I stood there bathed in silence, arm outstretched with a single finger extended above my fist. Have you heard the expression 'able to hear a pin drop'? No pin dared to drop. No creature dared to breathe. Even the flames stopped flickering, afraid to make any sound.

  I smiled as I prepared to die for the second time in five minutes. At least I'd have fulfilled my pledge to Mrs. Ramirez. I'd had a second life, and I'd spent the entirety of it doing good. It was pretty satisfying, in a way. It was the easiest promise that I hadn't broken.

  The air above the dais shimmered gold, and every demon in the chamber recoiled as if burned. A figure descended through the rift—humanoid, wrapped in radiance that made my eyes water. Wings of pure light, wide as they almost touched down between the Demon King and me. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I couldn't believe it. An angel had come to rescue me. Thank you, Mrs. Ramirez. You saved me after all.

  The angel bowed its head in deference. Actually bowed its head before this monster. I guess it never hurts to show a tough guy respect.

  "Your Majesty," it said, and its voice rang like struck crystal. It was beautiful. I craved hearing it speak more, but waited for the Demon King to incinerate us both.

  The angel straightened. "The Light has marked this man, and he is not available for you to claim. He has so chosen, and did confirm his path by rebuking you. He is henceforth to serve as a paladin of the Light."

  A beat of silence.

  Then the Demon King growled.

  Not a chuckle. Not a dark rumble. A growl that grew from something that could only be felt to a roar Godzilla would be proud of. It shook the chamber, sending cracks spiderwebbing through the stone floor. Lesser demons scattered. The cultists pushed to get away from him.

  "Marked by the Light?" The Demon King's form rippled, shadows dancing with blue flame. "An angel comes to my domain to tell me this? After I cultivated him for forty years? How delightful. Have you anything else to add, Messenger?"

  "Your Majesty." It bowed its head again and floated into the air, where it disappeared. So much for being rescued. I had no doubt I wasn't worthy of going home with him, but I'd have been happy if he'd dropped me, naked as I was, me on a random street corner in Tijuana on a Saturday night.

  The temperature, which had previously been sweltering hot, though from the collected bodies and torches or merely from the fact that we were in hell, I did not know, started to drop. I don't mean became temperate; I mean that sulfur began to condense out of the air, forming a yellow fog that froze and fell to the floor as a coating of yellow dust. I noticed that the robed figures had started to shuffle away from me and the elf girl. I chanced a glance over my shoulder and saw them clearing the line of fire behind me. I looked at the demon and smiled even more broadly. Here it comes. I'm sure I positively beamed at him. “I beat you, you sonofabitch. With God as my witness, I beat you.” Hopefully, I could still goad him into finishing me quickly.

  I felt the ground shake beneath my feet. It started as a minor vibration, then grew into a tremble, and finally into shaking. The cultists began to panic and run around looking for somewhere to shelter. They knew that anywhere was safer for them than here.

  "Bwah hah hah hah hah hah hah!" His laugh alone drove me back and nearly killed me. The elf-girl whimpered as I fell against her before I collapsed to my knees. I dared a look at him only to see what one might call a smile split his face. It revealed a terrifying array of pointed teeth as he threw his head back and laughed. I wondered if I should seize on the moment to flee, but I didn't know where I'd escape to.

  After a full minute of the earthquake, the demon appeared to wipe tears out of his eyes and flick them to the ground, where they sizzled on impact. He took a moment to collect himself. "You are truly the mighty champion I expected! Nothing but the most evil, most depraved man would have the audacity to defy me to my face in front of witnesses. How you pulled the trick with the angel--you had me going there."

  What?

  "You will make a fine champion for my legions. You will go forth and spread my will across the land. You will make streets run with blood and oceans boil. Oh, what you will become at the head of my armies, doing my bidding."

  "I won't do your bidding. In fact, I'll kill you myself if I get the chance."

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  "Such spirit. Such defiance. Witness this, my followers! You have seen the birth of a future legend. A champion the likes of which hell has never seen. I need a contract devil! Present one to me!"

  One of the cultists nearest the Demon King had been inspired by my actions.

  "Get one yourself."

  He caught fire and began to burn, screaming at the top of his lungs. Mercifully for my ears, it was over in seconds and nothing but a cloud of carbon that remained suspended in the air, briefly floating to settle to the ground along with the coating of sulfur.

  There was a commotion off to my left, and the crowd parted as four robed figures carried a bound and gagged devil to their king before dropping to their hands and knees and crawling away backwards away from him.

  The devil lay trussed on the stone floor like a prized pig. Ropes bit into his crimson skin at the wrists, ankles, knees, elbows, and wings. A strip of black cloth was tied around his face, though his amber eyes blazed with a mixture of fear and indignation above it. His elegant horns—curved back from his forehead in what might have been aristocratic swoops—scraped against the stone as he twisted his head.

  The devil was no doubt tall and clearly lanky, perhaps six-foot-two if he could stand, lean and angular in build. His formal coat, festooned with an absurd number of brass buttons, had been rumpled by the bindings. The cravat at his throat sat askew, tied with the confidence of someone who had no idea how cravats actually worked. One shoe had come off in the struggle, revealing a sock festooned with dollar signs.

  "Why is he bound?"

  One of the groveling cultists pressed his head to the ground before the Demon King. "He is slated for execution, m'lord."

  "Execution delayed." He pointed a finger at the bound demon, and the bindings disappeared. "Draft a contract, worm. Bind this one to my service. I'll seal it with my mark."

  "Of course, your excellency!" The devil somehow managed to pick himself up and brush himself off while he simultaneously bowed to his king in one fluid motion. "Nebuchadnezzar Aristophanes Aloisius Hieronymus Chrysanthemum is, as always, m'lord, at your service." His bow was expertly delivered with flurries of the hand.

  "You should be executed for that name alone. Write."

  "Yes, m'lord. Ah, what is the contracted's name, m'lord?"

  "Tell him your name, champion."

  I wanted to defy him, but pitted against his, my will crumpled in a millisecond. I couldn't resist the command. "Chuck."

  Nebuchadnezzar Aristophanes Aloisius Hieronymus Chrysanthemum made a parchment and quill appear out of nowhere and wrote so quickly that smoke rose from the contract. Within seconds, it was six feet long, smoking, and threatening to burst into flames. "Your contract, m'lord," he held it reverently up to the demon king. "If I may be so bold as to point out a few clauses that I think you should review before you put your mark on it?"

  The demon king snatched the contract from Nebuchadnezzar Aristophanes Aloisius Hieronymus Chrysanthemum's outstretched arms and walked towards me. "If I wanted to read contracts, I wouldn't have bred your kind."

  I stood paralyzed as he approached me. My defiance had been one hundred percent bravado as I was convinced that I was already a dead man. But now, as the manifestation of evil stood before me, I understood what a petty and small man I was, and how irrelevant my entire life had been. I had wasted it, and if I lived another five minutes, I swore once more to follow through on the oath I'd sworn to Mrs. Ramirez.

  He clamped a giant hand on my skull and lifted me to my feet. "With this mark, my champion, I claim you as my property." He held the contract up to my chest and pressed his finger at the bottom in place of a signature. The contract contracted on itself and turned into a blazing seal that seared my chest even as it branded my soul. I fell to my knees from the pain and shock. I wanted to scream as I'd never screamed before. Scream so loud that my soul left my body. But I wouldn't give the bastard the satisfaction. Screw this guy. My head went back, and my mouth flew open, but I clamped my lungs shut and let nothing escape but a grunt.

  The Demon King bent down and took my head into its immense hand again. I couldn't resist. I had no control over my body as pain still eddied around my nervous system. He lifted me by my head, and my body swayed slowly beneath me. He could snap my neck with a flick of his wrist. I tried to stare defiantly into his eyes, but one eyelid refused to open more than halfway, and the other was twitching like a tweeker huffing spray paint. His fingers burned my skin like frozen metal. I was afraid it would peel off when he let me go.

  "Now, captain of mine. Your first assignment: some idiot contract devil transferred ownership of a village that should be mine to a baker in Prague. I don't know where Prague is, and I don't care. You are to take back my village and subjugate it in my name. If a soul refuses to bow to you, reap them. I know what I am owed, and I always collect my debts."

  "Gnnn. Piss off, dick breath. Go do it yourself."

  "Bwah hah hah hah hah hah. Oh, I like you. I like you." He dropped me, and I did the best imitation of a pool of goo as I could, given that none of my muscles would fire for me. As he turned to leave, he snapped his fingers, and a glowing swirl of purple energy appeared not far from me. "Put him through the portal. Let's see how he does."

  Cultists jumped into action, dragging me towards the shimmering energy. I could see a quaint village through it. It looked like a nice place, and the sun was rising. I didn't know exactly where it was, but if it wasn't here, I was okay with it. The robed figures took me by the hands and feet and started to swing me to throw me through.

  "What do we do with the maiden, your Magnificence?"

  "She's useless now. Throw her out along with the rest of the trash."