The idea of death never gets any easier. One day a person is there and the next, they aren’t. It’s exponentially more difficult when that person is a foundational part of your life. What happens to a house when you destroy a load bearing column or even destroy the foundation?

  I’ve only truly lost two people in my life who meant something to me, but I’ve grieved many more than just those two. Sometimes, having to abandon or be abandoned by people you love can hurt more than actual death. At least when people die, they are truly gone, and most times not of their choosing. On the other hand, when people walk away from you for a reason such as being gay, that can sometimes hurt worse. They chose to leave your life. They chose to walk away. You must grieve the loss of a person who willingly left your life, and that hurts deeply.

  Now I stand here on the precipice fearing that I may again have to grieve another person.

  Avis lies in the bed at my side and still hasn’t woken up. We stopped the external bleeding, but without an X-Ray we have no way of knowing if there is any internal bleeding or the knife hit any vital organs. The idea of magic is extremely exciting, but now sitting here without modern technology is the first time I actually miss it. A hospital and a surgeon would be nice.

  “We should go after Trevor.” I mumble, which is immediately followed by a sharp pain radiating up my right arm. Upon my declaration Madison shoved my fractured arm.

  “Point taken.” I say through gritted teeth. The pain of her shoving my arm eventually subsides, but it doesn’t stop hurting entirely. The fun of having fractured your hand and several bones in your arm basically leaves you with omnipresent pain. Even I know that the only way to truly heal a fracture is with time. My arm is wrapped up and immobile, so it should be healed in a few weeks.

  “For now we need to focus on Avis.” Madison has been spending her time reading through the Pilgrimage of Lucias trying to gain as much information on the Arcana as possible during our downtime.

  Dardania is sitting on the opposite side of the bed from me, her head next to Avis’s and she is fast asleep. She has refused to leave his side and get some rest, but after a while she eventually fell asleep from exhaustion. I couldn’t see her face prior to then but I’m pretty sure she cried herself to sleep.

  “The Saint killed their parents.” I say, Madison snapping her head up from the book to look at me.

  “Really? What the fuck?”

  “Yeah, Avis told me about it yesterday. He claimed he was cleansing them for the sin of abandoning their children. It’s pretty fucked up if you ask me.”

  “So, all they have left is each other.” Madison looks down at them, tears welling up in her eyes but not enough to fall.

  “Really is sick timing for this. I’m sure the Saint had no idea about Trevor.” I take a towel and gently wipe Avis’s face, making sure he doesn’t get too hot or too cold. I didn’t know what else to do for him. All I can do is just sit here and watch.

  “Probably not, but now the loss of either of them would be more devastating. That much he knew.” Madison leans back in her chair, reopens the book, and stares at it. It’s obvious that she is lost in thought and not even reading anything. After a few moments, she opens her mouth to speak.

  “That man has the nerve to call himself a Saint. There is nothing saintly about him.”

  The words hang heavy in the air. She was right, there was nothing saintly about him. The definition of the word that I’m accustomed to describes someone who has done some great deed. Something to heal or help the world, not actively destroy it.

  Some would argue that by ridding the world of sinners, you are making it a better place, but what does it actually solve? Rather than people being good for goodness sake, they are good because they fear death or eternal damnation. Wouldn’t the righteous thing to do be to figure out a way to heal the world? Show people how they have done wrong and how they can improve upon that?

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  By killing people for being sinners, you are merely taking one sin and committing another under the guise of solving it. But by doing so, the harm you are putting out into the world is arguably larger than the original sin.

  Take Avis for instance, had he been cleansed in the camp, the harm that that action would bring would be immense. His sister would mourn his death, as would his parents in the hypothetical that they didn’t turn him in. Their grief would have a drastic affect on everyone that cared about them. This darkness and grief would ripple outward into the world in ways that no one would be able to anticipate. So, to rid the world of one sinner now has harmed a countless number of people. How is that better? How is that holy?

  Back home wasn’t any better though. Rather than people being cleansed, you had the death penalty and prison sentences. I never understand how that was supposed to make the world a better place. Hammurabi’s Code was abandoned ages ago because it was viewed as too extreme, yet our modern day system was just a variation of that.

  But I knew the truth, it was about control. It was the same with The Order. The beliefs that create their list of sins may be genuine, but the consequences of breaking those tenements aren’t. Rather than people being able to make mistakes and learn and grow, they fear the consequences of those actions. But, it also makes them fear speaking up and acting out. Don’t question the Order lest you be accused of being a sinner and be cleansed. They claim that the Arcana are sinners because they dare to walk where gods walk, but how is that any different than the saint? Or any of the Touched who carry one of the Major Arcana cards? Or literally any other person in this world who wields magic? Magic was common place and is that not walking where gods walked?

  Sitting and contemplating on all of this wouldn’t make any difference though, because changing the world isn’t that simple. The Order has planted it’s roots into the world and trying to dig them up would be virtually impossible. Toppling them would also be virtually impossible. Even if you eradicate the Saint himself and the structure of the Order, it won’t destroy people’s faith, which is why the idea is so powerful.

  Why rule the world with an iron fist when you can rule it with faith. Create a belief system where people follow a set of rules and people will make that part of the foundation of who they are and then it becomes extremely difficult to overthrow.

  “Ugh, I don’t see how this is possible?” I let out an exasperated sigh.

  Unfortunately I wake Dardania from her slumber and she slowly raises her head. She gently rubs her eyes as she looks at me confused.

  “What are you talking about?” She mumbles as she tries to clear her eyes.

  “I’m sorry, didn’t mean to wake you up. Just working through some stuff in my mind.” Honestly, I didn’t mean to vent my frustrations out loud. Seeing Avis like this has me all kinds of conflicted. On one hand I want to go out and beat the fuck out of Trevor, but on the other hand I don’t know how we can solve all of this and I don’t want to risk anyone’s life in the process. There really isn’t any good answer to this.

  “It’s fine. I’ve slept enough I think. How’s he doing?” Dardania pulls her hair back into a ponytail and pulls the blanket back to check the bandages on Avis.

  “Bout the same.” I mutter looking down at him wishing he’d wake up.

  “So what’s the problem?” Dardania asks as she starts taking off the bandages and replacing them with clean ones?

  “Just working through how to solve all of our problems and don’t see how.”

  “Well, being negative won’t solve them either.” Dardania says matter of fact. She stops working with the bandages and just stares at me.

  “I just—”

  “It won’t. At all.” She continues cleaning Avis up, throws out the old bandages, and places new ones on the wound before covering him back up. “Everything is already difficult enough and being negative about what the future holds won’t make it any easier. Life isn’t some big problem you have to solve. We don’t have any answer on how to stop the Order or catch Trevor, well we will find one. Where there is a problem, there is a solution. That much I do know. So, be hopeful instead.”

  Dardania takes the wash cloth and begins cleaning the rest of Avis up. She does so with a gentle smile on her face.

  “He’s still alive. I’m not going to sign his death notice while that is still the case.”

  I don’t know how she does it. She has stared death, and hell, in the face and yet she somehow still stays positive. Her brother is lying before her in a coma after being stabbed in the chest, and she still stays positive. If anyone was a Saint in this world, it would be her.

  “I’ll do my best. I promise.” She smiles softly, I can’t help but to do the same. Many other people in my world may have died, or I grieved them, but not right now. Everyone that stands before me is still alive, and very much in my life. I’m not going to prematurely grieve someone who isn’t dead. I need to focus on the positive and what I’m physically capable of doing. As long as it’s not with my right hand.

  Madison stomps her feet against the ground as she leans back forward in her chair.

  “I know how to help Avis!” Madison shouts.