Arun

  Roughly three weeks have passed since I witnessed Alexios’s wrath. The sharpest edges have dulled, but the air between Alexios and me is still very fragile. It’s thin enough that one wrong word from either of us might make it worse.

  We speak to each other when we need to, but it’s not like before.

  I do see the change though. I do see him trying his best with the servants. His voice is softer and his commands don’t bite as much. It’s small, but it’s there, I suppose.

  I wake up to the quiet shuffle of the servants’ feet. They are here as usual and always ready to help me get dressed. I sit up and offer them a polite smile.

  “It’s alright,” I tell them softly. “I can dress myself. You’re not needed this morning.”

  I see one of them hesitate and they glance at each other.

  “We’re happy to help, sir.”

  “I appreciate it,” I reply, attempting to keep my voice light. “It’s fine though. Really. I don’t want to intrude on your time.”

  They politely insist again, but I try to hold my ground without any sharpness. That’s not needed here. Eventually, they step back and exchange looks with one another again before bowing and slipping out of the room. I don’t really want to push them away entirely, but I just need my own space this morning.

  I wash and dress myself before making my way downstairs.

  Je Suis is there sitting in the dining hall with a cup of tea, her posture as graceful as always. The moment she sees me, her face lights with that warm smile that always makes me feel so welcome.

  “Arun,” she says, rising to greet me.

  I can’t help the smile that pulls at my lips. It’s so good to see her, especially right now.

  “You look well,” she says, but her eyes search mine and I know she can see more than I want her to. “Though… something tells me you’re not quite yourself.”

  I shake my head lightly and brush the comment aside for now.

  “It’s nothing.”

  She doesn’t mention it again, thank the gods, but I can tell that she doesn’t quite believe me.

  “I’m taking you away,” she announces. “We’re going to spend a night or two in town. I want you to see every museum worth seeing and every bookstore worth getting lost in. Anything else your heart desires too, of course.”

  A flutter of excitement breaks through the lingering heaviness in my chest and her smile widens.

  “That… actually sounds wonderful,” I admit to her.

  “Good. Glad that’s settled.”

  I tilt my head slightly.

  “Why are you taking me though?”

  “Because Alexios asked me to,” she says matter of fact. “He said you should be treated to something nice.”

  My smile fades a touch, but I can’t really get a clear reading on the mixture of feelings that stirs inside of me. It’s gratitude, yes. But it’s also tangled with the unease that’s been there the past few weeks. I nod anyway.

  I spend the next few hours preparing for the trip, folding a few changes of clothes into a small case. I’m halfway down the stairs when I spot Alexios speaking quietly with one of the servants in the main hall.

  He sees me immediately and for a long heartbeat, neither of us says anything to one another. I could let the moment pass and just keep walking, but I don’t. I step closer and my fingers brush against his hand in a touch that’s almost… uncertain.

  “I’ll miss you,” he says quietly. “Stay safe… please.”

  I look up at him to answer, but whatever I actually wanted to say gets lost somewhere in my mind.

  “I will. Thank you.”

  His eyes move down to where our hands meet, but I’m already pulling mine away. I head to the front door where Je Suis waits with her deep green cloak draped over her arm.

  “Don’t forget your sketchbook,” she reminds me.

  “Oh, right. One second.”

  I run back into the dining hall to grab one of my old sketchbooks before making my way back to Je Suis.

  --

  The wheels of our carriage sways against the road and we sit in comfortable silence… until Je Suis leans forward in her seat and narrows her eyes at me.

  “Tell me what’s really going on,” she says. She’s careful to keep her tone calm, but it’s far from casual.

  I glance out the window and watch the countryside roll past.

  “What do you mean?”

  “You’re a bit… dimmed,” she mentions. “I know you well enough to tell if it’s because you’re tired or because something has hurt you.”

  I trace a fingertip along the edge of the seat cushion in an attempt to buy myself time.

  “I… don’t want to cause trouble.”

  Je Suis leans back and folds her hands in her lap.

  “Arun, you are not causing any trouble. I want to make sure you’re okay.”

  I hesitate again and I feel like if I start talking, I won’t be able to stop.

  “Things haven’t been the same with Alexios,” I answer finally. I keep my voice quiet and it’s almost swallowed up by the creak of our carriage.

  The look on her face softens, but she doesn’t interrupt.

  “I saw a side of him that I… didn’t think existed. I don’t know it it’s something he’s trying to change or just something he hides until he doesn’t.”

  Je Suis’s eyes narrow even more, but she keeps her voice gentle.

  “Did he hurt you?”

  I shake my head quickly.

  “No, not me. But I don’t know how I feel around him now.”

  For a while, the only sound is the clomp of hooves on the road. Je Suis reaches across and takes my hand.

  “Then we’ll take our time with that, okay? You don’t have to decide how to feel about him today.”

  I nod and stare down at our joined hands. Her grip is warm and I realize how glad I am that I opened up to her.

  “I just… I want to believe that he’s better than that.”

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  Her thumb moves in slow strokes across my knuckles, but her eyes never leave my face.

  “Arun, I have known Alexios for a while now. He is capable of beauty, but also of cruelty. Both live inside of him and I think they fight for control sometimes. I imagine you’ve seen that now.”

  “Yes… but I don’t know which side will win.”

  She tilts her head slightly and I think she might be trying to measure my words against what she already knows.

  “Do you want to know my opinion, Arun?”

  I nod.

  “The only person who decides which side wins is Alexios himself, but the closer someone is to him, the more sway they have. That’s why you matter more than you think you do. You may not realize it, but you’ve already shifted him.”

  I look away, trying to focus on whatever I can see outside the window.

  “That doesn’t mean he’ll keep trying though.”

  “No,” she admits. “But it means he can and wants to keep trying.”

  Je Suis’s grip on my hand tightens a bit.

  “What actually happened, Arun?” she asks. I can already tell by her tone that she is not going to accept a half-answer.

  My chest feels heavy again, but I push myself to breathe.

  “Some of the servants said some… things… about me. Cruel and filthy things. I told Alexios and instead of just… talking to them or telling them to stop, he…”

  The words stick in my throat, but Je Suis’s eyes are urging me to continue.

  “He hurt them, Je Suis. I couldn’t see everything, but I could hear it. I know it was bad. He locked me in my room so I couldn’t stop him.”

  The look on her face doesn’t show shock. It looks more like she’s fitting the final piece into a puzzle that she already suspected in the first place.

  “He was in the wrong to do that,” she says firmly. “No matter what was said about you, it does not excuse cruelty like that.”

  Hearing her say it aloud makes the situation hit deeper than expected.

  “You believe me?”

  She almost seems offended by the question.

  “Of course, I do. I’ll tell you something else too. Alexios knows he was wrong to do that. That may not make it hurt less, but it does mean there’s a chance for him to change.”

  Je Suis must sense how heavy everything feels to me right now because she squeezes my hand once more before leaning back and letting the conversation drift away like small flecks of dust in sunlight.

  “Well,” she says. “I think we’ll start with the museum on Main Street. They have an entire section dedicated to elven glasswork and I think you’ll adore it.”

  I give her a gentle smile, but my thoughts are still tangled up.

  “I’ll take you to this café that has the best apricot tarts afterward,” she continues. “Then there’s this bookshop where the owner pretends he hates people but secretly adores matching books to them. It’s very sweet.”

  Her tone is rather warm and playful and I do smile at the image she paints, but I’m still thinking a bit about Alexios and the sounds I can’t unhear.

  I’m sure she notices, but she’s careful not to dig further at that wound. Instead, she keeps talking about the town streets lined with flowers and the ridiculousness of haggling for possibly haunted antiques. It’s giving me something else to hold onto besides all this heaviness.

  --

  By the time we make it into town, the sun is already bright and drenching the streets with warm light. I can smell the delicious scent of baked bread and sweet roasted nuts drifting from somewhere unseen.

  Je Suis steps down first and she offers me her hand as if I’m stepping into some completely new world. I take it and she smiles brightly at me before tucking my arm through hers.

  “Come,” she says, steering me to our first stop with a gentle hand. It feels comfortable, like she’s been walking me through towns since I was small. “We have a lot to see and only so many hours before they start looking their doors.”

  The museum is our first destination. The windows of the museum glimmer like crystal in the sunlight and perfectly complement the pale stone of the building itself. The air is cool inside and the smell of old paper drifts through. Je Suis moves through the exhibits at my pace, making sure to pause when I linger. She even takes time to draw my attention to details I might have missed.

  The shapes of the delicate elven glassware look so fine that I think they might shatter at the sound of just a whisper.

  “See how the colors shift?” she asks. “It’s not just for beauty. It’s like… a lifetime trapped in glass.”

  I admire them longer than I mean to, but I want to feel the weight of her words and she doesn’t rush me.

  After hours of browsing the museum, she leads me to a small café tucked between two bookshops. The inside glows golden with candlelight and the scent of candied apricots and cinnamon makes my mouth water instantly.

  Je Suis orders for both of us and when the tarts arrive, she pushes mine towards me and waits until I’ve taken a bite.

  “You’ll need your strength for the rest of the evening,” she says. I see the corner of her mouth lift like she’s almost trying to hide a smirk.

  We wander through the cobblestone streets after our treats and Je Suis stops often, not because she needs to but because she knows I might want to look. We stop at a little cart selling carved wooden animals and I watch as she picks up a small fox, turns it over in her hands and then presses it into mine.

  “Every home needs a guardian,” she says simply before passing a few coins over to the vendor before I can even protest.

  To my surprise, she gives me free rein at the bookshop and I completely lose track of time browsing the high shelves and winding aisles. I run my fingertips along the spines of various books until one catches my eye. When I bring it to the counter, she insists on paying.

  “Consider it… an advance on our next trip,” she says laughing.

  By the time we’re done for the day, my arms are completely full. Books, the carved fox, a small box from a café she swears makes the best cakes in the region. I try to protest weakly at the excess, but she only hushes me with a look that feels a bit… maternal.

  As night comes, we finally make our way to the inn she’s picked out for the night. It’s an older building, but the room she’s picked out for me is quite comfortable and smells a little like lavender. Before she leaves to go to her own room, she adjusts the blankets on my bed and places the fox on the nightstand. It feels like she’s tucking in a child.

  I feel so warm now… and loved?

  “Get some rest,” she says softly. “We’ll see the rest of the town tomorrow.”

  When she closes the door, I sit on the edge of the bed for a long time and look at all the gifts that I’ve been given today. My mind feels both lighter and heavier at the same time. It’s lighter because of her care, but heavier because a part of me wishes it was Alexios here doing this for me.

  I place the fox down gently on the nightside, but my fingers linger a bit longer on the smooth, carved surface. It doesn’t help in the way I hoped it would.

  The more I think of Alexios, the more tangled my thoughts become. I can still feel the pull in my chest when I think of his voice and his touch. I realize… that I still want him near me.

  But eventually that pull knots itself into fear when I remember that other side of him.

  The tears are streaking heavy down my cheeks by the time I realize I’m even crying. I try to push them away by pressing the heels of my hands against my eyes, but it doesn’t stop. The weight is too much to carry alone right now.

  I stand before I can talk myself out of it and cross the hallway to Je Suis’s room, knocking hesitantly on her door.

  She answers quickly and her long red hair is loose now. The candlelight makes her look even warmer somehow.

  “Arun? Are you okay?”

  I step inside when she gestures and keep my voice small.

  “I… I didn’t want to be alone right now.”

  She doesn’t ask questions at first. She only sits me down on the edge of her bed and waits until I find the words. My hands twist together in my lap before I speak.

  “I want to be with him,” I finally say. The confession cracks in my throat. “But I’m still scared. I don’t know if that’s something I can… I don’t know if it’s something I should ignore.”

  Her warm hand comes to rest gently over my own.

  “You don’t have to ignore it,” she answers softly. “Fear is not a weakness, my sweetheart. It’s a warning. But so is longing, I suppose. You can hold both at once until you know which one to listen to.”

  I lean into her without thinking and she holds me. She doesn’t rush me. She doesn’t tell me to stop.

  She lets me sit there in the quiet with only the soft sounds of the inn around us filling the silence.

  Even when my breathing stutters and I try to pull back to hide it, she doesn’t let go. Je Suis simply smooths a hand down my back.

  “You know… you’re not the first person to feel both drawn to and afraid of him.”

  I lift my head enough to look at her.

  “You too?”

  Her smile is still gentle, but I think I see a hint of sadness in it.

  “The details aren’t the same, but… I’ve seen both the version of Alexios who can make you feel like the most cherished person in the room and the version who can turn cold enough to cut through the thickest armor possible. They’re both him. Every day, he has to choose which one he wants to be.”

  “And you weren’t scared?” I ask as I wipe my tears.

  “Oh, I was,” she says without hesitation. “But I also saw what he could be when he cared for someone. The issue is that… Alexios doesn’t always really know how to care without controlling. It’s a big flaw of his and it’s dangerous. But people can change when they have reason to.”

  I let out a shaky breath and Je Suis brushes a tear from my cheek with the back of her fingers.

  “I want to keep you here in the present tonight, okay? You’re safe and you’re here with me. Tomorrow, we’ll fill that big brain of yours with paintings, sculptures and stories so beautiful, they leave no room for these shadows you have in your mind.”

  I nod slowly and lean into her again. She doesn’t push for promises or even a decision. She holds me like she’s strong enough to keep every ridiculously jagged thought at bay for a while.

  When I finally leave Je Suis’s room, the hallway is hushed and my room is just as a left it, with the little fox on the nightstand, the books resting on the table and the box of treats I haven’t touched yet.

  I curl up into myself in bed, the blankets warm over my body. I mean to settle in and rest or maybe even read until I’m too tired to think, but my thoughts drift back without my permission.

  It’s the way he leans in when he kisses me that comes to mind first. There’s almost always this split second of hesitation like he’s asking for my consent without words. His lips are so warm and sure and I can’t help but think about how his hand sometimes cups the side of my face so his thumb can brush just beneath my eye.

  I can almost hear the low moan he makes when he’s pleased and the way my body fits so close to his that the rest of the world almost… vanishes.

  I ache for that closeness right now, even knowing what he’s capable of.

  Although the lavender scent of the linens is calming, it’s his scent I’m imagining. That smoky and spicy scent that I can’t get enough of.

  I close my eyes and let the memories play again until I finally fall asleep, but even as I rest, the same tangle in my mind remains.

  I want him.

  I fear him.

  But I don’t know which side will win.