Dream Journal

  There was nothing.

  I was there.

  There was a pond. There were ripples on the pond. I was on the pond.

  No, it was a wave. There was a wave, and I was on top of it. I rode the wave. And it was a great wave. A tidal wave. As tall as the sky. The wave crashed down.

  I felt the earth shake.

  My feet were on solid ground.

  Something was coming.

  I was running. I had to get away. Right now! Something grabbed my ankle, and I fell. My arm struck the ground, and someone was on top of me, grabbing at my coat. I struck out with my arms—

  I gasped awake. Just a dream. It was just a dream. I was in my room in the monastery, and I was safe.

  Breathe, Ryst. You’re safe. I started to tap my fingers under my eyes as I had done on the starliner. Softly… tapping. Why was this happening? Why was I panicking?

  It’s okay, Ryst, you’ve got this. You’re safe in the monastery. I kept tapping, telling myself I was safe now. And I realized that I was.

  I'd been practicing Tindin with Denten every day and going to his house for dinner every couple of weeks. Sitting amongst people during meals. Not having long discussions, but just being around people. And it was safe.

  I had a home. I was doing well.

  I shifted out of panic mode and into curious researcher mode. So, what was happening to me? Why was I having nightmares again? Was my brain wanting to spit out more of the trauma?

  A case of content theft: this narrative is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.

  My heart sped up. I wasn’t sure I wanted to explore that, but what was I going to do? Hide away from it again? Try to push it away?

  Why did it have to be like this? I was having so many amazing experiences. Seeing colorful lights, feeling vast as the desert, mysterious mirkas taking me to even more mysterious strangers who gave me messages. Going on a quest to a monastery. Finding out I was Talented, not crazy.

  I thought over everything I’d experienced since coming to Shurwinn, and it was amazing. Why wasn’t the world full of these wondrous things? Why was it so much fear, and anxiety, and hurt, and pain instead of beauty and light?

  My thoughts took a darker turn, so I kept tapping and let them.

  Why did Darwin want to kill me? What was wrong with him? How did he get to be that way? He'd had everything. Intelligence. Success. Notoriety.

  He was a gifted cybernetics surgeon. Why wasn’t that enough for him? How does a person throw all of that away in seconds?

  If I were Darwin, what would I have been thinking? What motivates someone to do something like that? Or was he not thinking? Was he just reacting?

  He wanted something. Sex. I said “no.” He didn’t like it.

  What was it Neal had said? “A man like that doesn’t like hearing the word ‘no.’”

  But why? What’s wrong with someone saying “no” to you? Did he see it as a rejection? Was it so deeply affronting that he just couldn’t handle it?

  I felt like I was onto something; a lightbulb was coming on, so I followed that train of thought.

  To him, was it like I was telling him he was unworthy? Was he really that insecure? He needed constant affirmation of his greatness? That I couldn’t ever tell him “no” because it reminded him that he’s really just a small, insignificant man?

  Stars above, was he even more insecure than me?

  What a bombshell. I’d never thought of him that way before, but I realized it was true. All of that exterior arrogance was just a show. Trying to convince himself that he was important.

  I wasn't sure how I knew that, but it felt like the truest thought I’d ever had. Somewhere inside him, Darwin had felt small and insignificant, and I'd reminded him of that.

  He didn’t want to feel that way, so he'd tried to squash all reminders of it. End the reason he'd felt small: me.

  Woah. I dropped my hands to my lap, realizing I’d figured out a key to a locked door in my mind. Everything seemed crystal clear to me now.

  That was what we were all doing all the time. Lashing out, reacting, so we didn't have to feel insignificant.

  Holy stars, was that what was wrong with the world?

  We didn't want to feel?

  I stood up, getting a juice from the refrigerator, and nodding to myself. It made sense, and even though I didn’t understand the tidal wave dream, I could see something about my life so much more clearly now.

  I’d been surrounded by powerful people my whole life, and it had been terrible. Now I was trying to figure out my way forward with my own powers, and I wanted to be nothing like the people I’d known my whole life.

  It wasn’t a solution or a quick fix, but it was a step, and I knew what I wanted to do next.