Tomorrow was the coronation. I hoped to hear anything from Silas by dawn. Fifty variables I couldn't control. A hundred ways the plan could fail. And underneath all of that, the image of Nyssara staring me down with glimmering hope whenever I closed my eyes.
I won’t get any rest. So I did what I always did when I couldn't sleep- I prepared.
The safe house was small; one main room with a storage alcove and her sleeping corner separated by a thin curtain that moved slightly with each of her exhales. I moved through the space systematically, accounting for every possibility.
The maps showing the inside, outside, rooftops, and catacombs of the palace were already memorized. Our weapons were catalogued and positioned for quick access. Supplies; adequate for the next forty-eight hours.
That’s when I saw them again.
Hidden under her bedroll, wrapped in a cloth that had been carefully folded to look like part of the bedding. Five books. Cheap paperbacks with lurid covers showing muscular men and women in various states of romantic entanglement.
I unwrapped them and flipped through the first one.
"Yozi," Malgrin said quietly. "Maybe don't do this."
"I'm looking for patterns. Behavioral tells. She reads these obsessively, which means they reveal something about how she thinks. There might be useful information about her decision-making processes."
"That's not why she reads them."
"Then why?"
He didn't answer.
I skimmed the pages. Cheap love story. The couple meets under unlikely circumstances. Obstacles arise and are overcome through determination and faith. Happy ending
The same beats repeated in all five books with minor variations. Meet. Fall in love. Overcome impossible obstacles. Build a family. Have children.
Always children.
Why?
I set the books aside and looked toward the curtain where Nyssara slept, her breathing slow and steady with the deep trust of someone who believed herself safe. I still don’t understand her.
I activated Blood-Sense.
My eyes went black and her body resolved into warmth and rhythm, mapped in the red language of blood and bone that I was learning to read as fluently as any written text. Strong heartbeat, steady and slow with sleep. Healed curse wound on her side, the scar tissue showing as a cooler patch against the warmth of healthy flesh.
Then I found it.
Internal scarring in her lower abdomen. Extensive. Afflicted way before we got to know each other, and the damage it left behind was significant. Her reproductive system was compromised; scar tissue thick and permanent where healthy tissue should have been.
She couldn't have children.
The novels. The obsession with family. The happy endings that always, always included children. Data point connected to data point, pattern emerging from chaos.
"Yozi, stop." Malgrin's voice was urgent now, sharp in a way I rarely heard from him. "You need to stop right now. This is not entertaining."
“Understanding her motivations helps predict her behavior in crisis situations."
"That's not what you're doing and you know it. You're violating her privacy in the most intimate way possible. This isn't intelligence gathering. This is betrayal."
"She won't find out. I'm being thorough."
I deactivated Blood-Sense. Put the books back exactly how I found them, the cloth folded precisely, the position perfect.
Now I understood her better. Could anticipate her decisions. Factor in her emotional vulnerabilities when planning our next moves.
Thorough preparation.
That's all it was.
Morning came grey and cold.
_________________________________________________________________________
Nyssara woke and made tea without speaking. The silence between us was brittle in a way I couldn't identify.
"I did a final assessment last night," I said. "On our physical condition and combat readiness."
She paused. The tea cup halfway to her mouth.
"Your recovery is ahead of schedule. The tissue in your abdomen is stable. You shouldn't experience pain during combat. "You are optimal."
Silence.
"You..." Her voice was barely a whisper. "You what?"
"Blood-Sense. While you were sleeping. I needed to confirm your combat readiness."
She set the cup down with exaggerated care.
This tale has been pilfered from Royal Road. If found on Amazon, kindly file a report.
"You scanned me. What is happening underneath my skin. While I was asleep."
"Yes. And the scarring explains your reading material. The obsession with family structures is clearly a coping mechanism for…"
The slap came so fast I didn't see it.
Pain bloomed across my face.
First thing I'd actually felt in days.
"Those were mine." Her voice shook. "The only private thing I have left. And you…."
"I needed to understand your mental state to assure your well-being."
"No. You wanted data, so you could press me into your fucking equations.
"That's not…"
"It is exactly that." She stepped closer. "You went too far this time. You violated me, Yozi. You scanned my body without permission. Do you even understand what you've done?"
I ran through social protocols.
"I was preparing for tomorrow. We need every advantage."
"Stop. Just stop talking." She was shaking. "Those books. Do you know why I read them?"
"Because you can't have children. The internal scarring dama-"
"BECAUSE I AM BROKEN!!"
She screamed it.
"Because some bullshit I had no control over ripped apart my insides and left me scarred and empty and those books are the only way I can pretend I could have that life. The normal life."
Her voice cracked.
"I read them and I cry because I know I'll never have it. They were my little, predictable dreams of agency. And you just filed them away for you and corrupted them for me in the process."
"I didn't mean to cause distress."
"Yes you did. You chose to search my things. You were bored and decided to scan me. Because you don’t give a fuck about my privacy." She stepped closer. "And you know what the worst part is?"
"What?"
"You still don't understand why this is wrong."
She was right.
I knew intellectually this was considered a violation. But I couldn't feel it. Couldn't grasp why scanning her was different from scanning anything else.
It was all information.
"You matched my scar," she said quietly. "Cut yourself to match my wound. I thought that meant you understood what it was to be damaged. To survive trauma."
"I do understand quite a b…"
"No! You understand tactics. You understand transactions." She grabbed her sword belt. "I've killed dozens of pact-bearers. You know what they all had in common?"
"What?"
"They fucking felt something. Rage. Grief. Fear. They were monsters, but they were human monsters."
She looked at me with grey eyes gone hard as stone.
"You're worse. You're becoming nothing. Just an empty calculation wearing skin."
"That's not fair, I only wa-"
"Look at yourself. You just violated someone you called a partner. And you can't even feel bad about it. You will always find a way to rationalize, because to feel is just too much work. Inefficient, right? Right?!"
I tried. Searched for guilt, shame, regret.
Found only confusion about why she was upset.
Which proved her point.
She walked to the door.
"Don’t worry about the coronation. I'll be there." Her voice was flat. "Because the empire matters more than us."
"There is no more us?"
"There never was. I was just too stupid to fully accept it."
The door closed.
I stood in the empty safe house.
"I warned you," Malgrin said.
"I don't understand. I was being thorough."
"You treated her like an asset. Not a person."
"What's the difference?"
He didn't answer.
I sat down. Put my head in my hands.
Tried to feel something. Guilt. Shame. Regret.
Nothing.
Just confusion. Frustration that this complicated tomorrow.
And underneath that, something small. Distant.
Loss.
The way you feel when you drop something and watch it shatter. The certainty that it can't be fixed.
I'd never lost a person before.
Never had a person to lose.
My hands started shaking. I didn't know why.
The black veins on my arms had receded once….
Now I looked.
They were spreading again. Darker. Faster.
Reaching toward my heart.
I sat there until the light changed. Until the room went from grey to gold to grey again.
Didn't move.Couldn’t think. .
Just sat with the shape of something missing that I couldn't name and couldn't understand and couldn't feel the way I was supposed to feel it.
Tomorrow I will steal the Tear. Stop the Grey Hand. Save the empire.
Which I don't care about at all.
But I would do it anyway, it is what is left of me.
Heroes care, but variables performed their function until the calculation stopped.
--- SPECTACLE REPORT: ............................ ---
Performance Rating: [............] Malgrin's Note: "..." (No commentary available. The Host is currently unresponsive to humor.)
MISSION STATUS:
-
Target: The Tear of the First Emperor.
-
Time Remaining: 24 Hours.
-
Readiness: 100% (Physical). But actually 0%
ASSET UPDATE:
-
Nyssara: Status changed from [PARTNER] to [ASSET: EXPENDABLE].
-
Note: You wanted to be thorough. You got thorough. Happy now?
CORRUPTION STATUS:
-
Level: 38% (▲ Rapid Increase)
-
Cause: Severance of human connection. The Void is rushing in to fill the empty space.
-
Prognosis: You are efficient now. Just like you wanted.