Qzar24

  Hello Future Alice,

  Yesterday, we came to America again, but this time it was to meet up with Josh. The flight was fine, I watched that new marvel movie and took a nap, we went to a pretty tasty restaurant, and OMG none of that matters because I asked Josh to be my boyfriend!

  In case you forgot, the pn was to wait until the end of the trip, but I got too excited. Of course, since I asked so soon, I didn’t get to try out the funny line Keira came up with when we were talking about Josh before the trip.

  “Do you want to be my boyfriend now and my girlfriend ter?”

  Honestly, I’m still not certain about him or his identity. He doesn’t talk about himself much, and it doesn’t seem like he retains everything I talk about when I get into my rambling moods. He has been a huge help with NBE. He’s super supportive, and having someone doing it with me really makes a difference in helping me stay motivated.

  Plus, since we met on the discord, it’s easier to talk about all this stuff with him. I can’t really do that with my other friends. Well, except for Jessie, but she’s special. I don’t feel like a weird pervert for wanting giant boobs when I talk to her. It’s the same with Josh.

  Over dinner, he told me about a friend he had as young kid, before his parents divorced. Which, he bmes himself for. Why is that such a thing? With children of divorce.

  Maybe…I don’t know. I’ll ask Jessie about it ter. She’s always been better at figuring out what’s going on with people. Which, I’ll have to tell her about the interesting story with Josh and his friend. He was pretty vague with the details, and it was obvious it was very painful to talk about.

  But the highlights. Ali - from the Middle East. Dad was a CEO of some big company. Ali’s dad and Josh’s dad got in fights all the time about their sons being friends. Maybe Josh’s dad was a huge racist and that’s why his parents divorced? Josh mentioned a fight about 9/11, so maybe Josh’s dad was super agro about Josh being friends with someone from “over there” and then Ali’s dad got rightfully angry.

  Maybe I can ask Josh more about it ter.

  Oh, so the big news. I got a boyfriend! Or maybe a future girlfriend? I’m still not sure. It’s obvious he’s super accepting of transpeople, but I’ve known plenty of allies who were actually just in closet. Even with themselves.

  And I don’t want to try shoving him in a box just because he’s growing boobs. Maybe he can be a cisman who likes having breasts. Which…I don’t know. Maybe the idea of that bothers me? Because, I still feel like a man who likes having boobs sometimes.

  And then Josh can seem like such a stereotypical man it’s like he’s doing it on purpose. Which is also something I totally rete with. The amount of effort I put into making sure I was a normal guy… Maybe Josh hasn’t figured themselves out yet.

  Whoever they are, the little cutie is sleeping right next to me. I got a little intense st night. I can even see a hickey forming on their neck already!

  I did make a mistake with...well. Doing something I probably shouldn’t have done. But he forgave me, so it’s probably all good. And I’ll try to be extra nice to him today and tomorrow. Speaking of today, I wonder what we should do…

  I’d like to go shopping. Eat breakfast…Maybe Josh knows about a good park in the area. I know he wants to take me fishing. Do I want to do the saline today or tomorrow? If I do it today…well, trying on clothes with the wrong size boobs seems like a bad idea. And shopping always tires me out because of all the people, and the lights, and the colors.

  Maybe tomorrow then?

  He just made the CUTEST little noise! I wish I could’ve recorded it. NmewwUgh, it doesn’t do it justice.

  Until next time.

  --------------------------

  Hello Future Alice,

  Today, I’m watching Josh fish. He seems really focused at the moment, so this seems like a good time to get some writing in. And yesterday was super interesting, so let’s get into it.

  First…I’m not even sure where to begin. Like, there’s Josh, right? But then there’s…other Josh? I don’t know how to say it. It’s like he’s always fighting with himself on which version of himself to be.

  So we went shopping at a mall yesterday and Josh was being his usual cute self while I looked for clothes for myself, but then his mood totally shifted when we went into the lingerie store. It was like he was entranced with the idea of being allowed in the store.

  I remember the first time Jessie took me shopping for a bra even though I was still a brick of a man with absolutely no need for anything. I was incredibly nervous, but also super excited. Josh looked the same way.

  I was trying to keep things casual and only looked at more functional pieces, so he wouldn’t feel uncomfortable, but then he demanded something sexy to wear. Which, how am I going to say no to that?

  I find something that I think would look absolutely stunning on him (especially now that I had some experience with his body) and take him to the dressing room. He was so nervous about trying it on, but I made sure he knew everything was fine.

  And it was MORE than fine. My…Josh is so HOT. I had to shove his clothes back on so I didn’t cause a disturbance in the dressing room. Honestly, I don’t know what got into me. Maybe I should be talking about “other Alice”.

  Anyways, after seeing the potential, I went a little crazy (crazier) and grabbed a bunch more bras and panties that I wanted Josh to try on. Of course, I haven’t gotten the chance to get him to do so yet. We were so tired after shopping and, ahem, spicy time, yesterday. And then we woke up early today for fishing.

  Also…I don’t know. It was super fun and exciting in the moment, but now I feel sort of shitty about the whole thing.

  I got ahead of myself again.

  So, other Josh.

  I figured it would be a waste to not get him some cuter clothes while we were out, so we went to some more stores. And that’s when I met “other Josh”. He suddenly seemed really interested in everything I was doing. He asked me questions about the types of styles and designs. He was way more touchy with me. He even seemed super comfortable with looking at women’s clothes for himself.

  But…it sort of felt like I was shopping with a friend. Does that make sense? Like, it was fun, and I had fun. But…

  Maybe it’s because, whenever I would gnce out of the side of my eye, I’d see him fiddling with the bra. He’d have his face in scowl or he’d look panicked. But when I’d turn around he would snap a smile on his face and be super engaging and assure me nothing was wrong.

  I don’t know if I’m going crazy or what, but, we were walking to the food court and Josh (or “other Josh”?) was trailing behind me. I caught a glimpse of his face in a window without needing to turn my head and it looked like he was straight up gring at me. Like he was angry.

  But then he’s all bubbly and cheerful when we ordered food.

  I tried talking to him when we sat down, but he almost seemed oblivious to everything that had happened. Which…maybe I’m seeing things that aren’t there. He did admit to being uncomfortable with the bra eventually, but he said it was because he’d been wearing it for a long time. Which totally made sense.

  As far as I can tell he’s really sweet, and cute, and happy to be with me. Maybe I’m having trouble accepting that?

  Jessie is always telling me I’m beautiful, and smart, and fun to be around, but I feel like everyone can see what I really am.

  Which only became more relevant st night when, even though I said I didn’t want to do anything, I found myself pinching and twisting Josh’s nipples. Then I started dry humping him. I can’t even bear the thought of him seeing my penis, but there I was, going at it like a freaking pervert.

  And I started doing this voice? I remember feeling super confident and in charge, but I look back at the things I actually said and did and it all feels so cringey and weird. But Josh was loving it! I think…

  I mean, he orgasmed again. So he has to like it. And I liked it…I think. Honestly, I sort of wanted to keep going, but when he ejacuted I suddenly felt this crity in my mind and I felt super self-conscious.

  Maybe I jumped into a retionship too fast? I mean, maybe I’m just horny because I haven’t been with anyone for years.

  Ugh. Of course he had to turn around and smile right now. This cute little….person.

  I think I’m freaking out over nothing.

  -----------------------------

  I am such a scatterbrain.

  I almost missed my flight. I left Josh with a bunch of mess to clean up. I never got to see him in any of the clothes I bought for him. And the stupid saline drip barely even worked.

  I even forgot my intro!

  Ugh

  Hello Future Alice,

  I’m writing something here because staring at the back of this seat for the st…however long it’s been, with my book open feels wrong.

  More staring.

  I know I’m just upset because of the saline. Sure, I almost missed my flight, but I didn’t miss it, so everything is fine. And it’s not like I left that much behind with Josh. He know how dispose of medical stuff anyways. What was I going to do? Sit in the passenger seat while he drove to the proper disposal location?

  And I can always ask for pictures of him in the clothes. Or not. I’m still not sure how to pce him.

  On one hand, it’s pretty clear he’s super submissive. But being submissive isn’t required for being a woman.

  Okay, good brain chemicals coming back as I think about the shower.

  Oh. My. God. That was so much fun. Every time we did spicy stuff, it was clear he enjoyed it. No matter what happens, I need to follow my gut there. Because I think I’m just freaking out over how compatible we are with that stuff.

  I keep slipping into this…sort of… “master mode” (those words feel so gross coming out of my mouth). And now my brain is suggesting that I might be trying to py out some power fantasy because Josh is white. Which, like, maybe? Ugh, I need to talk to Jessie about this.

  First, get my thoughts on paper like we practiced.

  Let’s see, yesterday, after fishing, the shower. I was sort of testing something. I was wondering which version of Josh would come out if I made a ridiculous request like watching him shower. Because, like, what’s the point?

  And he totally flips the script on me by practically begging me to tell him how to take a shower!

  So I tell him to get wet, use shampoo, scrub his body with soap, everything. His shower has one of those detachable heads, so I grabbed it to help him rinse off. The whole time I’m doing this, I feel this…urge inside of me welling up. Having someone just blindly obey me like that…

  So I tell him to bend over and spread his cheeks and he just does it. Like it’s no big deal. I spray water up his ass and I can see him smiling. I tell him to wash his hair more and he just agrees to do it. I drag him around as I dry his hair and he’s just grinning the whole time like…some cute little…ugh!

  I was so pent up by this point, which I bet was this little monster’s goal the whole time, so I drag him to the couch and his penis is at full attention, but I wanted to take my time, so I start with just kissing. And this fucker starts GRINDING ON ME!

  We got interrupted by the pizza guy, so I had to awkwardly hide my massive erection while answering the door (since Josh was literally naked) and the guy would not stop talking. He seemed to be one of Josh’s friends though, so that was kind of cool.

  We watched the Barbie movie and then he took all the photos I wanted. The whole time he was super excited and engaged, but… I don’t know.

  It was like I was with “other Josh” but then also Josh at the same time? Like, I could feel Josh’s presence, so I was horny, but then I felt the extra friendship and comfort of having “other Josh” around.

  Well.

  Like I said, we can talk to Jessie about this and see what she thinks. And I’ll talk to Josh more when I get home. This was only the first trip, and everything feels weird and new because it is weird and new.

  Focus on the facts.

  I have a sexy boyfriend who is a total sub and enjoys the fact that I have a bit of a dom side to me. We are both doing NBE together. I have a lovely best friend who will help me figure out how I feel about everything. …Oh! I see Dr. Thompson next week, so I can talk to him about things too.

  I wonder how long I should wait to try and see Josh again. I’ll have to check if we have some remote-friendly projects coming up. I don’t think Josh’s job has great vacation pns, so him coming up to see me in Canada is unlikely. Plus, who knows what his passport situation is.

  He could have an old one, but I can see a change in his face already, so maybe he would need a new one issued. In which case, he would need to decide on a gender marker and I’m not sure if he’s even ready for that sort of conversation.

  Huh. Now that I think about it. Why would his face and his skin be changing from NBE?

  Yeah. I’m looking at the photos from the Discord and one of the photos from the trip. His skin is definitely different. His hair is a bit darker and longer. Okay, I mean, it’s not like he’s a completely different person, but there’s definitely something else going on beyond NBE. At least, beyond the stuff we’re doing.

  Maybe, he’s using this as an excuse to try hormones for the first time? Or he’s been on hormones already and he’s using NBE as a way to boost the effects? Or…

  Later. I will think about this ter.

  Until next time future me. Which is to say tomorrow. (how many times am I going to use that joke?)