Terry’s consciousness slid back into his body in the same way a child would slide into a desk in a classroom full of bullies. It had taken some serious knocks lately. The first thing he noticed was comfort. Soft. Bed. He was in a bed. Hand. Someone’s hand. He squeezed it.

  “D.” He said, his throat dry.

  “I’m here.” He heard her say in a whisper. He felt her squeeze his hand back. He heard a car pass somewhere outside. Civilization. Delores was here and they were safe.

  Finally, he opened his eyes. It was dark in whatever room he was in. The sun was setting outside the single window and he could barely make out details of the room. It was a girl's room though. Or decorated like a traditional girl's room. He turned and saw Delores looking at him and smiling. She looked exhausted.

  “Where are we?” he asked.

  The smile faltered for a moment before she answered.

  “Safe. -ish.” She said. “We’re out of Louisiana. We’re back in Mississippi. I didn’t want to risk driving you to Raymond in your condition after what happened.”

  “What DID happen?” He had very few memories except something about lightning and feeling a part of something massive for a moment.

  “You said smite while holding a magic sword. You wiped out the entire population of Dans la Bouche.”

  He tried to sit up, but he didn’t quite have the strength yet. His head fell back. It would come back, he knew.

  “Rachel?” he asked. He prepared himself for the worst.

  “She’s fine. She wasn’t even hurt. She told me to thank you when you woke up. She’s free. You did great.” She leaned over and kissed his forehead.

  “I don’t know why I’m so wiped out.” He said as she passed him a glass of water from a nightstand.

  “Actually, we have to talk about that.” She said. She raised her hand, made a gesture, and said a word. He watched as the sickening purple of magic ran down in a dome shape from above them, like water running down an umbrella.

  “What’s wrong?” he said, suddenly nervous.

  “I’ve made us private. This is a Circle of Silence. No one outside it can hear us, you understand? It’s just you and me. It's safe to say anything here.” She gave him a very meaningful look, and he nodded.

  “How long have you known you can use magic, Terry?”

  He felt the yawning pit in his insides open again and it swallowed all joy and calm. He wanted to take a diving leap through the window, but he felt too weak to walk far even if he could get up. Let alone jump out a window. This felt like a second story room, anyway. No sense in risking it. Delores gave him a serious look.

  “You told me and Elton no secrets. Well, I’ve tried to live by that with you. Your respect is extremely important to me, but you’ve been sitting on the biggest secret of all. I’ve respected the fact that you obviously are not comfortable with it, but now it’s threatening to kill you. We can’t avoid it. We HAVE to talk about it. Now.”

  Terry swallowed.

  “Seriously?” he asked, and she nodded.

  “You made a vow, not just to me, but on me. You swore you would try to survive. I know that you have no experience with this thing you do. I’m not blaming you, but what you’re doing is extremely dangerous and I won’t let you die from ignorance.”

  Terry sat for a moment with all of this. This was it. The one topic to never be said aloud. Ernest hadn’t forbade him from discussing it. He hadn’t had to. It was understood. But if there was one person he could trust, one person he knew beyond a shadow of a doubt would keep this between them, it was Delores. If he couldn’t trust her, then the world wasn’t worth being in. She deserved to hear it.

  “It’s hard not to know you’re using magic when you’re leaping around, and lifting trees and farm equipment when you’re a kid.”

  She nodded.

  “Do you know which of your parents was a magic user? There’s always one.” Delores asked softly. Her thumb rubbed the back of his hand.

  “Probably my mom. When Ernest first suggested I find a mage, I told him dad didn’t have one. He implied I was wrong about that.” He shook his head. “No one talked about mom. Ever. Her being a mage is probably why. Dad’s vows, them possibly taking her to become a cleric. I don't know, but it just makes sense.”

  Delores looked at him sadly. He needed to talk to her about those looks, but another time.

  “I swear.” She said with a smile. “You Lingal boys. Just can’t stay outta mages, can you?”

  Terry turned beet red. Delores laughed at his blushing and seemed delighted. He grinned. He thought he’d dress like a clown if he could hear that laugh again.

  “She must have been strong.” Delores said, once she was done.

  “Why do you say that?” Terry asked, a certain wariness in him.

  “Terry,” she said, “do you remember I told you we’re graded on a scale of one to ten?”

  He nodded.

  “Well, after three, the gap between levels widens. It takes longer and is more difficult to reach each level. Like, the difference between five and six is huge. Between nine and ten is mind boggling.”

  “Makes sense.” He said. Then he connected their discussion points. “D? What am I?”

  She sighed.

  “I don’t know. I can’t tell you without testing. I would have taken you to Taz and had you checked, but I don’t want you anywhere near the records. I trust Taz, but all the Circle of the Greenman would have to do is open his books and there you’d be unless I asked him to possibly get in trouble. I don’t want him called back to Kingsport.”

  He squeezed her hand at that. A small something to be thankful for.

  “What I CAN do,” she continued, “is get an idea of how much capacity you have compared to me.”

  There was a silence.

  “And?” he asked.

  “And,” she said, “you are terrifying, Terry. When you did whatever you did in Dans la Bouche I felt your capacity and it was like standing on the edge of the Grand Canyon. Frankly, it doesn’t seem fair. You don’t even want it.”

  That was a shock. Not just the implication of his abilities, but her admitting to jealousy. He felt miserable. She was right. He DIDN’T want this. He just wanted to help people. This had just become a way to do so. This should have been hers. She'd been cheated, he thought.

  “I’m sorry.” He said.

  She gave him a flat stare.

  “Don’t start that. We haven’t gotten to me angry yet. Save your apologies for when, and if, we get there.”

  He nodded, suddenly nervous.

  “What you’re doing, Terry, is Brute Forcing. Magic, for mages, involves taking mana and using spells and rituals to attune it into something close to what we need it for. I take in mana and attune it to flame to throw a fireball. Make sense so far?”

  “Yeah.” This was the first he’d heard of it. He was surprised there was a logic to magic.

  “What you’re doing,” she said, “is taking massive amounts of raw mana, forcing your will on it, and making it do what you want without any coaxing. We call it Brute Forcing. It’s a thing of wizards.”

  “You’ve mentioned wizards before.” He said, interested.

  “Unlicensed magic users. Well, there’s not really a license, but there are informal agreements that mages govern most of them. Clerics, well, you know about them. Wizards are magic users that just kinda go their own way with things. They don’t care about rules or spells. The Circle watches for them. They have to be kept an eye on. They're dangerous.”

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  She rolled her eyes suddenly.

  “They used to be called Chaos Magicians but then those wizarding books came out and gave everyone stupid ideas. Chaos Magician sounds so much cooler.”

  Terry had no idea what books she meant so he nodded politely.

  “Anyway, you’re forcing the magic, which tires you out. You're fighting the magic when you use it and you’re constantly casting spells to augment your strength, speed, and jumping. You’re healing is accelerated, too which I have no idea how you’re doing. You’re also doing this “all or nothing” thing.”

  Terry felt cold. THIS he understood with a sudden horror.

  “I’m using it all at once, aren’t I?” he said. “And that’s bad, isn’t it?”

  She nodded.

  “Very. Every living thing has a little bit of mana in them. All of us. It’s how we’re alive. Before the Awakening it was nearly the only mana in the world. Well, when you use your mana for things, you literally use nearly ALL your mana. Even that little bit that keeps you alive, that keeps you real. You are literally using your life force.”

  He swallowed at the implications.

  “I’m killing myself.”

  She nodded.

  “Again, I’m not blaming you. You didn’t know. No one told you. There was no way for you to know. But, like I said, I won’t let you die from ignorance.”

  “D,” he began, “I don’t want to be a mage. I’m training to be a knight. If I train in magic, they might find me and make me a cleric and then I won’t-”

  “Terry.”

  He shut up. When he didn’t say anything else, she continued.

  “I’m going to give you some very simple exercises to work on every day. All they are is a way to learn control. They’re VERY simple. You can do them on Thunder while you're driving. All they are is a way to learn to draw mana in and then let it bleed out at a rate you control. It’s like breathing. We call it Bleeding because modern mages are edge-lords. You’ll be able to do what you do without draining yourself. Eventually.”

  Terry sat silent for a long time. Being in bed like this, with her holding his hand and talking about things to keep him alive made him feel like he was dying from something. He could imagine his father by his mother’s side in the hospital going through something very similar. He was doing that to her.

  “I really have to do this, don’t I?” he said finally.

  “Terry, I know how uncomfortable this makes you. I’ve gone as long as I can stand without talking about it. I care about you too much to let you keep hurting yourself. Especially if there’s something I can do to help you.”

  Terry lowered his head.

  “I don’t want to do this.” He said. She opened her mouth to argue, but he interrupted. “BUT, I know this is important. Like you said, I took a vow to survive for you.”

  She colored at that.

  “I will, D.”

  He lifted her hand and kissed it lightly. She closed her eyes and let out a deep sigh.

  “Thank you.” She said. “I've worried about this for days. I had no idea how you'd react. I’m proud of you.”

  He knew he was blushing from the way she grinned.

  “After New Orleans a little thing like that can still make you blush? Good. I was hoping you’d still be easy to tease.” she said.

  “Delores?” he asked, “You said we were “safe-ish”. Where am I?”

  The smile slid off her face and she looked nervous.

  “Bay St. Louis. My parent’s house.”

  He felt his eyes go wide.

  “Why here, of all places?” He never would have imagined she’d bring him here.

  “Because I needed a place I knew would be free, safe, and away from prying eyes asking why an Errant Apprentice needed near constant mana infusions.” She said, daring him to say something.

  “Your father?” he asked.

  “Dad’s out of town at a conference for a few days.” She said. “We lucked out on that. Mom’s been helping me and Elton keep an eye on you the last two days. She figured out how to get broth down you.”

  He thought his eyes might pop out on springs.

  “Two days? I’ve been out for two days?!”

  “I told you. You nearly killed yourself, Terry. I thought I was going to lose you. I nearly DID lose you. I’ve been pouring mana into you between meals and naps trying to keep you alive and-”

  “Come here.” He said, a lump in his throat, and he managed to scoot over in the bed.

  She got up and sat on the bed as he managed to sit up with only a bit of difficulty. Some of his strength was returning. As soon as he was vertical, he grabbed her in a bear hug. She seemed to melt into his chest. She really was exhausted. She’d sat there and kept him alive for two days. Jesus. He closed his eyes and held her tightly.

  “Delores Cody, I don’t know that I deserve you.” He whispered to the top of her head.

  “It’s not about deserve. You don’t have to earn me.” She murmured.

  For a long while he didn’t say anything. He didn’t know if there was anything he could say or do to repay an act like what she’d done for him. She already had everything he could give her. He thought she did, at any rate.

  “My mother,” she mumbled into his chest, “is making meatloaf right now. And a bunch of sides. She wants to meet the man I dragged home and stuck in my bed.”

  He looked around and now he could see it. There was a layer of punk rock aesthetic painted over fashion doll pink. Who she really was imposed over what was expected of her. He squeezed her. He’d never thought he’d see who she was perfectly represented in home decor.

  “I have no idea how I can thank you, Delores.” He whispered into her ear.

  “Stay alive.” She whispered back. He kissed the top of her head.

  “That, I think I can do.” He smiled. “You need a nap.”

  She looked up at him.

  “My mom is expecting us down stairs.”

  “She’s still cooking?” he asked.

  “Yeah.”

  “She doesn’t know I’m awake?” he asked smiling more.

  “No, but-”

  Terry started to lay back down, still clutching Delores to him tightly.

  “Then your mother doesn’t care if you lay down with me and take a nap. You’re exhausted and it’s my fault. She can wait an hour.”

  “But-”

  “AND,” he added, “you’ve set up a spell where no one can hear you call for help. No mother, no Elton, no Thunder. You are going to lay down with me and get some rest. No arguments.”

  She put up no struggle. She WAS tired. She curled up with him and let out a deep sigh as he held her close. She’d save his life. He didn’t want to ever let her go.

  “I missed you so much.” She said into his neck.

  “I am so sorry, Delores. I’ll try and do better.”

  “I know you will.” She said quietly. Her breathing slowed and Terry realized she was already asleep.

  As much as he wanted to just enjoy holding Delores, Terry felt terrible. He was hurting her doing what he was doing. When he'd sworn to protect her, and Elton, from harm, he hadn’t imagined it being emotional in nature. He especially didn’t think he’d be the cause.

  “I’m sorry for everything.” He whispered. “Some hero I’ve turned out to be. What’s it been? Four days and I’ve nearly died on you and forced you to save me? If I could give these things I do to you, I would. I’d let you have them. You’d have so much more use for it than me.”

  He realized what he was doing. He saw the path his thoughts were leading him down and where it was going to end. Reasons to be gone. Reasons he didn’t deserve her. Reasons he didn’t deserve to be happy. He didn’t know why the light in his mind seemed to have turned off lately, but it scared him that it had. There were more shadows in the world now. He wasn’t sure if something inside him had broken or he’d finally lost the innocence of a boy with his sword. He’d talk to Delores about it another time. For now, he forced the morbid things he was thinking down.

  He was alive. That was a net positive. Delores knew everything about him and she wanted to help. She was here with him. He had the two best people he'd ever met in his life right now looking after him. His life was, in all actuality, better than it had been. He tried to focus on that.

  He realized he had a worryingly long list of things he was planning to dump at this poor woman’s feet over the coming days. That wasn’t why he’d wanted this. He didn’t want this to be all their relationship was about. She wasn’t supposed to be a therapist. He worried he’d just become an emotional leach. She deserved better.

  The thoughts had come anyway. The new self loathing nearly overwhelmed him so, Terry decided to take a nap instead of thinking more.

  It was probably an hour later when Delores woke him.

  “Terry? Wake up. I know you’re probably hungry.” She said softly.

  That did it. She mentioned food and his stomach started screaming at him. She’d said they’d kept broth in him, and as much as he appreciated that, broth was not going to cut it. He sat up carefully as she rolled to the side to let him. More of his strength had returned.

  He watched as Delores stood and stretched.

  “Before you ask,” she said, arms raised to the ceiling and groaning, “I’m going to help you get your armor on before we go down. First, I want you to impress my mother. Second, I want us gone before there’s a chance my dad gets home so I want you dressed. If I didn’t need you fed, I’d say we go now.”

  “You really don’t want me to meet him.” He said.

  “No.” Was all she said as she walked to her closet and pulled his under armor out.

  Terry made a promise to himself that if he ever did meet Father Cody he was going to be on his best behavior. He thought he could do that for her. Another thought struck him.

  “Shouldn’t I get a shower?”

  For some reason, the question made her blush. He raised an eyebrow at her.

  “I, uh,” she said, helping him stand, “I may have bathed you. In bed. Twice. I mean, you were out for two days.”

  Now he was blushing. Before he could say anything she continued. Her face turning even more red.

  “Thoroughly. You needed it. We both smelled like fish. I brushed your hair, too. And did your nails again.”

  He stopped in the act of pulling his under armor on and looked at her. I love her. The thought hit him and he knew it was true the moment it was there. He loved Delores. It was too soon. She’d been hurt too many times. He probably had another hundred reasons to not tell her yet. It’d grown over the months quietly though, and now there it was. He’d admitted it to himself, at least.

  “So, ya gonna stand there staring at me or finish getting dressed?” she asked, trying to play off the fact that she was embarrassed about bathing him.

  He finished zipping the under armor up and before Delores could grab the first piece of his armor, he grabbed her gently and kissed her. She leaned against him and when he stopped she was smiling with her eyes closed, face turned up to him.

  I would challenge armies for her, he thought. I don’t think there is anything I wouldn’t do for her.

  She opened her eyes. He felt like an idiot for those sorts of flowery thoughts. Again, she didn’t need to hear this kind of stuff from him. She finally started grabbing armor plates and attaching them.

  This time, Delores worked with speed and efficiency. There was still care in what she did, but within a few minutes he was armored up and he got his outer clothes on. She held up his duster for him. As he slipped into it, she turned him to face her. Delores put her arms around his waist. He put his hands on her shoulders and looked into her eyes. As she spoke, her smile faded and she became serious.

  “Terry, my mother’s name is Deborah. All I ask of you is to treat her with respect and some delicacy. She’s not had a great life.”

  Terry nodded.

  “Have you two gotten to talk much since we’ve been here?” he asked.

  “Yes. Elton watched you some, once I couldn’t put more mana into you. She’s not a bad person, really, Terry. Things just aren’t easy with us.”

  Terry nodded.

  “I promise I will treat your mother with nothing but respect.”

  He kissed her on the forehead and she smiled at him.

  “Ok,” she said, “let’s go meet my mother.”