[HP critically low!]

  Dodging another fireball from a furious BellissimaBaby, wearing nothing but her birthday suit and some leaves for accessories, I quickly down a potion. Come on, Flourishing Physiognomy skill, don’t fail me now!

  But seriously, if she could just stop being mad for half a second, she’d see it must be fate! It’s our third time running into each other today purely by chance; at this point it’s like the TC gods want us together! I’d love to sit down with her and chat about it, maybe over soup and a sandwich at a fantasy bistro in the next town. But I’ve got to survive her attacks, first.

  She’s launching them left and right; they crash into the ground all around me. If not for my high Agility score, she’d have me served up medium well on a plate already.

  “Damn it, you pervert! Hold still so I can kill you!”

  “Bellissima, honey—”

  Fwoosh! Boom! That last one catches the edge of my heel. Hot!

  [-35 HP]

  “Let’s talk about this, babycakes!”

  “I’m am talking! Consider the fireballs punctuation!”

  BOOM! This one hits the ground and I’m knocked flying by concussive damage.

  [-99 HP]

  [HP critically low!]

  Is there no justice in this world? I wasn’t even peeping at her, for crying out loud! And now I’m about to die from her attacks like a—

  Wait a minute. How is BellissimaBaby attacking me? I haven’t accepted a duel request. I wasn’t aware players could damage other players outside of a duel or arena.

  I sit up, confused. Meanwhile, BellissimaBaby, perhaps thinking she managed to kill me with that last shot, is scurrying to put on her wet clothes.

  “Ack!” She says when she realizes I’m still alive. “Stay right there till I finish you! Don’t you dare peek! Do and I’ll kill you!”

  “I wasn’t trying to peek,” I assure her, choosing to fight my instincts and do the right thing by turning around to give her some privacy. I also take a moment to drink down another potion. “It was an accident, I swear. I was killing this griffin as it was flying and it dropped out of the sky here purely by chance.”

  “Right, you actually expect me to believe that.”

  “It’s true! Check the griffin if you don’t believe me!”

  I hear footsteps behind me, and I take it as permission to turn around. Bellissima is a hot mess, with her wet hair plastered to her head and shoulders, wearing a dripping tee and not much else. She’s blushing after our embarrassing encounter, pulling an embarrassed face with one eye closed, moving her hair with one hand while the other rests on her hip. She’s so damn hot, it’s almost more than I can take.

  “What are you looking at?”

  “N-nothing, baby. I-I-I mean BellissimaBaby.”

  “Oh. So I look like nothing to you?”

  “That’s not what I—!”

  [Heart rate accelerating. 141 BPM. Automatic system shutdown if heart rate reaches 150 BPM.]

  Dang it! Not now! Stupid heart!!

  “You look—you look great,” I say, looking away, my face flaming, praying all the while I don’t despawn right in front of her.

  “And you look like a train wreck.”

  I glance down at my scuffed and dented armor. Unlike spell casters I don’t have to worry about my clothes being shredded in battle, but I guess it’s only natural the armor would look this rough when my health is so low.

  “Yeah,” I agree with her. “Though it doesn’t get much better than this…”

  Was it my imagination, or did she get just the hint of a smile just now?

  “So, what were you saying earlier? That you killed this guy?” she says disbelievingly, nudging the griffin corpse with her bare foot. “How?”

  “It’s my aura,” I say, scrambling to my feet, and she scoffs.

  “Yeah, some aura you’ve got. Bet it drives all the huzz crazy.”

  “Not even my dad says huzz anymore…”

  “Shut up. So, what level was it?”

  “The griffin? I didn’t have time to check.”

  “Well? Check it now,” she says irritably. “Check it for loot.”

  “Right… Looks like it was level 20. Elite monster.”

  “Damn.”

  A case of content theft: this narrative is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.

  “Loot is 10 gold, 25 silver. Some feathers for tailoring…”

  “Useless.”

  “And, uh, one griffin egg.”

  “What?!”

  I straighten holding the giant speckled egg in my battered gauntlet, the true prize of my valiant battle. I could almost laugh with disbelief.

  A griffin mount! And I get to hatch it from an egg, and raise it and be it’s dad! Then when it’s big enough it’ll let me ride, and then we’ll fly, and—this might possibly be the coolest thing ever! And it’s mine, all m—

  “Trade it to me.”

  I look to BellissimaBaby, not sure I heard that right.

  “Sorry?”

  “Trade the egg to me. It’s your punishment for peeping.”

  “I already told you that was an accident!”

  “Just because it was an accident, that doesn’t excuse your guilt! People go to jail for accidents, too!”

  “It’s not my fault you were out here skinny dipping! If you didn’t want to be seen, go to a bath house!”

  “Do you have any idea how far a bath house is from these mountains? You expect me to run that far with a sand wedgie? Shut up and trade me the egg. Or I’ll write it all over the TC forums that Revelator’s a peeping pervert with a little person fetish.”

  “Who has a fetish?” I demand, incensed, face flaming. “Sorry, but your itty bitty titties don’t do it for me, baby.”

  “Ha! Then how do you explain the drool on your armor?” she says so convincingly that I actually look down to wipe it up, mortified. But there’s no drool here!

  “Bahahaha!” She’s laughing at me with her wide open mouth, and suddenly, it hits me.

  Bluebell village! That’s where I know her from! BellissimaBaby is the same awful little gnome all the way back from chapter 1 whose jeers laughed Lamentator right out of existence! Nooo! My epic build! My seven foot tall fallen paladin with spiky demon armor! I worked for an hour creating that poor first character!

  Oblivious to my realization, the BellissimaBaby from the present goes on jeering me.

  “Pervert!”

  “Shut up!”

  “Pervert, pervert!”

  “Gah! You know what? Take the egg! It’s not worth the aggravation!” I say, opening a trade window and virtually throwing it at her.

  “Yay!” BellissimaBaby’s persona changes instantly the moment she receives her prize, and she goes all soft as she holds the enormous egg in her tiny gnome arms, nuzzling it and talking to it.

  “I love you, yes I do. Mommy loves you so much…”

  Egh. I pull a face and turn to go.

  “Have fun with my rare mount drop,” I call back to her sarcastically. “What’d ya say last time? See you never, hopefully.”

  “Hey, Rev!” she calls, and I glance over my shoulder. Her brilliant blue eyes are smiling, and her cheeks are all pink as she snuggles the egg with a cozy look. Then she wiggles her little fingers at me and blows me a kiss. “I love you, too.”

  Badump!

  She giggles to see my reaction to her teasing confession and it’s more than I can take.

  My shoulders screw up and I turn my back on her.

  Forget that girl! She’s only flirting cuz I gave her something nice. She’s a gold digger, definitely a gold digger! I’ll be better off if I never see her again, I’ll be—

  [BellissimaBaby has sent you a friend request.]

  The words appear on a screen that suddenly pops up in front of my face.

  [Would you like to accept?]

  [Yes or No]

  I can practically feel her eyes boring into my back, waiting for my response.

  Ah, come on. When you put me on the spot like this…

  [Yes]

  This is my toxic trait, I think as the sound of her giggling behind me turns my ears bright red.

  I fall in love too easily…

  I crash around in the mountains for another hour or so, feeling frustrated. There are mobs to fight but nothing as interesting as the griffin. Though I return to the place where I first encountered it and wait on a nearby rock, it doesn’t respawn.

  I sit there with my chin in my palm, just staring out across the clearing, not really seeing anything or thinking at all. Then, after waiting here for God knows how long, I get a private message from Sherbie.

  Sherbie: i got him!

  Sherbie: iwish i couldd send a selfie hes so bit

  Sherbie: big

  Sherbie: !!!1

  I grin faintly. Good old Sherbie. Glad one of us is having a good time.

  Revelator: Right. I’ll make my way your direction. Meet me in town and don’t wander off.

  Sherbie: roger1

  I mount Horse and take off through the trees. Now that he’s leveled up he’s even faster than me. Though riding the griffin was faster…

  Ah, don’t think about it, Rev. That egg’s gone. And so is the girl. She only sent that friend request to make fun of you, I tell myself, considering the screen where it says I have 1/1 friends online.

  Is she really my only friend? I guess I never gave friend requests to any of my guild members…

  Should I send her a message? What would I say?

  I ponder this problem for a minute while Horse races over the mountain, back towards the village, and eventually give up. I’ve got nothing to say to that girl. If she wants to talk to me, fine, but I’ll be damned if I go sniffing after her, begging for attention.

  Horse is fast, and in no time I’m speeding across the rocky hill where we fought the giant before. I am astounded to see Iron Claw is still here, farming the giant. Didn’t they get that Robe of Fruiting Bodies, yet? No wonder they were willing to pay 200 gold…

  Just then the giant respawns, and I watch the guild work together to bring it down once more in record time. I’m astounded by their numbers, their strength and teamwork, and I can’t help but feel a pang of jealousy. If only The Whales had so many excellent players, that we could take down a boss like that without even trying.

  As it was, our battle with the giant very nearly ended in disaster.

  I thought with my Essence Drain aura I would be able to defeat any monster at all so long as I could stay alive. How wrong I was. Thoughtfully, I pull up my evolved Shroomlet Aura to see the numbers once again.

  [Essence Drain level 15: You have become the antithesis of life and creation. You are fueled by the animating essence of all creatures.

  25 ft radius

  -1.66% HP/second

  10% Life Leech

  Stops enemy regeneration]

  That giant was regenerating at the same speed as my aura was damaging it. Sherbie and I never would have stood a chance on our own. If not for Bruiser’s damage…

  Speaking of which, I’m amazed by that guy’s attack strength. And I’m surprised that I was able to keep the giant’s aggro on me, considering how much damage he was doing. I guess I can thank my improved aggro aura for that.

  [Improved Aggrovating Aura level 7: Enemies have an even harder time ignoring your punchable face.

  Increases threat generated when dealing damage.]

  At any rate it’s increasingly clear I won’t be able to progress in this game without powerful allies—not if I want to fight stronger boss monsters and one day even run dungeons.

  There’s just no way around it. The Whales needs more members.

  Without my permission, my mind goes back to a certain gnome girl I met in the mountains, but I’m dismissing the idea before it can even properly form.

  Absolutely not. An unhinged fire mage like BellissimaBaby is the last thing The Whales needs.

  Besides, I have to trust she was kicked out of Iron Claw for a reason. I saw how ruthless Logi was with my own eyes when he kicked out Chimichungus. I have to assume there was some kind of defect in her character build for him to throw her out like that. Or in her personality. Knowing her the way I do, it’s probably the latter.

  Anyway, I absolutely refuse to invite her into the guild. Doing so would be no different than begging for her attention.

  Revelator may be a virgin and a hopeless romantic, willing to go any distance at all for his in-game love, Charis, but I’ll be damned if I let a real life female get the best of me…