Arun

  As soon as the season begins to change and the flower bloom in the gardens outside, I know exactly what I’ll be doing after breakfast. Alexios sits beside me in the dining hall and if I didn’t know it better, I’d say he’s starting to look much more exhausted than he usually does. I brush my fingers softly over his to get his attention.

  “I was thinking I might go pick some flowers for you if you’re okay with that.”

  He smiles, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes.

  “Flowers, hmm?”

  I nod and glance out the window.

  “The weather’s perfect,” I tell him. “Besides, it’s been too long since I’ve picked flowers for the vase in your study.”

  Eoin presented the glass vase himself just after my art class two weeks ago, stating that he made it specifically for Alexios as made clear by the ribbons of black and purple marbled throughout the clear glass.

  As I watch him patiently, I realize his movements are just a bit too slow now. Almost like his body can’t catch up with his mind. Eventually, he gives a slow nod. I stand and kiss his cheek before slipping out of the dining hall, already thinking about which flowers will look best on the shelf.

  The grass is still a little damp with morning dew when I step outside, eyes falling immediately to a few butterflies drifting ahead of me. I keep my footsteps gentle as they guide me past the gardens and into the patches of wildflowers near the plantation’s fields. I gather a few of them, one by one. In the bouquet are a few bursts of yellows and violets, as well as some deep reds to complement them.

  I can hear the soft hum of some bees nearby. They seem completely unbothered by my presence so I let myself drift, almost forgetting about the heaviness in Alexios’s eyes and the slump of his shoulders.

  As I delve even deeper, I spot a single blue flower with petals almost matching the beauty of the clear sky itself. I crouch and twirl it around in my fingers while I admire the silky petals, but when I look back up…

  The meadow is gone, replaced by almost a complete haze. What was once a field of wildflowers just seconds ago almost appears to be stone walls now and… columns? I can’t… I really can’t tell, even as I narrow my eyes at whatever is in front of me now. When I step closer, I realize there’s two shadows pulsing just ahead, but it’s nearly impossible to make out any details in the dusty haze. The longer I stare, the more I begin to think there’s almost something… statue-like about the shadows.

  My pulse spikes instantly. I try to speak, to say anything at all, but I can’t seem to make a sound. Everything around the figures is too dark as if I’m not actually supposed to be seeing this.

  When I rub my eyes and open, the haze ripples away and I’m back kneeling in the meadow again with the blue flower still in my hand. Even though the sun is hanging over me again and the bees are still buzzing through the flowers, my hands won’t stop trembling.

  I shut my eyes again and tell myself it was nothing. A daydream, but that doesn’t sit right in my mind either because it didn’t feel like one. I take a deep breath, then another as I desperately try to ground myself in reality.

  Or was that also reality?

  As I stand to make my way back to the manor, I find a fox staring right at me, exactly where the two shadows sat. Small bits of gold are highlighted in its red coat as the sun beams down on it. Even when I step closer to it, expecting it to run away, it keeps watching me with its eyes bright and full of patience.

  “You… you saw them too, did you?”

  The fox simply tilts its head at me, tail swaying quickly, before lightly scampering off into the woods.

  “Hey!” I yell. “Wait! Don’t go!”

  I take a step forward like I mean to chase after the small creature, but I know it’s no use. The little thing is much too quick for me. Every snap of a twig and flutter of wings makes my head turn. I can’t shake the feeling of something watching from the edge of the trees, but when I turn to look, there’s nothing there.

  Finally, I step through the gardens and spot Alexios leaning against the doorway into the house with his arms folded loosely. The softness in his eyes brings me breath of relief. I approach slowly and raise the bouquet of flowers up to him.

  “These… these are for you,” I say, voice surprisingly gentler than I expect.

  I debate whether I should tell him about what I saw. Hells, I don’t even know what I saw. I can’t tell him yet, I decide. Not when I’m still trying to understand myself. He takes them, holding them up to his nose to breathe in the scent of the flowers.

  “This blue one is gorgeous,” he says, fingers brushing over the petals softly. “Was everything alright out there?”

  Gods, I want to tell him no. But instead, I nod because it doesn’t seem as much of a lie as if I actually said something. What is the truth anyway?

  Alexios steps closer and slide one strong arm around my waist to pull me close.

  “You always pick out the prettiest ones for me,” he whispers before leaning down to kiss the tip of my ear. “I’m glad being out here makes you happy, but you seem… distracted. Is everything alright, my love?”

  “I’m fine,” I tell him, much too quickly though.

  His eyes narrow in my direction, as though he’s trying to see through me. He sighs softly and kisses my lips this time.

  “If you want to talk about it, you’ll tell me?”

  I nod again and he guides me back into the house. My feet try to keep pace with him as my fingers hold onto the fabric of his sleeve.

  Later in the evening, I find Alexios sitting outside on the veranda with papers spread out in front of him. The sun is hitting him just right, making the white strands of his hair shine like pearls against the black streaks. Even as I step closer, he hasn’t noticed me yet. Alexios keeps his attention on one of the contracts in front of him.

  “Alexios?” I say quietly.

  As soon as he hears my voice, he glances up and the tight tension in his eyebrows loosens.

  “Yes, beautiful?”

  My heart beats faster the long I wait to say something, but… I know if I don’t say anything now, I probably never will.

  “I… I think I saw something earlier when I was out in the fields.”

  His quill stops moving instantly.

  “What did you see?” Alexios asks, almost frowning.

  I try to search for the right words. I’m not even sure there are any.

  “It felt as if it wasn’t really there, but also there. A vision, I guess.”

  Before I realize it, I’m walking closer to Alexios.

  “It was hazy as all hells,” I continue. “I couldn’t even really see much, but… I could have sworn it looked like two figures sitting almost… statue-like.”

  His shoulders tense up ever so slightly. I see it, I know I do.

  “Sounds like you have an active imagination,” he responds carefully.

  “I don’t think I imagined it,” I say firmly. “It almost felt real, Alexios, and then it was gone. Does this mean anything to you?”

  His quill taps the table a few times before he sets it down.

  “You’re likely just exhausted,” he finally answers. “Or maybe just something from Ilmater.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  He sighs slowly and leans back in his chair.

  “It was just a suggestion, that’s all.”

  His dismissive attitude almost makes me want to stop talking, but the way he’s avoiding my gaze now tells me more than he thinks it does.

  “Alexios… if you know what this is, please tell me.”

  He shakes his head and looks out into the gardens.

  “I don’t. I’m sorry, my love. I really don’t know what you saw or why.”

  I sit across from him and fold my arms on the table. He finally looks at me, but only for a few moments before picking the quill back up and staring at the page without writing a single word.

  “I saw Nykky in a dream once,” I whisper. “Do you remember when I admitted that I went out to his grave and talked to him about you?”

  Alexios swallows harshly, eyes dropping to the ground.

  “It was just a dream,” he responds drearily. “You don’t even know what he…”

  “We look alike,” I cut in. “Don’t we? I mean… I’m just the tiefling version.”

  He shuts his mouth after that.

  “We talked about you,” I continue as Alexios begins nervously tapping a finger on the table. “He told me it was okay that I loved you and that there’s something different about the way you are with me. But he also warned me that you’re hurting inside and you need help, Alexios.”

  One of his hands tightens into a fist and I see his jaw clench. I think I’ve gone too far.

  “Arun…” he murmurs. I think he’ll say more, but he just shakes his head and shut himself off from me.

  I don’t push any further for now. He hardly speaks the rest of the evening. When I do work up the courage to ask him something, he does answer but the responses are clipped.

  At night, I catch him in his study staring at paperwork without even really reading them, eyes focusing on something in the distance. He doesn’t seem… angry. Not at me, at least. It feels more like a shadow has been draped over him. I walk in, stepping just in front of his desk to place a tray of fruit in front of him.

  “These are for you,” I tell him sweetly. “Figured you’d like something refreshing to snack on while you work.”

  He looks at the bowl of mixed berries, then at me. There’s almost a smile… but then it fades.

  “Thank you,” he mouths as I step behind his chair.

  Right when I rest my hands on his shoulders, I realize his muscles are so tense that it feels like they’ve turned to stone. As I knead, I feel the knots just under my fingertips.

  “Alexios, you don’t have to tell me everything right now, but I want to help.”

  He doesn’t exactly pull away… but he certainly isn’t leaning into my touch like he usually does. I kiss his temple anyway.

  “You are everything to me,” I remind him gently. “I’m not going anywhere.”

  There’s still no real answer from him, but when I go to pull away, his hand comes to rest lightly on my wrist to hold me there for a moment before finally letting go.

  Later in the night, I make my way towards the bath after the servants turn in for the night. The thought of unwinding in a hot bath and soaking myself in a bubble bath feels perfect after a day like this. When I push open the door, I find that Alexios is already there, head tipped back against the edge while his arms fall over the side and eyes stay distant.

  “Would you like me to join you?” I ask quietly as I step inside.

  To my surprise, he shakes his head.

  “No… I’m sorry.”

  I’d be lying if I said his refusal didn’t sting a bit, but I nod anyway.

  “Alright, I understand.”

  Truthfully, I don’t. I wish more than anything he’d let me in to help pull him from whatever darkness has flooded his mind. I retreat to the bed, sitting on the edge of it as my fingers pull at the blanket. I know this isn’t the first time Alexios has kept something from me, but tonight, it feels different. He seems just… empty now.

  Maybe it’s nothing. He just needs time alone, right?

  Eventually, I turn onto my side and pull the blankets up around me as I drift asleep, sheets still cool on Alexios’s side even hours later.

  …

  Crash!

  I sit up with a sharp gasp just as a guttural scream rings through the house. I’m out of bed before I can even think. The closer I get to the source of the screaming, the more chaotic it gets. Glass shatters and a heavy thud shakes the floor.

  The narrative has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.

  When I make it down the stairs and run into Alexios’s study, his desk is nearly overturned and the papers that were stacked neatly earlier have either been torn or crumpled. His hands are shaking so badly that he can’t seem to fully grasp anything. When he does, it’s only to throw it at the wall.

  Alexios keeps screaming at nothing in particular, voice hoarse from yelling in both Common and Elvish. The look in his eyes is the look of a man in pure, unfiltered pain. Another glass smashes against the wall and I can’t help but flinch.

  “Alexios! What are you doing?!”

  He freezes, breath ragged as his chest violently rises and falls. I take a measured step into the study… then another. I need to be careful right now, almost as if I’m approaching a stray animal that might run…

  Or bite.

  “Alexios,” I repeat softly. “It’s okay now…”

  Alexios keeps his shoulders rigid as I skirt around the worst of the broken glass between us. Shockingly, Eoin’s vase remains untouched on the table and is apparently one of the few things in the room that’s been spared of Alexios’s wrath. When I’m finally close enough, I reach for his arm. His skin feels like fire under my hand. He turns to me just as the fire in his eyes gets swallowed up by exhaustion.

  “You’re shaking,” I mutter. “Please… talk to me, okay?”

  A choked cry catches in his throat and it almost moves me to tears. My arms slip around his waist as I close the distance between us. It almost feels like he might resist, but the exhaustion seems too heavy to push any further now. Alexios’s arms wrap around me in rest, head coming to rest gently against my horns.

  --

  The rest of the week feels like sailing through a sea storm. Alexios’s frustration comes through every now and then when he can no longer hold it, whether it’s in the form of a glass being placed roughly on the table or a drawer being slammed shut. He raises his voice at the servants, only to retreat into himself after.

  It’s early in the afternoon when I finally find Alexios in his study. He’s slouched lazily in his chair staring at the cold cup of tea he hasn’t bothered to take a sip of. I lean against the doorframe.

  “Preparing for the meeting tomorrow evening?” I ask him. “I guess we’ll need to leave before midday if we want to make it on time.”

  “I’m not going,” he answers bitterly, not even looking at me.

  I laugh a bit, thinking he’s just joking.

  He isn’t.

  “Wait, what do you mean you’re not going? Alexios, it’s important. They’re expecting you to…”

  “I don’t give a damn,” he interrupts. “I don’t care what they want. They can talk to themselves for all I care.”

  Each step of mine is slow as I move closer to his desk.

  “Do you want to talk about it…?” I ask hesitantly.

  Alexios sighs sharply, almost sounding a bit like a soft growl.

  “I don’t have the fucking patience for them right now, Arun. I don’t… I don’t have it in me, alright?”

  His fingers come up to rub his temples as I rest my hand lightly on the back of his chair.

  “Tell me how to help you,” I say. “I can’t keep watching you do this to yourself. What if we make it about something else?”

  “Like what?”

  Gods, he is so frustrating these days.

  “We go to the meeting, keep it short and sweet, then we go to dinner after. Just the two of us.”

  Alexios’s shoulders roll back so I lean closer, nipping softly at the end of his ear before dropping down to neck.

  “When we get home… you can make love to me out on the balcony. Or in the gardens, like we used to.”

  His eyes finally move to me and it almost seems like the warmth I know and love is trying to push through the heavy wall he’s built around himself lately.

  “You’re bribing me with good food and sex,” he says dryly, but I can still feel an almost smile.

  It’s enough to make us both laugh quietly.

  “Fine,” he says after a long exhale. “But only because I can’t get enough of you. Damn the gods for making you so irresistible.”

  I lean down, grinning wide before leaving a kiss on his cheek and squeezing the back of his chair once.

  --

  By the time we’re standing outside of the council room, Alexios has locked himself into somewhat of a rigid posture that feels like a warning for others not to come too close. His hair is pulled back in a braid much tighter than usual. Eventually, we take our seats and the long table, with him seated at the head and me just to the right. The meeting opens with reports on new crops, shipments to Restina in the southwest and the new irrigation plan.

  “Alexios, there are concerns about the inconsistencies in last month’s expenses,” an older councilman brings up.

  I hear Alexios scoff. My gaze moves awkwardly to the wooden floor below me.

  “Are you implying that I’m mishandling funds?”

  “No sir,” another interrupts gently. “We are not implying anything. We are just looking for more transparency.”

  Oh gods, I say to myself.

  “I will not explain myself to people who’ve never stepped foot in the fields they like to make money from,” he says in a clipped tone.

  There’s an awkward silence before discontent moves through the council room.

  “We have been elected to represent the people, Alexios. You know this. If we can’t confirm and account for where the revenue is going…”

  He pushes the ledger in front of him away.

  “You’ll have your answers when I decide to provide them to you.”

  It feels like an absolute verbal slap. I shift in my seat uncomfortably, desperate to not make direct eye contact with anyone except Alexios. Even as I try to will him into letting this go before he burns every bridge he’s worked decades on building, he locks in even further.

  Somehow, the rest of the meeting is even worse. Alexios keeps throwing out clipped exchanges followed by long silences. No one is brave enough to keep asking questions, but the damage has already been done regardless.

  Alexios stands without a final word and leaves the room just before the meeting can be adjourned. I have to hurry to keep up with his long strides. Even when we make it outside and the evening sunlight falls over us, I can still see a storm brewing in his eyes.

  “Well,” I start, rather carefully. “That probably could have gone better, Alexios.”

  “Fuck them,” he growls. “They’ll tear Blackwood apart just to make their pockets a little fatter. Gods damned vultures.”

  Alexios stomps down the street as I struggle to keep pace with him.

  “You didn’t have to bite their heads off.”

  That stops him immediately and finally, he turns to face me.

  “I don’t like being questioned, Arun. Especially by them.”

  Our eyes lock and I realize I’m finding it a bit difficult not to say something pointed.

  “I know,” I say instead. “Do you still want to get dinner together?”

  He sighs and keeps walking. To my genuine surprise, we do end up at the tavern anyway. For dessert, I order something overly sweet for both of us, but he barely glances at the plate of pastries when it arrives, still sitting back in his chair like a coiled serpent with one hand clenching the stem of his wine glass.

  “Do you want to try this one?” I ask him, holding out a pastry filled with strawberry jam.

  He takes it without even looking, chewing on it mechanically like it hurts too badly to eat. I place my pastry back on the plate.

  “Are you still thinking about the meeting?”

  “Did you see how quickly they turned on me?”

  I frown.

  “Alexios, they didn’t…”

  “Yes, they fucking did!” he whispers furiously as he slams a fist down, table vibrating violently beneath it. “You saw it. They’ve been wanting to find leverage against me for years and that’s how things fall apart, Arun.”

  Stupidly, I reach for his hand, his fingers still stiff before they finally wrap around mine.

  “Let’s just let today be over, yeah?” I tell him, trying my best to walk on the eggshells around him. “We can go home soon and you can breathe again.”

  We finish the pastries, but I can tell from where I’m sitting that he’s barely keeping them down. The walk back to the carriage is… uncomfortable, to say the least. His hand stays wrapped around mine, but it’s clearly not enough to ease the tension in him.

  Back at Blackwood Manor, I follow Alexios back into our bedroom, locking the door behind us. He pulls off his cloak and throws it haphazardly on the couch in front of the hearth. I step closer and run my hands down his chest.

  “Let’s make the night better,” I tempt as my hands wander even lower, desperate to feel that familiar arousal of his that I’m so used to at this time of night, while my lips find his collarbone. But…

  He just stands there.

  “Alexios…” I whisper, letting my hands drop. “Please talk to me. This isn’t just about the meeting, is it?”

  “There’s nothing to talk about,” he answers far too quickly. It’s a lie. A bad one, at that.

  I step back to get a better look at him.

  “You and I both know that isn’t true. I’m not looking to argue. I’m just asking because I truly don’t understand you right now.”

  “You don’t need to understand,” he replies and turns away to unbutton his shirt.

  “Excuse me?”

  He tries to step away, moving closer to the couch, but I follow him even as my hands shake in frustration.

  “I can’t help you if you won’t let me in,” I tell him, far past the point of defeat. “You’re starting to remind me of my old master. Do you realize that?”

  He stays silent and turns away to look out the balcony windows.

  “That’s not true, Arun.”

  “Whenever I wanted something, he would shut me out. He’d act like my needs didn’t matter and you’re doing the exact same thing to me right now.”

  “You really think I’m him?” he says defensively, voice rising enough for it to bounce off the walls.

  “You’ve built a wall I can’t get through,” I take step closer, shaking my head in disappointment. “You stand on the other side of that damn wall deciding how much of yourself I’m allowed to have in moments like this. You shut me out and it hurts in ways I don’t think I can even explain. I don’t even know why.”

  His head snaps violently towards me, red eyes filled with poison.

  “How dare you say that,” he snarls. “If you only knew what I’ve done to…”

  “If I only knew what, Alexios?” I interrupt quickly. “I didn’t ask for any of this!”

  “You didn’t have to fucking ask!” he roars out, sweeping his arms across the table by the balcony doors, sending books and papers flying onto the floor.

  “Then tell me what’s wrong instead of taking it out on me!” I yell back, standing my ground against him even as my instincts tell me to back away. “I can’t marry you if you can’t bother to open up to me when you are hurting, do you understand that?”

  Alexios’s breathing turns ragged, his eyes fueled with fire as he looks around the room wildly.

  “I had to tempt you to dinner by promising sex,” I continue. “Sex, sex, sex. It’s always… always about fucking when it comes to you.”

  Gods, the word sounds absolutely vulgar coming out of my mouth.

  “Arun…” he starts, red eyes filling with tears as he reaches out to me.

  “No,” I interrupt, fed up with walking on eggshells for the past few weeks. “Do you even want to be with me or did you just settle because I look enough like Nykky that you can fool yourself when you’re inside me?!”

  No, no, no, no, no.

  As soon as the words leave my mouth, I know I’ve gone too far. Gods, why did I say that?!

  His eyes widen, fists clenching tightly as he steps towards me.

  “After everything I’ve done for you and you reduce me to that?” he spits out bitterly. “How dare you talk to me like that, you… you fucking ungrateful brat!”

  Oh.

  The words tear free from him, cruel and cold. My chest aches as if my heart has just been cracked open. He’s still breathing hard with fists clenched at his sides, but even he knows what he said was too far. I just stand there, too stunned to say anything.

  “Arun…” he tries to say, words strained. “I didn’t… I didn’t mean… oh gods.”

  He slides down the wall, covering his face as he sobs violently into his palms. I take a step back as his cries get louder, body rocking back and forth.

  “Please…” he mutters, almost to himself. “Please stop this… you’re hurting me…”

  I scoff and roll my eyes so hard that it almost hurts.

  “I’m hurting you?!” I say in disbelief. “Do you even hear…”

  But before I can yell at him, the whispering continues.

  “Please… I’m begging you… I’m in pain… he doesn’t need to hurt too.”

  Now I can’t tell who he’s pleading with, but it’s apparently not meant for me. I wonder if he’s arguing with some fractured part of his own mind. When he looks back up at me, more tears break free.

  “Arun,” he tries to say again. “Please forgive me! I didn’t… I didn’t mean to say that.”

  “I think I need to be somewhere else right now,” I manage to tell him, trembling through the words.

  He starts to stand up, taking half a step closer, but I turn away before he can stop me. I walk slowly out of the room because if I run out, I might just break down in front of him completely.

  I leave the bedroom, quietly shutting the door behind me. My hands are still shaking so I press them against my thighs as I walk, thinking it might be enough to get them to stop.

  The manor… it feels different now. Far colder than it’s ever felt. I don’t even realize where I’ve been walking until I’m outside in the gardens, the pathway a bit cool beneath my bare feet. I focus on how the moonlight falls over the flower petals, painting them in silver.

  Truthfully, I want to be angry. I want to run right back into our bedroom and scream at him, but I just feel hollow now. I wasn’t very kind with my words either, I suppose. I kneel and brush over the stems and petals to ground myself as much as I can. Eventually, I’m sitting on the bench, watching the night sky for a while before I go back in.

  But the moment I step back inside, I stop, suddenly too aware of the memories of us screaming at each other. If I go back into our bedroom, it’ll feel too much like walking through a room of smoke that hasn’t cleared yet.

  I can’t step in there. Not tonight, at least. Almost unconsciously, my feet carry me to one of the guest rooms. I lower myself onto the mattress and curl up under the blanket that almost feels like it’s trying to swallow me whole.

  When I wake hours later, the sun hasn’t even made its appearance yet. I don’t hear Alexios moving around the house either. I can’t tell if he’s in the bedroom still, his study or somewhere else.

  Still, I’m not sure if I can face him right now, but as soon as I walk into the dining hall, Alexios is already seated at the far end of the table, halfway through a cup of tea. He looks up once to at least acknowledge me, then looks back down at his cup. I decide on the chair closer to the other end of the table, leaving at least six empty chairs in between us.

  At this point, I’m not even sure if he’s avoiding looking at me or if I’m avoiding looking at him. Probably both, I’d assume. But eventually, I can’t bear the silence anymore.

  “How have I been an ungrateful brat?”

  Alexios doesn’t look up right away and for a second, I assume he’ll just pretend he didn’t hear me. When he pushes his cup away and looks over at me, I see the pure exhaustion in his face. Seems as though he didn’t get much sleep either.

  “I shouldn’t have said that,” he admits. “I… I wasn’t thinking, Arun.”

  “How… have I been an ungrateful brat?” I repeat, much more firmly this time.

  He shakes his head solemnly while one of his fingers hesitantly taps against the table.

  “You haven’t,” he tells me. “It was a horrible thing to say and I need you to know I didn’t get a bit of sleep last night because of how much I regretted saying it.”

  I grip the edge of the table in frustration. This should feel like a win, shouldn’t it?

  “Then why did you lash out at me like that? Why were you… so cruel to me?”

  “Why were you cruel to me?” he throws back at me. “Do you really believe what you said to me?”

  I sigh and swallow sharply.

  “No,” I admit, ashamed. “I guess I wasn’t very kind to you either. I just… I guess I wanted to hurt you. We both hurt each other last night. You’ve given me more than I could’ve ever imagined and I’m incredibly grateful for you, but I don’t understand why you keep me out like I’m just… something pretty at your table.”

  Alexios’s elbows come to rest sharply on the table as he covers his eyes, as a wave of new tears fall.

  “I thought you loved me,” I whisper as my heart aches. “I thought you wanted me to be your husband. That’s what you’ve said before, right?”

  He nods, hands still shaking against his face.

  “I want that more than anything,” I think I hear him mutter under his breath.

  “Every time I try to understand you, you shut me out like I’m nothing but a burden. If I’m wrong about what we are to one another, then you should tell me because I can’t…”

  My voice trembles. The thought alone almost drives me mad.

  “I can’t keep wondering if the man I fell in love with still wants me the way I want him,” I finally get out.

  He stands then, still crying as he takes a few slow steps towards me.

  “Arun, I’m not… I’m not good at letting you see the worst of me,” he admits. “I’m not pushing you away because I don’t love you. I’m pushing you away because I… because I don’t know if I can keep you safe.”

  I lean forward, shifting my head to the side.

  “Safe?” I ask, rather confused. “From what?”

  Alexios’s lips tremble as he tries to hold back another sob. His eyes are on the table again.

  “Alexios,” I plead. “Don’t do this right now. Don’t shut me out again, I’m begging you.”

  He walks up in front of me… and collapses right at my feet, pressing his head against my knees. A long, painful sigh passes through his lips.

  “I am hurting,” he finally tells me. “I’m not… my mind isn’t where I want it to be now. It feels like I can’t quiet… certain thing no matter how desperately I try.”

  His hands tighten around my calves as my tail comes to rest gently on his shoulder.

  “I didn’t want to drag you into it,” he adds. “You already have so much to carry.”

  My shoulders drop as one of my hands comes to rest of his shoulder.

  “Alexios…” I sigh, shaking my head. “We need to help each other, no matter how much we each have to carry. We’re in this together, remember?”

  He nods slowly as he cries in my lap, tears soaking through the fabric of my pants but I don’t mind. Even though I didn’t get the in-depth answer I was looking for, this still feels like a crack in the wall he’s placed around him. His hands reach up to grab my waist, likely trying to ground himself in whatever he can to get away from the shadows in his mind.

  I can’t just sit here and watch him fold in on himself again so I push back my chair and sit on the floor with him. As soon as I do, he immediately pulls me into his arms.

  “Is this about work?” I ask him quietly. “Is everything okay with the plantation?”

  “It’s not about work,” he replies, pulling me in even closer to his chest. “It’s just… a lot. A lot that I’m still trying to figure out, I guess.”

  “Felcren City probably has specialists who are trained to help with things like this,” I tell him as gently as I can. “It might help to talk to one of them, Alexios. We can go together if you’d like?”

  The only response I get is one of his hands moving down my spine while his lips rest against my forehead. I guess that will have to be enough for now.

  “I’m sorry,” I follow. “I’m sorry for what I said about Nykky. I didn’t mean it.”

  His arms tighten around me.

  “I know. I’m sorry for what I said too. You’re the kindest person I’ve ever met and it was wrong of me to hurt you like that.”

  Alexios lets out a shaky breath as I shut my eyes and hold onto him tighter. Whatever darkness is eating at him, we’ll fight it together.