The strangest thing was that the area didn’t have a sky, but a white drop ceiling with a huge blacklights hanging from it. The blubs gave everything a funky fluorescent glow. It appeared to be a fleshwood forest, filled with bushy black hair bushes. Many of the bushes bore nuts and berries and Pucas ran up to them and started filling his mouth.

  "I wonder if this is the basement of the Blecch Pyramid," Mono asked.

  "The Blecch Pyramid?" said Zanghi, arching an eyebrow.

  "I saw the tip of it sticking out of the ground the other day. Titiana told me this is a place of darkness and death. And that no one who ever enters the pyramid of Blecch ever returns."

  "Well, we’ll have to be the first," said Zanghi. "I propose we venture forward and see if we can find a method of moving upstairs. Perhaps we have to reach the above-ground part of the pyramid to exit."

  After Pucas threw up again they set off on their trek in search of a way up. For days our friends continued on through the black light forest inside the Blecch Pyramid. Soon the days became weeks. Fortunately there were plenty of nut-and-berry-bearing bushes and several fried cockadoodoo wing trees. Eventually they reached a delightful valley that was shaped like the hollow of a great athletic supporter, and soft and pretty dark blue hills at the ends. It was all laid out into lovely hairy lawns and purple, pink, and blue bladderwort gardens, with kidney stone paths leading through them and groves of beautiful and stately throbbing fleshtrees dotting the landscape here and there. There were horse apple orchards, too, and fields of scab scrapple trees. Brooks of yellow, cloudy liquid flowed foamily between thorny skunkweed-strewn banks, while scattered over the valley were dozens of the quaintest and most picturesque teepees and chateus our travelers had ever beheld. None of them were in clusters, such as provinces or villages, but each had ample grounds of its own, with orchards and gardens surrounding it.

  As the new arrivals gazed upon this exquisite scene they were enraptured by its beauties and the fragrance that permeated the soft air. It smelled like almonds, and gave Mono a coppery taste in her mouth. Several minutes were consumed in silent admiration and from their elevated position they could overlook the entire valley. Not a single moving object could they see. All appeared deserted.

  The mountains were made of a dead skinstone similar to granite. With some difficulty and danger Crassgass drew the half-a-bug over the loose rocks until he reached the lawns below, where the paths and orchards and gardens began. The nearest chateau was still some distance away. The emaciated- though surprisingly mighty- jackass stopped to rest.

  "Isn't this fine?" cried Montana, in a joyous voice, as she sprang out of the half-a-bug and let Vira run frolicking over the hairgrass.

  "Yes, indeed!" answered Zanghi, following her. "If we’re stranded, we couldn't find a prettier place to do it in.."

  "Not bad," said Pucas, also disembarking.

  Zanghi took the greasy pink platypus foetuses from his backpack and let them run on the ground, and Crassgass tasted a mouthful of the greasy hair and declared he was very contented in his new surroundings.

  "Can’t float," called Pucas, who had tried it and failed; but the others were satisfied to walk on the ground. They heard the sudden twittering of a dickcissel, but could not find the creature anywhere. Slowly they walked along the path toward the nearest chateau, the nine tiny platypuses and Vira racing and gamboling beside them and Crassgass pausing at every step for another mouthful of hairgrass. The gassy jackass loved his grass repast.

  Presently they came to a low plant which had broad, spreading leaves, in the center of which grew a single fruit about as large as a jackpeach. The fruit was so daintily colored and so fragrant, and looked so appetizing and delicious that Montana stopped and exclaimed:

  "What is it, do you suppose?"

  The platypus foetuses had smelled the fruit quickly, and before the girl could reach out her hand to pluck it every one of the nine tiny platypuses had rushed in and commenced to devour it with great eagerness.

  "It's good, anyway," said Zanghi, "or those little rascals wouldn't have gobbled it up so greedily."

  "But where are they?" asked Montana, in astonishment.

  They all looked around, but the platypuses had disappeared.

  "Dear me!" cried Zanghi; "they must have run away. But I didn't see them go; did you?"

  "No!" replied Pucas and Montana, together.

  "Here, platypus, platypus, platypus!" called their master, anxiously.

  Several squeals and grunts were instantly heard at Zanghi’s feet. He stooped down and put out his hand, and at once felt the small chubby moist body of one of his pets. He picked it up, but could not see what he held.

  "It is very strange," said he, soberly. "The foetuses have become invisible, in some curious manner."

  "I'll bet it's because they ate that fruit!" cried Montana. "I only hope it wasn't toxic."

  "We mustn't eat them," Zanghi warned the youngsters, "or we too may become invisible, and lose each other. If we come across another of the strange fruit we must avoid it."

  Calling the platypuses to him he picked them all up, one by one, and put them in their fez, then stashed the hat away in his backpack.

  The travelers now resumed their walk toward the nearest chateau, which they presently reached. It was a pretty place, with thin gammon-colored veiny vines growing thickly over the broad front porch. The door stood open and a table was set in the front room, with four chairs drawn up to it. On the table were plates, knives and forks, and dishes of breaded alien feces, iguana tongues, and goiters. The tongues were smoking hot and the knives and forks were performing strange antics and jumping here and there in quite a puzzling way. But not a single person appeared to be in the room.

  "Is it ghosts?" asked Montana (holding Vira), who with Pucas and Zanghi now stood in the doorway.

  A peal of merry laughter answered her, and the knives and forks fell to the plates with a clatter. One of the chairs pushed back from the table, and this was so astonishing and mysterious that little Pucas was almost tempted to run away in fright.

  "Here are strangers, mama!" cried the shrill and childish voice of some unseen person.

  "So I see, my dear," answered another voice, soft and womanly.

  "What do you want?" demanded a third voice, in a stern, gruff accent.

  "Well, well!" said Zanghi; "are there really people in this room?"

  "Of course," replied the man's voice.

  "And- pardon me for the foolish question- but, are you all invisible?"

  "Surely," the woman answered, repeating her low, rippling laughter. "Are you surprised that you are unable to see the people of Merde?"

  "Why, yes," stammered Zanghi. "All the people I have ever met before were very plain to see."

  "Where do you come from, then?" asked the woman, in a curious tone.

  "We belong upon the face of the planet," explained Zanghi, "but recently we entered cracks and landed in the quite unpleasant Prodeuce Province."

  "Dreadful dork-butts!" exclaimed the woman's voice. "I've heard of them."

  "They forced us into this pyramid," continued Zanghi; "but we found there was a tunnel, so we came here. Then we got lost for several weeks. But it is a beautiful place. What do you call it?"

  "It is the Valley of Merde, as I previously inferred."

  "Thank you. We have seen no humanoids, yokai, robots, or aliens since we arrived, so we came to this chateau to inquire our way."

  "Are you hungry?" asked the woman's voice.

  "Always," said Pucas.

  "I could eat," said Montana.

  "But we do not wish to intrude, I assure you," Zanghi hastened to say.

  "That's all right," returned the man's voice, more pleasantly than before. "You are welcome to what we have."

  As he spoke the voice came so near to Pucas that he jumped back in alarm. Two childish voices laughed merrily at this action, and Montana was sure they were in no danger among such light-hearted folks, even if those folks couldn't be seen.

  This story is posted elsewhere by the author. Help them out by reading the authentic version.

  "What curious animal is that which is eating the grass on my lawn?" inquired the man's voice.

  "That's Crassgass," said the girl. "He's a jackass."

  "A gassy jackass," added Pucas.

  "The gassiest jackass," said Zanghi.

  "What is he good for?" was the next question.

  "Although he appears decrepit he is in fact quite strong, and draws the half-a-bug you see fastened to him. We ride in that carriage instead of walking," she explained.

  "Can he fight?" asked the man's voice.

  "His hooves pack a whallop," Zanghi replied.

  "Then maybe the meatidongs won’t get him," said one of the children's voices.

  "Meatidongs!" exclaimed Montana. "Are there meatidongs here?"

  "That is the one evil of our country," answered the invisible man. "Many large and fierce meatidongs roam in the Valley of Merde, and when they can catch any of us they eat us up; but as they cannot see us, we seldom get caught."

  "Are the meatidongs invisible, too?" asked the girl.

  "Yes; for they eat of the n?kym?t?n, as we all do, and that keeps them from being seen by any eye, whether human or animal."

  "Does the n?kym?t?n grow on a low bush, and look something like a jackpeach?" asked Zanghi.

  "Yes," was the reply.

  "If it makes you invisible, why do you eat it?" Mono inquired.

  "For two reasons, my dear," the woman's voice answered. "The n?kym?t?n is the most delicious thing that grows, and when it makes us invisible the meatidongs cannot find us to eat us up. But now, good wanderers, your luncheon is on the table, so please sit down and eat as much as you like."

  The strangers took their seats at the table willingly enough, for they were all hungry and the platters were now heaped with good things to eat. In front of each place was a plate bearing one of the delicious n?kym?t?n, and the perfume that rose from these was so enticing and sweet that they were sorely tempted to eat of them and become invisible.

  But Mono satisfied her hunger with other things, and her companions did likewise, resisting the temptation.

  "Why do you not eat the n?kym?t?ns?" asked the woman's voice.

  "We don't want to get invisible," answered the portly tween.

  "But if you remain visible the meatidongs will see you and devour you," said a girlish young voice, that belonged to one of the children. "We who live here much prefer to be invisible; for we can still hug and lick one another, and are quite safe from the meatidongs."

  Before Momo could ask about the licking, just then Elvira Daisy Shingles bounded in, for she had been until now wandering outside with Crassgass; and when the fuzzy antennaed creature saw the table set with food she cried out:

  "Yip yip yip yip yip!"

  The puppy-dog-shaped yokai sprang upon a chair and put her paws upon the tablecloth to see what there was to eat. To her surprise an unseen hand clutched her by the scruff and held her suspended in the air. Vira was frantic with terror, and wriggled wildly, so the next moment she was dropped to the floor.

  "BAWK!" bawked Vira. Montana picked her up.

  "There are people living in this chateau, Vira, although we cannot see them," said Mono. "And you must have better manners."

  She placed a plate of food upon the floor and Vira slurped it up greedily.

  "Can you tell us, sir or ma'am," said Zanghi, addressing the air because he did not quite know where the unseen people stood, "if there is any way we can get to the surface of Sifillis again?"

  "No one from Merde has ever reached the surface of Sifillis. We live out our lives here, in the bottom of the Blecch Pyramid. However: If you head west and cross our valley there is a stream. Follow the stream to the large waterfall that falls up," said the invisible man, "that will take you to the next level of the pyramid. But I warn you: our greatest warrior, Putain, once tried to get to the waterfall but before he could get there a meatidong caught him and ate him up."

  "If he was invisible, and the meatidongs invisible," said Montana, "who knows that they really ate him up?"

  "He had killed eleven meatidongs previously," returned the unseen man; "and we know this is true because when any creature is dead the invisible charm of the n?kym?t?n wears off, and the corpse can be plainly seen by all eyes. When Putain killed a meatidong everyone could see it; and when the meatidongs killed Putain we all saw several pieces of him scattered about."

  The wanderers were rather discouraged by this report, but Mono said with a sigh: "If the only way to get home is to face those creatures, then we've got to face 'em."

  They now bade farewell to the kind but unseen people of the chateau, climbed back into the half-a-bug, and followed the course of a broad yellow stream and passed several pretty tepees and wigwams and chalets and a very cool used book store; but of course they saw no one, nor did any one speak to them.

  About noon they stopped. A little ways away they could see the river which must be the one that leads to the waterfall that falls up. Before following it they decided to take a break in the shade of a pretty wurst orchard. They all plucked sausages and sat down to eat. From out of the air a soft voice suddenly said to them:

  "There are meatidongs near by. Be careful."

  Our friends sprang to their feet. Zanghi got out his scimitar at once. Montana picked up Vira. Pucas climbed into the unhitched half-a-bug and curled up in the fetal position. Crassgass was pooping.

  The owner of the unseen voice laughed lightly and said to Pucas:

  "You cannot escape the meatidongs that way."

  "How can we escape?" asked Montana, nervously, for an unseen danger is always the hardest to face.

  "You must take to the stream," was the reply. "The meatidongs will not venture upon the liquid."

  "Stream? It’s more like a raging river!" exclaimed the portly tween. "We would be drowned!"

  "Oh, there is no need of drowning," said the voice, which from its gentle tones seemed to belong to a young girl or a ferret. "You are strangers in the Valley of Merde, and do not seem to know our ways; so I will try to save you."

  The next moment a brown pile of non-alien feces was jerked from the ground where it sat and held suspended in the air before Montana. Montana stepped back in disgust.

  "My dear," said the voice, "you must rub this dung upon the soles of all your feet, and then you will be able to walk upon the liquid without sinking below the surface. It is a secret the meatidongs do not know, and we people of Merde usually walk upon the liquid when we travel, and so escape our enemies."

  "Thank you!" cried Montana, and at once rubbed some of the non-alien feces upon the soles of Pucas and Zanghi’s sneakers and then upon her own. The girl took poop and rubbed it upon Vira's paws, and then she carefully rubbed it upon all four of Crassgass' hoofs and then upon the two tires of the half-a-bug. She had nearly finished this last task when a low growling was suddenly heard and Crassgass cried out as he felt invisible claws grab his butt. The jackass began to jump around and kick viciously.

  "Quick! To the liquid, or you are lost!" cried their unseen friend.

  "Run for the river!" shouted Zanghi, and Crassgass quickly freed himself from his unseen tormentors with a few vicious kicks. Montana and Pucas pushed the half-a-bug into the liquid. As soon as Crassgass trotted out upon the surface of the stream, followed by Vira, they found themselves safe from pursuit.

  Zanghi had held back to make sure the children got to the river safely, but when he turned to follow them he felt a hot breath against his cheek and heard a low, fierce growl. At once he began stabbing at the air with his scimitar, and he knew that he had struck some substance because when he drew back the blade it was dripping with green blood that glowed under the black lights. The third time that he thrust out the weapon there was a loud SQUELCH and a roar and a THUMP, and suddenly at his feet appeared the form of a great red meatidong, which was nearly as big as the jackass and much stronger and fiercer. The beast was quite dead from the sword thrusts, and after a shivering glance at its terrible claws and sharp teeth the silver-haired humanoid turned and rushed out upon the liquid, for other menacing growls told him more meatidongs were near.

  On the stream, however, the adventurers seemed to be perfectly safe. The half-a-bug had floated slowly down stream with the current of the liquid, and the others made haste to join her.

  "I think we'd better stick to the stream, after this," said Mono. "If our unknown friend hadn't warned us, and told us to use the poop, we would all be dead by this time."

  "That is true," agreed Zanghi, "and as the stream seems to be flowing in the direction of the waterfall it will be the easiest way for us to travel."

  Zanghi hitched Crassgass to the half-a-bug again. He and Montana and Pucas climbed in and the jackass trotted along and with Vira at his heels. Once a little humuhumunukunukuapua fish swam too near the surface, and Vira grabbed it in her mouth and ate it up as quick as a wink; but Montana cautioned her to be careful what she ate, and no more fishes were careless enough to swim within reach.

  After a journey of a few hours they saw the waterfall, and when they reached it they simply continued flowing and went straight up, Crassgass and the half-a-bug riding vertically in defiance of gravity. There was a gaping black hole in the drop ceiling, and soon they had passed into it. Our friends were soon consumed by darkness. Mono flicked on her flashlight and they could see they were moving upwards toward a tiny hole. The hole wasn’t really tiny, of course, it was just far, far away. As the hours passed the hole got closer and closer and closer and bigger and bigger and bigger and our friends began to panic as the liquid rushed faster and faster.

  Soon they popped out of hole and sailed into the air. Montana, Zanghi, Pucas, and Vira were thrown from the half-a-bug carriage, which slammed to the ground on its side with a terrible crash, pulling Crassgass down with it. The rest of the party landed in soft hairgrass- where they rolled over several times before they stopped.

  Everyone got up and brushed detritus off their outfits. Then they rushed to aide Crassgass, getting the jackass and its carriage turned upright.

  After their wits and bearings had been regained the travelers looked around at their surroundings. They were standing on a nicely paved road with pleasant greenish-yellow hairgrass growing on the pink ground on either side. Unlike the previous floor this level was lit by a white sun that hung suspended 500 feet up in a sky made completely of blueish-grey clouds.

  They were standing near a fine big arch spanning the road, and when they came nearer they found that the arch was beautifully carved out of dead maroon fleshwood and decorated with rich colors. A row of peafowl with spread tails ran along the top of it, and all the feathers were gorgeously painted. In the center was a large squidwarf's head, and the squidwarf wore a shrewd and knowing expression and had large thick framed spectacles over its eyes and a small bronze crown with shiny points on top of its head.

  While the travelers were looking with curiosity at this beautiful arch there suddenly marched out of it a company of soldiers. They were squidwarfs- diminutive yokai with the bodies of dwarfs and the heads of squids. Each orangish-pink head ended in four thick tentacles that looked more like cow teats. They all wore ratty loincloths and nothing else, their greasy stomachs shining in the sun. Each soldier was armed with a fleshwood kendo stick having an edge of sharp teeth set in a row, and the sight of these teeth at first caused Montana to shudder.

  One of the fatter squidwarfs seemed to be in charge- his bare shoulders featured gold braided epaulets stapled to them to make him grander than the others.

  Almost before our friends realized it the squat soldiers had surrounded them on all sides, and the kommandant was calling out in a harsh voice:

  "Surrender! I am Kommandant Vesicle of the Squidwarf Wharf Royal Army and you are our prisoners!"