I woke up the next morning curled on my side with my blanket bunched between my knees. I had pulled off my pajamas at some point and I lay bare to the world, the sunrise filtering through my window blinds while attempting to collect my thoughts. I knew very well what I had just done the previous night; it was something I hadn’t done since waking up as Maya in the past. I had explored my new body prior to this, but mostly to see how it functioned. Never like I had last night. The shame and guilt washed through me before settling in my stomach like a dull weight. I knew what happened during puberty -- well, puberty from a boy’s point of view – but I wasn’t prepared for how intense it could be for a girl.

  I rolled onto my back, covering my face. My skin felt rough and dry, mostly due to the sweat evaporating but especially between my thighs. Another wave of guilt washed through me, but I did note that my mind was a lot clearer than it had been last night. Perhaps my hormones had flared up, and what happened last night got out of my system. I stared up at my ceiling, focusing on my breathing and trying to figure out how to function.

  Suddenly, there was a knock on my door. “Maya?” Dad said on the other side. “Are you up?”

  I sat up in a jolt, covering my nudity with my hands. Thank god I had a lock on my door. “I’m up, Dad,” I shouted quickly. “I’m…getting ready.”

  Dad muttered an acknowledgement before I heard him rap on Tim’s bed next door doing the same. I groaned, remembering that I had to get ready for school, and jumped out of bed to throw on my robe. I quickly exited my room to get into the bathroom before Tim woke up properly, and checked myself in the bathroom mirror to make sure I didn’t look like a wreck or anything. I was a little disheveled, a little red in the eyes, but not nearly as bad as I felt inside. I washed thoroughly, taking more time in the shower than I usually did, and after one last inspection returned to my room.

  I put on a black short-sleeved shirt and a green pleated skirt before trying back my hair in a quick ponytail before heading upstairs. Tim was in his pajamas gnawing on cereal since I had hogged the bathroom, and my sister Janie was on her knees on the chair next to him buried in her own bowl. Mom and Dad were chatting in the kitchen over coffee. I didn’t look at either of them as I grabbed a bowl and spoon, and I was paranoid that they knew what I was doing last night. They paid me no mind, however, so I quietly poured cereal for myself and ignored my siblings arguing.

  A half hour later, I was sitting on the bus with Erin on my way to school. She was talking non-stop about the game last night, and about the squad’s performance. I declined to remind her that it was just a meaningless middle school football game, because she took it extremely seriously. Pointing out improvements she thought we could make, that sort of thing. I mostly sat quietly, still uncomfortable about the previous night.

  “...and that’s why I think we should be more consistent with our timing. I think I’ll mention it to the coach next practice. You think so, Maya?”

  I nodded absently. “Sure, Erin, that’s a really good idea.”

  Pleased, Erin dug around in the book-bag on her lap. “Wasn’t it cool when Jake caught that pass? He’s really fast.”

  At the mention of Jake’s name, I twitched remembering the way he smiled at me, followed by another wave of shame. “I guess so,” I whispered.

  “I’m still surprised that he joined football. But he’s very good, just like he was last year in basketball, don’t you think?”

  “Yeah, he’s fine.” I turned to Erin. “Why are you asking me about Jake?”

  “Well, I know you like him…”

  “I don’t like him,” I hissed at her. “He’s just a friend!”

  “Oh, I thought…”

  I went red with embarrassment. “Well, you thought wrong. I don’t want a boyfriend or anything stupid like that!” The idea made me cringe, but also a tinier part of me sad.

  “I’m sorry, Maya,” apologized Erin as she put her hand on my shoulder, “I didn’t mean anything by it.”

  I nodded, but hung my head silently for the rest of the bus ride. To her credit, she didn’t pry into why I was upset, but she walked with me as far as my locker before giving me a quick hug and heading to her first class. I sat through the next three periods barely paying attention, as I usually did. Having the memories of a forty-something in my skull made middle school assignments inconsequential. I mostly sat mulling over in my head how I was feeling and how my second round at life was evolving.

  For the first time, I really started to think about my sexuality; or rather, what my sexuality will be when I was old enough to have one. There was still a part of me that was Matthew in the back of my head, and as Matthew I had only ever dated women. Hell, I had been married! But now as Maya, I wasn’t sure. I hadn’t had any sexual thoughts since waking up in the past, and it was likely a result of my prepubescent biology. My brain hadn't been fed hormones until recently, so I hadn't been aroused.

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  I certainly wasn’t attracted to any of my schoolmates, male or female. Admittedly, my head turned at boys on instinct occasionally, but I always shook it off. The girls though, were more like my contemporaries, even if I could acknowledge that they were pretty for thirteen-year-olds. It was more like my body acted on its own accord, whereas my brain firmly classified them as children and left it at that.

  The growing part of me though, as I got older, was admittedly disappointed that I couldn’t indulge like the rest of my friends. They could talk about boys they liked, and I kept my mouth shut or pointedly expressed my disinterest. I had the reputation of being the most mature of my group of friends, but they all thought I was a little off when it came to boys. I actually wished that I could join in with their giggles and gossip, but I knew I needed to be firm. Besides, I hated most of the boys in our grade. Matthew knew them as bullies, and Maya knew them as pests trying to impress me.

  Then there was Jake. With Jake, it felt different since I had no memories of Jake from Matthew’s timeline. I think it was another example of the Butterfly Effect; perhaps his family didn’t move to my town in Matthew’s timeline? He was also very different from the brutes that made up the bulk of the boys on the sports teams. He was always soft-spoken, never trying to brag or show off. He was taller than me – by my estimates I was not going to be as tall as Matthew had been – but it never felt like he loomed over me like most of the other boys. I know it was silly, but I sometimes felt intimidated by boys as Maya. I never felt that way with Jake. If we chatted with each other in the halls, it almost felt as if I was just “one of the guys” again, as odd as it sounded. It was very different from hanging out with my girlfriends.

  I sighed, resting my elbow on my desk and my cheek in hand. I knew that I was responding to Jake the same way that any girl who was interested in a boy naturally would. As nice as it felt, I had to be firm. I couldn’t let what happened last night happen again. It wouldn’t be right. I had to focus from now on, to not allow my emotions to take hold like that. If it meant cold showers, it's what I had to do. Feeling resolute, I stood up confidently as the bell rang, and hugging my books to my chest I walked chin up to my locker.

  I made it about ten steps down the hall before I heard “Hey Maya!” behind me.

  I froze. Of course it was Jake.

  “Hi, Jake,” I winced, squeezing my eyes tightly with a pained smile.

  “I was hoping that I could see you after the game last night,” Jake said as he caught up to me. “You heading to your locker?”

  “Uh, yeah,” I replied, not looking directly up at him.

  “Cool,” he said. “Mind if I walk with you to science class?”

  I sighed. I was about to make some excuse, but all that came out was, “Okay.”

  We walked down the hall together, with me not saying much but Jake happily keeping pace with me. It didn’t seem like an uncomfortable silence to him, but it was agonizing for me. We got to my locker, and as I fiddled with the combination he casually leaned against the wall and nonchalantly scanned the busy hall full of students.

  “That was a nice play last night,” I said, still not looking at him. “You’re pretty good on the field.”

  Jake waved it off. “I’m okay. I’m only playing because my cousin said they were short on players. I’m probably about as interested in football as you are.” He laughed.

  “Oh, you know me. Big football fan here!” I echoed his laugh.

  “I’m still sort of surprised that you’re even on the cheerleading team.”

  I raised my eyebrow. “Are you saying I’m no good?”

  “Not at all,” he assured me. “I just figured you’d rather be practicing your guitar or something.”

  Jake was one of the few kids our age who shared my interest in music. We both liked classic rock and grunge, which was still in its infancy in 1994. He didn’t play, but he was impressed that I actually knew the guitar. Not a lot of thirteen year-old girls were into guitar riffing. While he hadn’t seen me actually play my guitar, he was one of the only people I talked to about it. I was a little self-conscious about my music, mostly because it was a callback to my former life as Matthew who had played for years in his adulthood. He thought it was amazing that I was a guitarist and always wished he could see me play.

  “Honestly, I’d rather be practicing music,” I admitted. “I’m mostly on the squad because my friends are in it.”

  “Well, it’s good exercise, too.”

  I giggled. “I suppose it is. Gets me out of the house.”

  Once I had my things, we walked together to the science room, with him sort of leading the way through the crowd. When we got to our classroom, I sat down in my desk first, brushing the hair from my eyes. Jake turned to go to his desk, and suddenly turned around. He seemed a bit nervous, but was trying semi-successfully to hide it.

  “So Maya, I wanted to let you know that tomorrow’s my birthday, and we’re having it at Cheap Skate. I was going to ask earlier, but would you want to come?”

  My heart sank into my stomach. Oh my gosh, is he asking me out on a date? No, he’s only thirteen -- or fourteen, I guess – it’s not a date. Just a birthday party thing. No, it’s out of the question, I thought to myself. But as I looked up at him from my seat, seeing him nervously standing there, waiting for my answer, I almost melted. But I had to be firm.

  “Er, if it’s tomorrow, I wouldn’t have time to get a present,” I offered. It was a pitiful attempt to weasel out of something my body was begging me to accept.

  “Tell you what,” he grinned, “bring your guitar and play a song for me, and you don’t have to buy me anything. Deal?”

  My lips quirked upwards. Okay, the kid was smooth. I knew I shouldn’t, but my resolve faded away. I sighed.

  “What time?”