Chapter 30

  When will this hell finally end? I’m so fucking tired. Why’s walking so hard? My legs feel like they’re filled with lead. Barely got the strength to take a step. Oh… Got it. I’m dreaming. A lucid dream, not always as cool as you’d think. What am I doing here? Right. Looking for some stone. Where do I even start? There’s a shit-ton of rocks around. How do I know which one’s the right one? Does it glow or something? But… It’s all pointless. Why kid myself? The stone’s definitely with the lord of all hell. And, from what I gather, they’re slowly destroying it to break the gate’s magic. So, the question is: what do I do? Show altruism worthy of starting a new religion and steal the stone, risking falling back into the demons’ tender hands? Or say fuck it and wait twenty years to crawl out into God’s world with hordes of bloodthirsty demons? Usually, I’d pick option three – go back to sleep. But I’m already asleep.

  - Oh, that’s no problem at all. A dream within a dream…

  - Leonardo DiCaprio, go fuck yourself.

  - What if I told you…

  - Fuck off! Don’t wanna hear shit from you. And stop squinting like that.

  - Come on. Think about it: the world’s on the brink of doom, and you’re the only one who can stop it.

  - I don’t give a shit about this world.

  - It’s like The Lord of the Rings. A random chain of events, and a bunch of random people stopped a catastrophe. What if you’re destined to be the hero who saves the world?

  - Those bastards sold me to a torture pit. Why the fuck should I save them?

  - What, they all just ganged up and sold you? Picture this: that cute girl who had a crush on you getting eaten by those monsters. How’s that image?

  - That’s unlikely as hell. In twenty years, she’d probably die in childbirth or from some plague.

  - Fine, but there are thousands like her. Don’t you feel sorry for them at all?

  - Shut your trap! What can I even do? I’m not Keanu Reeves. I don’t have a stone to carry to some doomed mountain. I don’t even have a sketch of the damn thing!

  - Doesn’t matter. First, you gotta step onto the path of struggle. Then fate will carry you to the finish line, like a fallen leaf on a stream of creation.

  - What’re you babbling about… What fucking fate? You actually believe that crap? Prophecies, destinies… That’s for little girls.

  - I disagree. The future can be predicted. If you know the coordinates, speed, direction, and trajectory of every particle in the universe at a given moment, you can model the future. Laplace’s Demon…

  - So what? Our future’s our own. It depends on our choices.

  - And what do our choices depend on? They’re part of the same system. Years of the system shaping your preferences, your worldview, and so on. When you “choose,” it’s just a predictable chain of neural impulses always leading to the same result. If you could time-travel and offer someone, say, a choice of a hundred ice creams, they’d pick the same one every time. Choice is an illusion. We just learn it at a certain point. It’s shaped by a complex, ordered system of seemingly random events called life. A causal chain that started after the Big Bang. Or even before.

  - So you can’t do shit anyway. No point clinging to prophecies. Those who make them aren’t Laplace’s Demons. Besides, if one exists, why share its knowledge? That’d create paradoxes.

  - Like everything in the universe, it follows its laws. It, like us, only learns its choice.

  - Alright, Hawking, what’s next?

  - No clue, but even the unlikeliest event can happen, get it? What can happen, will. But if you don’t aim for a miracle, you’ll never find it.

  - Hold up… Hold up… Where the fuck have I heard this crap before…

  - What?

  - The creation stream bullshit. It’s… Douglas Adams! You’re the one driving, huh?! Pissed they canceled Dirk Gently after season two, so you decided to cook up season three in hell? Should’ve shoved less LGBTQ in it.

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  - Pfft… You’re something else. Seriously? Thanks for the compliment, but if I were him, you’d be a pot of petunias.

  - There you go, you prick…

  - Nah, dude, I warned you about the fourth wall, so…

  - What’s happening? Earthquake?

  - Not quite. It’s my trusty legion of XXL zombie fag-demons, hidden right where you’re standing.

  - What the fuck?...

  - Oh, you’ve probably figured out what the XXL stands for.

  - Thousands of them just chilling underground?... Standing… Whatever, this is fucked!

  - Oh, it’s beyond fucked. These are modified demon zombies. They don’t need brains—they need something else. I call them: Energizers.

  - Bitch…

  - Haha. Know why?

  - I can guess.

  - ‘Cause they’re undead, got it? Their stamina’s endless. They… Haha… They never stop! Haha! Get it? Energizers! HAHAHA!

  - …

  - …

  - …

  Fuck… Gotta do something about these nightmares. Might as well stop sleeping. That was the scariest dream of my life. Too many dicks. Freud would say… He’d hang himself trying to psychoanalyze me. All that latent state crap—it’s bullshit. I’m 100% sure I don’t want a cock up my ass. I’m straight as fuck. Shit, my head’s splitting. How much did I drink yesterday? Holy fuck… Half a barrel. Damn, I’m a demon. Don’t remember shit. I was talking to someone, I think. Who?... Something about a stone. No clue. Probably a dream too. Gotta sober up.

  Grabbing the barrel, I realized a shitty fact: I’m missing a finger. Not hard to guess where it went. Looking around, I saw about ten doggo corpses. Also, Barsik, hitched to the cart, still alive. Fuck, I’m not digging through their stomachs… There’s one demon who could regrow it.

  So: I’m officially done with this shitty location’s exit. Time to find another. Or ride…

  With kitty, moving was easier, but not pleasant. Tech marvels like springs or shocks were forbidden secret magic here. I stopped three times with my hangover to bless the local roads with my puke. Still, better to ride poorly than walk well across hell’s plains. Ksiron’s dark armor sat quietly in the cart. Figured it’d help me gain his trust. In this mask, he won’t recognize me. He won’t even suspect a human slipped into his ranks. After some serious ass-kissing, I might score that dream ticket out. Doubt this exit ban will last long.

  But there’s another way out. The one I came through—summoning. Vaer said the lord himself assigns demons to that magic. So, Ksiron’s in charge of handling outside orders. How Vaer ended up one of them is a mystery. Guess the lord’s not too picky about his job.

  I like this option better. Summoning only works from outside. Same for sending someone here. So, humans hold the keys. No clue how these two hostile races struck a deal, but facts are facts. Demons don’t attack their summoners—bad for business. In return, they can demand rewards, like materials for healing practice or whatever. One demon can’t do much harm to humans anyway. From what I get, a summoned demon’s power depends on the summoner’s. No chance someone summons the demon king.

  So, a long-game spy-thriller plan sparked in my head. Nothing to lose. If it goes south, I can always off myself.

  I headed back where I came from. It’s the only route I know. In Dapaedi, I’ll hopefully find Ksiron’s location. Gotta avoid that healer, though. Might need a new mask. Not thrilled about explaining what happened to his dear friend Nimus.

  I rode for days, occasionally killing lone doggos for fun. Then a familiar sight appeared on the horizon. The urban village of Dapaedi. What a dumb name. Who even came up with it? But things weren’t as usual. A few hundred meters from the town, a crowd of demons gathered. I was scared shitless. What’s this? A rally? A sacrifice? A sacrificial rally? Against utility prices? Fuck… My knees shook. Shit… I gotta go there. I have to. It’ll be fine… It’ll be fine… Who am I kidding? I clenched my balls and rode toward them.

  Getting closer, I saw about a thousand demons, split into groups, chattering intensely. Nobody paid me much attention. No surprise. Bodies littered the ground. Bloodstains and scattered weapons. A battle happened here. From one side came wild screams of pain. Wounded demons were being carried there. Two options popped into my head: they’re either healing them or eating them alive. Didn’t wanna find out, so to avoid running into a certain healer, I headed the other way.

  - Elon!? – Fuck… Picked the wrong direction. Aiden stood right in front of me.

  - Yo… Hey. Uh… What happened here?

  - A lot. – He replied grimly. – The lord banned leaving hell. Guess those rumors I spread reached him.

  - I mean here.

  - They reached Ksiron too. He wanted to know who’s spreading them. He’s still looking for you. So he showed up here. Wanted to wipe out all witnesses for good. He arrived a few days ago and started a total purge. Lots of demons didn’t like that. They already hated him, but now they’re outright hostile. Word spread among demons to bring Ksafraks back to his rightful place. So we formed a resistance, but we had to flee the city. Ksiron had more forces. Then, out of nowhere, reinforcements came from other towns. Turns out, we’re not alone. Now we’ve got Dapaedi under siege. A few hours ago, we tried storming it, but no luck. Mid-battle, Ksiron said he’d kill Ksafraks if we didn’t back off. So we did.

  - What? Why? You care about him that much?

  - After all the time we tortured him, he’s like family. We won’t abandon him. (Okaaay… Let’s say that’s normal here.)

  - So you wanna save your torture toy?

  - He’s better than that prick. We want him back as general.

  - Aren’t you worried he’ll fuck you all up?

  - Ksafraks? Nah. He’s not the vengeful type.

  - How long did you torture him?

  - Well…

  - No, don’t tell me. I don’t wanna know… Better tell me, if I do him a favor, will he return the gesture?

  - For sure. What do you have in mind?

  - I think I know how to save him.

  - Really? No doubt then. He’ll shower you with gold. Look, I’ve got a ton of wounded to deal with. Let’s talk in the infirmary. I was heading there.

  - Alright. – I replied. In my head, puzzle pieces started forming a picture of me heroically saving a demon’s ass and getting out. Piece by piece, a plan came together. Step one… Step one… Lost in thought, I climbed off the cart and turned toward the bloodcurdling screams.

  - Where you going? – Aiden asked.

  - What? Isn’t the infirmary that way?

  - No, that’s where they’re eating enemy demons. We’re going the other way.