I am still unsure of what exactly to expect from this funeral. I know that the corpse was already cremated yesterday due to the whole undead issue. We are still going to the grave yard… so, are we burying the ashes? Are they being displayed in an urn somewhere? Are they being scattered? I have no idea. Actually… thinking about it…

  Dwynfel: “Kiyui… what do I wear?”

  Kiyui: “Huh?”

  Dwynfel: “It’s a funeral… and he is receiving honours… is this one of those things where I have to dress up?”

  Kiyui: “Possibly. But I don’t really think Agaroth would want that. He always hated black tie events. Well, he hated the clothes. He very much enjoyed the buffets.”

  Fair point. But if this event was about what Agaroth would have wanted then all the female guests would be topless. Sometimes honouring the wishes of the dead is not the best option.

  Dwynfel: “This is true. But I can’t go in my farm clothes…”

  Kiyui: “Why not just go in your armour?”

  Dwynfel: “I can’t do that, surely?”

  Kiyui: “He was an adventurer at heart. I think being sent off by his friends in their adventuring clothes would be honouring him in a way that he’d actually appreciate.”

  Dwynfel: “Good point. Are you going to wear your battledress?”

  Kiyui: “I will. But this is the last time that I’m going to wear it.”

  Dwynfel: “We are definitely giving up the adventuring life then?”

  Kiyui: “I am… you’re not.”

  Dwynfel: “Excuse me?”

  He walked over to me, half dressed. He picked my armour up off the bed and softly handed it to me.

  Kiyui: “I loved being an adventurer. I did. It meant the world to me that you guys took a chance on me. But I just can’t do it anymore. All it took was some confusion gas and I ruined everything.”

  Dwynfel: “Confusion gas does that… Damecus would have killed us if that priest hadn’t been there. What happened wasn’t your fault.”

  Kiyui: “That doesn’t change what happened. And I cannot risk it happening again. I will not be the reason that anybody else that I care about dies.”

  Dwynfel: “Then we give it up together.”

  Kiyui: “No.”

  He kneeled down in front of me and started strapping my concealed knife to my leg.

  Kiyui: “Adventuring is your dream. You dreamed about it since you were a kid. All that stuff you told me about reading your dad’s diaries. You love adventuring. You’ve adventured without me before, many times. You can do it again. I won’t let you give up something you love because of me. I will be fine here, on this farm, with the kids. Besides, there has been talk of Svampe looking for his own adventuring party. So, your mum will need the extra help here.”

  Svampe not being on the farm as much will certainly alter the work load. Due to the insane strength and speed of his tendrils, he can do the work of multiple men. Him and Nomius could probably run this whole farm between them.

  Dwynfel: “Okay… but I’m going to adventure less. Not because I think you need me… but because I want to spend more time with you. I enjoy doing the adventuring… but the thing I’d most like to spend my time doing, is you.”

  He glanced up at me with a knowing look… at which point I realised what I said.

  Dwynfel: “I mean, I’d most like to spend my time doing anything, as long as it is with you.”

  He gave a brief laugh before standing up and kissing me on the forehead.

  Kiyui: “The fact that you were stood completely naked with an erection when you said that really didn’t help.”

  Dwynfel: “Yeah… sorry… morning… we should really get ready and have something to eat before we go.”

  Kiyui: “Definitely.”

  We got dressed and headed into the kitchen to find Tadwick sat at the table, he was staring intently at our bedroom door, waiting for us to appear. Svampe was frying some bacon at the stove and Alexi was sat at the table, eating peacefully.

  Tadwick: “He’s got a date with his girlfriend today!”

  Svampe: “She isn’t my girlfriend.”

  Tadwick: “She is! She totally is!”

  Svampe: “If either of us has a girlfriend, it’s you.”

  Tadwick: “Don’t be stupid.”

  Svampe: “You’re always hanging around with that Toria these days.”

  Tadwick: “She’s one of the guys. She isn’t my girlfriend.”

  Svampe: “Then why are you always talking about her?”

  Tadwick: “I am not!”

  Svampe: “The entire walk back from town on Friday it was “Toria is so cool… Toria scored like four goals… Toria tackled Charlie… Toria beat Olmo at arm wrestling…” and so on and so on.”

  Tadwick: “Because she did.”

  Svampe: “You’ve got a crush on her and you know it.”

  Tadwick: “No, I don’t! I don’t need a girlfriend. I’m gonna stay single forever. Coz I’m my own man.”

  Kiyui: “Give it a few years, Tadpole. Your stance will change.”

  Tadwick: “No it won’t.”

  Svampe placed the cooked bacon on some bread. He placed some crushed tomatoes on Kiyui’s and a fried egg on mine and placed them on the table.

  Kiyui: “So, who is this girl that you’re meeting anyway?”

  Tadwick: “Its Grant’s sister! He’s dating Grant’s sister!”

  Ah… that makes sense. He saved Grant’s life and now she’s fond of him.

  Svampe: “Again… not dating. Her name is Becky and she is a friend. We go for walks. She is grateful to me for healing her brother, nothing more.”

  Tadwick: “Nu-uh! She kissed you!”

  Dwynfel: “Tadwick… please stop shouting. And eat your breakfast before it gets cold.”

  Svampe: “She kissed me to thank me for helping her brother, nothing more.”

  Tadwick was munching on a bacon sandwich of his own. But it didn’t in any way prevent him from talking. He continued to speak, spreading breadcrumbs and grease all across the table in the process.

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  Tadwick: “If she isn’t your girlfriend then why do you always put that smelly stuff on when you go to meet her?”

  Dwynfel: “Swallow before you talk, Tadwick.”

  Kiyui: “Swallowing is important.”

  Kiyui touched my hand and winked at me. Glad to see he’s got his sense of humour back.

  Svampe: “I put my cologne on whenever I go to town.”

  Tadwick: “Oh yeah? Well then why were you cutting your big boy hair last night?”

  Kiyui spat some of his sandwich out and was struggling to stop himself from laughing. Svampe clipped Tadwick around the back of the head.

  Svampe: “What is wrong with you?”

  Dwynfel: “You shouldn’t spy on people… its rude.”

  Tadwick: “But I don’t get why he needs to make his willy look pretty if she isn’t his girlfriend.”

  I fear Charlie has been explaining things to Tadwick again. Kiyui’s coughing now due to laughing so much… I’m beginning to suspect that he may be choking. He held his hands up and signed that he was fine and to give him a minute.

  Alexi finished his sandwich and instantly stood up to start cleaning his plate, completely unfazed by the conversation that was going on around him.

  Dwynfel: “Some people just like to keep things trimmed and neat. Lucas always shaves his. It can be nice to make yourself look neat simply for yourself sometimes.”

  Kiyui: “That being said, if you are expecting somebody down there, trimming is a good shout. Nothing worse than having to stop having half-way through to pull a furball out your mouth.”

  Tadwick: “Why would you get the hair in your mouth?”

  Kiyui: “Well…”

  Dwynfel: “Not the time.”

  Svampe: “Speaking of making ourselves presentable. Your girlfriend will be here soon… so you had better put some clothes on.”

  Tadwick: “She isn’t my girlfriend!”

  Alexi appeared at the table and removed Tadwick’s now clear plate.

  Dwynfel: “Toria’s coming round?”

  Svampe: “All their friends are. Olly organised a life drawing class and all Tad’s friends wanted to come, so now it’s turned into a whole thing.”

  Dwynfel: “All of them are coming?”

  Svampe: “Yeah. Indira’s outside helping Olly, Dolly, and Nomius set it all up now.”

  Tadwick: “I don’t see why I need to put clothes on… they’ll just get covered in paint. Skin is way easier to clean.”

  He's not wrong about that. Getting paint out of clothes is awful.

  Svampe: “There will be a girl present.”

  Tadwick: “So? She’s seen it lots of times. She judged our windmill competition.”

  Not that bloody windmill thing again.

  Svampe: “Who won?”

  Tadwick: “I did, obviously.”

  Svampe: “Lex?”

  Alexi: “Olmo.”

  Tadwick: “Hey!”

  Svampe started laughing to himself.

  Tadwick: “What’s so funny?”

  Svampe: “Even with that ridiculous python between your legs, you still lost a dick swinging contest.”

  Tadwick: “If it was just about swinging then I would have won! Ask Lexi!”

  Alexi: “Tadwick is correct. He lacks coordination and thus struggles to maintain the motion for a significant length of time. Olmo may not have the length of Tadwick, but he has enough to develop momentum, he has the coordination to maintain the motion and the precision to make much smoother circles.”

  Another delightful technical analysis.

  Svampe: “I’m surprised they didn’t make you judge after an analysis like that.”

  Tadwick: “He couldn’t be judge. He has a willy. He was a challenger.”

  Svampe: “How’d you do?”

  Alexi: “It is not an activity that I am skilled at. Due to my diminutive nature, I lack the length to create a reasonable circular motion.”

  Tadwick: “Johnny would have won, but he was using magic to make his spin and that’s cheating.”

  Svampe was still laughing. Tadwick clearly took this little contest seriously.

  Svampe: “Didn’t you teach them all how to do this in the first place? I bet you’re disappointed that you didn’t win.”

  Tadwick: “I am. But Toria said my willy was the most impressive. So, I still won!”

  Svampe: “Did she say anything else?”

  Alexi: “She also stated that Grant’s was the prettiest, Oscar’s was the cutest, that Zayan had the perkiest testicles, Johnny has the smoothest skin, Xion has the nicest smile, Charlie has the best bottom and that Freddy beautiful eyes. She refused to pass comment on Isha, because he is her brother.”

  Fucking hell… did they just line up and let her inspect them. They certainly seem to have gotten over their fear of girl’s seeing their genitals.

  Incidentally… I have never… ever… in my entire life… looked at a penis and thought it looked pretty. Cute I can vaguely understand… in the same way that a small child’s feet may look cute. But pretty? The penis is not something that I would ever describe as pretty. Don’t get me wrong… I like Kiyui’s. Penises can be appealing… but pretty?

  Mind you… it does seem like she went out of her way to give everyone a compliment of some description. She obviously wanted everybody to have something to feel good about. She’s a sweet girl at heart. Even if that entire situation was completely deranged.

  Tadwick: “Why should I care about all that. I have the most impressive willy, so I win.”

  Svampe: “No you don’t. Olmo still won. But being told it was impressive clearly gave you a confidence boost. No wonder you have been such an exhibitionist of late.”

  Tadwick: “I don’t know what that means, but fine, I’ll put some clothes on. But I’m just gonna take them off when the paint comes out.”

  Svampe: “That’s fine. Once I leave for town, you’re no longer my problem.”

  Now, you see. Those two bicker like I would expect from siblings. I wish Alexi would join in and be a part of this stuff. His lack of childishness still concerns me greatly.

  Svampe paused for a second and his brow furrowed in thought.

  Svampe: “Hang on. Lex, what did she say about you?”

  Alexi: “She stated that I have a pure and beautiful soul.”

  Svampe: “That’s actually very sweet.”

  He's right. That is actually very sweet of her to say. And she’s right of course. His intentions are always for the benefit of others. I know that I wish he was a bit more selfish and made his own needs known from time to time… but he is absolutely the purest little soul that I have ever known. Anyway… as delightful as this little detour has been… we have a funeral to get to.