Rosanna Cavalcanti surprised me with the gift of a journal. I had told her that lately my thoughts have felt muddled or muddy, one of those words, and so, a couple nights ago, she came home with a soft-wrapped gift and it was this—this journal I’m writing in right now. She said that maybe it could help me clarify my thoughts. I suppose that means clarify my feelings too. Probably my feelings need it more than my thoughts. I didn’t begin using it the night she gave it to me, or even the night after. But on her way out earlier this evening, I saw her glance at it where it still sat on Yelena’s marble coffee table and so I decided to write in it now, before she gets back, so that if she asks if I started using it yet, I can answer truthfully that I have.

  Now that I’ve begun, the beginning feels pretty uninteresting having just read the first paragraph back. Maybe I should have waited for something momentous to happen before beginning—like another Cob?lcescu war or somebody actually falling in love with me.

  Living with Rosanna has been good. It keeps me from feeling lonely but I still have the alone time I treasure as Rosanna goes out a lot. Somehow, she’s recently formed a bond with Corinne, which means she sees Hisato more than I do. I’ll admit, I’m puzzled by this as Rosanna is so nice and so caring and so selfless, and Corinne is, well, Corinne. Still, I’m happy Rosanna and I continue to watch our moonflowers bloom as often as we do.

  Here’s something I’ve been dwelling on. Other than scribbles, which don’t really qualify, I have so very few physical remembrances of Berthold and Kristy. I still haven’t stopped beating myself up for evicting them like I did. Khalil gently hints that I give therapy more of a chance by actually scheduling regular visits. His own visits here are still regular enough even though he moved a little farther away, back to Orange County, shortly after I turned him. I wonder if that makes him feel closer to Berthold. But back to the remembrances. Of course, I still have their things in that special wooden box—their wedding invitation, her engagement ring, their last scribble—but they’re all so meaningful and I want something meaningless that only matters because it was theirs—like his necktie I could hang in the closet or her stick barrette I could toss in a drawer. I want things that could appear to be placed so naturally and so carelessly that they give the illusion of belonging to someone who still lives here. I guess I have some books they left behind. But I’m still not much of a reader. And I have the finches Berthold gave me. They’re not all dead yet.

  The genuine version of this novel can be found on another site. Support the author by reading it there.

  This journal is getting depressing and I just started. Think a happy thought, Orly.

  Um.

  Still um.

  Rosanna just got home. She smiled when she saw me writing in this. Rosanna’s smile is a happy thought. One sec. BRB.

  I’m back. And now I’m wondering why I’d write BRB in a journal as if anyone were there. If you’re reading this, whoever you are, being nosy and violating my privacy, or you’re reading this after my death, I guess you can claim that BRB was intended for you. Hi, btw.

  Rosanna is tipsy. She asked me to go out tomorrow night. Hisato got us all tickets to see Otoboke Beaver. She knows I like them. They’re an all girl punk band from Japan if you didn’t know and are still reading this and still not respecting my privacy. It’s an all ages show, which means I can get in no problem being twenty-four but forever twelve. Rosanna says there might even be hot guys and wants us to pick out outfits for the show already. But I’m just picturing a bunch of dudes with top knots and Asian fever and even if they’re not all broey like that, they’re still gonna see me as a kid too young to even be carded for a wristband. But none of this really even matters. I’m going for the band and because Rosanna is still smiling. I told her I want to wear an orange dress which seemed to baffle her.

  If I don’t give up on journaling by tomorrow night, I’ll let you know how it goes.

  https://patreon.com/rt! There, you’ll find lots of bonus content not available anywhere else!

  https://blackwaxvampire.com!