If I thought the other silences were thick, this one is like chewing lead.
you wish to live.
"Obviously."
to escape this place.
"That goes along with living."
and then what? He's only looking at me because I'm him, but even so Gray's empty eye sockets seem to bore into mine. what do you , kalsis chiroptera?
I give a shiver at the sound of my real name spoken aloud, a natural reaction from someone who's spent their adult life on the wrong side of Earth-as-in-Heaven's law. But then I realize that the worst has, in fact, already happened. Freeing, in a way.
"That's getting a little existential, isn't it?"
existential comes naturally when you're a skull.
"Can we just table all that for a while? Get somewhere safe and warm, some food and drinks, maybe some nice company. Then we'll have plenty of time to think about what it all , in the end, when you get right down to it, and all that shit."
no.
"You sure?" I protest weakly. When Gray doesn't answer, I sigh. "Look, I'm not expecting miracles here. I just want my life back, you know?"
your life in the city.
"Yes! I was pretty happy with it."
your life deceiving others for coin.
"There was a little more to my life than , come on." A further silence makes me wilt a little. "All right, I spent a lot of time running games. But like I said, it's the City! Everyone's running a game on someone."
i cannot give you that life back, kalsis chiroptera.
I shiver again and scratch the back of my head. "My friends call me Kal, you know?"
i know.
"Fine. Be like that. As I said, if you can just help me get somewhere safe, I'll consider us square. I can pass you off to somebody else or stick you on a nice rock somewhere or whatever makes you, uh, happy."
happiness --
"Yeah, yeah. So how about it?"
as i said before. i cannot help you.
"We're doing this again? Is it kickball time?"
i cannot help you, Gray says, perhaps a bit hastily, because the only help i can offer would bind you to my purpose. this would put your own goals forever beyond your reach, and almost certainly result in your untimely death.
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"Shit."
precisely. better to return me to my place and imagine you never found me.
"Wait, wait." I take a deep breath. "Tell me about this purpose."
you will find it absurd.
"Will I? Maybe it's easier than you think. I'm guessing you don't get out much."
i get out more than you can imagine.
"Is that a joke?"
no.
"Go on, hit me. What would I have to do?"
A slight hesitation. you start a revolution, overthrow princeps ash-katrion, and carry me to the heart of his power under mount zigur.
I cringe instinctively at the given name of the First-of-the-City, also known as Earth-as-in-Heaven, Prime-among-men, and a dozen other epithets. It's technically not to speak it, as it would be for a god, but showing disrespect to the ruler of the world can have more direct and immediate consequences if anyone's around to hear it.
Then I process what Gray actually said, and my eyes pop.
"You want me to ?"
i said that you would find it absurd.
"Yeah but there's absurd and then there's I thought you wanted to climb the Divide or go on a date with Nightsun Blooming. But that --"
yes. it is likely impossible for you, even with my help.
" isn't even the beginning of it! I might as well just bash my head in right now. At least then I wouldn't spend a century as a head in a vat, or get reshaped into some monster's left testicle, or --"
yes.
"Dying of thirst would be a mercy compared to what Earth-as-in-Heaven would do to me!"
yes.
"I'd have to be so utterly mad --"
yes. we are in complete agreement. hence why I cannot help you.
I put my back to the wall and let myself sink to the floor, still holding the skull in one hand. I close my eyes, lean back, and try to think of happier times. Instead all that comes to mind is Ba'alabeth, standing there stony-faced while the Outer Court guards drag me away.
Fucking Ba'alabeth. She wasn't even good in bed.
(Yes she was.)
"Hold on a minute," I say eventually. "You want me to just leave you here, right?"
yes.
"For someone else to find."
perhaps
"Meaning that you
think there's a chance of getting this purpose of yours accomplished?"
it is … possible.
"Just not for . That's what you said, isn't it?"
i do not mean this as a negative judgment --
"It sure sounds like you do!"
i was attempting to be polite. you are not up to the task. you are not a great warrior or a leader of men. you are a thief.
"I keep up with my fencing, you know. I won the last tournament at our salle." Admittedly, that had been because the best fencer had been bedridden with mysterious swelling of the tongue, thanks to something I'd convinced his wife was a spice all the rage at court. Old habits die hard.
as i said. it would almost certain result in your untimely death.
"
certainly?"
nothing is ever truly certain.
"Except for the fact that if I sit here with no food or water, I'll die."
except that.
"Then fuck it!" I slap my knee with my free hand. "I'm in. No harm in trying."
there could be a great deal of harm in trying.
"I said I'm in! Let's do this. Overthrow the ruler of the world! No problem."
i sense that you are not fully sincere.
"I'm working up to it." I get to my feet. "So are you going to help me? Or is it kickball time?"
Gray lets out another sepulchral sigh.

