I can’t sleep… I’m just lying here… Kiyui fell asleep ages ago… his arm is across me, his head next to mine… I’m happy… I’m so happy… being happy should help me relax, right. I should be able to get to sleep wrapped in his arms, right? Maybe I’m just overthinking things. I’m always overthinking things… I wish I could switch my brain off.

  Did I… did I handle that ok? Of course I didn’t… I just lay there paralysed while he did everything… I didn’t even look at him. By the time I opened my eyes he had fallen asleep. After everything that he did… I was so excited… so happy… and yet… too nervous to even look at him. Gods… I like him… I really like him. I thought it was just a phase… just a fleeting thing… but it isn’t, is it? Is this a crush? Is it infatuation? Or is it something more?

  This definitely isn’t a purely physical thing. When I first saw him naked… all that time ago at the lake… he didn’t turn me on at all… I found him intriguing because of the fur pattern and the tattoo and stuff… but my body didn’t react to him at all. Or was that just because I was so obsessed with Tilda at the time. Oh gods, do I miss Tilda.

  Have I just moved from one obsession to another… has my grief over losing Tilda caused me to be obsessed with the first person to pay me any attention? No. I refuse to believe that. I feel too strongly for him for there to be nothing genuine going on.

  Urgh… why does he have to be so nice? He’s all I can think about. I still can’t believe what just happened. I can’t believe anybody would touch me like that… would do those things to me. I can’t get the feeling of his tongue out my brain. Seriously, was he cleaning me? Even now I’m rolling the skin back and looking at myself… there isn’t a drop of semen anywhere… he even got the last drop as it was dribbling out. My glans look so clean… he really is…

  Tadwick: “I need a wee!”

  Dwynfel: “Fucking hell… shit… sorry Tadwick… you gave me a fright.”

  I looked over to see Tadwick… half asleep with an erection. He was sitting up, rubbing his eyes, and yawning.

  Now that is something that baffles me. Small boys and erections. I always thought that I woke up with an erection because I had had sexual dreams. Because once puberty started, the slightest sexual thought gave me an erection. Even when I got one seemingly at random, I put it down to that being my body’s way of telling me that it wanted to orgasm.

  But why on earth do boys get erections before even starting puberty? It makes no sense to me. I know it used to happen to me. But I have always written that off as me being a disgusting and depraved goblin whose body was craving the vile activities that it witnessed in the nest.

  But since I've started travelling with Tadwick, it has become clear to me that it happens to all boys. Tadwick’s penis wakes up before he does literally every morning. And he gets several completely at random throughout the day. And there is absolutely no way that he has any sexual motivations whatsoever.

  Most of the time he doesn’t even register them. And when he does, he just thinks it’s funny to push it down and watch it spring back up. I mean… yes, sometimes he fiddles with it, but not in a sexual way. And he clearly feels no embarrassment about it at all. These bodies that we have baffle me. I’m sure there must be a reason for this. I just don’t know what it is.

  Tadwick: “I need a wee. Will you come with me?”

  Dwynfel: “Of course… hang on…”

  I moved Kiyui’s arm off me and we went outside of the tent. The moon was full and bright… so very bright… we could see perfectly even without the fire. It’s such a beautiful night.

  Tadwick: “Why’s your bellend out?”

  Dwynfel: “What?”

  Tadwick: “Ya know, your willie helmet.”

  Fuck, he gave me such a shock I forgot what I was doing. Shit, I can’t tell him that I was checking that Kiyui had licked it clean.

  Dwynfel: “Umm… I need a wee too. I rolled the skin back to make it easier to aim.”

  Tadwick: “I can’t do that.”

  Dwynfel: “Huh?”

  He looked down at himself and rolled the skin back as far as it would go… which wasn’t far.

  Tadwick: “I can’t woll it back… Kiyui says the skin’s foozed.”

  Dwynfel: “Really?”

  Tadwick: “He said it will d... deta… detak”

  Dwynfel: “Detach?”

  Tadwick: “Yeah, that, in a few years, then I can aim easy like you.”

  Dwynfel: “Well, I’ll take his word on that. It isn’t really my area of expertise… Kiyui is definitely the person who would know this stuff. I shall defer to him for any penis related information.”

  Tadwick: “Huh?”

  Dwynfel: “Kiyui knows a lot about willies.”

  Tadwick: “I know right, he’s so cool!”

  Kids find the weirdest things amazing. I started to lead him to the side of the camp. He kept pushing his penis down and watching it spring back up whilst making a silly “twang” noise.

  Tadwick: “Why is it so bouncy?”

  Dwynfel: “Yeah… they get that. It’ll go down after you’ve had your wee.”

  Tadwick: “So, it’s all hard because its full of wee?”

  Pretty sure that it isn’t. But I don’t have the knowledge to correct him.

  Dwynfel: “Maybe.”

  I took him to the side of the camp and remembered something that my mum used to do when I was little.

  Dwynfel: “Ok, Tadwick… you get one point for hitting the tree… three points for hitting that flower there… and five points if you can hit that leaf up there.”

  The narrative has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.

  Tadwick: “What if I hit all three?”

  Dwynfel: “Then you get a bonus point… netting you a total of 10.”

  Tadwick: “Bwing it on!”

  My mum used to do this game with me to encourage me to learn how to aim well. If there was one thing that always irritated my mother it was urine-stained shoes. I can tell that Tadwick is not used to aiming. He was very all over the place when he started… but that’s understandable if he can’t roll the skin back. Then the stream will bounce off the foreskin and be unpredictable to start with. Not to mention the erection… it’s always difficult to aim when you have one of those.

  I don’t normally spend much time with Tadwick… I’m never sure what to do with kids, so I leave him to Kiyui, and rather oddly Nomius. Now that I’m actually up close with him in this context, I can’t help but notice how well-endowed the kid is. I mean, it must be three times bigger than mine was when I was his size. And he’s only like 10 inches shorter than me… so that wasn’t exactly long ago. Like, seriously. If that thing keeps growing then he could hurt somebody when he’s older.

  Not that that’s important right now…making sure he is alive into adulthood is the priority… puberty related issues are well into the future… assuming we can kill that incubus.

  Oh gods, what if that’s the size that Kiyui is used to? Is that standard for a human male? I can’t compete with that kind of size… I hate being a goblin… we haven’t even had sex yet and I’m already ruining our sex life with my inferior body.

  Fucking hell, what’s wrong with me? I’m jealous of a four-year-old. Moving on… despite his rather shaky start, he managed to hit the flower and the tree easily, but he ran out of wee before he was able to get the leaf.

  Dwynfel: “Four points… well done!”

  Tadwick: “That leaf is too high.”

  Dwynfel: “Ah… you should have aimed for the leaf first. The stream is strongest at the start… that’s when you are going to get the hight. If you wait until you are almost done then the high targets will be a no go.”

  I showed him what I meant and hit all three targets starting with the leaf.

  Tadwick: “Oh, I’ll get it next time!

  Dwynfel: “Go for it.”

  Tadwick walked over to the edge of the water instead of the tent… so I followed him. He sat down and looked up at the stars. I sat next to him.

  Dwynfel: “It’s a beautiful sight isn’t it.”

  Tadwick: “Can I ask sumfin?”

  Dwynfel: “Sure.”

  Tadwick: “What happens when we die?”

  He's still thinking about what was said to him earlier. What do I say? Do I lie to him? Do I tell him the truth? I mean, the truth is that I don’t know… if I tell him that, it will end this conversation… but it isn’t exactly much of a comfort.

  Dwynfel: “Umm… the truth is, Tadwick… I can’t say for sure… nobody truly knows until they die themselves. All I can do is tell you what some people believe.”

  Tadwick: “What does bee leave mean?”

  Dwynfel: “Belief is what somebody thinks… they don’t know… because it isn’t something that can be proven… so they spend a lot of time thinking and come up with a belief.”

  Tadwick: “That sound confoosing.”

  Dwynfel: “Yeah, lots of things are, unfortunately.”

  Tadwick: “What do you bee leaf?”

  Dwynfel: “Good question…”

  What do I believe? I don’t have any magical abilities so I don’t really pray or anything. I blaspheme and take the names of the gods in vain a lot… but do I really believe in any of them? Somebody must grant magical powers; magic has to come from somewhere.

  Asmodeus’ powers come from praying to the Father of Fortitude. Mages like Phoenix get their power from the Jester of Chaos. Clerics like Agaroth get their healing powers from the Mother of Mercy, and the Maiden of Virtue is what grants priests and priestesses their power. There is also the Messenger of Peace, the Watcher of Time, and the Reaper of Life. Although apparently the Messenger and the Reaper have not granted others their magic in centuries. And the last disciple of the Watcher disappeared years ago. Until recently that was the only faith structure that I had ever come across, so I just assumed it was correct.

  But Kiyui doesn’t believe in any of those gods. He doesn’t pray to any gods for his magical abilities… I think his power comes from his demonic side and demons are supposed to have escaped from the depths of hell to spread chaos through the world… if there is no hell, then where did they come from? Are they just creatures like us?

  Kiyui does have faith, despite being half demon, but he doesn’t believe in hell as far as I’m aware… he believes in a god named Gaia and another named Aeos. I’ve never really spoken to him about his faith… I’ve just heard him exclaim those names on occasion. Plus, there is that necklace of his… the eagle claw holding the red orb… I know that’s something to do with his faith but I have no idea what.

  The goblins in the nest that I grew up with didn’t seem to have faith in anything… and what do the lizardmen believe? They seem to…

  Tadwick: “Are you ok?”

  Dwynfel: “Sorry, got lost in thought. I really don’t know, Tadwick. I used to believe in the common human faith… which states that when you die you are either rewarded with a life of peace with your previously deceased loved ones or you are condemned to hell until you have atoned for your sins. Once you atone for your sins, you are reincarnated and are given another attempt to earn entry into heaven And those who are morally grey get reincarnated from the get go.”

  Tadwick: “Huh?”

  Dwynfel: “Basically, do bad things and you pay for it. Behave and your soul gets rewarded. Do a bit of both and you get another go at life.”

  Tadwick: “Oh… is that what wee incrated means?”

  Dwynfel: “Reincarnated… it means that your soul is reborn into the body of a new born baby. You don’t hold the memories of your previous life, but your soul gets another attempt to prove itself.”

  Tadwick: “Why don’t you beleaf that now?”

  Dwynfel: “I don’t not not believe it… if you know what I mean.”

  Tadwick: “I don’t.”

  I really need to learn how to simplify things when talking to kids.

  Dwynfel: “I don’t know what I believe anymore… most of my life, I only encountered one belief. I never questioned it. But now I know that there are other beliefs… other people believe different things… so I can’t claim my belief to be the correct one… because I don’t know… I don’t have all the information… I don’t have evidence… I can’t prove anything… so how do I know that what I always believed is true?”

  Tadwick looked at me… I could see the confusion on his face.

  Dwynfel: “Sorry, Tadwick… I know that you want answers… I don’t have any… but if I ever do find any then I’ll let you know.”

  He leaned on my side and I wrapped my arm around him. We stayed sat by the waterfall for a while… and just silently stared at the stars. The night sky is truly beautiful.