PART ONE l – the Party

  Try she did. I watched a serious Little Lightning show get put on. It was nothing short of epic. The "dancing lessons" got a little obscene. She had him do schnapps shots off of her. She even giggled and knocked one over, and guided his head to lick it up. I was reminded of, well… we pyed that game slightly differently, but what the hell. They ended up in a couple of dark corners, here and there at times. She had one of those long legs wrapped around him, kissing him about as slutty as I've ever seen. Hell, at least there's something I can keep up with her at, kissing.

  She even tried taking him for a walk. He ended up back, before her. His Jungle Jim's went on, his shirt, the works. No more hot tub for him. She started running out of… options. He looked at me with a slightly pained expression on his face. He just shook his head. He actually ended up socializing with the guys, and more or less ignoring her. He expined her behavior off, yeah, she had a couple drinks. Whatever. Someone offered him that there were rooms, if he had to take care of things quick and didn't want to leave the party. He ughed that off, we all had our own rooms anyways.

  "Well? How did it go."

  "He threatened to sp me. And, I know that's not him, so… okay. I give up."

  "Are you surprised?"

  "Oh yeah. If I didn't know you, and him so well? I'd… swear he was gay."

  "Big question. Does it give you… some kind of a tingle."

  "Yeah. Its… the same tingle when he walked away from the girl who brushed up against his leg. But… more."

  "I know that tingle. I like it."

  "My god. The hell do you… do for him, that…"

  "Nothing you haven't done. Maybe one thing more and others less, but… its not the sex."

  "Hmm. He lived in a dirt hole… you're head of household…"

  "I don't think so. He lived there two years, happy as a cm. He just had to survive four years, to get his undergrad degree. Two years in. Most service guys? Aren't huge about money."

  "I just… I never saw a guy as pussy whipped as you have him. He's so far under your thumb, I can't find him. Holy shit…"

  "Light. Pussy whipped? Under my thumb? You're talking like one of those girls. And you're not. You're different."

  "What's the treat he's scared to lose? What's the big threat. I gotta know your secret."

  "The real treat? The real threat. Both the same, really. Think back, to when you were real little. There was a time? When money, meant nothing to you. You don't understand the difference between a dolr bill, and a hundred dolr bill. You might pick the five? Because the picture looked prettier than the one on the hundred. Remember then?"

  "Yeah."

  "Sex? Didn't exist. Money? Held no value. Now, candy? You understood candy. You knew toys. That age, Light. Then."

  "Okay."

  "Now, all kids just… like to py with the one kid. That? Is their favorite person. Period. You don't know white, bck, rich, poor, Catholic from Episcopalian. You understand candy, toys, and who you prefer to py with. That's about it. The rest? Comes ter. That time."

  "Yeah."

  "That? Is the big treat. I'm his favorite person to hang out with. Take away the sex, there is no money yet. He likes me, in that childish, innocent way. The way you kicked and screamed, you can't py with… whoever."

  "Hmm."

  "You getting it?"

  "I see what you mean."

  "Okay. The treat? Is me. The threat? I told him. This shit where all the guys, have an oops? Then we fight, and he's in the doghouse? But eventually, the girl's gonna take him back, and they have makeup sex."

  "Normal."

  "Not here. I won't fucking do it. That's not pussy whipped, Light. That's not… browbeat under my thumb. That's… he likes me? For me."

  "But you have to admit, you bite and scratch him, you said you moved furniture. That's in the treat, that's part of the threat of losing that."

  "Yeah. Sex is part of an adult retionship. But… he liked me? And was hanging on my every word. Before we fucked. Matter of fact? Before I dropped 'big third date' on him? I was talking about how I didn't know how long I had to wait, to be comfortable sleeping with him. He said he didn't care. He wasn't dating anyways, not like he was losing."

  She cocked her head, taking it all in.

  "And our dates didn't cost anything. Time spent being around me? Talking? Was all it took. None of your… sex talk, no show I had to put on."

  "Yeah, The girl has to py sports. We all knew that one."

  "Do you know why?"

  "Calendar girls. You told me. Some guys want porn star calendars. He's different. He has… sporty girl calendars. Some guys do. Its a thing. You act like a boy or two didn't beg me to wear my soccer uniform to his house. So I did."

  "Not like that. That's no different, than the guy that wants… pigtails. This is different."

  "How?"

  "Well. He was the show boyfriend in high school. Then? The MP's, turned him into a tough guy. When he figured out, that he was now the bad boy? That was okay, he said. It was when it dawned on him one day… there was some poor schmuck out there."

  "Oh. The show boy."

  "Yeah. Now, sports girls? Yeah, they were always his calendar girls, from when he was young, but… he thought, maybe if he found a real tomboy? We'd be different. Maybe, we wouldn't be lying, sneaking, thieving, conniving cunts."

  "Wow. He was in for a shock there…"

  "Yeah. But? He found me. I already had my eye on him."

  "When's the wedding."

  "When we're done with school. We both want grad school."

  "That was a joke."

  "You were joking. I wasn't."

  "Wow. Naming the kids, are we."

  "Figure that's after we have our degrees, and get married? It'll just… happen."

  He wasn't watching us anymore. Not like before. He put his back to us. When he went to go py ping pong, we both asked to py, he said no. It was guy ping pong, if that was okay. I said it was fine.

  She looked back at him retreating to ping pong, and back to me.

  "Wow. He doesn't like me anymore. I can tell. What's with these… nice guys. Its like they don't want you to… I feel bad. I was high as a kite for a while there. Now? I'm right back where I started. Mopey my thing fell through. And being honest? I think I'm a little lower than that now. He actually liked me there for a while, and I screwed it up."

  "He's irritated. And, he's probably more irritated with me, than you. But you too. We pyed games with him, and he doesn't like that. That's something other girls do? That I don't do. And, I just did it. I have to apologize to him."

  "Gonna give up some bum, huh…"

  "No, Light. Sex? Won't buy my way out of this one. I just burned some capital I had saved up. Proving a point to you. He doesn't know exactly what just happened. All he knows? We fucked with him, and he didn't like it. Girls py little games with their guys all the time? And sit back and ugh. Like some asshole torturing a puppy. Because they can. I… just kinda did that. I wasn't thinking."

  "I haven't even fucked him yet, and I'm already fucking your shit up. I'm telling you, I'm, like, cursed or something."

  "No. You're not cursed. Welcome to the other side of love. I just hurt him, and I feel terrible. Not because I got caught? Just because I know I hurt him. When you're really in love? If you go get some strange dick, and totally get away with it? You feel worse than if you get caught."

  "I'll be back. I did this, not you. Let me try…"

  I walked to the door. Two on two, guy ping pong. He completely ignored her. She might as well have been in a suit of armor. He didn't gre at me, but it was… indifference? Not quite. Then he shrugged, and just rolled his eyes. Went back to ping pong.

  Light came trotting out. Got a couple paper towels, and got them wet and wiped her feet to clean them, did this until she was reasonable. Dried them. Jeans and socks and her shoes. Then she went back. She stood and waited patiently. Another two vs two match was next, and his team had lost. She started trying to talk to him. He just gave her a stream of "whatever" and "yeah yeah". She started begging, and pulling on his wrist. Something like a young girl would do to an adult.

  What age is that? She's stuck emotionally, 14 tops. An adult 12, an immature 16 year old. I'm calling it at 14, for ck of anything more concrete.

  He looked at me, and shook his head. I watched as he leaned in, and got in her face. He didn't yell, that wouldn't be his way. He said something, whatever it was. She didn't like it, and he pointed at the door. When he turned around, she started that pulling at the wrist thing again. He finally strode over to me.

  "Will you put a stop to this."

  "Wizzy please…"

  "Will you stop with the Widdle Wizzy shit? I don't know what's going on. But I would be a whole lot happier? If it stopped. Just, for five minutes."

  "Wizzy… please, let me---"

  "Wiz. No more Wizzy. My name? Is Wiz. It was cute for a minute, I admit. Until someone lets me know what the hell's going on? I'm… more interested in ping pong, and hey… my turn to py a song, too. I'm more interested in that. Right this second? I'd much rather be home. On my computer, my nose buried in my manual. Cause this isn't fun anymore."

  She was a kind of little kid type of emotional. A 14 year old girl, puckering up. Trying not to cry. I'm just kind of bnk and defeated looking, my best guess what I presented as. He looked at me, at her, back and forth. Then? He did what he can do. He sighed, then exhaled.

  "All right. I'm calm. Will someone tell me what's really going on?"

  "Wizzy. Please! Let me try to expin it…"

  He was quiet.

  "Wiz."

  "Okay. Wiz? Can I expin…"

  "Gd someone's gonna say something useful."

  "I'm sorry."

  "Oh. Well. I'll just do back flips."

  "Just, wait. Look. This was my fault. Don't… if you wanna be mad? Be mad at me. Because its all my fault. Not her, please? Just… if you have to be mad, its on me. I made her."

  "What were you trying to pull a little bit ago."

  "It… I didn't believe, entirely. That… it was impossible to get you to…"

  "To what?"

  "Fool around with me. Or agree to."

  "I thought you might have figured out already? That something along those lines, might actually be possible. Well, it was."

  "I know, Wiz."

  He looked at me, he's calm. He wants an expnation. I gave him a brief overview.

  "Oh. I'm not, I don't know what. I have to pass the big test, like this is one of those retarded TV movies that dippy girls watch, and try the retarded shit they see on TV out in real life?"

  "Honey? I'm embarrassed. I did something, without thinking it through. I didn't mean to… test you, not like that. You want the truth? Light? He operates best on the truth, even when its not pretty. Anyways. Light has this thing. Dating, retionships… all based on sex. Love? Is sex to her. Its the same thing. I was expining the difference, then this whole thing happened."

  "Oh. Now I got some idea what just went on. That's better. Light, honey?"

  "Yeah…"

  "I'm… me and Hurry? We're… its hard to expin. Its, one of those work on yourself courses, a couples thing? Anyways, in the course of this, thing we're doing. I'm not allowed to tell her no, I'm not allowed to be mad at her. But? I'm not aware of any rule that says I have to be happy. And, I'm not happy right now. You two? Obviously sat back, and decided to… test me, and fuck with me… and I'm not pleased. Now… this is the sort of shit I expect from those stupid fucking romantic comedies, that dippy girls love so much. Kind of shit I expect to be in some women's magazine. I'm with Hurry? Specifically, because she's doesn't do retarded girly shit, just like this. Well, normally. Real mature, honey. Real mature. Hey, I'm the guy. I know, I'm supposed to be all immature, and drink beer and I can't say no to titties and beer… well? I'm not like that. And I'm just not… happy about this."

  "I'm the one who screwed up this time. Not you. You… risk nothing. From our, self improvement course, as you put it. Be a little mad. I deserve it."

  "Lightning? Let's get some truth out. Now, you realize that me and Hurry, we were… she thought it would be fun to py an adult game. She, shares me with her best friend. I actually got into trouble. I said no. I don't want that. I know, only guy in the world you can't just throw titties and beer at? And I yell woo hoo. Now… I agreed to something, as yet to be determined what that something might even exactly be like. But… I get final approval of… who."

  Lightning looked up.

  "Really?"

  "Yeah. Its my choice. Not hers. I mean, she has choices, but. I have to give my approval, of the girl. I… have to actually like the girl, or… no way. My personal 1 to 10 score? Doesn't go on looks. I mean, it does? Then it goes up or down, when the girl opens her mouth, and how she acts. There are some very, very smoking hot women out there? I honestly think of, as about a 2 at best. Gorgeous? But all snotty and shitty. I can't stand to be around them, I don't like having to talk to them? And the thought of sleeping with one? Makes me wanna puke."

  "And I don't make you like that?"

  "You want the truth, Light?"

  She nodded, something sweet and innocent in it, and on her face. She has daddy issues, and daddy just told her he wasn't disappointed in her. She had that little kid's hope look on her face as well.

  "Looks. Little Lightning, you are pretty much the spitting image, in many ways, of one of my… calendar girls. Yeah. I asked you out for coffee… I lost track of how many times. Figured if I was persistent, maybe you'd take a look at me. I like to look at sports girls, won't lie. I also wanted to try one? Because… not real happy with the way girls are today. Won't lie about that. That wasn't enough for me to approve of you for… that though."

  "What was it then?"

  "You were… on the 1 to 10? You were really high up, when I was asking you out for coffee. When you were there when I moved in with Hurry? You slid down the scale. One of the things, was… you were always having these scintilting conversations with Right. Kind of sounds to me? Like… Tardfoot, Tardfoot, duh! I figured you were a Human Retions major? Because like a lot of jocks, you just picked a major you thought you could pass."

  "Sorry I disappointed you."

  "Well. All of a sudden, you might think your shower show, made me like you? Don't get me wrong, I love your body. Its wonderful. All of a sudden, I did a double take. You started talking. Really talking. You sounded… intelligent. Articute. You had, deep ideas and opinions. All of a sudden, you had real substance. You were, picking things out in me? Like she does. Deep insights and shit. I realized, your mother is a piece of shit. I'm thinking you picked Human Retions? You wanted to actually know something about how people rete to one another. I think, half of what's… whatever your issue is… is one thing, and the shit our society is turning into, with men and women? Is the other half. None of it, technically your fault. Your 1 to 10 scale? Rose back up again, and… I judged the book by the cover, I had no way to know."

  "Thanks. I'm sorry I just ruined that."

  "You didn't… ruin it. The truth? If you would have went out for coffee with me. Did, what you do with guys. I'm sure its… very fun. Call it a hunch. But, wouldn't you have just moved onto the next guy, like always? I'm not a little boy. I don't sit around with a broken heart, and cry. I just move on. You'd have pyed with me. Then moved on. Right?"

  "Probably. Yeah. While we're telling the truth and all."

  "Now. Maybe you two girls, could tell me? What's going on. Other than the dippy, 12 year old girly girl game you two just pulled. Hurry? You're the adult, kinda. I expect this shit out of some of the others, but you? This was a weird one for me."

  "The test, wasn't about you. I even told her that. I was just showing her. Love is more than sex. Its… trust and other things. I kind of thought, you'd run right to me, and it wouldn't get…"

  "I chose to ignore it. I didn't want… trouble between, and this is a joke, by the way, trouble between both of my girlfriends, before I got any fun out of it. And I'm joking."

  He paused.

  "Lightning? Did I expin why I originally liked you, what made me dismiss you as a dippy girl, then how you went back up to a high number again, and that's the real reason I like you?"

  "Yeah… I'm, thank you. That's… one of the nicest things anyone ever said to me, that way."

  "Okay. We're back to… I hesitate to call it… normal. Just for ck of a better word? We'll say things are back to normal again. Someone care to clue me in, on where we're at?"

  "Lightning, wants to enjoy… she really liked her boyfriend. She likes you, she thinks you're really nice, as well as she just pin likes you like any other boy. She, likes pretending you're her boyfriend. She… wants to try to, I don't know, see what its like? To have a nice boyfriend, and… see what we're like. Because we like each other for something more than sex. She doesn't understand that. She wants to."

  "Can I have permission, to say it with all my normal glib sarcasm, just for gallows humor?"

  "Go on. You earned it. I… deserve to be in the doghouse for acting, as you say, like a dippy girl. Go ahead. No penalty."

  "The fact that there just might be more to love, in an adult retionship, than sex? Wow. What a profound fucking concept. I don't understand how she doesn't get that. She dropped the I'm a stupid blonde act earlier… she's not dumb, like she pretends to be. And if she doesn't get that? This is the gallows humor, but… how does sucking one more cock give it to her. I mean, honestly."

  I pinched my nose, then tried.

  "Go back in your mind. You are now… 12, maybe 14. What were your views on adult retionships like? Be honest. Wow! When I'm older? I get to have sex. Mommies and daddies get to bang. I mean, on some level? That's a young man's appreciation of it at that stage of development, right?"

  "Well, yeah. I grew out of that. Honestly, getting the show treatment three times, fucking cured me of the idea that adult retionships were all about sex, trust me. Well, at that point? They were so everyone else could have sex with my girl, except me. I mean, that's how it was."

  "Then in the service?"

  "Cute Latinas were discovered. Shit. Adult retionships were all about sex. Just some other poor asshole was getting fucked over, and I was now the guy fucking him. I felt like shit. I put the whole fucking thing on the back burner? Worked on me. I tried again here. Found the Hurricane. Here we are."

  "Okay. You're describing, your development, of your understanding of adult retionships happen. Can… the three of us go somewhere private, and sit down for three seconds?"

  "Yeah…"

  I led us all out a piece, where we could have a quick word.

  "Lightning. I'm gonna give it to you straight. I'm not mad about anything, far from it. Do you want me to say this privately? Or… can he be here."

  "Can I go back to calling you… Wizzy again?"

  "Of course. Come here…"

  He hugged her. A real hug. Not a cheap feel, not just excited to have his substitute calendar girl in his arms. He actually drew her in, rubbed her hair, and kissed the top of her head.

  "This is about… what you always wanna talk about… I pretty much know that. Yeah. Wizzy can hear. He's… I don't know, he seems like he would be… helpful somehow."

  "If you're sure."

  "I'm not sure of a lot of things, sis. But… I want it. He can keep a secret, right?"

  "We both can. You? Would be surprised."

  Naturally, a pause ensued.

  "So? Tell me."

  The pause wasn't ending.

  "Light. When… certain things happen to a person. There's a really common thing that almost always happens. The person who was traumatized? They freeze. I mean, they freeze emotionally. They're stuck like that, forever. Until they get help. Want me to prove it?"

  "Go on."

  "I can guess what age, whatever happened to you? How old you were."

  "How?"

  "By… guessing how old of a person you sometimes act like. I don't mean that in a bad way. So, can I guess how old you were?"

  "Sure."

  "I… see a 12 year old, I see a 16 year old. Either a mature 12 year old, or an immature 16 year old. Different people, mature at different rates, at different times. Some of its genetic, some of its environment. Lot of things py into it. But… I'm gonna ballpark my guess? You were traumatized, say… about 14."

  "Wow."

  "I'm right, ain't I?"

  "Real close. Or right on it. Yeah. I didn't exactly write the date down on the calendar and save it."

  "I understand. Does it surprise you, that I can guess like that?"

  "Yes."

  "That? Tells me, you have never, ever once. Sought any kind of counseling, treatment, not a goddamn thing. You don't even read books about it, or you'd know that."

  She looked like she was ready to cry.

  "So. Everyone does know. That something is wrong with me. Great, huh. Go figure why no decent, well adjusted nice guy, would want a 14 year old girl, all fucked up around. Well, that's just perfect, ain't it. Fuck me and my life."

  "Light? You want me to guess what happened? Bet I can."

  "Aw, man…"

  "I need your permission to guess."

  "Why not? If everyone knows how fucked up I am, now they know what it is too, even though I never told anyone. Go on then."

  "The only reason I know? Is because I've been around you. And because I take psych csses. That's it. Anyone else? Would only see that you act like a 14 year old sometimes, that's all. And there's a lot of 30 year old women out there, that act like little kids their whole damn lives. That, by itself? Isn't a big thing."

  "Go ahead. Guess."

  "I'm gonna say. Around age 14? You… were raped. Molested. Sexually exploited. Something along those lines. The way you present? It wasn't just… some stranger lurking in an alley grabbed a cute little girl. I'm gonna guess, it was someone you knew, that you trusted. That's why it hurt the way it did. You could have gotten over a random stranger attacking you. You… were betrayed. I don't know what your mother had to do with it, but, that tells me that since she was involved somehow, that once again tells me it was someone you knew and trusted."

  Textbooks and professors say, most cry now. Some go numb. She did numb. Too quiet. Vacant eyes. Stiff posture. No body nguage. Her little nervous tics I know? Vanished. They should be here with bells on.

  "Yeah. Well?"

  "Well what, honey."

  "You said… when I tell you? I get better. Is that, like… five minutes? Tomorrow. When."

  "Right now, you would become either emotionally distraught, and enter a temporary depressive state? Or. A small percentage, enter a slightly depersonalized state. Numb, more or less. You're obviously the numb kind."

  "Wonderful. How long does this st. Years? Everything's years, and my life's just burning away."

  "You're just turning 19. You work on this? By the time you graduate, you'll be… 17, 18. Emotionally. No one will know. If you start now? By the time you're done with school… you'll have filled in the gap. Think. Here, watch me talk to Wizzy."

  "Yeah honey?"

  "When you were 14, tell us how you thought about retionships. Then, by the time you were 17, 18… you knew a lot more, right?"

  "I went through this. Worlds apart. I said. At 14? An adult retionship was… essentially. Wow. I get to boink someone. They boink me. How cool is that gonna be?"

  "Then at 18…"

  "Oh. By then? Show boyfriend. My case might not be the best one to use, to demonstrate how cool its going to be, to hit 18 in terms of development. Now, I was a spastic geek when I was young. Lightning? A very popur sports star, and all the boys like staring at her butt. I'm sure being 18, will be a lot of rewarding fun for her. Not like 18 was for me."

  "I wanna ugh. That, was funny. I can't ugh."

  I came back in.

  "You're numb. It will pass."

  "Great. I'm at a party."

  "You had one drink too many. An hour from now? You'll be better. Just like someone who drank too much, as far as everyone else is concerned."

  "Could I just be stoned instead?"

  "Oh, good idea. Yeah, you could pass for someone all smoked up, easy. Its a party."

  "No. I mean, can't I just be stoned?"

  "Oh… yeah. How about no more drinking. Fluids only."

  "Sure. Right after I have a big, fat joint. I promise, I'll drink all the mixer, with cotton mouth, and piss everyone off. Scouts honor, Hurry."

  "Little bit of your humor in there. Honey? You've lived with this… thing… for five years or something like that. You won't go to complete pieces. Four years ago maybe. You know something about living with it. You'll be back to your normal self quicker than you think."

  "Great. My normal self? Is a fucked up 14 year old girl, and everyone knows something is wrong with me."

  "Not really. You bming yourself, is kind of a normal reaction. You feel like everyone's looking at you, even when they aren't. Did you understand, when I said you're stuck at the development of a 14 year old? Its perfectly natural, that you view an adult retionship, as boinking. Young girls, that don't get treated? Typically act out, sexually. They go different ways. Some? Don't want to be touched. They're cold and distant. They want to date, they don't want to have sex. Others? Run wild. Always in trouble. Some? Form seemingly normal retionships with men, but… they act weird. Some turn to drugs and alcohol. There's a whole host of behavior sets, that spring out of this, left untreated."

  "What's treatment…"

  "Main treatment? You talk about it. Told you before. We make a little schedule. We talk about it. First time? You gloss over what happened. Then, every time we talk, I'll get you to go into more and more little details. You'll have… this feeling, every time. But, it will be less and less, each time. In the end? You won't feel like this. You'll have processed it. You take a couple days off, after each session. Basically, I don't do anything. I'm just who you trust, and can talk to."

  "Then what. I'm fixed?"