I lay in the guest room Prefect Li had arranged for me. The pillow was too soft, almost aggressively so, and the carved patterns on the ceiling swayed in the candlelight until my head spun even more.
After that banquet, my ears were practically calloused from hearing “Young Master Nangong” every other breath. My elder brother smiled like a benevolent deity the whole time, yet managed to kick me under the table three times—all of them meaning: “Hurry up and think of something.”
But what was there to think of?
I rolled onto my back, staring at the ceiling, my palms cold as if I’d spent a whole night gripping iron shackles in a dungeon.
At present I had two crises.
First—retrieve the piece of purple jade I gave Lian. “Purple jade,” ha. It was actually the Seal Command Token. Lose it, and I could expect my name to occupy the empire’s wanted list forever; no matter where I went, I’d see my own wanted poster welcoming me.
Second—get Lian and the others out of prison. If they died in there, I could predict with my toes exactly how the remaining Blood Lotus Cultists would settle accounts with me. And trust me—whatever the court did to traitors, they would be far less gentle.
Both dilemmas were of the “you lose your life” variety. The only difference was whether I died with dignity or very, very miserably.
I wrapped myself tightly in the blanket as if that could shut the troubles outside. But I hadn’t even closed my eyes for half an hour before I rolled over again with a sigh.
Me, solving both disasters on my own? Don’t joke. At best I could die while trying a different posture.
The night wind slipped in through the window cracks, carrying faint traces of wine-shop aromas and the distant hum of the night market—until everything dimmed into an uncanny stillness.
Half-dazed, I muttered, “System, oh system… I know you’re useless, but at least toss me a hint…”
I laughed at myself. A good-for-nothing summoning another good-for-nothing—what a touching scene.
But the moment my words fell, my vision darkened, and a lazy voice suddenly echoed right beside my ear:
【Well, well. Took you long enough to call me.】
I nearly shot upright. “What the—didn’t you say you were idling in the background? Why’re you suddenly here?!”
【Idling in the background also depends on my mood.】
The system’s tone was obnoxiously leisurely.
【But lucky for you, you hadn’t forgotten me completely. Had I known he was coming, I wouldn’t have bothered showing up.】
I rolled my eyes. “Stop talking like you’re jealous; it’s making my teeth rot. What are you here for? Didn’t you say you can’t help with anything?”
【Not entirely true.】
The system cleared its throat.
【Because your previous actions helped Falling-Wild-Goose City solve both the Demon Yellow Dog Case and the Pig Spirit Case, you have triggered a reward stage.】
“A reward stage?” My heart skipped—then I snorted.
“Don’t tell me it’s another one of those cliché point-rewards? ‘Possibly unlock’, ‘accumulate points’, ‘stay tuned’—that crap?”
【Tsk. Your impression of me is… difficult.】
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The system actually sounded wounded.
【This time is different. Calm down—following an emergency upgrade on our side, and…】
It paused, voice meaningful.
【…and overwhelming complaints from the readers.】
I froze. “The readers are dissatisfied? With what?”
【With you, what else?】
The system huffed.
【They say this host is too useless, always being carried by others, always getting beaten, scolded, rescued; the chapters trigger, but you’ve never actually accomplished anything on your own.】
“…”
【Especially that Demon Yellow Dog case—you were basically a background NPC. The Pig Spirit case was worse; you didn’t even catch the pig. Readers said, and I quote, ‘At this point the male lead might as well serve tea.’】
The system concluded coolly:
【Thus we were forced to adjust the mechanism.】
Then it cleared its throat as though announcing some grand prize:
【The host may now claim a magic item—skipping exactly one crisis.】
I blinked. Surely my ears malfunctioned.
“You’re saying… skip a crisis? Just like that? That crude and simple?”
【Crude and simple suits your character setting.】
Ruthless.
【Between your two current crises—the purple-jade talisman and rescuing the Blood Lotus prisoners—you may choose one. The system magic item will skip it entirely.】
My stomach dropped.
“Wait…” I stared at thin air. “So if I choose the first one, I immediately get the purple jade back? And if I choose the second, Lian and the others walk free instantly?”
【Correct.】
The system sounded like it was trying to sell me cookware.
【No side effects, no brainpower needed.】
“Why does this sound like a scam…?”
【Look at your situation. What would scammers even gain from scamming you?】
…Fair point. Even scammers wouldn’t bother squeezing a dry sponge.
“…What’s the magic item?”
【The upgraded ‘Crisis Skip Card’.】
A pause.
【But choose wisely. It’s single-use. Once gone, that’s it.】
I stared at the ceiling—the carvings now looked like squirming worms crawling through my brain.
The purple jade… and Lian …
A blade from the court.
A blade from the Blood Lotus.
Both pressed to my neck.
“Can I—” I hesitated. “Skip both?”
【Sure.】
The system sounded serious.
【Pick both, and you jump straight to the finale. The book ends. Title suggestion: The Short Life of a Useless Male Lead.】
“…”
The room was quiet enough that I heard wax drip. The candle flickered, urging me to hurry.
【Host, you only get one chance.】
The system’s tone suddenly sharpened.
【Choose wrong, and the other blade may fall immediately.】
My throat tightened. My palms were soaked.
The system shrugged:
【Hurry up. You’re stalling the plot.】
I kept switching hands, muttering,
“If I can’t retrieve the token, the court will kill me; if I can’t free Lian, the Blood Lotus will kill me… What kind of choice is this?! I’ll die either way!”
【Not the same.】
A sigh.
【Save the people, and you’ll still have followers in the Jianghu. Retrieve the talisman, and you’ll have no one to shield you.】
Lian’s eyes flashed through my mind—sometimes cold as winter snow, sometimes burning so fiercely they scorched—and I clenched my teeth.
“Save them.”
【All right.】
The system actually laughed.
【Remember—you chose this.】
The moment the words landed, the dream crumpled like a ball of paper. Light twisted. Sound warped. My eyelids grew impossibly heavy—
—
I woke up.
I rolled over and nearly fell off the bed.
“Wait—wasn’t I in Prefect Li’s guest room?”
I sat up, blinking—
And froze.
Lian stood by the window with his hands behind his back, the morning sun dragging his shadow long across the floor. Hua sat at the table, munching on pastries. The Deputy Envoy was dozing against his chair. Shangguan Fengliu was seated upright, eyes closed in some serene meditation.
All four of them were spotless, refreshed—nothing like fugitives who had escaped a dungeon. They looked more like they’d come on a polite morning visit.
“…How are you all out?” I gaped.
Huaspoke around a mouthful of pastry, “No idea. Took a nap and someone let us out. Even gave us clean clothes and hot water.”
Lian slowly turned toward me, something probing in his gaze.
“What did you do?”
A shiver shot straight down my spine.
No way… Did that useless system actually hack reality for me?
The system’s voice drifted lazily through my mind:
【Magic item applied. Crisis skipped. You’re welcome.】
I hissed inwardly, “Couldn’t you have warned me it’d be this terrifying? I thought I was still dreaming!”
【Ever heard of surprise?】
The system snickered.
【And since you’re surprised, hurry up and get the jade. I won’t guarantee the next crisis comes with such generosity.】
As the system nagged, I stared at the four people before me, a strange mixture of relief and dread twisting in my chest—
Yes, the people were saved.
But the command token (aka. The purple jade) …
Somehow felt even harder to retrieve now.
