Mom…? Dad…? Jackie…? What do I do now…

  “I’ll tell you what to do,” a voice echoed from behind me as I got out of my car, “Get me a fuckin’ cig.”

  “I’m not getting a cigarette, Johnny…” I grumbled, “What the fuck, man… I mean, seriously… what the fuck.”

  “What? I left you alone that whole-ass time. Listened patiently to your speech – very touching, how much you mentioned yourself and not poor old Jackie–”

  “Oh don’t– Don’t you dare say his name!” I growled, “You might be stuck in my head but that doesn’t mean that you got some big fucking shoes to fill and let me tell you something, you are not inspiring any confidence.”

  Johnny just scoffed at me like I was telling him not to touch something in a museum. Fucking asshole, I swear… “Pff, whatever. Look, I’m just tryin’a help. Just sounds like you really need a smoke, is all.”

  “Johnny, I’ve not smoked a day in my life and I’m not about to start because some fucking washed-up rockerboy turned terrorist happens to be in my head! If I need a fucking smoke, it’s because of the realization that I gotta put up with you.”

  “Well fuckin’ A, now we’re gettin’ somewhere, cause you’re stuck with me whether you like it or not, so pucker up and get that fuckin’ cig in ya.”

  “You know what? I’m honestly shocked nobody put a bullet in your head before all this shit, considering you have the emotional depth of a fucking lawn ornament.”

  “Yeah, well you ain’t much better, Miss I’m-Such-a-Mysterious-Samurai. Fuck’s that kinda shtick for, anyway, you some kinda priss or som’n?”

  “Please, as if you’d ever open up to your friends – did you even have any friends?… Or did your body just rot away on its own, ignored by the world like I wish it’d stayed?” I hissed, “You know what, fuck this. Get the fuck in the car.”

  “Mm, fire in your eyes, I like that. Whatcha got in mind?” he appeared in my passenger seat as I gunned the engine, my Skyline screaming to life and leaving Jackie’s motorcycle parked in the garage corner.

  “Oh, I bet you’re gonna love this,” I sneered manically as I raced through traffic and headed north, the rain fiercely pouring down hard enough that my car threatened to hydroplane at every turn. I could barely see around the next corner, but I honestly didn't give two shits at this point. A car could come screaming around a blind bend and smash into me and I'd be happy about it. Fuck this… Fuck Johnny. Fuck this one-month timer bullshit. I just buried my brother, and now I have to leave my mother to bury another child. My birth family hasn't spoken a word to me in over a decade, nor would I imagine they'd want to considering I stole their fucking car and swords. None of my friends can help, and the more I interact with them, the more pain it'll be for them in the end, so what's the fucking point.

  And then there's this asshole, egging me on in the passenger seat. “Whoa, slow down, Turbo, you tryin’ to get us killed? Cause I’m diggin’ this plan so far, c’mon. Faster.”

  “GAAH!” I screamed as I tore through the streets and headed to the highway, my engine pegging the limiter as I slam-shifted into fifth gear. I swear to fuck, I’m gonna drive the ever-loving piss out of my car if it makes you shut up… Just leave, come on… just go. The city line is right there, just head up 95 like you don’t have a care in the world. Go to NorCal. Sacramento, with all the other anxiety-riddled veterans on the ragged edge, you’d fit right in there. Go on, start over, like you don’t have a fucking ticking bomb in your head without a shadow of a prayer for help out there. Drive all the way to Japan, who the fuck cares… “MmmmmmFUCK!!”

  I raced up the road, with Night City fading into the fog behind me. Who the fuck am I kidding, nobody was coming to help me. Nobody. And I certainly couldn't help myself, what the fuck could I do?! Not in this timeframe, anyway. So what the fuck, why not just end it all on my terms. At least I have control over my destiny, the same way I have control over my fucking car.

  There's the sign… "Now Leaving Night City." Good fucking riddance.

  All I wanted to do was run… Run, and scream.

  God dammit… God fucking dammit…

  No. I had a better idea…

  I slammed on the brakes at about 200 km/h, sending the car sailing onto the beach off to the left of the highway, stopping just short of half-burying the rear tires in sand. “That’s it… I… I can’t fucking do this…” I muttered as I grabbed my sword, along with Yorinobu Arasaka’s personal tanto I hadn’t brought upstairs into the apartment yet… Was sitting on my back seat for just such an occasion, I suppose. Whatever, fine, it'll do. Not like I'm gonna give a rat's ass what kind of sword does the job.

  “Oh fuck yeah, we finally gettin’ this done? Go on, do it,” Johnny egged me on as I collapsed onto the beach, still dressed in my funeral kimono… I suppose it was as appropriate as any outfit, considering the occasion… “C’mon, chica.”

  "Fuck you, Johnny…" I frowned, drawing Shinden and letting it sit idly by my side. This weapon has drawn so much blood over the centuries. I'm sure it wouldn't mind one more clean kill if the tanto couldn't manage it…

  “You know… no matter what I do, you’re right… I’m on borrowed time,” My eyes trailed off into the pouring rain, Night City still somewhere out in the distance, “I’m thousands of kilometers from where I grew up… My family disowned me… My brother’s dead… The people who love me are gonna have to see me slowly lose myself more and more every passing hour… You tell me, Johnny… What the fuck is the point?!”

  “No point, you hit it right on the head,” Johnny muttered from behind me while I idly stared at the shadow my headlights cast into the water, “Just make it quick, none of that disemboweling bullshit you samurai put yourselves through.”

  “And what the fuck right do you have about insulting my traditions?!” I snapped and lashed out, back-handing my sword and driving it into the thin air his engram’s projection occupied, “So-rry, but you don’t get to dictate to me how I choose to end my life!”

  “Look, whatever, just get it overwith already,” he scaoded me, “Or are you gonna keep fuckin’ around, c’mon.” His engram danced around the sword as I dropped it beside me, my body still instinctively wanting to yank it out of him as if he was made of solid material. If only it was that easy. I suppose I could jab the tanto directly into my neuroport, maybe that'll have the same effect. Fuck knows. Might find out later tonight if he keeps this up.

  But… I'm tired.

  I can't do this anymore… It's been a week and I can't do this anymore… What hope do I have of making it a month.

  “I don’t know…” I dropped to my knees, quietly sobbing in the constant rain, “I hate this… I hate this… What did I do… What… What did I do… Jackie…”

  With a shaky hand, I gently sheathed my sword and retrieved the tanto… “I tried… I tried so hard… Why couldn’t I save him…”

  “Cause you were busy gettin’ fucked by Dex, that’s why. Blame yourself for the shit you can control, at least.” Johnny's words stung like a hornet.

  A case of theft: this story is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.

  “No… no… wait, how do you even know that…”

  “You’re not just in my head, remember? No secret’s off-limits to me, Miss S–”

  “DON’T… say my name…” I slammed my fist into the sand, kicking it up all over my socks before the rain washed it right back off again.

  “Hmph… touchy subject, huh,” he rolled his eyes behind his sunglasses, I could feel his condescending glance like a ray of sunshine in a blizzard. “Whatever, I only know it begins with an S, but I guess it won't matter in a few minutes anyway. Speakin' of which, this whole shitty play you’re puttin’ on – Look, why bother gettin’ out the condom if you ain’t gonna fuck. You gonna put that blade in your ear hole or not? It’s fuckin’ depressing out here listening to this shit.”

  “SHUT UP!” I shouted back at him with a charred, broken voice, “I… I hate you… so much…”

  “Yeah, well, feeling’s mutual. Tell you what, though, why don’t you try wakin’ up a half century later inside some weird-ass corpo lap dog’s head and then complain about how shit your life is, huh? Least you have the option to fuckin’ kill yourself.” Of course he's making it all about him…

  “Says the engram. Did you even notice the time difference, did you even care?! Tell you what, if you hate me so much then why don’t you just leave me the Hell alone!”

  “God, for someone who’s known for bein’ reserved, you sure won’t shut the fuck up,” he lashed at me, “Just do it already, I’m gettin’ bored.”

  “Know what? Fine…” I grabbed the blade and raised it up to my stomach… It was… it felt… cold. Tingly. I could feel it even though it hadn't actually touched me.

  Seppuku… An honor reserved for samurai… Heh… honor. A funny word, if ever there was one… What even was honorable in this situation… What am I supposed to do… Why do you make me suffer… Is this what my ancestors felt in their last moments…? All I felt was… cold. A deep, black cold. Like I had suddenly found myself in the middle of the water with no hope of rescue. I might as well go under… get it overwith. Let the water fill my lungs.

  No… I've given up. There was no honor anymore. Where is the honor in suffering in silence for a month? Where is the honor in granting people a false hope that it will be okay? Where is the honor in what I have done? I have lied, cheated, stolen, killed for money and for a master I never fully trusted in the first place. I have pretended to be someone I'm not for over a decade… I have not even spoken my name to myself, nor my closest friends, nor my family, for years… Why do I deserve seppuku… I should just shoot myself in the face instead… I was a poor samurai. And a terrible person. What right do I have to this when I lost my honor many years ago…

  And now… now I am going to die anyway. I have a maniac in my head… my brother died for this… Is this punishment? For me not being able to save him…? I’ve endured years of war, betrayal, heartbreak, and terrible loss that I’m not able to grieve… and this is my reward?! I suppose it's only just, though. What more do I have left to give…

  I feel like the fire…

  All I do is destroy…

  I pressed the dulled blade to my gut, the tip threatening to pierce the silk fabric of the kimono… my hands won’t stop shaking… Just a cut, sever the abdominal aorta, then stab myself in the throat… it’ll be all over in a few minutes, at most…None of the suffering. None of the pain of my mind shattering… none of the terrible burden I’d place upon my friends, upon Mamá, who’d already lost a son… I couldn’t bear to tell her that she’d lose a daughter as well.

  In such a hopeless situation, this felt like the sanest choice of all… and it terrified me…

  Would you forgive me, mother…? Father? Jackie?

  Jackie…

  “The biochip… take care… of it… for me…” he said…

  Jackie… I’m sorry… I can't do this…

  I took a sharp breath in and prepared myself… and my hand trembled… the tanto slipped through my fingers…

  I…

  I can’t… I can't do it…

  Why can't I do it? Why? Do I not deserve this? Do I deserve something worse? Am I so pathetic that I can’t even kill myself properly…?

  I couldn’t… I… I couldn’t do it…

  Why can’t I do it…

  Jackie… I’m so lost… I’m lost… and scared…

  I wasn’t strong enough to save you. And I’m not strong enough to make up for it… I have nothing, no more honor left to regain…

  “Jackie…” I whimpered to myself, bawling my eyes out…

  The tanto rested in the sand, taunting me. I could feel it teasing me. Judging me.

  “Shit, you sound like a fuckin’ pussy,” Johnny spoke like a devil over my shoulder, “Whatever. Know what, fine, I’ll just be in the back of your mind while you keep bein’ all melodramatic and shit.”

  “Fuck you… Johnny…” Somehow I had a feeling that I’d be saying that a lot.

  “Fuck you too, V. Now get the hell outta here.”

  My legs felt numb… My whole body felt numb. I looked back at this smug little asshole and all that depression turned into a blind fury…

  No… I can't. I can't give him the satisfaction…

  “Know what? I’m not gonna kill myself. Not because I think I deserve to live, but because watching you suffer is gonna be almost as satisfying as good sex.”

  “B-heh, then you haven’t had good sex in a while, I’m guessin’,” he scoffed, “Great, fine, I’ll be in the car.” Good riddance…

  Then, in that moment… a thought occurred to me.

  We are fighters. It is woven into who we are, as Japanese, and as samurai. For millennia, we fought against impossible odds. My family traces its lineage back to Emperor Kanmu, ruler of the first Shogunate. We faced near-annihilation in the Genpei War, yet we survived. We fought back the Mongol invasion with the help of Raijin and his Kamikaze. We were the personal bodyguards of the shoguns of Ashikaga. And here I am. On a beach, in the pouring rain. Ending it all with a tanto.

  I deserved better… My family deserved better. And Jackie deserves better. In life, and in death…

  Take care of the biochip…

  That’s my job… I made a promise, Jackie.

  I might’ve failed you before, but I won’t fail this. I promise.

  I looked down at the tanto still resting between my legs… Jackie… Jackie… I almost… I… I’m so sorry…

  Please tell me I’m dreaming… please… I can’t take it…

  Jackie…

  “GAAAHHH!!” I screamed to the Heavens, begging for someone to listen…

  A bolt of lightning…

  Takehaya-Susanoo no Mikoto… Narukami-Sama… Raijin… I beg of you… Wash me away. Wash me back to Japan with your great and terrible storm… Wash me to the afterlife. I can’t… and that is nothing more than more proof of my failure…

  I can’t do it… Jackie…

  I’m sorry…

  Another bolt of lightning, one that struck in the middle of the bay, with a great and terrible noise, like a gunshot. The bright flash startled me and snapped me out of my trance.

  Where was I… Was I seriously about to…

  No. No, I couldn't do that…

  Thank you, Raijin…

  "Isn't it Raiden?" Johnny reappeared behind me, as if to rub salt in the wound.

  "That's... one name for him, yes. Raiden-Sama. The God of lightning and storms."

  "Well, guess someone finally heard you scream, now will you shut the fuck up and get a move on?" he protested.

  "You know what? Fine." Next I had to scream to Omoikane to grant me the wisdom to grasp how the FUCK!! I'm going to get this thing out of my head.

  –

  I drove home, still having to endure Johnny’s petty torments… I should just keep a spare bottle of Misty’s meds in the glove compartment, come to think of it. “What the fuck do you want, anyway? What would make you shut up?” I shouted in frustration as I headed up the elevator, “What, wanna use me to finish the job with Arasaka or something? Go and storm the building again, cause another half-century long holocaust?! Huh? Would that placate you? Would that make you all warm and fuzzy inside?”

  “Okay, let’s get one thing straight,” he reappeared in my apartment as I entered, “The last thing I wanna be is locked away in your head. Your brain’s like a lump of wilted cabbage. Your body’s a fuckin’ mess. And you don’t even have the balls to end it with some fuckin’ dignity, so I gotta sit here pickin’ my fuckin’ ass for however-long ‘till I can take over what’s left. So neither of us drew a long straw in this shitty fuckin’ deal. Get a fuckin' smoke and get over yourself.”

  “And you're still trying to bum a smoke off a dying woman who just buried her brother. Hey, news flash, genius,” I sneered at him, “You want to get all holier-than-thou with me, you gotta earn that right. Because so far, the only things you’ve done are tried to get me to off myself, slam my head into the wall enough to break open my skin graft, piss me off to the point where I put a tanto to my stomach in the middle of a thunderstorm, and then you have the balls to ask me for a smoke?! Why don’t you get over yourself. Or are you just that much of an asshole that you have no concept of letting someone grieve on their own time.”

  Johnny crossed his arms and glared at me from behind his mirrored shades. “See, I would, ‘cept we don’t have any time. You heard what he said. One month! Maybe less. So I don’t give a fuck whatcha gotta do, either we figure this shit out or just paint the fuckin’ ceiling red, makes no difference to me. But if it’s all the same to you, I’d rather just get this shit over and done with. We both know how this story’s gonna end one way or another, why bother jerkin' each other off for a month beforehand.”

  “Hmph. We’ll see,” I grumbled as I took off my kimono and neatly placed it back where it belongs, “Look, it’s been a hell of a day. We have Vik’s tomorrow, I’ll run all this by him. Be good to get some more perspective. Who knows, maybe some sleep’ll bring us a little clarity.”

  “Or a little closer to the end,” Johnny muttered.

  “Okay, look, if you’re gonna be just this one-trick pony the whole time then you can fuck right off. At least I’m trying to look at the bright side,” I pissily retorted as I laid down, “I could've ended it right there, but I didn't. And you know what? Neither you nor I know nearly enough about either the Relic or my brain to know how to deal with this. Now I got one month to figure all that out. After that, this body’ll be yours to be as destructive with as you please. That’s your reward for putting up with me for one month. You can kill yourself just fine at that point. But until then, we do things my way, not yours. Got it?”

  “Hmph,” Johnny snarled, “Long as you get some fuckin’ smokes.”

  “One. Month. Then you can smoke like a fucking chimney for all I care, cause I’ll be dead.”

  “Well I certainly look forward to that,” he let out a sinister smile.

  “Fine,” I nodded and closed my eyes.

  “Fine.”