Rebecca Pov

  I was totally shitting it about Jordan's first day of school, (well nursery, but it's attached to the school, so I called it school), but I was trying to hide that fact from Jordan, because if he saw that I was shitting his first day of school, he wouldn't want to go, and that was the last thing I needed.

  Anyway we were waiting outside, as you do, and for a 3 year old, Jordan was actually waiting quite well, (or so I bloody thought), that was until I felt a little tug on my coat sleeve, (though honestly I was ready to throw that coat off, as it was itchy as fuck, but it was waterproof so that was why I still wore it), so I get down to his eye level, so that he wasn't straining his neck trying to ask me questions, (that's what the tug meant).

  "Mama"

  "Yeah Bubba"

  "How long am I here for?"

  "The day here starts at 9 o'clock, which is when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 9 on the clock, Daddy's going to pick you up at 12 o'clock, which is when both the little hand and the big hand are on the 12"

  "Ok, Mama the loud hurts"

  Yes it's pretty obvious to me now that both Jordan and I are Autistic, (actually all my kids are, as Levi and I are both autistic), but I didn't know that at the time, (as I didn't know what Autism was), I knew was 'shit he's inherited my extra noise' and that scared me for him, (nowadays I know that what I'm describing is sensory overload, but I didn't have that knowledge at the time), but that wasn't going to help him in the here and now, so I covered his ears, hoping that it helped him even a little bit, (knowing that it was a very temporary solution to a very permanent problem).

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  "Is that better Baby?"

  "Yeah, thank you Mama"

  "You're welcome Sweetheart"

  I felt awful I gave my baby my issues, which looking back on it, was weird as nobody can control what gets passed on from them, but you can't control how you feel, only how you go about the thing you have feelings about, (fuck I sound so emotionally put together here, and I certainly am not).

  Anyway we waited another couple of minutes to get in, the introductory thing happened, (honestly I blocked that the fuck outta my head), and the goodbyes were done, and then I went home, (I don't know how else you want me to describe it to ya here).

  I kept myself busy until Levi got home with Jordan, (not that it took much effort for me in the end with Elijah and Ophelia at home with me, but I wanted it noted), and it felt weird that he wasn't there, (and it continued to feel weird for 3 weeks afterwards even though it was only 3 mornings a week).

  The day continued after they got home until all the kids were in bed, as that was the point in the day where Levi and I actually got to talk about our day and if something was bothering us, ya know, (it worked for us, but I'm not sure how universal this would work for other people), which we usually did in bed, (it was comfortable, sue me).

  "How did drop off go this morning?"

  "He was fine once we got in, but before we got in, he said that the loud hurts"

  "That sounds like your extra noise"

  "Yeah it does, I feel bad that he got that from me"

  "It's not like we could've chosen what traits he got"

  "No, but that fact doesn't make the guilt go away"

  "Yeah I suppose it wouldn't, (kisses temple), we'll get him help if we need to"

  "The only thing that helped me was when I was an active alcoholic"

  "We'll figure it out Baby, we always do"

  Levi was right of course, but that didn't make it any easier for us to try and figure out here, we also didn't have any plan for trying to go forward with Jordan having my 'extra noise' issue, (I mean we had an emergency method, but it wasn't going to work all the time, as it was a last resort thing, not a coping mechanism).

  I didn't sleep that night, but it wasn't for the normal 'I can't sleep' reason, it was more because I was worried about Jordan's 'extra noise' (it's in quotation marks because I have since found out that what I called 'extra noise' was actually sensory overload), but there wasn't anything that could've done differently that would have changed the fact that he inherited it.