Henry
takes his leave and goes to his alcove where he finds the bunch of
mushrooms waiting for him.
He
takes the 9 dried mushrooms and puts one in his mouth. He chews it
and discovers a nutty carrot like taste with elements of the effect
pepper has on your tongue. He doesn’t quite know where to place
this new taste and
sensation,
whether he likes it or not but his mouth is watering up.
It just so
happens to be that Henry may truly love this taste, by nature
inclined. He doesn’t quite like the chewy texture of the mushrooms
as it slowly soaks up with fluids in his mouth. The juices create a
weird numbing and exciting feeling on his tongue, the longer he chews
the mushroom.
He pops in another mushroom once the first one is
chewed through to his satisfaction. At the eighth or ninth mushroom,
the first effects begin nagging at his perception. Luckily he is in
an all-black environment. The first light giving mushrooms are far
enough from his cove that his voyage begins in the dark.
He
feels his stomach begin having slight aches. The juices have
descended in his stomach. His mouth is tingling all over, as is the
passage to his stomach. His vision gets fizzy and the black is
punctuated with colourful dots. These dots grow bigger and smaller
while changing colour.
He
feels this is not what he signed up for. This is not something he was
prepared for, not knowing either what exactly to expect. Words can
only prepare for so much. He lies down even though for his vision,
this changes little. He tries to stay focused while these new
sensorial information's are entering his mind, through his perception.
He focuses on one of these colourful balls and tries to keep it in
focus and in place. He wants to open that ball and discover what’s
inside. His vision though doesn’t feel like listening and the balls
keep on dancing in front of his eyes.
He
feels that the arteries in his body are constricting, making
movements with his hands a bit more uncommon and while trying to get
up, he doesn’t feel as strong on his feet, so he lies down again.
Once
he has swallowed all the mushrooms the stomach aches are getting more
pronounced but he doesn’t worry. He feels it might be better not to
try to control this trip.
He
makes himself comfortable on his bedroll and sighs happily in the
knowledge that he is setting out on a trip that changes his life
forever.
The
dancing balls fade away and suddenly everything turns to black again.
He sees an image of Clarity hover before his eyes. She opens her lips
and he sees her speak to him. He doesn’t hear any words but an ache
is forming in his heart. Tears well up in his eyes. He tells her how
much he loves her and sees her smile. The ache is growing stronger.
He tells her how he’d want to be with her and yet his words sound
hollow to him. He wouldn’t have left the surface if he couldn’t
leave her behind for a while.
Instead
of speaking he tries to listen to his ache. The feeling in his heart
seeps out of his body and turns into a hateful grim face of himself.
He wonders what he might be so hateful about. He just keeps staring
at his face and waits.
All
of a sudden he remembers a time before he entered the cave for the
first time. He remembers another person he used to be with, that he
has completely forgotten about. Alice or something like that was her
name. It’s when they broke up that he felt so angry and helpless.
He didn’t understand why they broke up and he made her responsible
for it.
The anger in his heart wells up even stronger until he
realises that he has gotten out of touch with her because their
communication became clogged up. They failed to understand each
other. Their words didn’t reach each other anymore. Bit by bit they
fell apart and needed to move on, unless they kept up the charade,
becoming bitter to one another.
Alice’s face appears once again in
front of him, morphing into Clarity’s. Now the anger is finally
released. There is though a message in all this. He sees the failing
of clear communication begin to rise up between him and Clarity. He
needs to find a way to remedy this. To speak clearly is important, no
matter the consequences, even if, this may not always seem possible in
a given moment.
Clarity
fades away as the darkness engulfs him again, embraces him and holds
him up. It holds him in its arms and he feels finally at home. Its
lips are kissing him, like a loving mother would. He feels cherished
and warm in its embrace. He feels understood and loved. The darkness
reveals the courage and trust needed to get to know her.
The dignity
demanded to be able to wield her like a loving cloak. The balance it
brings, by staying present and the gift she has always been. The
dark, even without colour is so rich. So full of details not always
visible, when you are unable to take your time. He just lets his
vision be black and enjoys what his heightened senses offer him. It
feels touchable, kneadable and like being able to take on any shape
he wishes.
He
loses himself in shaping up himself into smaller and bigger shapes,
creating small soldiers, hearts dancing around, rounded shapes and
weird shapes all mixed. He lets himself have free rein and creates
organic shapes beyond his wildest imagination. His creations begin
moving around him, filling up the space. They shoot at each other
then fall in love. They dance like crazy and hover before his eyes.
He tries eating one of them (? but with what mouth ?), it tastes
salty for whatever reason. Salty in a multidimensional way of course.
All
of a sudden eyes appear everywhere. The black figures melt away and
leave him alone, going back into nothingness. He tries looking at one
eye yet is overtaken by the sheer beauty in all those eyes. He looks
at as many of them as possible. One of them looks a lot like his own.
Staring at it, it opens up and he falls through the iris. Only for
another iris to pop up and fall through again. This cycle seems to go
on endlessly. Endlessly falling through his eyes. He feels stuck
observing himself. Is he judging himself? What does he see? A pure
eye, a dark eye? On and on he falls through. Is it really that he
falls through an eye or maybe just dark circles, annually, anal-y,
entirely?
From
this thought alone, the motion of falling slows down and he doesn’t
see eyes anymore but circles, portals, caves which he is falling
through. Time for a breather, this is much better. The cave he is
falling through turns into a pool which he lands in, swimming like a
dolphin. He enjoys the touch of water on his skin. The water seeps
through his pores and cleans him internally, shitting out grimy
rainbows with eels swimming through. This makes a smile appear on his
face. He feels like swimming with the eels, through the rainbow,
undulating up and down.
“Is
this what a trip can be like”, he asks himself?
“Of
course it is, this is what life is all about.”, he responds to
himself.
“No,
life is about just living, eating and doing everyday kind of things.”
A
questioning face pops up: “That isn’t fun. That’s boring. It
repeats every day. Life has so much to offer, how can I not see?”
“Is
it the same though, is it really repetition? What about creation,
what is it’s role?”, responds a wise face.
“Creation
is about doing what the universe does, on my scale. Then there can’t
be no repetition, even though all repetition will ever be is but an
idea in my head. Can’t I find peace with doing the same kind of
activity again, and again? As being integral to that which I AM.”
While
this discussion goes on, between many a kind of face, many opinions
and points of view are enumerated. Too many to remember, but what
does it all boil down to?
…
…
…
And
so he ponders, “Why won’t someone just spill me an answer? Why
wait years until I understand myself what can so easily be answered
in written or spoken form? Why am I so bluntly unwilling to accept
what I should already know, already Do what I am telling myself since
years? What is the worth of answers I give myself, which I won’t
do?
Stolen novel; please report.
Even
the knowledge of the happiness or tranquillity by doing what’s
right aren’t enough to simply act.
Is
it perhaps that I don’t really like the tranquillity? Am I afraid
of the peace?
Is
it perhaps an act of a true warrior to be tranquil and unperturbed
inside?
I
am used to have my head go in ten directions at a time, that’s no
tranquillity nor am I really savouring each one direction for what it
is.
Outside
of myself I’ll never find a solution. Such I ought to know by now.
It’s just not really nourishing enough to my soul.
If
I’m generally not used to nourishing my soul, I’ll assume I won’t
have the strength either to all of a sudden turn myself around 180°
and act completely different. Even though the idea and image I have
are tantalizing as they would offer a solution in one go instead of a
lengthened work on myself, with all the suffering that implies. Which
perhaps I fear just as much?
How
effective truly can this complete change be. Would the imperfect
human I am, be able to just adapt on the fly without the right
attitude and lengthened training?
Probably
not. Or is it?
Should
I really bother myself about how quickly I am able to change or just
accept the rate of flow of what I truly am doing?
It’s
all in the head, the problem that is. If perhaps I stop believing
there to be a problem, does the so called problem not just disappear?
I’m not nourishing a problem anymore, so it just goes away, right?
As in I become that which I eat… Or don’t eat for that matter.
The
effect my digestion has on my general well-being is directly implied.
My thoughts are food for thought, for who I am and who I can become,
stop being. There must be some kind of relation.
I
stuff myself, my belly barely doesn’t explode, life is like shit. I
stuff myself with impressions, I tense up.
I
don’t stuff myself and only eat what I need, life is good. A nice
kind of satiety, a calm.
Whom
can know better than me what I truly need?
For
example what happens, if I sit down and get out another one of those
good bottles but do nothing besides, consuming whatsoever is inside.
Can it really be that bad? Do I even have the strength to do nothing
but get helter skelter drunk, without losing my head along the way, I
mean stay really focused on lifting this glass up with the utmost
attention to then really get helter skelter drunk…
Well
I heard there’s a wise drunkard but it’ll have it’s limits too
though.
I
can’t fully believe in the way of the drunkard but it surely does
lead forward, for a moment.
What
does the drunkard eat?
…
A
few hours later, Henry is trailing off on the last effects and gets
up to see what Bhosun is up to.
Bhosun
is nowhere to be seen as Henry is looking for him, so he calls him:
“Bhosun, where are you?”
From
somewhere close by: “I’m here, taking a break, that’s all. I
can’t only be working. Life is about more than only working to me.
We should have some time to just sit on our lazy butts.”
Henry
cracks up: “Couldn’t be agreeing more. By the way, I’m still
tripping ever so slightly. It’s been a very colourful trip, for
me.”
“Sounds
good, wonderful ! Did you enjoy yourself?”
“There
was some enjoyment. I tried in the beginning to get used to the taste
and the effects on my stomach and blood vessels. I am not sure I like
that part, I’ll probably have to go to the toilet soon.”
“To
learn, you have to eat and digest. Don’t worry that’s all
natural. It happens to the best, by that I mean me, and we both know
what grows out of my fruits of digestion…”
Henry
lightens up: “Yes we sure do. Can’t complain about that.”
“Did
anything meaningful or healing happen to you?”
“Yes,
it definitely did. Something about Alice, a relationship that I used
to have. I hope I’ll learn from this trip. I don’t want to break
up with Clarity, just because I don’t communicate clearly enough. I
have a feeling though that clear communication depends very strongly
on how well I know and live by my needs and the interaction between
two people, the intention both people bring forward.”
“We
can’t ever fully know ourselves but yes I do agree on that point.
That we have to know ourselves at least to a strong degree. By the
way, you won’t be much good to me today, just go and have a rest,
try and sleep. Do whatever you feel like. You’ve just had a
monumental experience.”
“That
does sound like a good idea actually, with my weird stomach aches
persisting.”
“Perhaps,
as a tiny consideration, it might be better to find another spot to
do the deposit. We never know what else gets expelled.”
“Don’t
you worry about your mushrooms, they seem to grow only on your
fruits, not mine.”
“Yes
but it is an adaptable mushroom. It evolves just like us, so who
knows where we might discover one soon?”
“So
you don’t like to try fruits of my digestion that is? I’m off to
sleeping.”
After
only a few moments of lying down, Henry falls into a deep slumber.
The missed sleep takes its toll.
“Henry,
Henry, what are you looking at?
“Looking
at, what I am looking at... What do you mean?”
Clarity
takes Henry’s hand. His eyes focus again on where he’s right now.
It takes a few moments for him to realise he’s not in the cave
anymore.
“Oh,
I see what you mean. That is exactly what I wanted to talk to you
about. I don’t really know where to begin but I feel something is
going on between us and it is really about that. I am often absent
minded in my head and that doesn’t help in me clearly communicating
to you. To tell you how much I care about you. I feel it's not easy
right now.
Even now, I have a hard time to distinguish dream from
reality. To know whether I am awake or asleep and even when I am
awake, I don’t know whether I really am awake. It feels like a
constant dream. I might live too much on the inside of me and barely
get out anymore to actually live with my body. It feels like a weird
cohabitation of having a mind in a body that registers thoughts and
emotions but which don’t always find an expression.”
Tears
form in his eyes.
“I
feel lost and I am not sure I can find a way out right now, of this
internal mess.”
Henry
drops down and begins crying.
Clarity
gets down besides him and embraces him, “Thank you, for finally
speaking up. I am feeling this divide a lot also, sometimes I am also
absent myself. It just somehow seems part of what it is like being
human, in a divided world. I also know that when I go outside, I am
feeling more whole, no matter what’s going on with me or around me,
as long as I am able to keep my attention on what’s going on in
nature.”
Henry
looks up in her eyes: “Yeah I’ve also noticed these things.
That’s why we are so lucky to live close to nature. We need only go
outside, greet the animals we take care of and be close to the ever
present nature outside. It can be said that it’s always greener
beyond that mountain, where we might be free from those kind of
chores. It may be true that, whilst we are young, we should profit
from the liberty we can have instead of falling in a rut and attach
to a certain lifestyle.
What is so wrong about sitting down on a
particular piece of land and root. The travel inside doesn’t need
to stop for that reason. We continue to grow. Nature knows so many
ways of speaking to us. It’s about choices and accepting them. To
feel in our heart what we need. It’s not always behind that green
mountain. It is where I am right now. It is with you.”
He
embraces her back., “I may not always be able to express myself
perfectly, deep in my heart though I really feel for you. I prefer
facing challenges in life. Staying put is always a challenge if the
pasture seems greener beyond. Even if I don’t go tither, I know
sometimes the pasture comes on its own accord to me. Neighbours can
help make both happen. Humans can achieve a lot, as long as they are
able to really be there for each other. I am so grateful that we can
face life together.”
Clarity
also gets a twinkle in her eye. “From the moment I met you, I knew
that you are a nuanced and complex person. I guess so am I. That’s
acceptable for me. I love the complexities of life, as long as we can
talk about them. Discuss them and also not always be of the same
opinion, that is okay, normal even. Whatever normal means.
I love you
and I can understand that you may have a hard time speaking about
something you barely understand yourself. Do take your time. I do
though need you to be more present with me. I can’t live here by
myself, with someone who is only half present most of the time. I
need you to find a way to be more present. That is something I can’t
do for you. That will be entirely up to you.”
“Sometimes,
the switch can only be done internally. It somehow seems to need a
lot of triggers to fall into place. I am curious in as how much I am
an active part in this process instead of just receiving. Imagine the
dream I just woke up from. I was eating mushrooms, from the dung of a
centaur. In that dream, I tripped and it brought me right back to
you, to how our relationship is going. That we may be beginning to
live and fall apart and I can’t have that. I choose you.
So,
yes I am absent sometimes but I feel it is to be getting closer to be
whole again. In a way the cave has broken me and it will also be
through the cave that I’ll heal again. It may also be that I was
already broken before I entered the cave and it has been the place
where I choose to begin recognising that and work my way back to
wholeness. Through being with you. By breathing and living by my best
ability. I couldn’t put timestamps on when and how I do that. I
know I advance and that is all that matters to me.
Even
though this may be an ordeal I am going through, I am already the
luckiest person in the world, to have chosen to begin this ordeal and
bit by bit to discover myself, in my language, how I got there. It’s
a coming of age. To aspire is to be able to inspire. I don’t even
mind that I don’t always understand how things work, as long as
they work. As long as real changes occur then everything is worth it.
To have learned is to have made a life worth living. To explore makes
my life worth it, while I am living it and not afterwards only. It
may be that only the road I don’t know can lead me to where I need
to be.”
Clarity
looks at him pensively: “I guess, in a weird way, that makes sense.
Even if I don’t live through the same experience as you, I somehow
do understand you. It’s not easy to walk in another one’s shoes.”
“No
it definitely isn’t. Is there anything else you’d like to
express?”
“I
feel that we’ve already made a huge breakthrough today. Can’t we
just sit together arm in arm, enjoying each other’s presence?”
“That
sounds like a really good idea. Let’s let the world, be the world,
it will do it’s thing very well without us.”, Henry places his
head on Clarity’s shoulder.
How has your first trip been?
