Inside of his swank brown log chateau the blueish-silver molybdenum man Cydroidobot- Robotic Emperor of Mukus Quadrant- reclined in his lush zebrahog-leather recliner. Beside him, on the right, in a matching black recliner, sat his smallish black-and-orange plastic son. At times they spoke to one another of curious things they had seen and strange adventures they had known. But most times they were silent, for these things had been talked over many times between them, and they passed the time watching feature film motion pictures on their 100-inch T.V. set. They found themselves contented in merely being together, speaking now and then an observation or joke related to whatever videotape was currently playing.

  Meanwhile, as the brilliant peach-shaped sun sank low over Mukus Quadrant- tinting the rough brown logs of the chateau with glorious pink and purple sunset hues- a decrepit old butler standing at the entrance saw Soda Olheiser the Fortunate, Chunks the Chunks Golem, and Dr. Lubricious Slugg approaching on foot. Well, two were on foot and one was on... whatever the bottom half of a slug is called.

  The travelers passed Cydroidobot’s aureolin yellow fleshwood fountains spurting yellow pudding-like goo, and beds of thorny skunkweed spotted with a technicolor yawn’s worth of colors- Cydroidobot’s prized flowers. There were fragrant humped and nonhumped bladderworts, corpse flowers, moundblossoms, pussy willows, mungspring clusters, poppies, poopies, and sticky willies. The visitors paused often so Dr. Slugg could marvel at their beauty. He had never been to Cydroidobot’s chateau before, having just left his home in Yooryn Village on Mount Bottom for the first time a month ago.

  On the sides of the pathway leading up to the large front doors of the log chateau were blonde roachberry-bearing hairbushes and rows of wooden chainsaw sculptures, very cleverly executed by the robotic emperor, representing such notable Sifillis Celebrities as Titiana the Flatulenz Fairy Princess Tremorroid of Bonertania, her super best friend Montana Shingles the Vice-Tremorroid, and their antennaed puppy-dog-shaped yokai pal Elvira Daisy Shingles. Also present were life-sized wooden approximations of Jodo the Royal Flackfizer, the Ratsack Golem, Rumplemuss the Dirty Wanderer, Nate Goiterhead, Gashmouth the Chainsaw Raccoon, Bruce the Retiring Ocelot, Jo the Prolific Rhinoceros, Edwige Kenchington the Chic Chigger, Cockadoody the Cocky Cockfightin’ Cockadoodoo, Agents Orange and Fissure, and B.M Foulfinger- Dean of Foulfinger University- all standing upon neat pedestals of stainless molybdenum. As they passed Dr. Slugg noted that B.M. Foulfinger was the most handsome finger he had ever seen.

  “Hi, Baryshnikov,” said Soda, finally arriving at the front doors of the chateau. “This is our new friend, Dr. Slugg.” Dr. Slugg- who really wasn’t a doctor- and Baryshnikov- who really was a butler- bowed to each other.

  "Is Cydroidobot home?" asked Chunks. Chunks was a being comprised of different colored and textured chunks of dozens of humanoids and yokai, fastened together with golden staples and stitches of thick black twine. She had been brought to life by the Chimpanzee Alchemist and the Puffy Beaver and was currently living with Soda at the Schmahoning II Drive-In Theater.

  "Cydroidobot, the Robotic Emperor of the Mukuses, who is the famous molybdenum man of Bonertania?" coughed the butler, who had been trained to treat all strangers with courtesy.

  “Yeah, that’s the one,” said Soda, a paper-white-colored, black-haired tween from Schling Quadrant, while adjusting her thick eyeglasses.

  “Yes, he’s home.” Baryshnikov cleared his throat and spit a loogie on the ground.

  “Good one, my good man!” exclaimed Dr. Slugg. He himself gurgled up some phlegm and spit on top of Baryshnikov’s loogie.

  "May we see Cy?" asked Chunks.

  "If it pleases you to wait a moment, I will go and ask him," said Baryshnikov, and then he went into the chateau’s home theater where the robotic emperor sat with his son. Both robots loved kung-fu movies and were watching one made in Plotz Quadrant called “Strike of the Death Fin” which featured an all-thalidomide baby cast. Cydroidobot found that as he got older he preferred the cruder, rougher-around-the-edges independent films made outside of Schmegma City. His son didn’t care where his movies came from or what the budget was, as long as they had more action than dialog. Both were glad to learn that friends had arrived at the log chateau, and the butler was asked to admit Soda, Chunks, and the giant, be-armed slug at once.

  The trio were waiting in the foyer. Dr. Slugg was quite impressed as he examined the many framed theatrical one-sheets and autographed movie star headshots. Also on the walls hung several portraits, painted by the emperor himself, including Tremorroid Titiana, Vice-Tremorroid Montana, Flackfizer Jodo, an exceptionally detailed painting of the Ratsack Golem, and Empress Nobgoblin (the Royal Thaumaturge and ruler of Quirk Quadrant).

  Baryshnikov the Butler collected them and led them under stately wooden archways and through the many large rooms. Soon they reached the emperor’s handsome home theater.

  "Soda! Chunks!” said Cydroidobot in his accustomed cheerful manner as he muted the kung-fu movie. He and his son jumped up from their recliners to exchange hugs with Soda and Chunks.

  “S’up, Emperor?” asked Chunks.

  “Not much is s’up, Chunks,” replied the molybdenum man.

  “Hi Soda!” said Cydroidobot’s son. “S’up?”

  “Not much is S’up,” answered Soda.

  “Who is this large moist fellow?” Cydroidobot asked, pointing at the enormous gastropod.

  “This is our new friend Dr. Lubricious Slugg,” explained Soda.

  “Pleased to meet you,” said the robotic emperor.

  “Greetings and salutations, my good bot,” said Dr. Slugg while they shook hands. Lubricious Slugg was once a garden-variety garden slug before being dropped in a thaumaturgic puddle of gunge that increased his size and I.Q. Also, it made him grow arms.

  “We’re taking Lubey on a trip to show him more of Bonertania,” said Soda, and she told Cydroidobot of their most recent adventure: Transporting a box of enchanted sardines from Spew Spew Forest to the Funkakt compound in Underton, which was only a few miles from Cydroidobot’s home.

  "I suppose," said Cydroidobot, "that in this time you have seen so much that you have become very wise."

  “I guess,” said Soda.

  "Not me," replied Chunks, thoughtfully, "I’m still stupid. The more I wander the less I find that I know, for in Bonertania much wisdom and many things may be learned."

  "To learn is simple. Don't you ask questions?" inquired Dr. Slugg

  "Yes; we ask as many questions as we dare; but most yokai and humanoids and robots refuse to answer questions.” replied Chunks.

  "That is not kind of them," said Cydroidobot. "If one does not ask for information he seldom receives it; so I, for my part, make it a rule to answer any question that is asked me."

  "So do I," added Chunks, nodding.

  “Me too,” added Cydroidobot’s son.

  “I will from now on,” said Soda. Then Dr. Slugg said:

  “Speaking of questions, may I ask you for something to eat?”

  “Ugga magugga!" cried the Robotic Emperor of the Mukuses; "how careless of me not to remember that wanderers are usually hungry. I will have food brought you at once."

  Saying this he tugged one of his nipples, which opened a compartment on his torso. He pressed one of the red buttons within. At the summons a chalky yellow handmaiden appeared wearing a flamboyant dress and a tall hat made of fruits and berries. Emperor Cydroidobot ordered some food for the slug and tween, and in a few minutes the handmaiden brought in two molybdenum T.V. trays heaped with pickled alien feces smothered in fresh iguana gravy, juicy jackpeaches, and sizzling fudgenuts.

  "Eat, friends," said the molybdenum man cordially, "and I trust the feast will be to your liking." Soda and Lubricious sat down on a comfy couch, pulled the T.V. trays forward and dug in. Chunks and Cydroidobot and his son didn’t require food so they just sat with the chow-downers in companionship. Cy unmuted the kung-fu movie and Soda and Dr. Slugg ate in silence for a time, but after her appetite was somewhat satisfied, Soda asked:

  This narrative has been purloined without the author's approval. Report any appearances on Amazon.

  “Cydroidobot, would you tell us how you came to be made of metal?" Cydroidobot was the only metal being in Bonertania, all other robots- like his son- were made of plastic, usually the fine plastic manufactured right there in the factory district of Mukus Quadrant.

  "That," replied the molybdenum man, muting the movie again, "is a long story."

  "The longer the better," said Dr. Slugg, wiping off his mouth with his light-blue handkerchief. "Won't you please us?"

  “Da Meat Tree told us you mutilated yourself with a chainsaw.” said Soda

  "That’s not the whole tale," Cydroidobot said. He cleared his metal throat with a tinny buzz. "In the beginning I was a humanoid of meat and bone named Michael A. Creamer. I was an artist by trade. I worked in a variety of mediums and had just gotten into the lucrative world of chainsaw sculpturing. In fact, one of my earliest works was the raccoon-shaped bench that was brought to life and now calls themselves Gashmouth.”

  “Wow,” said Chunks. “It’s funny how we never heard that before.”

  “Indeed. Anyway, everything was swell until I fell in love with a beautiful Schlingian girl who lived not far away."

  "What was the Schlingian girl's name?" asked Soda.

  "Big Fat Fanny. This girl, so fair that the sunsets blushed when their rays fell upon her, lived with a powerful, nefarious hoo-hoo named Hepatitissa. Big Fat Fanny was obliged to work from morning till night for the stinky old hoo-hoo, scrubbing her toilet and cooking her meals and washing her dishes and collecting buckets of alien feces. She had to cut fleshwood for the fire, too, until I found her one day in the forest and fell in love with her. After that, I always brought plenty of firewood to Fanny and we became very friendly. Finally I asked her to marry me, and she agreed to do so, but the stinky old Hepa happened to overhear our conversation and it made her very angry, for she did not wish her servant to be taken away from her. Hepatitissa commanded me never to come near Big Fat Fanny again, but I told her I was my own master and would do as I pleased, not realizing that this was a careless way to speak to such a powerful being.

  "The next day, as I was crafting a sculpture of a horned platypus in the Mungtree Forest, the kruddy old hoo-hoo enchanted my chainsaw, so that it slipped and cut off my right leg."

  "Yikes stripes!" cried Soda.

  "Yes, it was a seeming misfortune," agreed the molybdenum man, "But I would not allow the dorky old hoo-hoo to conquer me so easily. I knew a very skillful botsmith named Crazy Rolf. He was a wonderful craftsman. He could make anything out of plastic and sometimes molybdenum (when he could get it) and his spazmotronical technology was second to none. So I hopped on one leg to him and asked him to help me. He soon crafted a cyborg leg out of molybdenum and fastened it cleverly to my meat body.

  "When I returned to Fanny, the girl was delighted and threw her arms around my neck and kissed me, declaring she was proud of me. The stinky old hoo-hoo saw the kiss and was more angry than before. When I went to work on my sculpture the next day, my chainsaw, being still enchanted, slipped and cut off my other leg. Again I hopped- on my molybdenum leg- to my friend the botsmith, who kindly made me another spazmotronic leg and fastened it to my body. So I returned joyfully to Big Fat Fanny, who was much pleased with my shiny legs and promised that when we were wed she would always keep them oiled and polished. But the rancid old hoo-hoo was more furious than ever, and the next time I raised my chainsaw to test it out, it twisted around and cut off one of my arms. The botsmith made me a cybornetic molybdenum arm and I was not much worried, because Big Fat Fanny declared she still loved me."

  The Robotic Emperor of the Mukuses paused in his story to reach for a yellow-and-black oil can, with which he carefully oiled his armpits.

  “I’ll take a hit off that,” said Cydroidobot’s son. Cydroidobot handed him the can and his son oiled his orange groin.

  Chunks watched this oiling process with much curiosity. Soda begged her molybdenum friend to go on with his tale. Dr. Slugg farted.

  "Hepatitissa hated me for having defied her," resumed the robotic emperor, "and she insisted that Big Fat Fanny should never marry me. Therefore she made the enchanted chainsaw cut off my other arm, and Rolf also replaced that member with spazmotronic molybdenum, including these finely-jointed fingers that you see me using. But, alas! after that, the chainsaw, still enchanted by the cruel hoo-hoo, cut my body in two, so that I fell to the ground. Then the stinky old hoo-hoo, who was watching from a near-by thrushberry bush, rushed up and seized the chainsaw and chopped my torso into several small pieces, after which, thinking that at last she had destroyed me, she ran away laughing in nefarious glee.

  "But Big Fat Fanny found me. She picked up my chunks and made a bundle of them and carried them to Crazy Rolf, who set to work and made me a fine spazmotronic trunk of pure molybdenum. When he had joined the arms and legs to the body, and set my head on the flexible neck, I was a much better man than ever, for my body could not ache or pain me, and I was so beautiful and bright that I had no need of clothing. I always found clothing to be a nuisance”.

  Cydroidobot continued. "Big Fat Fanny still declared she would marry me, as she still loved me in spite of the hoo-hoo's evil deeds. The girl said I would make the brightest husband in all the world, which was quite true. However, the jerkface old hoo-hoo was not yet defeated. When I returned to my work the enchanted chainsaw slipped and sliced my head in half, which was the only meat part of me then remaining. Moreover, the old crone grabbed up my severed head halves and carried them away with her and hid them. But Fanny came into the forest and found me wandering around helplessly, because I could not see where to go, and she led me to my friend Rolf. The faithful fellow at once set to work to make me a spazmotronic head. I considered the new molybdenum head far superior to the meat one- I am wearing it yet, so you can see its grace of outline and beautiful meld of form and function- and the Schlingian girl agreed with me that a man all made of molybdenum was perfect. The botsmith was as proud of his workmanship as I was, and for three whole days, all admired me and praised my beauty.

  "Being now completely formed of molybdenum, I had no more fear of the cretinous old hoo-hoo, for she was powerless to injure me with my chainsaw. Big Fat Fanny said we must be married at once, for then she could come to my wigwam and live with me and keep me bright and sparkling.

  "'I am sure, my dear Mike,' she said- this was before I started going by Cydroidobot- ‘I am sure, my dear Mike, ‘that you will make the best molybdenum husband any girl could have. I shall not be obliged to cook for you, for now you do not eat. When we go to a dance, you will not get weary before the rock stops and say you want to go home. You’ll be invincible in mosh pits. I shall take pride in being the wife of the only live molybdenum man in all of Bonertania!'"

  "I think she was a very nice girl," said Soda, while farting deep into the couch cushion.

  “So did you marry her or not?" asked Chunks.

  "No," answered Cy, "I did not. I accompanied Mono, Vira, and Ratsack to Schmegma City, and I’m ashamed to say that once I discovered how beautiful the humanoids and yokai and robots and aliens were there I forgot all about that Schlingian girl I promised to marry.”

  "Forgive my frankness, new friend, but t’was unkind of you to desert the lady who loved you, and who had been faithful and true to you when you were in trouble,” opined Dr. Slugg. Soda added:

  “You could have gone back home and made Fanny your wife, and then brought her here to be an empress and live in your splendid log chateau."

  Cydroidobot was so taken aback at this expurgation that for a time he did nothing but stare hard at the tween and stare hard at the slugman. Chunks wagged her stitched-and-stapled head and said in a sing-songy voice:

  "Piddily-Cum-a-Zerd, you were a real turd."

  Then Cydroidobot stared hard at his friend Chunks. Then he stared hard at the cat clock on the wall, whose eyes and tails clicked back and forth.

  But finally he said in a serious tone of voice:

  "I must admit that never before have I thought of such a thing as finding Big Fat Fanny and making her empress of Mukusquad. But it is surely not too late, even now, to do this, for the girl must still be living in Schlingquad. And, since you have reminded me of Big Fat Fanny, I believe it is my duty to set out and find her. Surely it is not the girl's fault that I no longer love her, and so, if I can make her happy, it is proper that I should do so, and in this way reward her for her faithfulness.”

  "Quite right!" agreed Dr. Slugg.

  "And will you take us along?" pleaded Soda in an eager voice.

  "To be sure," said Cydroidobot, "It was you who first told me it was my doody, er, duty to find and marry Big Fat Fanny, and I'd like you to know that Cydroidobot, the molybdenum emperor of Mukusquad, is a robot who never shirks his duty, once it is pointed out to him."

  "Our pleasure" said Soda, well pleased with the idea of a new adventure. She turned to Dr. Slugg. “Are you going to joins us, Lubey?” He answered:

  “I don’t see why not! We’re on a wandering jag, why not wander with this fine imperial android?”

  “I’ll stay here,” said Cydroidobot’s son. “I’ve got, like, twenty-nine kung fu movies I want to watch this week.

  "Piddily-Cum-a-fart, when shall we start?" inquired Chunks in a sing-songy voice.

  "Tomorrow morning," answered Cydroidobot. "I'll call my crew at once and order them to make preparations for our sojourn. Soda and Doctor, be sure to get a good night’s sleep! Chunks, you’re invited to an all night arm-cracking, skull-shattering kung-fu and nerve-wrenching, blood-curdling horror marathon.”

  If she had the ability to fart Chunks would’ve gleefully farted in delight.