Alanna looked up sleepily, watching James get dressed in the warm light of the bedroom fireplace. The apartment was much warmer now than it had been when they walked in. She wasn’t quite sure of the time, but evening was approaching. The light outside the window was a dim, washed out gray and the soft staccato of snow hitting the window was the only sound in the room. She ran her hand over the silky velvet surface of the comforter, shining a deep midnight blue in the soft golden warmth of the bedside lamp. “Are you leaving?” She asked.

  “I have some things to take care of. Everything will be fine. Just wait here a while. Tony and Clara will be around to make sure you’re all right until I get back.”

  “Do I need babysitting?”

  James shrugged. “It can’t hurt.” He said. He was taking no chances with Alanna’s safety.

  “Is this dangerous?” She asked uncertainly. “For you?”

  “Alanna, I’m going to talk to my parents.”

  “And? Is that dangerous?”

  James opened his mouth to make a joke but stopped when he saw the look on her face. “Sweetheart, I’ll be fine.” He repeated. “They’re my parents. They may not be thrilled, but I’m not in any physical danger from them.”

  Alanna shrugged. She wasn’t an expert on parents. Suddenly self conscious, she pulled the comforter up around herself and went to get dressed. “I don’t have to wear the uniform again, do I?” She asked.

  “You never have to wear the uniform.”

  “Right.” Alanna nodded. After all, it was what she wanted, wasn’t it? She was suddenly, forcibly reminded of her unemployed status. In that moment, what she wanted most in the world, was for James to stay. But there was nothing she could do about that. And in a few more days, James would be gone. On a mission that scared him, no matter how hard he tried to hide it. Pulling clothes out of her small briefcase, she got dressed and followed James back out into the yard… to find Clara and Tony waiting for them. Clara sat cross legged by the mint patch, looking pissed. Tony sat next to her, poker face enabled.

  “Long time.” Clara noted, looking up. “Well done James, we wouldn’t want you disappointing your new fiancée.”

  “It was a long time.” Tony agreed. “I was bored.”

  James shook his head. “Ignore them.” He said. “Please, ignore them. I need a few hours to get things straightened out. I’ll be back soon.” And then, because he wanted to, he pulled her towards him, kissing her until the entire world disappeared. “I’ll be back soon.” He said, reassuring her one more time before heading towards the elevator.

  Alanna stood frozen, watching him leave. “Be careful.” Alanna called out.

  Tony cleared his throat. “Alanna. We’re hungry. And I’d guess you are, too. Stop staring after James and let’s go.”

  Alanna looked around. “All I know is that you can eat the mint.” She offered uncertainly. “And I think that might be rosemary in the back.”

  “James has a kitchen.” Clara said with a smirk. “We don’t need to resort to eating leaves.”

  “Right.” Alanna nodded. James had a kitchen. She hadn’t seen it, but presumably, it had to be there. She walked back into the apartment. The bedroom, with its unmade bed, was to her left. The bathroom was directly in front of her. By process of elimination she turned right and hoped she got it right. Clara followed, turning on the light and clearly familiar with the apartment. Alanna looked around as light flooded the kitchen. Another floor to ceiling window was on her left, with a scratched up, ancient looking wood table standing underneath, surrounded by four armchairs wrapped in warm brown leather that looked like they belonged in someone’s living room rather than a kitchen. Of course, there was no living room, so perhaps the armchairs made sense. Behind the table was a large fireplace, the light of a small fire now flickering dimly. The kitchen itself was to her right, walls of black Tundran wood cabinets with a glossy mirrored finish and poured concrete countertops. On the other end of the kitchen, the glass doors opened up to the abandoned garden beyond.

  “Sit.” Clara said shortly. “I got it.” She moved around the kitchen with easy confidence, making toast and a pot of tea and setting them out on the table. “And now” Clara announced, “I will drink the most expensive bottle of wine in the liquor cabinet. Is anyone here going to forcibly prevent me from doing that?” She glanced casually from Alanna, who looked visibly nervous, to Tony, who raised an eyebrow in her direction but made no other move to rise from his chair, nodded with some satisfaction, and went for the liquor cabinet. “Didn’t think so.” Clara muttered, slamming a glass down onto the table.

  “Are you going to share?” Tony asked mildly.

  “No. You can have whatever shit hard liquor he has in the back of the fridge. You didn’t earn this. I earned this.”

  “Um.” Alanna began, before shutting her mouth and taking a small sip of her tea.

  “What’s your problem?” Clara asked, uncorking the wine and pouring to the very top of her glass.

  “Nothing.” Alanna shook her head, moving deeper into her armchair.

  Tony studied Alanna for a moment. “I know what her problem is.” He said, bemused.

  “Do tell.” Clara said. “And then get me a second bottle. And the most expensive Tony. I’ll know.”

  “In good time, Clara.”

  “Fine. Tell us what her problem is and then get me the damn bottle.”

  “You see Clara, Alanna’s problem is that she is concerned, deeply concerned, about what her engagement is doing to you.”

  “What?” Clara asked, looking up momentarily from her glass.

  “She’s concerned, Clara, about your delicate mental state. In light of your obvious and unrequited love” Tony raised his eyebrows in Alanna’s general direction “obvious and unrequited love for one Captain James Hawk.” He continued. “Am I right, Alanna?”

  Alanna frowned, clearly uncomfortable.

  “My wha?” Clara paused. “Oh right, yes. Thank you Tony, for reminding me. My unrequited love for James is indeed, ugh, unrequited. And deep. Endless really. Endlessly unrequited and tragic. You bitch.” She added halfheartedly in Alanna’s general direction. Then she drained her glass. And poured herself another. “The second bottle, Tony.” Clara said shortly. “Bastard.” She added, when Tony brought back the second bottle and poured himself a glass.

  Alanna opened her mouth to say something and once again shut it. The world of things she was missing from this conversation appeared to be nearly endless.

  “Watching him grow up and become a man” Clara continued, getting into the spirit of things as the level of alcohol in the first bottle continued to decrease “watching him with all those women, there were a lot of women, weren’t there, Tony?”

  Tony winced, and tried to pull the second bottle of wine out of Clara’s reach.

  Lightning fast and completely unexpected, Clara brought her fist down on Tony’s wrist, fast enough to get a full hit and hard enough that the entire table nearly turned over from the force of her blow. “Don’t. Touch.” Clara said, catching the bottle with her other hand before it fell to the floor, her voice silky soft. “As I was saying, it just about broke my heart, every time. And now, engaged to some Sarayan whore.”

  “Clara, enough.” Tony said, his voice no longer amused.

  “Only you see dear Alanna, perhaps growing from the bitterness of all that unrequited love, my tastes have… evolved.” Clara’s eyes focused on Alanna, pressed up against the back of her chair. “He’s not really my type.” Clara said, lowering her voice. “You’re more my type.” She leaned forward, grabbing Alanna by her shoulders and leaning in.

  It happened lightning fast. To this day, Tony would swear he never saw it happen at all. It just was, the knife in Alanna’s hand, pressed to Clara’s throat.

  “You crazy psychotic bitch!” Clara yelled just before Tony launched himself at Alanna, knocking her knife hand aside and leaving her wrist numb from the pain.

  “Christ!” He yelled an instant later as Clara’s hands fastened around Alanna’s throat. “Clara! Let go. Let go!” He tried pulling her off but had to stop as Alanna came up with them, Clara’s hands still wrapped around her throat. That was when Tony punched Clara in the face. “Clara, stop.” He repeated, finally succeeding in pulling her off Alanna and holding on to keep her from causing any more harm.

  “Leave.” Tony said, turning to Alanna. “Just leave. Now.”

  Without another word, Alanna turned around and left, pausing only briefly to pick the knife back up on her way out.

  No longer fighting, Clara sat on the floor, crying quietly.

  Tony sat down next to her, putting his arm around her shoulders. A few minutes later, he handed her the second bottle. “Want to tell me about it?” He asked.

  Clara took a swig from the bottle, emptying it out before she smashed it down on the floor with all her strength. “I don’t know if I can live with it.” She said in a dull, quiet voice. “I’m not like you, like James. I’m not like her. I can’t do this. I can’t do it.”

  Without saying a word, Tony pulled her closer, rocking her back and forth as she cried. “It gets easier.” He lied. “Clara, it’s going to get easier. You just get through it. We’re here for you. We’ll help you.”

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  “You don’t know what we did.” She whispered. “Tony, you don’t understand what we did.”

  “You did what you had to do. It’s what we all do.”

  “Is it? Are we fighting for our survival? Or are we fighting to destroy them?”

  “Sometimes, they’re one and the same.”

  They sat together in silence, friends so old they could barely remember a time they weren’t together. “I’m glad you’re here.” Clara said with a sniffle. “Hey Tony?”

  “What?”

  “Did you rape Alanna?”

  “For fuck’s sake Clara! I never touched her.”

  “You went after her and what, she fought you off? Hell, I can take her. Even with a knife.”

  “Clara, she held back. She could slit your throat before you could disarm her. Don’t underestimate Alanna.”

  “Really?”

  “Really.”

  “And you really didn’t…”

  “I really didn’t.”

  “Huh.”

  “Come on. We have to go get her now. We’re supposed to be babysitting.”

  “Does she need babysitting?”

  “James thinks she does.”

  Clara got up with some reluctance. “Do I have to apologize?”

  “Hell yes you have to apologize.”

  “I was afraid you’d say that.” Clara said glumly, following Tony out into the hallway.

  They found Alanna sitting on top of the small bridge in the garden, staring down into the stream. She looked up as they came out. The knife was still in her hand, held somewhat stiffly. The faint traces of bruising were just becoming visible around her neck and along her wrist.

  “Shit.” Tony said with feeling.

  “We’re terrible babysitters.” Clara said.

  “Clara has something to say to you.” Tony said pointedly.

  Clara sighed. Somewhat hesitantly, she sat on the bridge next to Alanna, maintaining enough of a distance not to pose a threat. She held out her hands. “I’m sorry. I was completely out of line, and I apologize. Look, do I think this engagement is somewhat rushed and, well, insane? Sure. But I have nothing against you and I promise you, I’m not carrying any kind of a torch for James, and never have. He’s all yours.”

  Alanna narrowed her eyes slightly, studying Clara. “You only like women?” She couldn’t help asking. It was the one piece of information she felt she had a right to know.

  “Yes, just women.”

  Alanna twirled the knife in her hand, somewhat stiffly due to the damage to her wrist. “I overreacted.” The reluctance in her voice echoed Clara’s. “I apologize. I don’t like being touched.” She added.

  “Well, that might be a problem for James but I’m good with it.” Clara offered generously.

  “I don’t think it’s a problem for James.” Tony said with a slight grin.

  “Possibly not.” Clara agreed.

  Tony sat on the ground next to Clara, elbowing her lightly. “Hey, want to see something?”

  “Sure.” Clara said, smiling back. As bad as it all was, it was good to be home. Home, was worth defending. Always.

  Tony held out his hands, making a roughly rectangular shape with his fingers and holding the rectangle up in front of Alanna’s face. “See, looking at it this way, kind of a psycho.”

  Alanna frowned. The knife spun faster, in spite of the pain in her bruised wrist.

  “Bear with me.” Tony said patiently, his words clearly directed to Clara. He held his hands back up, remaking the rectangle. “Now, try it with the ‘Not Thea’ lens.”

  Clara rubbed her chin thoughtfully, looking past Tony’s hands towards Alanna. “Hmm.” She said thoughtfully. “That is a much better look for her.”

  “I know.”

  “She’s looking better and better to me now.”

  “I know.”

  “I’m starting to be grateful to Thea.” Alanna muttered.

  “You should be.” Clara agreed.

  “Yeah, probably.” Tony nodded.

  “Man’s got a type.” Clara couldn’t help adding.

  Tony started laughing. “Come on.” He held out his hand to Alanna. “Let’s see if we can find you some more food. We promise to be better babysitters. Both of us.” He shot a warning look towards Clara.

  “Yes, we promise.” Clara agreed. “But I can’t promise to stop drinking. Just know it has nothing to do with you. Or my unrequited love for James.”

  Alanna nodded, following them quietly. Looking down at the dry toast on the scratched up kitchen table, she put a hand to her stomach, which suddenly felt very empty. She wanted real food. “I want to cook.” Alanna announced, surprising herself. “Any reason why I can’t?”

  “It’s more your kitchen than ours.” Tony said. “If you want to cook, you should cook. Although I’m not sure James has much food in here.”

  “I can get groceries.” Clara offered, sober enough to realize Tony would not offer to go, and leave her alone with Alanna.

  “I can take a look at what’s here.” Alanna offered, hoping she would be able to find something. Her wrist hurt. A few minutes later, she surveyed what she managed to assemble on the kitchen counter. Sundried tomatoes, mushrooms, frozen chicken, pasta and olive oil. There was something there she could work with. She also found eggs, flour and baking soda, but no yeast. Finally, she dug out a container of buttermilk from the fridge. Sarayan buttermilk was always frozen, to kill the angerona bacteria that would otherwise breed in the milk. She hesitated only for an instant before putting it out on the counter.

  “Pancakes.” Tony said. “James uses that to make pancakes.”

  “He makes great pancakes.” Clara agreed. “I say this in a completely romantically uninterested way.”

  “Can I get a glass of wine?” Alanna asked. “I will happily take something other than the most expensive bottle in the liquor cabinet.”

  “Sure. I’ll get it.” Clara shifted, preparing to get back up from her armchair, when Tony reached out a hand to stop her.

  “What? She’s cooking. It’s only fair.”

  Tony shook his head slightly, ignoring the puzzled look Clara shot his way. “I can make you more tea.” He offered Alanna, getting up.

  Alanna turned her back on all of them, focusing on the food. She ran the chicken under water in the sink and began mixing flour, baking soda, eggs and buttermilk for soda bread. There wasn’t yeast, but that was all right. With some buttermilk, the baking soda would get the bread to rise just as well. “I’m going to get some herbs from the garden.” She said abruptly, turning around.

  “What are you doing?” Clara mouthed at Tony.

  Tony shrugged, shaking his head again while remaining stubbornly silent.

  “Am I pregnant?” Alanna asked, facing them both as she walked back into the kitchen, a seemingly random collection of green leaves in her hand.

  “Oh hell.” Tony ran his hand through his hair. “You need to talk to James about this, all right?

  “I see. Maybe in a few more days he’ll deign to tell me. If it matches the timeline for how long it took him to inform me of our engagement, who knows how long it could take?” Alanna said, her voice perfectly flat.

  Clara winced. It was hard not to sympathize with Alanna just then.

  “Alanna, it’s not that simple.” Tony tried to explain.

  “How can it not be that simple? I’m pretty sure it’s a binary condition. Either I am, or I’m not. And the Grey Serpent’s doctor did a blood test. Didn’t he, Tony? While I was passed out. And then you told James. Because you tell him everything.”

  “They have excellent communication skills.” Clara agreed.

  “And you.” Alanna snapped, her patience having truly run out. “Nice tan, by the way. You’re messed up from the mission, aren’t you? I’d guess you killed a hell of a lot of people.” She shivered, thinking of the way James had acted when he came to see her that last night before leaving. Just what was it they were doing?

  “It’s complicated.” Clara muttered.

  “I bet it’s not.” Alanna said, turning back towards the food. She added rosemary to the bread, shaping the loaf and scoring the top before placing it into the oven. And then she put her hand on her stomach. She couldn’t help it. She should have been on birth control. It was mandated for any female serving in the Sarayan navy. And she vaguely recalled that she missed her appointment. She had a physics test to study for. It shouldn’t have mattered. She had no plans to… Alanna sighed. As usual, the whole mess was her own fault. She rubbed the half defrosted chicken with olive oil and salt and added the sundried tomatoes and mushrooms before putting it into the oven and turning on the water to boil for pasta. It wasn’t going to be the world’s fanciest meal. And it would have gone well with wine. Ignoring the somewhat uncomfortable silence, she sat back down at the table. “I don’t really need babysitting.” She offered. “You can both go.”

  “She says right after putting the food in the oven.” Clara observed. “Tell her.” She added suddenly, turning to Tony.

  “Clara.” Tony began.

  “Tell her. If she’s pregnant she should bloody well know about it.”

  “I’m telling you it’s…”

  “How can it be complicated? Alanna is right Tony, it is binary.”

  “It’s not, actually.” Tony said under his breath.

  “Oh.” Clara looked away as understanding dawned.

  “What ‘oh’?” Alanna asked with annoyance.

  Clara shrugged. “It means you’re probably going to miscarry. Right, Tony?”

  “You need to go home, Clara.” Tony said. “Now.”

  “It’s complicated because the test is inconclusive. And that means you’re likely to miscarry. I’m sorry.” Clara nodded to Alanna, ignoring the look Tony shot her way. “She deserves to know.” Clara continued, turning back to Tony. “And neither you nor James should have kept it from her.”

  “How do you even know…”

  “I’m still a girl, Tony. I know things.”

  “Was the test inconclusive?” Alanna asked, turning to Tony.

  “Yes.” Tony admitted.

  “There’s juice.” Clara offered, getting up. “I know where he keeps it. You can have that.” Without another word, she poured and offered Alanna a glass of red berry juice.

  “James didn’t want you to worry about it.” Tony offered, watching her carefully.

  James is an idiot, Alanna thought, but chose not to say it out loud. She took another, bigger gulp of the juice. “I’m going to want more of this.”

  Clara grinned, looking smug as she left out the entire bottle. Alanna was malnourished to the point of starvation. If the baby was to have any chance of survival, she would need to eat.

  “Poker?” Tony offered. “I know where the cards are.”

  “The babysitting continues.” Alanna said drily.

  “I’m too drunk.” Clara shook her head.

  “What would you like to do Clara, play Go Fish?” Tony asked, annoyed.

  “Yes.”

  Tony looked over at Alanna. “You know it?”

  “Yes, from my time spent actually babysitting.” Alanna said. “It’s a complex game but I will endeavor to keep up.”

  “Someone trusted you with kids?” Clara asked, eyes wide.

  “It was an orphanage Clara, their options were limited.” Alanna said as she got up to drain the pasta, turning the chicken and tossing the pasta on top.

  “It smells good.” Clara said more cheerfully.

  “Yeah, you could use the food.” Tony said sharply, watching Clara slump over slightly in her chair. She had polished off one and a half bottles of wine so far, and the night was yet young.

  “Aces.” Clara announced, looking over at Alanna and ignoring Tony.

  Alanna silently handed her an ace, before turning to Tony. “Again, I do not need…”

  “James says you need babysitting.” Tony said flatly.

  “Eights.” Clara said firmly.

  “Go fish.”

  “How long until the food is ready?” Tony asked.

  “At least ten more minutes.” Somewhat self-consciously, Alanna put a hand on her stomach. She was hungry.

  “Will you really forgive James whatever he does?” Clara asked, somewhat abruptly. “Whatever he does on Saraya? Even if it’s… bad?”

  “Clara.” Tony growled, beyond exasperated. If it wasn’t for James’s instructions to babysit, he would have bodily hauled Clara into a car and sent her home a long time ago.

  “I think that’s the idea, Clara.” Alanna responded. “I’m not under the mistaken impression that he’s tanning and heading out to Saraya to make friends.”

  “James says we’re the slightly better guys.”

  “We are the slightly better guys.” Tony said sharply.

  “You… we are.” Alanna agreed.

  “So no one thinks we’re the good guys?” Clara asked.

  Tony and Alanna exchanged a glance. “The good guys are all dead.” Alanna said flatly. “They’re not going to survive this.”

  Tony nodded in silent agreement.

  “A race to the bottom?” Clara asked. “Does it at least bother you? Either of you? What you’ve done?”

  “Is this about the head?” Alanna asked. “Because honestly, I’m fine with it.”

  “It’s not about the damn head! I get it Alanna, he had it coming. What about the people that didn’t? There was a Sarayan.” She paused, her eyes distant. “He was trying to help us. He was trying to help everyone. We didn’t kill him, but we nearly did. And maybe someday we still will. He was a good person! How do you live with it if you killed a good person? If you might have?”

  “You atone.” Alanna said, looking over at Clara. “I don’t know how, but you find a way. Clara, you’re going to be a cop someday, aren’t you? A good one. And you” she turned to Tony “you’re going to be a doctor. We do what we have to do to protect our people, and when it’s over, we try to be better. It’s what you do.”

  They sat quietly for a long moment. “Jacks.” Clara said into the silence, turning to Alanna.

  “Go fish.” Alanna answered.

  “That.” Clara said, turning back to Tony. “You should have said that. That made me feel better.”

  “Go fish?” Tony asked, raising an eyebrow.

  “I will try.” Clara said, turning back to Alanna. “I don’t know how, but I’ll try. I’ll try to make up for what I’ve done. What we’ve done.”

  “I will, too.” Alanna said quietly.

  “I want dinner.” Tony said.

  They all looked up at the sound of the doorbell.