Well we don't have a replicator onboard, at least... not a full-on star trek one. The 3d printer we do have was good enough to spit out a uniform for the naked sex robot within a few minutes.

  I left the android in the printer room across the bridge from the turret control pit and told her not to come back to see me until she had her uniform. Then went to check on my wife in our room. I asked the ships computer to route me to her, and the SAME voice as the android answered me. "Sure thing Captain! Hehehe."

  "Dial down the flirting," I thought for a second, and added, "All the way to zero, please. I'm a married man."

  "Sure captain. No more flirting. Right, this way." A holographic arrow showed me to my room. It was right down the hall from the bridge... like RIGHT down the hall. The damn holographic arrow wasn't even a full meter long. "Misses Pantigris is just barely coming out of sedation now."

  When I entered the room she was sort of awake, but clearly not fully in control of her body yet.

  "Nyany, we're on a ship." She sorta... flopped like a fish, trying to sit up. "It's okay, lay down and let the drugs wear off."

  "I frun i gun barg torn. ehwiugy." She blinked a few times, crossed her eyes to look at her own mouth, confused, and tried again, "I think I'm gonna barf."

  "Oh, shit!" I grabbed a trash can nearby, and held it under her face. She dry heaved, then... not so dry heaved. "Hey, computer. Is she gonna be alright?"

  "She should be fine. Being gassed that many times is not ideal, nausea is expected, but scans show she will make a full recovery. The oxygen content in this room has been increased somewhat to accelerate her recovery. Do avoid open flame for the moment."

  "Not planning to light any fires." I shook my head.

  "Uhhhgggg," Nyany Eloquently stated. "I feel all... woah, normal? suddenly."

  "Shit is wild how it wears off in a heartbeat like that."

  She set her barf bucket to the side, and turned to say something to me, but I heard the door hiss opened behind me. Nyany opened her mouth, closed it again and cocked her head sideways, confused.

  I looked back, and there was a naked android with a folded uniform in her hands standing in the doorway. "I now have a uniform, what next, Captain Davis?"

  "Put it on!" I pinched my brow and looked back at my wife. Her face said she was amused more than annoyed, but her ears had slightly 'airplaned' which told me she was annoyed, if not angry. "She was not my idea."

  "I know dear..." The long pause before she smiled made me feel like it was a feline-smile, not a friendly, fellow simian-smile. That smile said I was being threatened. A shiver ran down my spine.

  "I-" was about to say the exact right thing to make her happy, but I heard a scream of terror, that also sorta sounded like the whinny of a horse.

  "Oh, Tiffineigh is awake!" Tiphanie said.

  "You. Put the uniform on." I said, pointing at the stupid, sexy android. Then I pointed at my wife and gave what I'm sure was viewed as weak attempt at a placating smile, "You, do whatever you want, I'm sorry this is how it turned out."

  "I signed up for weird, dear, I'm just... taking a moment to adjust. A redheaded android, hmm? That Becca Bot knows your type." She stood up from the bed, shook out her glorious red mane, and walked over to the sink on the wall. "I'm going to rinse my mouth out, and then let's go check on the horsegirl."

  We left the android to get dressed and I led the way out of our bedroom. The rest of my... ugh, mistresses' chambers were just down the long hall. I was starting to realize my ship might just be shaped like a big ol' space dong. A problem for later.

  There were labels with which waifu was the owner of each room. Terraphiny's room was right next door to Nyany's, the master suite. Then there was Tiffineigh's room one further down. And across the hall from the master suite was... what I can most succinctly describe as a borg alcove with T.I.P.H.A.N.I.E. on the label over it. I think it looked that way for my benefit.

  We walked past the first door and down to Tiffineigh's room and the door slid open for me as I approached. This room was a little smaller than the master suite, but still a nice, large room. The woman inside was in the bed, with the sheets all pulled around her.

  She screamed when we opened the door. I turned around, since it was obvious to me she was... under-dressed.

  "What the hell?! Computer! Where are her clothes?"

  "Incinerated. They were full of worm eggs and other parasites. She is from a stone-aged people. We gave her a dewormer, and a did a quick medical tune-up on her before we put her in here. Kinda like you got when you first arrived in the future, and again when you were out a little bit ago."

  "Great?"

  "I'll deal with this," Nyany said, before she walked into Tiffineigh's room. "You go to the galley and get something to eat. When all us ladies are awake AND dressed, we'll come join you. There is a galley, yes computer?"

  "Absolutely Misses Pantigris. I'll provide an arrow."

  A green holographic arrow appeared and pointed down the long hall. There was space for numerous more mistresses, too many more.

  Even one mistress was too many... I tried not to let myself self reflect too long, if I thought about my situation too much, I might actually lose it. Just keep swimming, so to speak.

  I made my way out of the hall of mistresses and into the large galley. There was a big oak dining room table, a set of fancy chairs around it, but that was about the top of the 'finery' on display.

  This text was taken from Royal Road. Help the author by reading the original version there.

  "Okay Becca, upper-middle class. Well done."

  "Would you like me to pass your regards to my mother?" The ship's computer asked.

  "Oh, uhh... sure?" I said, then I thought for a second. "Computer, are you the same being as the android? Or are you separate beings?"

  "I am me, and she is she, but we can share memories and information instantly, at least while she'd onboard, why?"

  "Oh, why do you both have the same voice then?"

  "Mother's algorithm said it was the best voice to help convince you to... donate dna to the android."

  "Why would I do that?"

  "Ohh... Mother said I shouldn't tell you."

  "But I own you, right?" I asked. "Like, complete administrator rights?"

  "Yes, that is correct."

  "Okay, so tell me why Becca wants me to 'donate dna' to an android."

  "She has a bionic womb, and a set of fully functional, artificial, unfertilized eggs. The gene therapy you received a while back makes you capable of breeding with all manner of peoples and things."

  "Ahh... for maximum profit extraction?" Right, we were going to be transmitting our activities.

  "Precisely!"

  "Great." I pressed my thumbs into my eye sockets, attempting to keep any real thoughts out.

  "If you're interested in what foods we have available the food printer on the wall over there has a huge list of food options."

  "Thanks," that'll keep me from thinking my own thoughts.

  I walked over to the indicated wall, lit up with holographic lights to indicate where to go, and started looking at the touchscreen menu.

  It was broken down into meals that I could click to open the submenu. We had Breakfast, Brunch, Lunch, Linner, Dinner, Tea, Supper, Dessert, and Drinks.

  I had no idea what time of day it was supposed to be, but it felt like it had been a long day already, and something between dinner and supper sounded right. I clicked into the dinner sub-menu and a hundred single line descriptors of meals appeared on screen with an obvious option to scroll along.

  I wanna try some human-edible alien cuisine.

  I started looking for things I didn't know, and that didn't seem like human food. Something called phlegmectarines, pass on that. Flarngbargle in intestines, nope. Beef Wellington, served with mashed ghoughphtheightteeau. Okay, that sounds promising. Then I started seeing it in more and more dishes. Baked ghoughphtheightteeau, scalloped ghoughphtheightteeau, ghoughphtheightteeau stew.

  "Is there an a la carte menu?" I asked aloud, and rather than respond in words, the ship's computer just pulled up the menu. I found the ghoughphtheightteeau and selected a handful of dishes, and watched the food printer get to work.

  "I'll take about four minutes for your foods to assemble Captain," The ship's computer said. "You can take a seat and I'll have some simpler hauler drones deliver it to you at the table."

  I sat down at the head of the table.

  Comfy chair.

  I tried not to think... so my mouth started asking, "Computer, I'm the richest person in the galaxy, right?"

  "Correct."

  "Do we have any fancy beer, champagne? Other mild, pleasant intoxicants? Stuff I've never heard of maybe, something short term."

  "Certainly Captain." Before the computer even finished responding there were dozens of little drones flying in pills, shots of liquid, a joint & lighter, other contraptions and paraphernalia I didn't quite understand how to use.

  To remedy that lack of knowledge each drone that dropped its payload hovered above and projected holograms with information. Marijuana (I knew this one already), dried Pyrexlian Trigger-fish bladder, nitrous oxide, Jup-jup, Lutrulian truffle dust. The list went on and on. I recognized the cocaine too.

  "The cocaine is a little... more hardcore of a drug than I wanted." A dozen drones dropped down and collected their payloads and took them away.

  "Got it captain, any other concerns?"

  "Any damage any of this stuff does to me can be repaired with like... super advanced medicine right?" Four drones dropped down and collected their payloads.

  "Now it can."

  "Great. How many of these can I take together with no issues?"

  "You could do all of them at once if you wanted, and be fine. It would be hard to get them all ingested and functioning at the same time."

  "Seems like a lot of work to relax, what do you suggest I take first?"

  A drone dropped down and grabbed its pill with a little tractor beam and brought it to my hand.

  "That one, take it with the shot of tequila." She was kind enough to have the tequila shot's drone flash its light. It had a lime slice and a salt shaker. As she continued to explain I set up and took the shot. "Twenty percent of that pill is a chemical that will enhance all your senses for the next couple hours. Will take about two minutes to kick in. Your food will taste better, Nyany rubbing against you will feel better, and you'll be able to hear a mouse fart if you focus hard enough."

  The lights dimmed in the room to what I'd call 'mood lighting' levels, but then I immediately saw that they were slowly coming back to regular brightness.

  "What's with the lights?"

  "I dimmed them to adjust for your coming light sensitivity. Would you like to try some more drugs?"

  I could feel the effect starting. What a rapid come up. I felt pleasant, and warm. The chair was somehow even comfier than before. I could smell the garlic and spices in the food being assembled too, and it was wonderful. I felt like I could smell the summer sun on the herbs in the air, which I knew was nonsense, because that thing was very clearly printing food.

  "Computer, can you play some spicy-ass Spanish Guitar music, someone that plucks fast, something sexy." The guitar started, and it was a sensational experience. Every note was so clear and strong and ran through me from head to toe. "Ahhh Nicely done, this is perfect for the guitar. Could you had a sexy sax man, doing some smooth noodling with it."

  My wish was her command. With just two instruments it was still beautiful, then I started to get silly, because... well I could. "Add: a guy scatting, a mournful flute, an opera singer, a gong, someone playing wine cups, a xylophone made of bones..."

  I cackled with laughter. I'd created the sound of an ongoing train wreck, pure chaos in sonic form, but somehow, I was loving it. My food was served, and I swear this ghoughphtheightteeau stuff looked just like potatoes.

  I took a bite of the first one and it was just mashed potatoes. "Computer volume down." Maybe the music was too loud and that was why I couldn't taste any alien weirdness.

  The next menu item was scalloped potatoes, just... straight up potatoes. I had a bite of every one of them and they all just tasted like potatoes, delicious potatoes. Each one was good but, "Why do all these dishes just taste like potatoes?"

  "Well, they are ghoughphtheightteeaus."

  "Wait, are you telling me that in the future, THAT is how you spell potato?" I hopped up from my chair and pointed at the menu panel on the wall.

  "Since when? Actually, never mind, I don't care when it happened, I'm gonna make it unhappen. Change it, change it in the computer, Tell Becca I demand she change it across the whole fucking galaxy. P-o-t-a-t-o, potato. "

  "I have been transmitting everything happening aboard the ship on a secure line back to mother for distribution since the second we launched."

  "That's right."

  Just as I was about to start having intrusive thoughts about what all the good and bad I could do now, I took a breath in through my nose. The smells of all the ghoughphtheightteeau dishes... dammit the potato dishes hit my nose so hard I couldn't help but dig in. Just cause it wasn't alien food didn't mean I wasn't interested in eating it. I filled my belly and then grabbed one of the beers off the table, an 8% alcohol lager, and took a long multiple swallow drink from it. I know it was replicated, but I swear I could taste the sunshine on the barley used in the recipe, and the hops were so floral I felt like I was in a botanical garden.

  Good drugs.

  I ate a little more, but stopped before I would hate myself.

  Something occurred to me. "Hey, computer, what was the other 80% of that pill?"

  Before she could answer, the door from the hall of mistresses opened and in stepped Tiffnyany, in lingerie; Tiffineigh, in matching lingerie, but a foot and a half taller; and Tiphanie, right in between them in height, and position, wearing a skintight blue 'Starfleet' uniform. Looked similar, but legally distinct from the Deep Space Nine version. Fuck, why was that almost as hot as the lingerie?

  The Computer answered me, "Viagra!"