“Five Minute News with Charlie Pulcher”
KCNBC Radio Transcript
October 12, 1951
INTRO - WILCOX (0:15)
[MUSIC CUE: Five Minute News jingle]
I’m Ted Wilcox, and this program is brought to you by the Cloud Nine Corporation—America’s number-one thaumaturgical provider. Remember, folks, from ancient alchemical elixirs to the latest in magi-tech innovation, you’re doin’ fine with Cloud Nine!
PULCHER (0:25)
[MUSIC CUE: Heroic bed] [SFX CUE: Marching]
UN troops, led by the U.S. 2nd Marine Division and the 72nd Armored, continue to slug it out with the entrenched commie forces on Heartbreak Ridge. Armed with alchemical stimulants and dug into bunkers fortified by Chinese wards, the Reds vow to fight to the last man, forcing our GIs to scrape and claw for every inch. Today marks nearly a month of relentless combat north of the 38th parallel, prompting the million-dollar question: When will it end?
PULCHER (0:25)
[SFX CUE: Airplane flyby]
The battle isn’t confined to the ground. The skies erupted in a red-hot clash today when twenty-five Korean MIGs engaged twenty of our own Excalibur-class fighters in a high-stakes dogfight. Thanks to superior American magi-tech, the Reds were left licking their wounds. With three jets downed and six more damaged, our flyers came through unscathed. Way to give ’em hell, boys!
PULCHER (0:25)
A lone enemy bomber slipped through the Air Force’s sky blockade outside Seoul. Fortunately, newly installed power turrets zapped the bird before it could drop its deadly payload. The incident has folks wondering: Are the Communists gearing up to throw a major air punch at the United Nations? Only time will tell.
PULCHER:
I’ll be right back after this message from the Cloud Nine Corporation.
COMMERCIAL BREAK (1:00)
CLOUD NINE SPOKESPERSON:
Greetings, friends!
This is your Cloud Nine family representative with a deal that’s sure to knock your socks off. At the Cloud Nine Corporation, we have a long-standing tradition of bringing magic to the masses, given to us by our founders, the Nine themselves.
Stolen novel; please report.
It’s why we’re the world’s number-one thaumaturgical provider.
You may have heard Cloud Nine is turning eighty this year. To celebrate our big eight-oh, I’m excited to announce the Eighty Cent Sale!
Flip open the latest editions of The Saturday Evening Post, Life, Look, Collier’s, and The Farm Journal to find all the details. Starting October 19, you can snag 199 guaranteed Cloud Nine products—two for the price of one, plus 80 cents. And that’s not all! We’ve got forty-nine luxury items priced so low, you’d swear we conjured them! Be sure to check out this bargain-filled ad in The Saturday Evening Post, Life, Look, Collier’s, and The Farm Journal.
And remember, you’re doin’ fine with Cloud Nine!
PULCHER (0:50)
[MUSIC CUE: Somber bed]
It’s been forty-five years since President Theodore Roosevelt signed the controversial Magical Citizens Bill, granting all Mythics—humanoid or not—the right to apply for citizenship with proof of two generations of American heritage. Yet the debate rages on.
[SFX CUE: Arguing crowd walla] [SFX CUE: Gavel strike]
Senator Joseph McCarthy has been banging the drum against Mythic rights, insisting that the rapid influx of magical people threatens national security. The senator stated Commie spies are cozying up to the Mythics to sabotage our country’s infrastructure while funneling secrets to their Red handlers, and is calling for both Congress and the Truman administration to empower the FBI to probe any Mythic deemed a potential threat. Meanwhile, Senator Margaret Chase Smith of Maine cautions that such scaremongering and witch hunts harm not just American Mythics, but all Americans.
PULCHER (0:15)
[SFX CUE: Interior crowd walla]
The Federal Bureau of Narcotics has issued a report on the recent surge in illegal trafficking of the alchemical compound known as “Bliss.” The report stated that one in twenty Americans has sampled the drug. As local authorities scramble to stem this crime wave, the burning question remains: Where did this mysterious hallucinogen come from?
PULCHER (0:25)
It’s every parent’s worst nightmare come true. The Jonathan Franklin ransom case suffered a major setback today. With a blood sample from the scene, the FBI’s lead investigator, Agent Jordan Crane, finally located Johnny’s nanny, Esmerelda Fernandez, who’d been missing since the night of the abduction. Miss Fernandez’s remains were discovered in the stomach of a great white shark lurking in San Francisco Bay, leaving Hoover’s G-men’s next move murky at best.
PULCHER (0:30)
[MUSIC CUE: Big band celebration bed]
October 1951 is shaping up to be a banner month for San Francisco. The city will host two major events: the NATO peace treaty signings—formally ending the war in the Pacific—and the first-ever Carnaval de Oto?o, a week-long celebration culminating in a citywide Halloween extravaganza. A brief kerfuffle arose when delays in the treaty threatened to disrupt the festivities, but thanks to the concerted efforts of city officials and local business owners—led by millionaire philanthropist Hugh Lichten—the festival will proceed as planned.
PULCHER (0:15)
[MUSIC CUE: Happy Birthday]
Finally, today marks the eightieth anniversary of the Great Revelation—the day the Nine shared the gift of magic with the world. From Washington to Moscow and everywhere in between, cities across the globe honor the men who, in an act of unprecedented selflessness, distributed their incredible discoveries and changed the globe forever.
I’m Charlie Pulcher, and that’s the news.
OUTRO - WILCOX (0:10)
[MUSIC CUE: Five Minute News jingle]
Charlie Pulcher was brought to you by the Cloud Nine Corporation. Remember, folks: you’re doin’ fine when you choose Cloud Nine. I’m Ted Wilcox, and you’re listening to KCNBC—the station that brings you Amos ’n’ Andy and The Jack Benny Program. Now ride out with us to the Badlands with The Lone Ranger!
Shout Out:
