Noel had moved me into his living room, which was on the opposite side of the kitchen. It had shared the same fireplace, which still crackled with its amber flames. The black cauldron he had resting atop smelled divine – a mixture of carrots, potatoes, with the meat and bones of chicken mixed alongside herbs and spices. The scent caused my stomach to growl, but I couldn’t find my appetite.

  I sat on the softest chair I ever felt, with its backing made of soft fur and cushioned with feathers. Noel had lifted the chair – and me – up and placed me closer to the fire as he worked. His hands cracked an odd coloured tree bark into a kettle that whistled, and scooped out a small amount of the stew into a bowl.

  He pushed the table in front of me, and placed the bowl of stew down. He handed me the cup of brown liquid that still had bark floating in it. “Magnolia Bark Tea. It’ll help you relax, kid.”

  Noel sat on the floor beside me, saying nothing. I too said nothing. I raised the tea to my lips, taking a small sip and immediately spitting it out. “That’s bitter!” My teeth scraped against the top of my tongue, trying to get the brown, pungent liquid off.

  Noel laughed, standing up and then returning with a small clay pot. He took out a spoon from within, and scooped a dollop of golden honey. “That’ll make it better.”

  He didn’t remove the spoon, so I looked at it. Normally, I’d stir it through magical means, like [Mage Hand], but the cold howl of my Symphony was vastly uninviting. I angled my hand softly, trying to make sure my bleeding palm wouldn’t drip into the liquid. I started with touching the handle and pushing it against my finger, but that created an incline that the blood would drip off of. I stared angrily, until Noel intervened.

  He took the cup from my hands and stirred the drink, blowing atop of it gently to cool it down, and then returned it to me. He said nothing at all during the exchange.

  I too said nothing. Ophelia and Aywin would likely return within the hour, and although I was grateful to get the chance to talk, the words wouldn’t come. I leaned down to pick up the bowl of stew and brought it atop my lap. The warm smell tingled my nostrils, and the juicy chicken bobbed in the broth, surrounded by peas and potatoes.

  I lifted a spoonful to my mouth, and tried keeping it there. I could taste the salt and herbs, and the soft give of a chunk of potato.

  It was tainted by that copper-taste. I immediately swallowed, but the potato got lodged in my throat. I began to cough, and Noel immediately rose and patted my back.

  Again, he said nothing.

  I placed the stew back on the table, and just looked at the roaring flames. The heat was inviting. The crackling of logs was intoxicating. I stared at the center, my face getting warmer by the moment.

  “I still hear the sniffling and shouting everywhere.” I crossed my fingers against my lap, staring deep into the flames.

  “And how are you feeling, kid?”

  “I can’t sleep, I can barely eat, and… I don’t like listening to my Symphony.”

  He stood up, and placed his hand atop of my shoulder. I shirked away. I didn’t like being touched, but he was one of the four people alive I often didn’t mind. This time, it felt wrong. He didn’t need the blood atop of his hands.

  His finger squeezed in, preventing my dodge. It caressed my boney shoulder, but again, Noel said nothing. I hesitantly raised my hand up, and placed my bloodied hand atop of his.

  “...I was tasked by Rhyvesta to learn about the tenets of my kind. I had to balance the ledger - kill a slug, and a weed.”

  “A slug and a weed?” Noel’s hand moved off my shoulder and just patted my back. He stood near me, his hands resting against the backing of the chair.

  “Uh…” I hesitated, looking away from the flames and down to my lap. “A…slug is someone who takes. Takes from others, eats crops, ruins it for everyone. Slugs in my garden are bad, since they ruin my crops. I mean, they eat some other insects, but if there’s too many, they’ll begin eating my crops.”

  Noel nodded. I waited for him to say something – anything, but he did not. I took a deep breath

  “A weed is the opposite. They just sprout and spread, taking up the entire field and suffocating it. If it’s not deweeded, then there are only weeds…”

  “Population Control, yes,” he finally interrupted. He looked at the flames for a moment. His eyes watched the fire.

  “So, to deweed the population you went to a poor family that no one would miss. Figured they had too many children, and, from how I understand the story, offered them 100 gold a head of goblin money to execute their kids. You wanted an adult too, but from what the gossip is saying ‘ if you call upon Amaril to damn it, and then reason with it, you’ll be swayed?’ That is the geist of it, correct?”

  I froze in place. Phrased like that, it sounded almost as bad as experiencing the act itself. I released Noel’s hands, but he reached out and grasped mine. He squeezed softly, holding me in place.

  “I… yes. That’s pretty much how it was. But I swear on Ma, it was worse doin’ it tha’ what ya’say.”

  “Kid. Take a breath. Calm down. I said you were safe here, and I’m not here to judge you. I just wanted to know if I could follow the logic. Of course that’s just gossip. Let me see if I can see your point of view: ‘You were initially tasked to kill all of them, but you thought you could minimize the damage by sparing or taking just half. While you were doing the deed, the mother and father did something unexpected which caused you to lose your conviction, and you realized what you were actually doing.’ That sounds about right?”

  I again tried to pull away. I didn’t think my guilt was THAT obvious! Noel didn’t release me, and I couldn’t find the strength to even stand. His hand didn’t hurt, but he wouldn’t let me up. I inhaled, feeling my confusion and rage fade away.

  “Fine! Yes! Mother told me that I should send a message to the Arbiter while I was doing it - to send Bazerie a message. Mother wanted her back in the flock. I reckon that would mean I’d need people to send a message, and maybe I didn’t have to do it the full way? If I took half, I did a bit of the weedin’. Not like Mother would min’ tha’.”

  “A message? Wait, killing half of them was your idea? Okay, hold on kid.” Noel said, and took a moment to breathe himself. “Message isn’t relevant then. I’ll ask about it later. So, you killed half of them because you figured it was a way to save some of them, but now that you went through with it, you’ve realized that was still taking four lives. That's about right, kid?”

  “Yes!” I roughly squeezed his hand.

  He didn’t move. “So, Rhyvesta didn’t tell you to kill just half of them?”

  “No! I just thought she wanted all of them! But she never said, and then she wanted me to send a message as well, and I tried two ways!”

  “...Two messages? And no one talked about that? What?” He muttered, his other hand just scratching against his beard. “Sorry, wrong question. Your interpretation was that just killing 4 was enough?”

  “Yes!”

  “I get it. You’re worried if you’re a good person. You tried to make a compromise against an impossible request, because you believed the job still had to get done. You went through with it, and because you did it, you’ve realized that’s ‘not what a good person does’. You’re looking for a way to see it right… To absolve yourself of your guilt and say you didn’t do something monstrous.”

  I saw the blood I had worked so hard to remove slowly reappear. Over this damn skin. Who knew how much blood a small family could have. I tried to open my mouth, but no words came out.

  “You’re not going to be able to do that. That guilt is something you’re going to have to live with everyday. I am not saying I agree with you or your logic here - I don’t think many people could make that jump or get into that situation. But that’s kind of the point - you’re in your own situation with your own rules. You aren’t a raggedy [Farm Girl] anymore.”

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  “Noel, that sounds like you’re saying I’m allowed to kill because I’m a [Necromancer].”

  Noel laughed, and patted my back.” Ashley, that is crazy - but the thing is, you have to accept it. The reason you can do it is because you’re not part of that society. You have to accept you moved on, you are just not sane by their standards. If you want to be a [Necromancer], what defines good and evil to you has to be your own decision.”

  He finally released me, turning his attention to the flames again. “Turn yourself in, and say you’re part of normal society. What you did was, by their standards, objectively evil. Or, accept that the path you picked for yourself is objectively right, and you’d be happier following it all the way then dying. You don’t have to know right now. You can take small steps. But I want you to know, I don’t think what you did was right - I just understand the reasoning, since you're a manageable parasite.”

  “That again. But parasites don’t kill children! They don’t enslave the dea–”

  “They absolutely do. Parasites aren’t just insects, Ashley. They’re part of nature, like all of the world is. But again, I said I view you like one. I have to accept that what you do is evil to me. That’s not what’s in question right now. What is your view?”

  “I killed… four… kids….” I slowly said. Noel reached down to raise my stew to me. I took it from his hands, stirring the broth and food together.

  “...Because?”

  “It was… the right thing to do. Rhyvesta is right. The world is ruled by a ledger. Everything has to be balanced correctly. I have to be Adrian’s equal for him to see me as a worthy friend. I have to balance my family's debts. I balanced the tables. And when I accepted The Ledger, I learned the world is about giving and taking. I’m just… having a hard time seeing how much I can apply it too.”

  “And that will never be normal. You are a [Necromancer]. If you want to make what you did good with Amaril’s logic, go turn yourself in. If you think your own logic was right, and you did the best you could to minimize unneeding suffering, you were a good person. That’s all there is to it.”

  “I… don’t think it’s that simple, Noel.”

  “No, it really isn’t. You will have to make yourself alright with it. You have to accept that you are a bad person in most people’s eyes, but that’s something you’re willing to accept to be who you truly are. And that’s very hard. Most days, you’ll have to find something that makes it make sense. And for you, Ashley, I think it’s your pride. You want to do it yourself - and there’s nothing wrong with that.”

  I groaned, pushing the stew away to stare at my bloodied hands. They dripped constantly. I turned my hand around to stare at my palm.

  “I… would rather have my farm work the way I did it, then because someone helped me do it. I want to do it myself. I just want to be in control of something. What I don’t get Noel, is why don’t you turn me in. Why are you even comforting me?”

  “Oh. So now we’re having that conversation. Remember when I asked you to save my husband's life? Your own set of morality and the things that you do is what led me to trust you. I told you, I see you as a parasite - a cordyceps specifically. I…”

  “...WAIT?! Tha’ was the reason you was talkin’ to me like tha’? You thought I was evil, back then too? An’ ‘ere I trusted ya! I even sa—” I stopped again, even if my inner body was fuming. Aywin was alive now, so I couldn’t break the oath I had with my patient.

  Noel snorted and shook his head. “I was right there, you nutter. I know what you did. I wouldn’t have asked if I thought he was in any danger. You are fulfilling a necessary function to society, but you aren’t actively doing Harm. You handle a necessary function of keeping the underworld clean, and while I would prefer to deal with Adrian, your coven is a necessary compromise to accomplish my bigger goal.”

  “And then you leave.”

  “And yes, I leave.”

  “And you’ll leave me behind.”

  “Because you’re not doing anything to me.”

  I swear we had this conversation, but now, it finally made sense.

  “But I don’t want you to leave, I like having you around. I mean, if you have to go, you’ll come back and visit right?”

  Noel pushed the stew back into my hands. “We are friends, and I haven’t met a finer doctor. You keep your undead in line, and, overall, you don’t seem to want to be involved with other people unless they bother you, and then it’s usually positive. If it wasn’t for this war, you’d be a fine leader for the underworld, and I had to accept that you would do some things that I’d expect a parasite to do, but it is a necessary part of the world.”

  I continued to stare at my hands. I really only had one question. He had already answered it. “Noel, so are we friends? Do you like me?”

  Noel, for his part, rolled his eyes. “Drink your stew, kid. You’re young, and I’m sorry you have to figure out what the world wants from you when you’re still figuring yourself out. Maybe you’ll become worse in the future, or you’ll become better. Danu expects us to see the change and deal with it then. The world has to evolve and change, not remove things because it scares us. I’m a bit crazy too, you know.”

  I stared at him, pulled my hand back and slapped him. “You ain’t answerin’ my question, you hog!”

  Noel dodged me, and then pointed at the food. I slowly brought it to my lips, but the door crashed open.

  “OHMYGOSH, ASHY! OPHELIA TOLD ME WAS SICK AND YOU NEEDED LAUDANUM BUT I WAS AT HOME TAKING CARE OF MA AND TRYING TO SELL YOUR CARROTS WHICH I SOLD BY THE WAY...” Jasmine’s voice burst out, ringing in my ears already. Her feet stomped on the floorboards before her face collided with my cheek.

  I turned to look at Jasmine, and froze. My hands were still bleeding.. But everyone said it wasn’t there. I could see it. Yet, I looked at Jasmine’s smiling face.

  “Hey, Jazzy. Sorry, I haven’t come to visit. How’s your Ma? I said I’d check in on her.” My hand rose to the sky once more, and it hovered near Jasmine’s back. I could see a drop of blood drip against her dirty flock, but she didn’t move away. My arm shook, but I hesitantly placed it on her back.

  She made no comment, besides pushing herself into my cheek again.

  “She’s doing wonderful! Better than she’s been doing in years. Her body is all scarred since you never did come back to close the wounds, but we do know a doctor like ya is so busy, and we couldn’t afford to pay ya, so we’re just hoping you get the time but – Ashy –”

  My other hand rose up to stroke Jazzy’s back. It went up to the back of her head, and I pulled her head in. My forehead tapped against hers, and we just smiled. “Sorry, Jazzy. I’ll visit soon. I wasn’t feeling my best, ya hear? Tryin’ to get over it and all, but I didn’ mean to worry ya.”

  “Oh speak nothin’ of it, Ashy! That beautiful elf and Ophelia are friends now or something! They keep bickerin’ in a weird way, but I mean, no, they said they were buyin’ ya same Laudy-numb and that must mean you’re badly sick. Ma’ used to take it when the pain got bad.”

  “Did you bring the Laudanum, Jasmine?” Noel asked, as his gaze turned outside. Aywin and Ophelia were there, but they were arguing. Noel sighed.

  Jasmine nodded, and pulled out two bottles. One was a thick, brown bottle I’d often see at the apothecary, and the other was a bottle of wine. An odd thought came into my head. Now that I was a doctor, and I could grow plants..

  Could I make my own drugs? I could make my own Laudanum! Learning the recipe wouldn’t be too hard, and it would be even better yields than crops!

  Noel pushed a cup in front of me, though this one was made of copper. “It’s Elvish Wine, Cinnamon, Nutmeg, and Laudanum. You need to sleep. This stuff is dangerous, so I will keep it with me, and if you are still having trouble sleeping, you will come see me and I will make sure you're safe. It is going to taste awful, kid, but it is good for you.”

  “And don’t worry, Ashy! I’ll stay with you while you sleep.” Jasmine offered, causing me to look at her.

  “I think Ophelia would kill you. Oh! Jazzy, did I tell you that I –”

  Noel pushed the cup to my lips. “Drink first, and talk after you finish sleeping. You don’t want to say something you’d regret.”

  I pushed the cup from my lips for a moment. “I’m not! It’s Jazzy.” I turned to face her. “I kissed Ophelia! I think she swore fealty to me, so she’s my knight now. So if she starts bothering you, tell her you have my permission.”

  Jasmine’s eyes went wide, and her lips pursed open. “Ashy! You and Ophelia! I had figured you were going to murder-suicide Adrian and Melissa!”

  “Don’t be silly, I’d obviously bring him back.” I responded immediately.

  Jasmine snickered, but shook her head. “I’m going to bother Ophelia now. Though, can you marry a vampire? You are planning to get married, right Ashy?”

  “I don’t… know. No kids, Ja–”

  Noel coughed into his hand, interrupting our important conversation. “This is… fascinating, you two. But Ashley, you need to sleep. And Jasmine... I guess I’ll talk to you when she’s out.”

  Jasmine glared at Noel. “Hey! Ashley’s allowed to figure out if she loves who she loves! Stay out of this.”

  I snickered again, and pulled Jasmine in. She lost her balance, but I kissed her forehead. When I released my grip on her skull, there was no blood on her dirty hair. Just my own hands.

  I was getting better.

  I raised the copper cup to my lips, and swallowed. It tasted foul, like medicine and dry powder being masked by mulled sweet-grapes mixed with cinnamon and nutmeg. Unlike the whiskey, this burned both in my mouth and going down, and constantly tasted like pure, pure alcohol.

  I started to cough, but my eyes felt far too heavy…