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Chapter 8: Guillotine

  The walk was silent.

  Darrel had only been thinking about one thing the entire time. What his reaction would be when he finally saw Lockwood again. After all these years. He had wanted to go back, to remember it properly, but he had always imagined doing that with them.

  Raphael.

  Uriel.

  Michael.

  Gabriel.

  Them.

  He had thought about it a million times already. He didn't need to think about it again. But really, what had his life come to.

  He was a wave in an ocean that would not calm.

  He thought about the gun. He could, if he wanted to. One pull and it would end everything he hated at this specific moment, here on this road with no one around for miles to witness it or stop it. No one to perform surviving for.

  But no.

  He was afraid to die. But he was also afraid to live. He didn't want to lose anything else. But what did he have left to lose besides the life he wasn't sure he wanted to keep.

  He kept walking.

  He smelled it before he saw it.

  Not smoke anymore. The smoke had been years ago. What remained was the specific smell of things that had burned completely and then sat in open air long enough to become something else. Ash and wet stone and old wood and underneath all of it something without a name. The smell of a place that used to be full of people and wasn't anymore.

  He stopped at the edge of what had been the road into town.

  The ruins stretched out in front of him. The crumbling shapes of houses he had known his entire life, reduced to outlines, to suggestions of themselves. Walls standing at half height. Roofs long collapsed inward. The geometry of a life he had lived here visible only in what the fire had decided to leave behind. The town square was still recognizable. Barely. The stone foundation. The shape of the market stalls. The place where the well had been.

  And standing at the center of it was the Governor.

  Not moving. Not looking at the ruins. Looking at Darrel. Like he had been standing there for hours and had expected him to arrive at precisely this moment and found the timing acceptable.

  Darrel moved toward him.

  The closer he got the louder the ringing in his ears became. Low and persistent. The specific frequency of a body registering something the mind hadn't finished processing yet. He didn't decide to reach for the gun. His hand was just there. And then the gun was up.

  The Governor looked down the barrel the way a man looked at weather.

  "Pull the trigger."

  Darrel's hand shook.

  "That's what you want isn't it. To kill me." The Governor's voice was even. "I don't blame you in the slightest."

  A drop of sweat ran down Darrel's temple despite the cold. The Governor reached into his coat, produced his own Colt, and without ceremony emptied every bullet from the cylinder into his palm. He looked at them for a moment. Then dropped them into the ash at his feet like they were nothing.

  He threw the empty gun to Darrel.

  It landed at his feet.

  "But what will that bring you." He didn't wait for an answer. "It will bring you nothing. Because that's all you are. All you have."

  Darrel said nothing.

  "You know it yourself. You are a broken, lonely, and empty man. You can tell yourself every day that I made you worse. But you have been like this since the day all of this happened."

  He gestured at the ruins around them.

  "Since the day this town burned you have been broken. But you tried to hide it. Through friendship and through burden. Through motion. Through giving yourself people to protect so you could pretend the thing driving you was love and not grief."

  He paused.

  "But it was always grief. It has only ever been grief, we are alike in that way".

  Darrel tightened his grip.

  "Don't."

  "Don't what." Governor Asked

  "Don't tell me we're alike. You don't know anything about me."

  The Governor looked at him for a long moment. Then he did something Darrel hadn't seen him do before.

  He sat down.

  Not in a chair. There were no chairs. He sat on the foundation stone of what had been the well at the center of the square, unhurried, settling his coat around him like a man sitting down to something he had been waiting to say for a long time. He looked at the ruins the way Darrel had been looking at them since he arrived. Like someone reading something.

  "I grew up in a town not entirely unlike this one."

  Darrel said nothing.

  "Smaller. Poorer. The kind of place where the people in charge operated entirely on whim. Not malice. Whim. Which is somehow worse." He looked at the stones between his feet. "Malice has a logic to it. You can map it, predict it, build a wall against it if you're careful enough. Whim is just weather. You wake up and the man with power over your family is in a good mood and everything is fine. You wake up the next morning and he isn't. No reason. No pattern. Just the arbitrary distribution of suffering by someone who never once had to think about the consequences of his moods."

  He was quiet for a moment.

  Darrel's gun lowered one degree without him deciding to lower it.

  "I was nine years old the first time I understood what powerlessness actually was. Not the word. The feeling of it. That specific moment when something is happening and you are present for it and there is nothing, not a single thing, you can do to change the outcome."

  He picked up a small stone from the ground and turned it in his fingers.

  "My mother. She had done nothing wrong in her entire life. She was the most careful person I had ever known, careful in the way people become careful when they have learned that carelessness has costs they cannot afford. And it didn't matter. None of it mattered. Because the man with the power that day was in a particular mood. And careful didn't factor into his mood."

  He set the stone down.

  "She was beheaded. Via guillotine. Quick and merciless."

  He said it the same way he said everything else. The same flat register. Like it had happened to someone he had read about rather than someone he had watched.

  "That was my Lockwood, Mister Roanshaw."

  The words landed in the ash between them and stayed there.

  "The difference between you and me is not what happened to us. It is what we decided afterward. You decided to grieve. To carry it. To let it walk beside you every day and call it love for the people you lost. I decided something else."

  He stood up.

  Darrel's finger moved to the trigger.

  "I decided it would never happen again. Not to me. Not to anyone inside whatever I could build and hold. I decided that if the world was going to operate on power then I would become the power. I would be the one whose mood set the weather. And I would use every ounce of it to make sure that what happened to my mother could never happen here."

  He looked directly at Darrel and took one step.

  "Five billion people. I know the number. I have never lost count of it, not once. And I would do it again. I would do it a hundred times again. Because the alternative is the world that produced that morning."

  He gestured at Lockwood.

  "The world that produced this."

  He paused.

  "You think I am the devil of your story. Maybe I am. But I am the devil who made sure ten billion other people got to live their lives without knowing what you and I know. Without having a Lockwood."

  Darrel's arm was still raised. The gun still pointed.

  But his hand had stopped shaking.

  He didn't know when it happened. Somewhere in the middle of the Governor's story the trembling had gone still. He couldn't tell if that meant he was calmer or if he had passed through calm entirely and come out somewhere else on the other side of it. Somewhere without a name.

  "You don't get to use her to justify what you are."

  "I'm not justifying anything. I'm explaining. There's a difference."

  "There isn't. Not from where I'm standing."

  "Then shoot me."

  Darrel's jaw tightened.

  "Go ahead. Both guns are in your hands. I'm standing still. If this is where your story ends then end it here. Put me in the ground in the town you came from and walk away."

  One more step.

  "But you won't."

  "Don't tell me what I will and won't do."

  "You won't because somewhere underneath all of that grief you already know that killing me doesn't answer anything. The question you actually came here to ask isn't about me at all."

  He was close now. Ten feet.

  "What destroyed this town, Darrel. That's the question. That's the only question you have ever actually had. And I am the only person alive who is close enough to that answer to be worth keeping."

  Darrel said nothing.

  The Governor looked at him with something that wasn't warmth and wasn't contempt. Something that lived in the difficult space between the two and was harder to dismiss than either.

  Then he moved.

  The knife came from nowhere.

  Not drawn. Not produced. Simply there, and it crossed the distance before Darrel's eyes could finish registering that the Governor's hand had moved. The blade opened a clean line from just below his left eye to the edge of his jaw. The pain arrived half a second after, sharp and total.

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  Darrel dove left on pure instinct.

  "WHAT ARE YOU—"

  The Governor was already there.

  The second hit drove through his chest before he could set his feet, deep and immediate, the kind of impact that takes the breath and holds it hostage. Then the Governor's fist connected with the side of his head and the world tilted hard and he was airborne and then the stone wall of a ruined building arrived against his back and everything that had been upright was not anymore.

  He hit the ground coughing. Something warm and copper in his mouth.

  The Governor walked toward him at the same pace he walked everywhere.

  "Stop holding it in."

  Darrel pushed himself up onto one hand. The Governor's boot found his ribs before he got further than that and he skidded across the ash and stone, rolling, trying to find distance, trying to locate something he could use.

  He got to his feet.

  The Governor swung again.

  This time Darrel's hands came up. He caught the forearm on both wrists, deflecting just enough that the blow glanced instead of landed. He felt the force of it even deflected. He threw his own punch back.

  The Governor caught it without looking.

  Held it.

  Let Darrel feel the complete absence of give.

  Then threw him.

  Darrel went sideways through what remained of a collapsed wall and landed in the rubble on the other side with stone dust rising around him in a quiet cloud.

  He lay there.

  The ringing in his ears had become something total. Not sound anymore but the replacement of it, filling the space where everything else should have been.

  He heard the Governor's footsteps and pushed himself upright before the man arrived.

  Something materialized in the Governor's hand.

  A blade. Large. A guillotine blade on a length of rope, pulled from the air itself, the edge of it catching the thin light of the ruins and returning it in cold pieces. The Governor held the rope loosely and let the blade drag along the ground as he walked. The sound it made against the stone was the sound of something that had done this before and expected to keep doing it.

  "You and your morality." He dragged it closer. "You know exactly what you feel. You are just too afraid to come to terms with it."

  He stopped.

  "You are angry, Darrel. I can see it in you. You are so angry. You want to tear apart whatever destroyed this town the same way it tore apart your baby sister."

  Everything stopped.

  The ringing stopped.

  Darrel went completely still in the rubble.

  "How do you know that."

  The Governor said nothing.

  Darrel came out from cover and charged.

  The Governor swung the blade in a wide arc on the rope, the guillotine cutting a path across the entire approach. Darrel dropped into a slide, the blade passing inches above him, close enough that he felt the displaced air against his face. His hands found the rope as he came through and grabbed it.

  The Governor pulled.

  Darrel came with it.

  The velocity built immediately, his feet leaving the ground, the rope swinging him in a wide orbit around the Governor's axis. He let it build. Let it reach the top of its arc. At the peak, when the speed was at its fullest, he released and drove his fist toward the Governor's chest.

  It connected.

  The Governor didn't move.

  Not a step. Not a shift. He absorbed it the way stone absorbed rain and his hand came back and hit Darrel across the face so hard the world went white at the edges.

  Then his hand closed around Darrel's throat.

  Lifted.

  Darrel hung in the air above the ruins of his own town. The ash of Lockwood below him in every direction. The Governor's grip the only thing between him and it.

  The Governor looked up at him with that expression. Reading something he had already read.

  "Show me I was right about you, SHOW ME I WAS RIGHT"

  He threw him into the ground.

  The impact drove everything out of Darrel's body simultaneously. He lay face down in the ash of the town square, unable to move, the pain arriving from so many directions that his body had stopped trying to sort them and registered only the total sum of it.

  The Governor crouched over him and the blows came in measured and deliberate. Not the rhythm of someone trying to kill. The rhythm of someone trying to reach something. To find the thing underneath. To crack through to it.

  "Come on, Darrel. COME ON"

  Darrel couldn't move.

  He couldn't feel his arms. The ringing was everything now. Wall to wall. No room for anything else inside it.

  And then beneath the ringing, beneath the pain, beneath all of it—

  A sound.

  Small. Clear.

  The chirping of a blue jay.

  He didn't see it. He couldn't lift his head. But he heard it the way certain sounds were always heard through everything else. The way his mother's voice had always carried across a crowded room without trying. The native bird of Lockwood. Every Saturday morning of his entire childhood he had gotten up before anyone else in the house just to be at the window when they started. Just to be in the morning with them.

  He began to cry.

  Not a decision. Just something that happened because there was nothing left to hold it back.

  He thought about his mother. The specific weight of her arms. The way she held on a second longer than she needed to.

  He thought about his father's laugh. Too loud for whatever was happening. Belonging to a man who found more things funny than he probably should have.

  He thought about his baby sister. The way she had grabbed his finger with her whole hand when she was new and he had understood for the first time in his life that he would do absolutely anything for another person. He had been twelve years old and the understanding had been complete.

  He thought about the thing in the clouds above the burning town.

  That smile.

  Looking down at all of it in satisfaction.

  Something moved.

  Not in his body. Below his body. Below the pain and the exhaustion and the years of carrying it carefully like something fragile, treating it like something that would consume him if he let it breathe. Something below all of that shifted the way deep things shifted, slow and total, and what came through him was not grief.

  It was older than grief.

  It was what grief became when it had nowhere to go for long enough.

  Darrel's hand found the ground.

  He pushed.

  The Governor's next blow came down and Darrel wasn't there. He rolled, found his feet, rose from the ash of the town square standing. His face was covered in blood and ash. The tears had cut clean lines through both.

  He looked at the Governor.

  The Governor stopped.

  He looked at Darrel's hands.

  They were shaking again. But differently from before. Before they had shaken with fear. Now they shook the way a wire shook when the current running through it exceeded what it was built to carry.

  Darrel threw the punch.

  It left his hand and the air around it changed. The ash on the ground between them scattered outward from its path in a widening ring, the atmosphere pressing aside, the sound it made not the sound of a fist moving through air but of something being displaced that hadn't expected to be. Like shattering glass drawn into a single sustained note.

  It traveled the distance.

  It landed on the Governor's face.

  The Governor went backward. Forty five feet through the cold air of the ruins, over the remains of the market stalls, landing in the ash and sliding further until a stone wall stopped him. The impact sent a crack running up through whatever remained of the structure and the top of it crumbled down on either side of him in a cloud of dust.

  Silence.

  The ash settled.

  Darrel stood in the center of the town square breathing. His hands had stopped shaking. His whole body had stopped shaking. He felt emptied out in a way that was different from exhaustion. Lighter. Like something that had been living in him since the night Lockwood burned had finally, after everything, found a door.

  The Governor stood up.

  His jaw sat at a slight angle that it hadn't sat at before. He was bleeding. He looked across the ruins at Darrel with both hands at his sides.

  And he smiled.

  Not the wide one. Not the performance of it. Something small and private. The smile of a man who has been waiting for a specific thing to happen for a very long time and has just watched it happen exactly as he expected.

  He raised one hand and touched his jaw.

  The bone moved. Settled. Fixed itself.

  He released the blade and rope and they came apart in the air, dissolving into particles of light and dust that drifted down into the ash and were gone.

  He walked back across the square toward Darrel at the same pace he walked everywhere.

  He crouched beside him and placed one hand on his back.

  The warmth came immediately. Moving through Darrel's body from the point of contact outward, cuts sealing, ribs resetting, the deep bruising receding. He felt it happen. He hated that he felt it happen. He couldn't stop it from happening.

  He sat up.

  They looked at each other.

  "There you are."

  He let the words sit in the ash between them.

  "You are more than what you lost. What you just did, that was Will. That is what it feels like when it moves through you without anything in the way. Most people spend years trying to produce that and never get there. You did it because I made you angry enough that the trying got out of the way and what you actually are came through."

  He looked at Darrel the way he had looked at him since the very beginning.

  "You are not a broken man. Broken implies something that no longer functions. You function. You function at a level I have not seen walk through my gates in thirty years of looking for it."

  He raised one hand palm up.

  From the air above it, slowly, constructed from yellow light and something that smelled faintly like parchment, a document materialized. Folded. The agency seal pressed into the top in dark wax. He held it out between them.

  "You, Darrel Roanshaw, are to work under me as a weapon. In return, after my vision is fulfilled, you will be granted the answers you deserve. A full accounting of what happened to this town and every person in it."

  He paused.

  "And the option, should you choose it, to die right here. In Lockwood. On your own terms. With everything answered and nothing left undone."

  Darrel looked at the document.

  Then at the Governor.

  "I am not asking you to forgive what I've done. I'm not asking you to become something you're not. I'm asking you to be exactly what you are."

  He held it out the last inch.

  The ash settled around them.

  The ruins of Lockwood held their silence the way they had been holding it for years. Patient and total and waiting, the way places waited when the people who belonged to them were gone and couldn't decide whether to come back.

  Darrel looked at the document for a long time.

  He looked at the ruins.

  He thought about Raphael. About Uriel. About Michael. About Gabriel. About his mother's arms and his father's laugh and Saturday mornings and birds that only sounded that way here and nowhere else.

  He thought about his baby sister.

  He thought about the thing in the clouds.

  That smile.

  He took the document.

  He didn't sign it. Not yet. He just held it in both hands and felt the weight of it, which was not the weight of paper.

  The Governor said nothing. He had nothing left to say. He had known since Vultury, since the dead city, since the moment he had stood over a boy lying in the rain with a grenade, that this was always where it was going. He had just needed Darrel to walk the distance himself.

  He stood and moved toward the edge of the ruins without looking back.

  "Be at the gates by morning."

  His footsteps faded into the dark and then they were gone.

  Darrel lay back in the ash of the town square.

  The sky above Lockwood was the same sky it had always been. Indifferent and vast, lit by things so far away they couldn't know this place existed and wouldn't have cared if they did.

  The document in one hand.

  The gun in the other.

  The ruins of everything he had ever loved arranged around him in every direction like a question he still didn't have all the pieces of.

  A blue jay landed on the foundation stone of the well.

  Small. Bright against the ash. It looked at him with the unconcerned attention of a thing that had not been told to be afraid of him and therefore wasn't.

  It flew east.

  He watched it until it was gone.

  Then he folded the document and put it in his pocket.

  And lay there for a while longer.

  Because he wasn't ready to leave yet. And for the first time in a long time there was no one waiting on him to be anywhere. No mission. No Governor. No gates. Just Lockwood. Just the silence of it. Just the ash that had been his home and the sky that had always been above it and the specific quality of the air here that he had never been able to describe to anyone who hadn't grown up breathing it.

  He let himself be in it.

  Just for a little while.

  Just for as long as he needed.

  All he could hear now for some odd reason

  Was glass.

  Breaking.

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