Herbie

  I give Rev my quest reward. I have no use for a shield, and he seems to go through them rather quickly. He thanks me awkwardly. I say nothing.

  It’s not that I’m giving him the silent treatment deliberately. It’s just that I don’t know what to say to him, after telling him off before, calling him heartless.

  I know it’s a bad idea to raise a cockatrice—I do. Like I know those eggs weren’t even real, but a mere jumble of code. Rev wasn’t heartless for destroying them, no more than any player is for killing their in-game opponent. And yet…

  I couldn’t have done it. I’m sure of that. If I’d been on my own, and the quest demanded I destroy those eggs, there’s just no way…

  Guess I really am an idiot, just as dumb as everyone says…

  Someone once said to me I’m so friendly and outgoing, there’s no way I wouldn’t have a ton of friends in real life. But my experience hasn’t been like that at all.

  I am the second son, seventeen years younger than my very capable, very responsible older brother. Marion was never unkind to me, but he was always distant, aloof, as much as any adult would be with more important things on their mind than playing with a snotty kid. If I’m being honest, I hardly know him. By the time I was old enough to fully appreciate that he was my brother, he’d already taken on a hefty portion of responsibility within the family company, married, and was expecting his first child.

  So from the very beginning, my family had no need of me. My brother was reliable and firmly business-minded, while I was airheaded, gullible, defunct and completely unnecessary. I was pretty, at least, it was my one endearing quality. A beautiful golden haired angel with his head in the clouds, that’s how they all treated me. My grandparents and parents, all my aunts and uncles and my much older cousins, they pampered and babied me, bought me anything I looked at and, as much as they could, sheltered me from the cruelty of the world.

  When I showed up at my ultra elite private schools, I was a joke to the other students. They made fun of me for being stupid, took advantage of my gullibility and bullied me relentlessly.

  So, even though I am rich and good looking, even though I love people and just want to fit in with everyone else, I’m actually a really lonely guy.

  I took solace in games, and quickly learned that here, I would be accepted. It didn’t matter that I wasn’t very good in the beginning, my guild was always supportive and helpful, encouraging my build, giving me advice when I got stuck.

  Of course it never occurred to me that they were only being kind because I was buying all of their gear, and that behind my back, they had a separate chat where they mocked me unreservedly. After getting tipped off, I made a second account and managed to get invited to the shadow chat. What I saw there nearly broke me.

  Though I tried my hardest to be helpful, to be a good player, to them, I was nothing more than a nuisance, an idiot. I was bad at everything a gamer could be bad at; character building, reflexes, move combos, I couldn’t do any of it right for them. So they scheduled raids for times they knew I’d be unavailable, and made efforts to play the game without me, all while lying and pretending to be my friend in the main chat.

  I didn’t leave the guild right away after that. I somehow thought it would be better to have fake friends, than no friends at all. But I wasn’t nearly so obliging whenever a new update would come out, with upgraded gear. My ‘friends’ would hint that I ought to buy it for the whole guild, and I would play dumb, just to irritate the hell out of them.

  Then, one day, after sitting in the dark chat to see a certain player make some particularly nasty posts about me, I decided to surprise him with a whole set of new, ultra elite gear. But this wasn’t kindness. Thanks to these disgusting people, I learned the value of my family’s wealth, and that what was merely play money to me, was life and breath to those that did not have it. And I learned how it turns the hearts of humans green with envy, when one of them is suddenly blessed, while the rest are left out in the cold.

  Jealousy brewed, dissension in the guild. They couldn’t understand. ‘Why that player? Why not me?’

  They cozied up to me even more after that. Were especially nice. Meanwhile they ostracized the player I’d singled out. Envied him, hated him for what they did not have, till eventually their jealousy grew so great, they kicked him from the guild.

  This story is posted elsewhere by the author. Help them out by reading the authentic version.

  Such was my petty revenge. But that wasn’t all. Because they were right. I was stupid, and gullible and ridiculously bad at games—but I refused to be taken advantage of anymore, or used at my own expense by people who did not care about me. For a true friend, I’d sacrifice anything at all—even my own dignity. But these posers—they would get nothing from me.

  After that, for a week or so I hinted at how I planned to buy a booster package for everyone in the guild. They were even nicer to me in the main chat, while in the shadow chat they bitched at how long I was taking to produce the goods, and speculated whether or not I’d actually run out of money, whether or not being nice to me was a huge waste of time.

  I hinted some more. Teased some more. Then I told them to all be online on a certain day, at a certain time, when I would have my credit card out for a free-for-all spending spree. They were so excited. So very, very nice to me.

  Then, on that certain day and certain time, when they were all gathered with hands greedily outstretched, I posted screenshots of me buying all of the elite booster packages and gear for a rival guild, and a gif of a fat guy mooning everyone. Then I left the guild, quit the game, uninstalled it, and never looked back.

  After that, I worked my ass off behind the scenes, doing everything I could to become a better gamer. Though I still struggled with character building, I even got good enough to be recognized by Rev for my accomplishments in XYZ games.

  I tried a lot of games in this time, got invited to other guilds, made new ‘friends.’ Though as soon as I stopped buying them things, their true feelings for me would quickly show. But that didn’t matter. Each time I left a guild, I got invited to a new one, and tried starting over again.

  I wanted friends so badly—real friends. It was the only thing I’d ever wanted in all my life. People who genuinely wanted me around because I’m me, and not for any other reason. People who wouldn’t change just because I buy them something, or don’t.

  It’s why I was so excited to meet Rev, the McConsoleKing. Rev was rich like me—he had no use for my money, and I couldn’t spend it on him in TC even if he did. I have nothing to offer this guy, except for my friendship, and he seems to genuinely want me around, unlike everyone else I’ve tried partying with in this game. It’s why I feel bad for getting mad at him earlier. For mouthing off.

  Rev’s a good guy, and a good friend. He didn’t deserve that, just because he wanted to finish the quest and not adopt a cockatrice baby—something only a maniac would suggest.

  Idiot, I mentally punch myself. Idiot, idiot, idiot!

  On our way to the Everglen quest, we pass another random quest giver. I don’t really pay attention to the story, and I go through the motions on autopilot.

  [Would you like to accept quest: Windberry Mary?

  Reward: 10 of Mary’s Windberry Pies]

  “Yes.”

  As we comb the underbrush for some light blue berries with a white spiral pattern on them, I am vaguely aware Rev is speaking to me.

  “What?” I say, straightening. He wilts a little.

  “Nothing…”

  Ah! This is so awkward! I hate it so much. I want to apologize, but I’m not sure how. I don’t care about the stupid cockatrice eggs anymore—I just want to be his friend! Friendship is the only thing that matters to me in the whole wide world!

  I spin suddenly, determined to apologize, but Rev has disappeared. I feel my heart sink. Quickly, I pull up my system screen. It says we’re still in a party, and he didn’t log off. Then, did he just not want to play beside me anymore? Not that I blame him.

  Oh, man! Why’d I have to go and mess everything up? I swear, after this, I’ll never complain about a single thing Rev does ever ag—

  “Hey.” I hear Rev’s voice behind me, and I remove my glasses to wipe my tears away, then quickly replace them before turning around.

  “Rev, I’m sorry—”

  “How about this little guy?”

  I blink at his words, and my bleary eyes somehow manage to focus on a red, bushy tailed squirrel perched on the end of his finger.

  “I…don’t understand.”

  “You wanted an animal companion,” Rev’s expression is pained. “Because of me, you weren’t able to get one. This guy wouldn’t be as menacing as having a pet cockatrice, but I just thought, maybe he could take its place for a while. At least until you find something better. Want to try? He’s really friendly…”

  Rev…he was worried about me, I realize. He thought I was upset about the cockatrice eggs, and he went to such lengths just to find me an animal companion…

  I sniff and swallow. Tentatively, I hold out my finger, and the fuzzy little squirrel scampers from Rev’s hand to mine, and up my arm to perch on my shoulder. I laugh a little, and it nuzzles my face. I nuzzle it back.

  [You have encountered Red Squirrel.

  Red Squirrel

  Level: 1

  HP: 42

  Constitution: 2

  Strength: 1

  Agility: 10

  Intelligence: 2

  Skills: Nutcracker

  Would you like to make Red Squirrel your Druid animal companion? You may have up to three animal companions active at a time.]

  “Yes.”

  The squirrel and I are bathed in a brief connective green light, and suddenly in a way I cannot quite explain, I am aware of the little guy, of his health and general wellbeing. It’s like I’m in the squirrel’s head, and he’s in mine.

  That means he must sense it. Just how happy I am in this moment.

  I beam at Rev, who grins back awkwardly, turning quickly before I can see him blush.

  Mama, Papa, do you see your Herbie? For the first time in nineteen years, I’ve made a real friend. He’s awkward and standoffish and sometimes he scares me just a bit, but I know he’d do anything at all to help if I were in need. And I would do the same for him.

  Because that’s what friends do.