Hello Future Alice,

  Well.

  I don’t even know where to start.

  I guess I can start by saying I finally broke my writing streak. Four years of journaling every day and…it’s over.

  It’s over.

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  Hello Future Alice,

  I thought about adding this onto the st one, but then, it’s already been another few days so the timing would look weird.

  Another notification.

  The desperation is so obvious now. I was so insecure and ashamed of what I wanted that the first guy that seemed interested made me think he actually cared about me.

  I’m looking back at all these entries about him and all I can do is shake my head in disbelief. I was so blind to so much. Hold on, boarding the pne.

  Yeah, so as I was saying.

  I don’t know. I feel like I should be writing more. Feeling more. Well, I’m definitely feeling a lot. Betrayed. Ashamed. Guilty. Stupid. Bad. Torn. Sad. Lonely. Isoted. Ugly. Angry. Sad again.

  Heh. I remember when writing all sorts of different emotions down was a challenge.

  Jessie already said I can stay at her pce for a few days because she’s actually a good person. That’s not fair. He was sort of being honest with me the whole time. Well, not honest, but…there were signs. Signs I chose to ignore. Signs I wanted to ignore.

  I mean “other Josh” Jen. He/She. It was all so obvious. But then, I mean Jessie didn’t even pick up on it. Which isn’t fair to Jessie since it’s not like she had the first hand experience. And I left out some of the doubts I had because…because.

  I was scared I guess. I thought he would get better. Or that he needed time. And help. From me. But all I did was push him to do things he said he didn’t want to do. Like a shitty person does. Like people did to me when I was younger. Like I did to myself.

  And then I think about all the stuff I didn’t tell Josh. I left so many things vague. I didn’t tell him what I really thought about his identity. Or my sexuality. A retionship of lies.

  Well. Nothing to be done about it now.

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  Hello Future Alice,

  You’re stronger than you think.

  I’m leading with that in case you’re having another rough patch in life and you’re going back through this journal to find answers.

  You’re stronger than you think.

  Things are starting to feel normal again. It helped getting out of my head for a few days. Staying with Jessie and doing the bare minimum at work also helped. Honestly, I was surprised at how well things functioned without me trying my hardest. Jessie suggested I could stand to take things a little easier long-term. We joked about how they would never risk firing me because of my “major minority status.”

  She’s the best.

  I’m also the best.

  I mean, I fucked around with Josh for way too long instead of having a modicum of self-respect. But, at the same time, I got myself super healthy. I grew my glutes a bunch. I reaffirmed my real friendships. I also feel better about my goals when it comes to my body.

  I was so concerned about how I looked to other people, that I’ve let myself be blind to how I see myself. Jessie mentioned something about the difference between being self-aware and self-conscious. I’m not sure if I understood everything correctly (note to self: ask Jessie about this again), but it basically sounds like I was being super self-conscious without being fully aware of all the variables in pce.

  Jessie said it’s like how I can always feel like I’m letting bad projects push through to clients and tell myself it’s because I’m aware of all the errors and bugs, and poor coding. But really, I’m self-conscious of my work and not aware that the product is perfectly fine for the purpose the client has in mind.

  So…I’m self-conscious of all of my fws (and therefore feel bad about myself) without being aware of how I’m actually perceived by people around me. I don’t realize that I’m perfectly okay as I am even if I still have some bugs.

  At least, that’s what Jessie says. And I really want to believe her. I’ll get there. Because Jessie is too smart, and awesome, and loving to waste her time caring about someone who doesn’t deserve it. I hope.

  I had to ugh to myself. From one J-word to another.

  Fuck.

  I…might be

  Nope. I am WAY not ready to actually write that down. I’m not sure I was even ready to think it. But that happened so…it’s in my brain now. And…

  Like, normally, I would immediately call Jessie to talk about that crazy idea, but then it’s about Jessie so…

  Fuck.

  Until next time future me.

  Qzar24