to the tent when she heard the Elder’s voice:

  “I trust you still have that blade, Darius.”

  “Yes.”

  They stepped out into the open.

  “What was that?” Ty asked once her classmate gave her an expectant look.

  “This is my community. I have known Elder for long time.”

  There was far too much that he hadn’t told her.

  “You left your family to follow the Headmistress?”

  Neither his eyes nor his aura wavered. “Yes.”

  “Why?”

  “I made a promise to someone.”

  “Who?”

  He shook his head. “Someone important.”

  She exhaled now, trying to let the residual anger go as she surveyed their surroundings. “Where now?”

  Darius started making his way to the center. “We go to trees. I want to show you.”

  Had he asked her that during the first visit, she would have gawked. Everyone knew only Ancients were allowed to approach them, especially because of MATS’s tightening grip on the Ancients and the invaluable resource that were their Souls of the Earth Mother. No one wanted anything to befall the sacred trees, least of all the Ancients—so, in return for protection, in return for keeping their people and their sacred trees safe, the proof of the Graces’ and the Earth Mother’s existences, the Ancients churned out tome-making supplies.

  In the shadow of the leaves, eyes pointed forward, the tactician followed her classmate while trying to ignore all the furtive glances, all the things she felt like the others were saying about her.

  Look at the child, look at how she spoke to the Elder that way.

  They’re not actually going to let her near the trees, are they?

  Maybe it’s a good thing that we’re going to perform the rites.

  “The blade she spoke about—is it the one you’re going to give me? The one you’re enchanting with a thousand tomes?”

  “Yes.”

  “And why does it matter?”

  The Ancient hesitated as they arrived at the entrance to the building. “It is said that…it will become a sword that absolves sins.”

  We will be saved when the world burns to ashes, and the sinned have been returned.

  Without giving her any chance to respond or process the words, he walked into the modest hut.

  “Oh!”

  Selene, both her forearms covered in a whitish paste, nudged her loud classmate with her clean elbow. “Shhh!”

  “What? You shhh!” Cyril shushed back.

  “Quiet.”

  Both of them looked up at Darius with wide eyes before simmering down and returning to their tasks near the corner of the hut.

  The small botanist, arms deep in a wooden tub filled to the brim with a viscous liquid, hair in a bun, sleeves rolled up all the way to her shoulders, proceeded to stir and mix the whitish-translucent contents; the tense healer, sitting hunched on a small stool over several baskets of jet-black leaves, blowing his long bangs out of his eyes when it got in the way, continued to separate the veins and stems from the soft black flesh of the leaves.

  “Ty.”

  The command came from Darius, who was now conversing with another Ancient. “We go trees,” he said once she walked over, nodding his head over to the back door of the hut.

  “Just like that?” Ty finally thought to question, eyes shifting from her classmate to the anxious Ancient beside him, which prompted the stranger to speak to the halfling in their language.

  I…I don’t understand.

  Darius retraced his steps, voice uncharacteristically stern and vexed. “She does not know what you are, your color. But I assure her, you must be let in.”

  “There are safeguards though, right?”

  Darius glanced at his other classmates who had stopped to listen. “Correct. There is Ancient spirit. All Ancients and descendants have.” The serious look he gave Ty was full of meaning. “It is in anima. We cannot control. Either have or no. If no, trees will oppress. Stop.”

  “Hey, but they didn’t even let us go near it, how do they know?” complained Cyril from the back with a pout.

  Darius regarded the royal with an amused look. “This true. Some descendants, if line is pure, is special, have in anima. We do not know, must try to know. Royal, Cyril, maybe, but royal line is in female. Very few male work. Can not go far, but work.” Then, he shrugged. “We cannot tell for sure. But no matter, we do not let anyone but community in. Must not sully.”

  The Ancient in charge guarding the door shook her head disapprovingly at hearing this and uttered a short, decisive retort most of them did not need to understand for the point to get across.

  Defeated, Cyril deflated, his hair falling dangerously close to touching the black, inky leaves.

  “But if the trees deem us worthy, shouldn’t we be able to go in?” Selene fought in his place, wide awake and inquisitive, wiping the white sludge off her arms before standing up.

  Caught between his people and his classmates, Darius did something extraordinarily rare—he cringed. His once-neutral smile became a frown, and his eyes wavered nervously, desperate to lose the attention of the four people in the room.

  “And if we can’t, then why can Ty?”

  Darius’s face contorted even more, as if in pain.

  Selene walked up to the three and gave both of her classmates a critical look while Cyril stood behind, having abandoned his work too. “Ty’s a commoner. Why can she go?”

  “Ty not same.” Darius lowered himself and shook his head at the botanist. “Ty is special, Sel.”

  Like a spoiled child, Sel simply crossed her arms across her chest. “I wanna try. Cyril and I should get to try.”

  Sighing, Darius turned to the other Ancient and said something lengthy to her, followed by a bow at the end, which must have been something special, because they finally looked the other way. The look of displeasure did not fade, however.

  “Okay. Selene and Cyril try. Then Ty and me go,” Darius sighed with the weight of his entire body, gesturing for them to follow.

  For a door that led to the sacred sanctuary, it certainly did not look particularly special. Darius pushed it open easily with a gentle touch, leading the way down a dark and narrow corridor before stopping and turning to the three students behind him.

  Gesturing to the brilliant burst of white light in the distance, only a few steps further down the path, Darius whispered, “Sel try first. If can stand in light, then means yes. Then, come back. Do not enter more than step into sanctuary. It will hurt.” He made sure to get his point across by tapping her sternly on the shoulder to get her attention, as she was often caught not listening halfway into a sentence. “Understand?”

  Selene nodded several times, the bun on the top of her head bobbing along enthusiastically.

  The large Ancient stepped aside, opening the path.

  As Darius and Cyril watched Selene slowly make her way down the path and toward the bright light of the sacred trees, Ty kept her eye on the Ancient.

  “You know what’s going to happen,” she whispered.

  “Watch.”

  Ty’s eyes shifted to the small shadow at the edge of the light, entire frame shaking.

  She’s going to do it, isn’t she?

  And then Selene stepped into the light.

  Eyes sparkling, bathed in the trees’ splendid glow, the small botanist turned around and smiled so wide it looked like she was going to burst into cheer. “I did it,” she said, still shaking and holding up her hands to look at its radiance before looking back up at the dark group. “I did it.”

  Not surprised in the least, Darius smiled too, holding up a beckoning hand.

  Having gotten her wish, feeling rewarded, the radiant Selene—devout believer of the Earth Mother and her Graces—trotted back to the group with the same shining eyes. “Did you see that?” she breathed, reaching up to shake Darius’s arm several times. “Did you see that, Darius? Did you see?”

  Despite the heaviness in his heart, he chuckled quietly at her childish delight. “Yes, I did.”

  “Oh, it was so warm,” she continued to gush, with eyes only for the Ancient. “Her love was so warm, I could feel it. Like a fire, burning. Oh, I could feel her.”

  Ty could only think back on what had happened since the semester started. Everything that had been said to her, everything that had been written. All her exchanges. This exchange now.

  Complete, utter dread.

  “Cyril.”

  The royal somehow looked even more nervous, his prior confidence dashed as he stared into the distance, at the light. He did not reply.

  “Cyril?”

  The healer did not move. “I…I want to go,” he mused. “But I don’t think I should. I feel kinda sick.”

  The Ancient patted Cyril on the back. “Is normal. Happen to many. Do not worry.”

  “But…but…” he whispered, “My mother’s a part of the royal line. I should be able to go.”

  Darius shook his head. “Can be royal but not allowed. Is for Earth Mother to decide.”

  “Is it because I don’t believe in her enough?” he whispered under his breath, balling his hands into fists and struggling to walk a few steps down the path before stopping entirely mid-stride.

  With a pained expression, Darius easily walked the few arduous steps that Cyril had taken a full minute to make, and then gently hoisted him above the ground and placed him back down beside Ty. “Okay, time to go,” he chided gently to the two. “Ty and I go.”

  “I guess it’s…not at all unexpected,” sighed Cyril dismally as he started making his way back to the entrance without giving the rest of his classmates another glance.

  Selene, however, did not budge. “But what about Ty?”

  Very aware of how she had just been standing there and doing nothing, Ty took it upon herself to make Darius’s day less difficult than it already had been. “I’m half-Ancient.”

  At the word ‘half,’ Sel turned her head toward Ty, eyes wide, her mouth slightly agape. “What?” she breathed, turning to Darius again and then back at Ty. “You’re a halfling?”

  “Ty and I go,” maintained Darius, walking down the path while Ty nodded in her spot.

  “You were…you were that kid,” whispered Selene, still rooted in place. “It was you.”

  “Ty.”

  Before Ty could reply, Darius rushed her off without another word, so quickly that Selene was only a shadow in the distance when she realized how close she was to the trees.

  She turned to Darius and the light and walked without fear.