Inside Man

  I was strolling through one of the inner courtyards of Castle Caradon this afternoon as was my wont. The queen kept a modest vineyard here, and several rose bushes speckled with dainty little flowers in a multitude of colors as well. I can't remember when the last time it was that I noticed those colors; they did nothing for me, no, not for a multitude of years at this point. They all seemed to be sickly'd over, muted and pale. Just when was it that my world turned so gray, when did the banality of every person in this court, in this stone prison of a city, become so frustratingly crushing upon my very soul.

  Oh I had gotten quite good at pretending that I wasn't in a constant state of terrible despair; I laughed when someone told a joke, none could tell that my heart wasn't actually in it. I pretended to enjoy the food I was eating, but although it gave my body succor it didn't satisfy the cravings in my heart. How I longed for something that would make my blood pump again, to make me feel that life was worth living. Nobody understands me, nobody cares - never in my capacity as a member of this court, performing my duties, and never when the time came to turn in for the day, had anyone even tried to ask how I was feeling.

  I suppose I just don't look nearly as sad as I truly am. I was weary of this world. Nothing excited me any longer. My life has been such a farce - yes, or perhaps more like a dumbshow put on stage to entertain the groundlings. An abominable parody of a play cobbled together with no explicable direction. I kept wondering when the final act of this place would come; I had no desire to die, at least I didn't think so. But if death's cold embrace were to snatch me from my bed as I lay, I wouldn't have minded at all. I sighed. Anything would be better than this feeling of emptiness, this despair that consumed me day in, and day out. Yes, even death itself, for that would leastways provide me a swift exeunt from the terrors of my heart.

  Oh but then one day I found some purpose, and an idea that rather intrigued me, not that it did much to assuage my sorrow. I was approached by a man in black. This man told me some intriguing things, and many of those things made sense. We kept talking for years, all the while my own bleak outlook blackened further, to further depths of depravity and defeatism. It is hard to explain; he would say something, and I would say something, then after his reply I'd somehow feel worse about myself - which is strange, is it not? This man knew me better than I did, it seemed, and gave me some deep insights to the self the likes of which I'd never thought possible!

  Then one day he asked me a pointed question: Why should I be the only one to feel despair? I couldn't answer him, who could? It is a ridiculous question - which is, naturally, why I was intrigued. That is how I came to join his little cabal, learned its rites, learned its plans - oh those plans were diabolical. Indeed, if a war broke out between humans and elves, it would be most interesting - I was far too consumed with my own despair to think about the suffering of others; well, I might have cared at one time or other, but right now? It was like my heart was dead set on escaping the doldrums by any means necessary - besides, if the colors of flowers failed to touch my eyes, if tasty food had no savor, if the act of making love led to no bliss, if music and plays no longer moved me, if I could not even muster a smidgen of happiness out of this pathetic existence, surely a war would finally provide the stimulus I'd been craving for so very long?

  Well I learned a lot from my time with them, and my new friend kept in touch with me - oh I learned so much, more than anyone else in my present standing. I had ways of finding things out, of course. It was my job to send him any information that could lead to successfully removing the queen from the board. The opportunity came but recently, for the queen informed us of her intentions to visit her nieces and nephews. Once I knew which of the winding, wending roads she intended to meander upon, I relayed that information to my friend. I had just received a message, thanking me and ordering me to stand by. Soon, I knew, the queen I served would be dead and we would be at war - all thanks to a little bit of information provided by yours truly.

  Victor

  We only remained in Midbrook for about an hour or two, stretching our legs, seeing the sights, and we bought some fresh bread. The France comparisons continued with the bread, actually. I believe if you handed the bread on offer to a Frenchman he might call it a "Parisien" given the shape and size. Under comprehension, I couldn't tell if they had a particular accent, but the Princess did inform me that there were regional accents and dialects.

  Don't get me started on the pastries! I don't know where these guys managed to get boysenberry but that's apparently what they used in this sumptuous berry and cream cheese tarts, at least, that's what it tasted like to my tongue. I mean obviously they called it something else, the royalberry, but it had the same flavor and everything. Speaking of cheese, oh yes there was some of that - some of it imported and you can bet I bought some. The only thing that would make this town perfect is a place to buy espresso - but alas - I lamented that we may never be able to replenish my coffee supply at this rate, and when I did the Princess cried out a big "no!" Good grief, I'd created a monster.

  The river that ran through the town was quite nice too actually, and it was even clean enough where I could see fish. There were several places on the length of the river where one could climb stairs to little landings, which is where the princess and I found ourselves watching the little fellers swim around. I'd smelled grilled fish as we passed through the market, but I'd already filled up on bread and cheese so I just wanted to appreciate them live at the moment. They sort of resembled trout, I think - yeah let's see there was brown trout, brook trout, Dolly Varden trout, rainbow fightin' trout…these fish resembled brown trout the most.

  The princess tapped my shoulder, "What are you reading, Sir Victor?"

  Oh. Had I been mindlessly flipping through my field guide?

  "This? This is one of the books I brought with me."

  I showed her what I was looking at. It was small enough to fit in my duster pocket so I'd taken it out of my suitcase. It featured various creatures from all over the world sorted by type each depicted with a colorful picture and a blurb about the animal's habitat. I'd figured I might spot more wildlife in Louisiana than just a bunch of invasive hogs so I wanted to identify the ones I saw. So far I'd noticed that the animals here were roughly the same as the ones from my former world but I reckoned the more I spotted the more little differences I'd notice.

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  "I'd like to read it some time if you would let me," she smiled.

  "Yeah, of course, just not while we're driving," I pre-empted her questioning, "because people who read in moving cars tend to get sick," that elicited an "ahh" of epiphany.

  Once we'd had our fill of relaxation we hopped back into the Cadillac and made our way carefully through town towards the road heading west. The south road led to the only port within the Cara Kingdom, Port d'Azune. The princess confirmed that the city was in fact named after the big blue moon so it could also be called "Blue Moon Port" which honestly sounded kind of romantic. You can bet I started whistling that song about standing alone. The east road led back to the forest.

  The north road eventually took one to Balero, which was a principality rather than a kingdom; one of three principalities with another kingdom beyond. I had heard of Balero during that last meeting, and how they woulda been involved in the war if I hadn't gotten in that fateful car accident. Sorry, I still ain't trying to call myself a hero, haha.

  So let's see, the farming village of Greendan was some eight miles later - it was a picturesque landscape full of agriculture just laid out like a sheet of lightly rolling hills and grasses; oh, there were even vineyards! I'd been in France and Sonoma enough times to recognize those! Look it wasn't that I hated wine it just doesn't do much for me, who knows, maybe a wine from this world could blow my mind and change my outlook. Still that didn't stop me from enjoying the idyllic aesthetic of vineyards spread as far as the eye could see. We stopped just long enough to buy some fresh fruit, didn't even bother turning the car off, and we were off again.

  One thing I had noticed was that thanks to the earth magic the princess had cast on the car, no matter the road conditions it felt like I was taking a leisurely drive down I-10 except without rude trucks cutting me off. Like bro, make like Superman and pick a lane! This had an impact on my gas mileage for sure but the princess' wind magic was the real breadwinner here. Plus, it felt really nice to drive smoothly at cruising speed again which counted for a lot.

  Now, during the next stretch, heading towards Wheaton, an even bigger town than Midbrook, I wanted to try something out. I told the princess my plan and she braced herself - sure enough, when I took the car off-road, I continued to glide along with no problems. Yep - my Cadillac was now an all-terrain vehicle at least in terms of ground drag; I didn't want to try using a hill like a ramp, yet, but I did go up one of them to test how steep a grade I could climb before I started to feel any drag. I don't think her spell affected gravity, since I did feel some strain on the engine - nowhere near as bad as San Francisco though; damn it Sakamoto, why did your family have to go and buy a house up on top of Filbert Street?

  "Hey, Princess," I said, "is there magic that affects gravity?"

  She nodded, "aye, indeed there is - as a matter of fact the magical discipline dealing with such effects is actually named gravity magic."

  I nodded, "got it. I'm wondering if there's something that'll let me climb up hills like this without increasing the load on the engine."

  She put her finger on her chin, wobbling her head as she thought. "I'm afraid I don't know, I've never personally studied that sort of magic before. But I was thinking of learning some utility magic of the gravity discipline - mostly to help me carry more things."

  "Dumb question but, what exactly makes a spell a utility spell?"

  "Oh! It needs to be easy to cast, have some useful effect, and not be practical in a combat setting whether by low power, long casting time, low effect speed, or other reasons."

  "Got it, got it, so I take it that spells can also be classified as attack, defense, support, and the like?"

  "Aye, you have the right of it. So for utility spells, all three criteria must be met - so if something is easy to cast but can be used to cause damage, such as your basic fire bolt, it's classified as an attack spell. There is a weak lightning spell that lets the caster cause a surprising but ultimately harmless shock that is easy to cast, but it fails the useful effect test."

  "Huh, so it's a combat spell then?"

  She shook her head, "no, it's classified as a gag spell. Because it's more often used for pranks than anything else and can't cause any lasting harm. My sister used to use it on me and the others all the time - she even got Nenewyn bad once when she was little."

  I laughed, but seeing the princess' indignant face I apologized, and after a moment I asked, "so, gag spell, that's an official magical classification?"

  "Aye. As set forth by the Grand University of Magic - a very respected institution recognized by all the nations of this continent, that goes for humans, elves, dwarves, alfinos, beastfolk, higher dragons, smart giants, gnomes. It's actually gotten recognition in other areas, too - including across the Dragon Sea."

  "University as in, higher education?"

  "Well they do take students and teach magic but I suppose it's more of a society of intellectuals studying and researching magic. I have never actually visited, it's pretty far away. I know that my sister Sylfaena attended there before she became a court mage, though."

  "Tell ya what, if you'd like, I'll take you there myself."

  Her ears drooped, "that would be nice but," she pointed at my fuel gauge, frowning.

  My heart sank a little, "out of my range, huh? Damn. Well fine. Sounds like a hell of an adventure. Even if I run out of gas, I'll find some other way to make the trip with you."

  "Aww, thank you," there's that smile.

  "But I ain't giving up. Hopefully things will calm down after we save the queen, then we can try and figure out a solution to the fuel problem."

  The princess nodded affirmingly, and we continued down the open road.