Noobkitty wasn't sure what to do. It had been a long day of dramatic deaths and an odd night. She was now the proud owner of an empty storefront, she had a Yak in the side stable, and she had an employee. A Bunny woman who was so, so cute, and so, so hot, and…

  Noobkitty groaned and buried her face in her hands.

  “Behave yourself, Noobkitty. You’re her boss and the one who kept her from being deleted. It’s entirely inappropriate for you to flirt with her.”

  She looked out into the main room. The Bunny woman, .ex, was sitting at a table, gazing out the large front window, a faint, content smile on her face.

  “Breakfast. Bosses can make their employees breakfast,” she decided firmly, and set about making something special. Pulling up her inventory, she had far more options now, thanks to her new employee’s exotic world spanning stock.

  She had messaged Fizzypop and Grimmblade to inform them of the new location, but she wasn’t ready to officially open a full store yet.

  While she cooked, baked, and toasted, Fizzypop teleported in, immediately examining .ex, who smiled but was still clearly not fully accustomed to her new, self-aware existence.

  Noobkitty approached with a tray of food and four plates, just in case Grimmblade showed up unexpectedly. On the tray were two very different breakfast foods:

  Yellow Weed and Nut Goo Toast Lv. 38

  Made out of weeds and nuts, it has to be healthy. Why else would someone eat it?

  +8% Charisma, +2% Dexterity, +10% Constitution, +2% Strength

  Berry Chocolate Bread Ring lv. 37

  Some kind of bean paste with chocolate, put on a ring of toasted bread with berries. It might be good.

  +15% Charisma, +5% Dexterity, +4% Constitution

  Fizzypop used magic to levitate one of the wild berry bread rings (which looked suspiciously like a bagel) and scowled at the chocolate spread inside.

  “What is this thing?” they asked, horrified.

  Noobkitty, mouth full of the sweet, chewy pastry, answered indistinctly, “Breakfast.”

  “Okay, but what is it?” Fizzypop opened the not-bagel with a reluctant pulse of magic, not wanting to touch it, and peered at the brown paste.

  “Chocolate hummus on a wild berry bagel.”

  Fizzypop set it down with a loud thunk. “I think I just heard hundreds of years of gentiles scream.”

  Noobkitty took another bite and savored its sweet, fruity, chocolaty taste. “What’s wrong with it?”

  Grabbing the bread ring in mock frenzy, Fizzypop broke it in half, frowning. “Firstly, it’s not boiled, you only baked it. Secondly, you put berries in it. A bagel is meant to be savory! And thirdly, you put… did you say chocolate hummus? Like, no. Where did you even get chocolate?”

  .ex finished her bite of the Yellow Weed and Nut Goo Toast (which was indeed roasted dandelions) and finally spoke up, her voice clear. “Oh, from me. Cocoa powder is in my inventory.”

  Fizzypop looked to .ex, eyes narrowed. “The Bunny speaks. But where in the world do cocoa beans even grow here?”

  .ex blinked, a slight flicker in her eyes. “I don’t remember. Probably somewhere that was destroyed. But I have a lot of it.”

  Noobkitty smiled and looked at Fizzypop. “She also has coffee beans.”

  Fizzypop’s eyes went wide as Noobkitty pulled a copper pot filled with dark-roasted, steaming coffee from her inventory.

  “Okay, I forgive you for the bagel crime, for now, if you give me a cup.”

  “Deal,” Noobkitty said, pouring a cup for the mage. Fizzypop savored the aroma, then paused, scrutinizing the liquid. “You didn’t do anything weird to it, did you?”

  Stolen from its original source, this story is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

  Noobkitty shook her head. “Not yet. I’m thinking of making dark chocolate covered coffee beans with habanero flakes a nice earthy, spicy, sweet, crunchy treat.”

  “As long as you save some for brewing, we can still be friends.”

  .ex looked at her dandelion toast thoughtfully. “Do you like the cashew cream cheese you made?”

  Noobkitty shrugged. “I could take or leave it. Why?”

  “Roasted dandelions go better with pumpkin butter,” the Bunny girl said, taking another bite and musing like a true connoisseur. “And maybe use an infused olive oil, like garlic-infused. It’ll make the dandelion flavor pop while hiding some of its bitterness.”

  Fizzypop shook their head and bit the not-bagel again, accepting their fate. “Ancestors, there are two of you weird vegans now.”

  .ex blinked innocently. “What’s a vegan?”

  After breakfast, which Fizzypop took extra portions of for their food review, Noobkitty and .ex got to work planning the snack store. They set up tables, chairs, a counter space, and a display case. The manager interface that .ex had access to came with a lot of built-in options, which was a good thing, because Noobkitty was nearly broke after buying the property.

  Then came an important decision.

  Party Chat

  Noobkitty: Team! Something very important! Are you busy?

  Grimmblade: I’m getting gored by dire pigs, so… no.

  Fizzypop: I’m about to log off. I have a surprise for you later, Noobkitty. But what’s so important?

  .ex: I’m here too.

  Noobkitty: We’re in the same room, .ex.

  Fizzypop: Wait, your name’s .ex? What kind of name is that?

  .ex: An unfortunate one, but I can’t remember my real name, so it’s what I have for now.

  Grimmblade: Who are you?

  Fizzypop: Noobkitty’s cuddle buddy.

  Noobkitty: She is not! She’s my shop manager.

  .ex: Well, I could be her snuggle buddy, we haven’t set up the bedrooms on the second floor yet.

  Noobkitty: Speaking of the shop, it needs a name.

  Grimmblade: Edible Weirdness.

  .ex: Mondo Munchies.

  Fizzypop: Savory Sanity.

  Noobkitty: No on all of those.

  Fizzypop: Vegan Variety.

  Grimmblade: Menacing Mulch.

  .ex: Noob’s Noms.

  Noobkitty: NO!

  Fizzypop: Yes! I love it.

  Grimmblade: I’m good with it.

  Noobkitty: NO!

  .ex: Two and a half votes to one, Noob’s Noms it is.

  Noobkitty: No, I veto!

  .ex: Too late, already submitted.

  And so the shop was named Noob’s Noms, complete with a big, brightly colored sign and a logo of a smiling cat holding a muffin.

  That evening, the store manager .ex decided to take the night off. She first took care of her Yak, then she walked to Gristle and Beers to talk with Grizzlebeard; he was the only other self-aware NPC she knew, and she needed advice.

  Alone in the shop with a full kitchen and new supplies, Noobkitty got to grinding her cooking skill and stocking up for Noob’s Noms’ grand opening. She remade all her previous items, whipped up more of her ‘bagels’ and dandelion toast, and created two new recipes:

  Mint and Nut Walking Bag Lv. 38

  Made with random things found in a forest and shoved into a bag, it’ll cure odd cravings and freshen your breath.

  +5% Constitution, +6% Dexterity, +4% Strength, +8% Charisma

  Curry and Rum Pudding? Lv. 39

  Spicy, creamy, and made of rice, it has rum, yet somehow it’s a dessert.

  +2% Intelligence, +10% Dexterity, +2% Constitution, –4% Charisma

  By the time she finished, she’d reached Level 39 in Cooking.

  It took most of the night, but she had enough stock to open the store. Before going to bed, she pulled up the store interface to try and change the name, but the option was locked. It turns out managers had more control of a shop than the owner, or she was exploiting the system. Noobkitty grumbled and fell asleep in one of the empty bedrooms.

  The next morning, she tried the new version of the dandelion toast. She had to admit, it was significantly better with pumpkin butter than with cashew cheese.

  “Hey boss, ready for our big day?” .ex asked cheerfully.

  With a yawn and a stretch, Noobkitty nodded. “Ready.”

  .ex laughed. “Someone may need a cat nap today.”

  Noobkitty playfully scowled at her manager.

  Grimmblade came in to buy more brittle; he’d finally reached below Level 90. Fizzypop was a mix of excited and annoyed at the two new food items, saying they already had enough to review and Noobkitty needed to slow down.

  Customers poured in all day. Some items sold out quickly, especially the terrible Kidney Bean Brittle, and thanks to Fizzypop’s scathing complaints, the chocolate berry ‘bagels’ sold out too. Noobkitty once again had coin in her pocket and more Level 1 equipment to use for Fusion crafting.

  Near the end of the busy day, there was still a crowd when Noobkitty spotted something strange: a player stumbling, parts of her fading in and out of existence. Instantly, Noobkitty knew from all the pre-download warnings that the woman was breaking apart a downloaded consciousness failing to stabilize. How she made it to town was a mystery, but Noobkitty hurried over and took her by the shoulders.

  “You can do this, stay with us. I’ll give you a free dessert,” she said, holding the woman steady, unsure what to say in this critical situation. If they couldn't stabilize her, her data would fracture and self-delete.

  The woman opened hazy, unfocused eyes. Her form continued to glitch violently. Noobkitty’s hands started to pass through her as her consciousness began to phase out.

  “I know what to do! Grizzlebeard told me!” .ex exclaimed, rushing forward with strange excitement. She touched the woman’s shoulder, and a pop-up appeared, visible only to her, the woman, and Noobkitty.

  Quest: Employment

  Noob’s Noms needs someone to run the counter and help with customers. Do you accept the position of shop attendant?

  Reward: 5% of sales made.

  Accept: [yes]

  Confused, the woman reached up and tapped [yes]. Her form began to stabilize immediately, and she stood straighter. Noobkitty’s hand was pushed out of her body as the woman became physically whole again.

  Noobkitty looked to .ex, astonished. “What did you do?”

  “A strong sense of purpose helps stabilize a fracturing download. It's what you did for me, boss, so there was a chance it would work for a download.”

  The newly stabilized woman blinked and then, trying to gather her thoughts, mumbled, “I… I… was there a mention of a free dessert?”