I opened my eyes in the guest room bed, or at least what it looked like the bed had been replaced by. My body was half-sunk into the mattress and wrapped in blankets like a burrito as I slowly extricated myself and let out an exhausted yawn. Something felt off, and it took me a long moment to realize that there was a dull pain missing from my body I’d never thought about having been there.

  My back and shoulders felt loose, and my arms and legs felt like they were moving better than they should have as I reached over and picked up my new phone. It was weird, and I needed to ask Calliope how the fuck she’d done that, as much as I wondered how I’d never noticed the pain before now.

  It was eleven, and I felt good that I had a little time to get ready for Hunter to be here. For a moment I considered taking a shower and getting dressed, before I realized my hair was still a little damp, smelling of flowers, and my clothes similarly felt recently washed. I had to hand it to Calliope, she’d done a good job of making sure I didn’t feel weird waking up.

  The thought had no sooner left my head then my door opened, and Calliope came in carrying a tray full of food and a glass of orange juice. She smiled at me, and I forced a tired smile back as she asked, “how do you feel?”

  “Surprisingly good,” I muttered, watching as she sat the tray down in my lap and the orange juice on the nightstand. “No problems?”

  “Everything went well,” Calliope giggled, floating around as she made sure I had my plate of pancakes and bacon balanced. “I’ll spare the details though, unless you really want them.”

  I nodded, smiling as I started to pull my pancake apart to eat, mixing everything together on the plate. The silence rested just a moment before I finally had to ask something.

  “Did you take drugs in my body?” I asked, moving around my shoulder, still surprised how loose it felt in the socket, like it wasn’t forced in place, “my body feels good, and not, like, post-sex good.”

  “Oh no, I was literally just shocked how much it hurt to be in your body at first, like genuinely I’d never felt that uncomfortable,” Calliope admitted, sitting beside me on the bed as I ate, “Vergil massaged it out of us, but it took like an hour. Mary, please just learn to stretch every now and then. Get a heating pad, crack your back on a chair, I heard you just got a promotion with a salary, go somewhere to get that rubbed out every now and then. You’re a fucking werewolf, you’re fucking dislocating your bones and fucking up muscles regularly, I don’t know how you lived feeling like that.”

  “Oh,” I said, nodding slowly at the realization. I’d never thought that sort of thing would be important with a werewolf’s healing, but apparently it was. “Well, I’m glad it worked out.”

  “Yeah, stayed up a little late but fell asleep for a while,” Calliope listed, laying her head back against the pillows, “woke up, got your clothes in the washer, got bored and did your hair and makeup, took a shower. I thought I did a good job getting you comfortable before I relinquished control, but you did end up falling asleep three seconds after asking how it went, so I tucked you in.”

  “Well, thanks for the breakfast,” I said, giving a small laugh at the details, all too much more than I needed. I didn’t even remember the initial reclaiming of control, so my body must have been tired and relaxed enough that I needed the extra sleep.

  A little later, I’d finished the breakfast and Calliope took my dishes even as I laced my boots and left the guest room. Vergil was standing by the fridge eating ice cream from a gallon tub when I walked out, wearing a pair of slacks and an undershirt as he looked over to me. He looked even more tired than I felt, and gave an awkward smile and nod as I went to make a cup of coffee.

  “Anyone stopped by yet?” I asked, rubbing my eyes in exhaustion, “waiting on Hunter, guy who was with me the other day.”

  “Not yet, I’ll let you know if anyone tries buzzing in,” Vergil said, grabbing two coffee mugs he sat out while I prepared the machine. He ground the beans, and I had everything set up, and as we started the coffee even as he said, “haven’t seen tattoos like that in a long while.”

  I was confused for a moment, before it clicked for me I hadn’t needed to show him. I nodded, and told him, “Purists. Have to say I’m not sure how I feel about some of them.”

  “Well, magic can fix a lot if you wanted it to,” the man said, shrugging at the thought, “I think they look pretty good, kinda rough but in an artistic way. Some people might question the…well, the meaning, but I’ve always thought they were still beautiful on principle. Purists have their meanings for them, but they meant something on their own once upon a time.”

  “Yeah, pretty enough for silver knives and wood burners,” I snorted, shaking my head as I paced the floor slightly. There were a few bags by the door, and I looked down to see the presents from my party. I thought about it for a moment, before starting to run my fingers slowly through my hair, trying to keep it as nice as possible like I’d been taught and repeatedly catching on knots I slowly fingered out. “So, you said you have a job in the mountains, right? Need any help with that?”

  “No, pretty standard affair all things considered, at least with what I deal with,” the man said, chuckling as he poured our coffee, “my bags are already loaded though, just let me know when you’re ready and I’ll help you bring your stuff down. No rush, know you’re waiting on your um… ex husband.”

  I agreed, and we went about drinking our coffee while I checked my phone. Apparently The Lady had made sure to keep my number the same somehow, and I was actually surprised with how many texts I’d gotten in just a few hours.

  Allie had messaged, saying I could contact her by that number, and The Lady had messaged about scheduling a training meeting next week. Other than that though it was just…other people I knew, messaging about random things. Tara talked about going shopping one day and her piercing my ears tonight if I wanted, Andrew sent me a picture of Lord dead asleep between the car seats, Knives asked if I needed a ride home later in the day. Even Sigyn had messaged, saying she’d gotten my number from Tara and heard I had GED resources sent over and she did some tutoring on the side.

  It was…weird, to be getting so many messages, that they were so casual. It was also nice. The thought was still turning around in my head when a buzzing rang through the room. Vergil checked his phone and nodded as he told me, “Hunter’s here.”

  I thanked him, chugging my coffee as I sat my mug aside and took the elevator down. It was a long trip, feeling like an eternity trapped in a few seconds until I stepped off and went to the door, opening it to reveal my former mate.

  Hunter was wearing his normal clothes, with his cowboy hat low on his head as he nodded to me. I let him in, thinking that was easier than going outside where we might be overheard, and led him to a couch. There we sat down, the man moving to sit close to me before I moved farther down the couch to give us a good foot of room.

  “Did you think about what I said?” Hunter asked, almost sounding like he’d already learned the answer.

  “I did,” I said, nodding slowly as I briefly considered changing my answer. My heart won out, and I shook my head as I told him, “and I can’t marry you.”

  Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere.

  Hunter frowned for a moment, tilting his head at my answer as he asked in almost disappointment and disbelief, “you won’t?”

  “No,” I answered, letting out a small sigh, “I can’t. Hunter, I…I love you, and I feel like that’s not going to change for a while. I loved you, you treated me better than anyone I knew in the Purists. I can’t marry you though.”

  “Why not?” he asked, frowning as the man rose to his feet, pacing on the floor, “Mary, you just said so yourself that you loved me. Why not marry me if you love me?”

  I froze, worried he was about to get angry before I gathered my resolve, letting out a small sigh as I rose to my feet myself. He looked up to me for a moment and I reached out, resting a hand on his shoulder. He seemed ready to pull away, and I slowly told him, “I love you, Hunter, I do. I wish I could marry you… but, I wish you’d leave the Purists first. Right now though…Hunter, I think leaving the Purists would help you, I think you’d be happier, and I think you could still have a good life. You make me worse though, I make you worse, and I can’t tell if that would still be true if you left or not. I’m at my worst when I’m with you and…I wouldn’t expect you to make yourself worse for my happiness.”

  He nodded, his expression falling as he briefly turned his back on me. I wanted to hug him, to pull him against me, to tell him I’d fucking changed my mind. Instead I stood there and he said, “so, this is it then?”

  The words stung.

  I knew it was coming, this was what this had been for, and yet I hadn’t expected the words to seem so real. It was the first acknowledgment that this was the end, and I couldn’t let it be the last.

  It hurt to nod, and yet I forced myself to. I forced a gulp and I reached into my pocket as I told him, “yeah, yeah it is. I…Hunter, if you left the Purists? If I saw you get better, if I felt like I could be a good person around you? I’d have no reason to say no. As it is now though, if I married you, if we did that and you left like you are now? We’d both be dead before Christmas.”

  “Bloodhound, I…” Hunter stopped himself, sighing a moment as he turned to face me, “that wouldn’t be me, Mary.”

  “I know,” I said, pulling the locket and mate bracelet from my pocket, holding them out and placing it in his hand. He looked down in horror a moment, before he sighed in defeat, closing his hands around the jewelry as I told him, “and maybe that’s why it’s best it happens like this. You…we both deserve someone who’s more like we want Hunter. Give that bracelet to someone who’s what you need, and I’ll find someone who won’t pull me down when I’m ready.”

  Hunter nodded, and the man slowly held up the locket, looking it over as he ran his finger on the carved surface. He looked at it for a long while, and in almost a whisper told me, “this was a gift, it’s yours.”

  “It was a gift,” I agreed, reaching out to close my hand around us, “and Martin’s no longer in there, it’s just a memory of us.”

  We stood like that a long while, looking on at each other, and with a sigh Hunter placed the items in his pockets. He smiled a sad smile, he looked up to me for a final time, pulling a small slip of paper from his pocket he passed over to me.

  I unfolded it, finding a phone number, and before I could ask he told me, “I…I thought this might happen. Chaser gave this to me, it…it’s Gevaudan’s number. If you want to call her anytime you can. I thought…well, I thought if I left the Purists Chaser might not see me again and couldn't help contact her. If you turned me away… then you’d deserve to have this.”

  I nodded, holding the letter close as I tried to think of something to say. Something profound, something kind, something hopeful that he’d made the right choice in the end.

  All I could say in the end was, “Goodbye, Hunter.”

  “Goodbye, Mary,” he replied, and with that left.

  The door closed behind him, and I was left alone, my heart racing, and I nearly collapsed as my mind swam like a murky ocean.

  Eventually, nearly jolting myself to action, I walked up the steps through the club, until I found myself on the empty third floor. There, letting out a sigh of defeat, I walked over to the closed bar and climbed to the other side. I fetched a glass and bottle, and poured myself a drink, all the while sitting the paper down and staring at it deep in thought.

  My drink made, I leaned against the counter and pulled out my phone, slowly dialing the number. I held the device to my ear, my hand trembling, and it rang in my ear slowly, agonizingly bringing about the repeated silence where I wondered if it’d been answered or not. Every part of me screamed to hang up, to not finish the call, and I had to force myself to stand there and let it continue until the final ring was answered.

  “Hello?” Gevaudan asked, sounding a little confused as she answered.

  “Hey, Gevaudan, it’s me, Mary,” I said, before realizing she hadn’t heard from me in so long that she didn’t know that name. “Bloodhound, Martin’s mom. I go by Mary now.”

  “Oh, hey Mary, how’s it going?” the woman asked, sounding surprisingly happy by the news, “I heard you left the Purists, cute choice of name.”

  “Thanks, it’s been an…it’s been a year,” I admitted, giving an awkward laugh at the thought as I sipped my drink. “I…I have this job, working for this vampire down here, The Lady. Pretty good pay, I think. I don’t know, I never actually had a like, human job I guess.”

  “Well, if you think it’s a lot it means it’s covering what you need,” Gevaudan admitted with a small giggle, “think you’ll be able to get up here sometime soon? I know you never got to last year, wouldn’t mind having a guest.”

  “I…I don’t know,” I admitted, letting out a small sigh, “not really sure what the situation is just yet. I’d like to, but it might still be a while. I just started this, and…I’m still on a tight leash, they don’t trust a former Purist.”

  “Take your time,” she told me, and I nodded to no one even as she added on, “Martin’s doing good, I’m doing the best I can with him. He starts preschool this year, there’s this really nice one just down the street from the hospital. We took some pictures to celebrate, I could send some copies down for you if you wanted.”

  “Thank you,” I told her, not sure what else to say, “I can text you the address and stuff, I don’t want to be a bother though.”

  “You’re family, Mary,” Gevaudan comforted, and the comfort hurt more than it should have. “I hate to do this to you, but I’m just waiting on the babysitter right now. One of the doctors had a family emergency, I’m covering the rest of her shift and I don’t have long to talk right now.”

  “No, no, it’s fine,” I said quickly, sighing as I rested my forehead against the counter for a moment. My chest felt like an empty pit, and I felt sick to my stomach, like I was going to throw up, and I forced myself to ask, “I was just…is Martin there? I was hoping I could talk to him.”

  “He was just eating his lunch,” Gevaudan told me, the sounds of muffled footsteps coming over the phone. I wiped the tears that formed in my eyes, and resisted the urge to hang up. A few seconds later, the woman came back over the phone and said, “alright, you’re on speaker. Hey, Marty, say hi to mommy.”

  “Hi, aunty,” Martin said, making me laugh slightly as I wiped my eyes.

  “He stopped calling me mommy, but I think he thinks aunty means the same thing,” Gevaudan admitted with a chuckle.

  “Hey, Martin,” I croaked out, smiling as I leaned hard on the counter and watched the empty club in front of me. “I…mommy just wanted to say she loves you. I know we haven’t gotten to talk in a long while, but I’m hoping we can change that, okay?”

  “I love you,” Martin replied, and I closed my eyes as I focused on the words.

  “Be good to aunty Gevaudan, okay?” I told him, forcing out a small laugh as I felt the tears start to pour out.

  I faintly heard Martin say, “I’ll be good, aunty,” and the rustling of the phone. A few seconds later Gevaudan’s voice came over the speakers again, once more sounding like she was off speaker as she asked me, “you sure you’re okay, Mary?”

  “I’m good,” I said, nodding as I started to pace behind the bar slightly, “I should get going, I don’t want to keep you.”

  “It’s not a problem, really,” Gevaudan reassured me, not speaking for a few seconds before she told me, “he’s going to be fine, I promise. It’s nice having him around, and he’s just the most perfect kid someone could dream of.” there was a sound in the background, and Gevaudan said something I couldn’t understand before coming back to tell me, “hey, I need to go, please tell me if you need anything, okay? If you want I’ll call you when I get off, Martin’s usually awake for a bit you two can have longer together.”

  We said our goodbyes, promising to speak soon, and hung up, and I stood there silent for a long time as I slid my phone in my pocket and looked up to the ceiling. I’d been crying, and somehow I felt wonderful as I let out a sad chuckle and wiped my face on my shirt collar.

  Things were looking up, even if just ever so slightly.

  I didn’t have the least bit of idea what I wanted to do with my life, I didn’t even know what I was going to do tomorrow. People were dragging me around, I was having less and less choice about what to do in the future, but at the same time…

  I had an opportunity to have a future.

  I’d lost some choices, and I’d gotten a hundred in their place and I had a thousand things I could have done over the years to come. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life, but I also didn’t even know who I was or who I wanted to be. That's what I needed to focus on first, before I made my choices, before I chose my life.

  I needed to find out who I actually was.

  Maybe then I could be human.

  Maybe then I could be happy.