Chapter 37

  I didn’t give a rat’s ass how the hell I ended up like Annie Lionheart. What bugged me more was that suffocating to death isn’t exactly a picnic. But, weirdly enough, I wasn’t destined to croak today. The crystal around my head suddenly evaporated. Sweet… Now I’m a head straight out of Futurama. I’ll be hell’s first blogger—unless some pervert here’s already into… Stop! Don’t think about it! Wipe that memory, stat! Why does my imagination keep fucking with my mental health?

  One of the demons dismounted. He looked unimpressive and tired. Plain gray cloak on his shoulders. Smallish, by demon standards. Short, straight horns and a face slightly paler than the others. Compared to the badass demons still on their horses, he was like a hobo.

  - Who the hell are you? – He asked, surprisingly without hostility.

  - Ugh… I’m so fucking tired of this shit…

  - What?

  - Never mind…

  - Hm… Alright, but you still gotta answer. For some reason, I really want to kill you, and I haven’t felt bloodlust in over a thousand years.

  - Too lazy to answer.

  - I get it… But if you don’t, I’ll stop holding back.

  - You mean killing me?

  - Yup.

  - Go for it, cowboy. Being a fish ain’t bad either.

  - A fish?

  - Yeah, you swim in the sea, no worries, no scuba gear. When I was a kid, I dreamed of breathing underwater.

  - Why?

  - Almost drowned in a lake once. So… And you know, no creature’s freer than a fish. Except the ones in aquariums. Visited my uncle once—he had a big aquarium. Some fish in there, don’t remember what kind. I watched them and got sad. Everyone talks about birds when it comes to freedom, but I think of those empty fish eyes, full of despair. They kept staring out. While I looked at them, they looked at me. They bashed their heads against the glass, not getting what was happening. Like they were asking: What the fuck, bro? Why’s our endless world now the size of a tiny box?

  - What’s an aquarium?

  - It’s a see-through tank with water where fish swim.

  - What’s it for?

  - Dunno… For beauty, I guess. People like looking at them. They’re pretty.

  - People? Interesting. Gotta try that… – The demon waved his hand, and a clear crystal box formed from thin air. – This work?

  - Mmm… Yeah. Just needs water and fish. Maybe some seaweed, pebbles…

  - Riz. – The hobo called one of the demons.

  - Yes, sir? – He replied.

  - Here’s your permit. Take the aquarium and get me some fish.

  - No! No! No! Hold up! It’s not that simple! You need aquarium fish. They’re not easy to find! But I know where to look! And… and… the water’s super important, the tank’s bottom, seaweed, food…

  - So spill. – The hobo cut me off.

  - Can’t explain it all. I’m no Hemingway. Easier if I go with him.

  - I don’t even know who you are.

  - Just a regular, low-key demon who got screwed over by some cruel, unfunny bullying.

  - Lying?

  - Swear on my mom! And what kinda question is that, “Lying?” Why would I admit to lying right after lying?

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  - Fair point, that’s dumb. Alright, let’s check out the city. Then we’ll deal with you.

  The demon hopped back on his stallion and led his crew in the right direction.

  - Wait! You don’t get how gorgeous fish are! Way more important than this damn city! What’s so interesting there? Fish, they just… swim around, eat food, and…

  - Move it. – The boss cut me off coldly.

  - Apologies, sir. – Riz spoke up. – But the Lord forbade leaving hell.

  - Oh… Right. You’ll go another time.

  My last flicker of hope flipped me off, as expected. Not like I had high hopes. Wonder what’s next? They kill me, or back to torture? This crew’s giving me some nasty looks. Feels like I wandered into the wrong hood. Only the boss stayed chill. He gave off the vibe of an old impotent dude in a brothel.

  My cubic armor suddenly flipped, setting me upright. No way to move or shake it off. It hugged every curve from my chin to my heels. Then a big chunk at the bottom vanished, freeing my legs, and I felt the full weight of this damn suit.

  - Keep up. – The hobo tossed at me, strolling off calmly.

  Yeah… Like it’s that easy. I dragged my noodle legs, trying not to lag behind the only demons not itching to gut me. Now and then, locals peeked from corners, but spotting my escort, they bolted. After a bit, we hit the square where guts still dangled from roofs, not yet cooled. Besides the corpse of the former boss, fucking Kserox was there to greet us.

  - Ash?

  - Yo, Ksaf. Care to explain what the fuck’s going on here? Why the pile of corpses, and why aren’t you chained to a post?

  - I stopped a coup! That bastard was plotting against the Lord. – Ksafraks pointed at Ksiron’s corpse.

  - And you killed him?

  - He was a filthy traitor. All accusations against me were lies. It was his plan from the start.

  - And now he’s dead and can’t defend himself… Convenient.

  - Hold up! I didn’t kill him. That ugly demon did! He needs to die, now! Hand him over! (Knew it—setups everywhere.)

  - I’m the ugly one? You’re the one with… – Shit, almost slipped. – Look, he’s lying! Don’t believe him! He’s got someone’s ear stuck in his teeth. That’s proof, one hundred percent!

  - Everyone here can back me up. – Ksaf countered.

  - Hey… That true? – Ash asked me.

  - Well… Kinda, but…

  - Kill him now! – Ksaf shouted.

  - Shut it. – Ash replied. – Something’s bugging me. Why do I want to kill you so bad? Something happen after you did it?

  - Actually, we took him out together.

  - Lies!

  - Shut up already.

  - Probably ‘cause I had to kill a few demons to sort out the conflict.

  - How many?

  - Just a few…

  - Number.

  - Uhmm…

  - Over five hundred! – Someone yelled from behind.

  - Five hundred? – Ash raised an eyebrow.

  - Maybe one or two more.

  - Riz! – Ash called his underling again.

  - Yes, sir?

  - How many demons you killed in your life?

  - Including doggos: one hundred thirty-eight thousand four hundred eighteen.

  - What? – Ash turned to him, floored. – You counted them all?

  - Yes.

  - Hm… Alright… Whatever. This is weird… – Ash got lost in thought.

  - So why’re you here, Ash? The Lord send you? – Ksafraks asked impatiently. – Does he know what happened?

  - Yeah… – Ash was still distracted, barely listening.

  - So he wants to make me general again, like before?

  - Uh-huh… – Ash clearly wasn’t paying attention.

  - Yes! I always believed in His Majesty’s justice! Finally free of those vile, false accusations! From now on, my loyalty to the Lord is unshakable. Let’s celebrate my return and kill this pathetic freak!

  - Kill him! – The demons roared. – Death! Death! Death!

  - Hand him over, Ash!

  - Huh? What? – The hobo snapped out of it.

  - I said, give us this freak and let’s celebrate my return!

  - Return to what?

  - To general… – Ksafraks quieted down.

  - Oh… Sure. – Ash raised his hand, and a cubic crystal formed around Ksafraks, leaving only his head free, like mine.

  - What? What’s this supposed to mean? – The demon protested.

  - Uh… The Lord ordered me to sort this out, but I’m too damn lazy. I’ll say everyone was dead when I got here.

  - What?! – Ksaf wasn’t thrilled, nor were the demons around. Those further back were already sneaking off.

  - Sir. – Riz piped up.

  - What, Riz?

  - I made a mistake.

  - Where?

  - I said I killed one hundred thirty-eight thousand four hundred eighteen demons.

  - And?

  - Forgot the ones I killed yesterday. It’s actually one hundred thirty-eight thousand four hundred forty-two.

  - Uh… Good job…

  - You monsters! This ain’t right! Ash, you bastard, let me go! Fight fair! I’ll show you who’s the real general! – Ksafraks thrashed, trying to break his prison. He bashed his head, bit the crystal—nothing worked. He called his minions, but they were already bailing. He was totally at Ash’s mercy. The hobo stood, arms crossed, when a lightbulb went off in his head.

  - That’s it! I get it… Thanks, Ksaf. – Ash perked up.

  - For what? – Ksaf asked, confused.

  - For calling us monsters.

  - You’re welcome…

  - If you hadn’t, I wouldn’t have thought: You’re one to talk, pretty boy. Then I noticed…

  - Noticed what, sir? – Riz asked.

  Ash froze my legs again and stepped closer. He studied me. Now I felt awkward.

  - The resemblance.

  He ripped off my mask with a grin. At that epic moment, pure, unfiltered fuckery swept the city. Like the gods of what-the-fuck descended to hell and blessed everyone present. The fuckery was so thick you could cut it with a knife. The word “human” stuck in everyone’s throats. Only one demon across from me smirked ominously.

  - You lied to me. – He said.

  - Yeah, well, what else was I supposed to do?

  - Fair enough.

  - He’s been human this whole time?! – Ksafraks was the most shocked.

  - Not human… But not a demon either…

  - Then what is he? – The general pressed.

  - Wait, I was gonna kill you… – Ash remembered, and in that instant, shot a sharp crystal into Ksafraks’s head. – Riz, guys… The rest are yours. Just, please, don’t count them, just kill.

  - Got it, sir.

  - Now you… Very interesting specimen… So, who the hell are you?