What do you do when an unstoppable elf meets an immovable god?

  You act fast and stick the elf in the inventory before she breaks the world, obviously.

  “Did you have to do that?” I asked, belatedly realizing Galia had been stored as well. Either the System considered her not quite fully conscious, or it had assumed consent since I was effectively her parent.

  “Do what?” Cosmo replied, looking genuinely surprised.

  “You know what she thinks of you,” I said. “Is this really what you want your first impression to be?”

  “Hey! I just appeared when you called for me. Isn’t that the highest courtesy a god can give his Champion? I’m hurt, Greg. You take that back. You take that back right now!”

  I sighed. “I’m gonna have to find some secluded spot to bring her out. In case she vents her anger on some poor animal.”

  “Greg,” Cosmo said in a sympathetic voice, putting his arm around my shoulder as though he had nothing to do with this. “I’m sure you’ll figure it out.”

  “Whatever,” I said, knowing better than to argue with this guy. “Should we head to the bar?”

  Cosmo grinned. “I thought you’d never ask.”

  The bartender wore his signature white suit, and the establishment’s patrons were as lively as ever. People chatted and laughed and checked their phones, dressed in jeans, t-shirts, and outfits from my old world. All figments of Cosmo’s imagination, of course, though a comforting sight nonetheless. Which, I assumed, was why Cosmo picked the setting in the first place.

  “Well, are you going to let her out?” he asked as he expertly wiped the counter, set down a rocks glass, and poured out some top-shelf whiskey for me.

  “Not unless you want your bar to get trashed,” I said, taking a sip. Good stuff, as always. “I guess it wouldn’t matter even if she did. Not like any of this is real, anyway.”

  “Exactly!” Cosmo said, pointing a finger at my chest. “That’s the point, isn’t it?”

  “What do you mean?” I asked, taking another sip.

  “I mean that her powers don’t work here!”

  That was true, wasn’t it? Cosmo could block off any powers he wanted. This was his space, after all.

  “She’ll still spite you the whole time,” I said.

  Cosmo hung his head. “I’m sad, Greg. I’m so sad that you have such little faith in my geniality.”

  I hesitated. This meeting would be an absolute disaster, but maybe it’d be good for Aerion. Now that Cosmo had forced the issue, it wouldn’t hurt. Not like it could get a whole lot worse.

  “Alright, fine,” I said, finishing my glass and setting it down. “Let’s give this a shot.”

  Both Aerion and Galia popped out at the same time—Aerion looking thoroughly confused, and Galia in her arms, staring big-eyed at the room.

  “What—where?” Aerion asked, spinning around.

  “Hey, it’s okay,” I said, rushing up and holding her arms. “You’re safe here. Everything’s all right.”

  I could feel her fear lessen as we embraced, but her confusion lingered as she took in the scenery.

  “Where are we?”

  “Nowhere, technically!” Cosmo said from behind the bar. “Welcome to my bar. Can I get you something?”

  “Oh, no, it’s all right. I’m—” Aerion began, before spotting the owner of the voice.

  “You!” she said, breaking free from my arms to charge at Cosmo—only to stop halfway. “My power. It doesn’t work!”

  “Well, yeah,” Cosmo said. “This is my space. Not Myspace, but my space. Get it?”

  I groaned, facepalming.

  “This is your domain, then,” Aerion said, wisely ignoring Cosmo’s antics. “Why did you bring us here? Are we captives?”

  “Relax, Aer,” I said. “This is where Cosmo always brings me to have our little chats. Well, not always, I guess,” I said, recalling the beach with the Aerion masseuse who had suddenly turned into Cyrus—the Cataclysm dungeon’s boss. And then there was the Tokyo bar, which I wouldn’t mind visiting again, to be honest. But this place was the coziest spot he’d shown me thus far. I kinda liked it.

  “Come on, take a seat,” I said, offering bar stools to both Aerion and Galia. “Welcome to a little snippet of Earth.”

  That got Aerion’s attention.

  “This is… from your world?” she asked, looking around curiously.

  “Yeah. Believe it or not, this was where I met Cosmo,” I said. “Walked into a bar after a long day. Was looking for a drink. Got a new life instead.”

  “Greg,” Aerion said softly, squeezing my hand.

  “Oh, it’s fine,” I told her. “Better than fine. But it is nice to get to come back here every now and then.”

  Cosmo nodded several times from behind the bar, looking quite smug with himself.

  Aerion chose to pretend Cosmo didn’t exist—a decision I was more than happy to go along with.

  Unwilling to let Aerion remember her anger, I seized the opportunity to narrate the story of our first encounter, from the conversation Cosmo had with the biker about my life, all the way to my little trip into outer space.

  Both Aerion and Galia hung off my every word, though in Aerion’s case, it was because she loved stories of my world. As for Galia, well, she must’ve found the sounds I was making interesting or something.

  That, and the attention she was getting.

  The tale has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.

  She ran happily around the floor, nuzzling everyone who would pet her. Several picked her up as though a baby phoenix were the most commonplace thing in the world. That included Cosmo, who kept doting on the little beast, offering her peanuts and other bar snacks. She quickly grew attached, much to Aerion’s annoyance.

  My audience of three quickly grew as the tale unfolded, with more and more people laughing and clapping me on the back. I almost went along with it until I remembered they were literally all just avatars of Cosmo.

  Still, the atmosphere warmed noticeably. Enough to break Aerion’s shell of ice. I even caught her giggling at moments.

  “Those were the days,” Cosmo said wistfully, staring off into the distance as he stroked a cooing Galia.

  “That was literally just a few months ago,” I replied. “And you’ve lived for what? Hundreds of millions of years?”

  “Yes, but still, you know? That was a fun moment. I had so much fun.”

  “Uh huh.” I narrowed my eyes. “Meanwhile, I was scared shitless.”

  “Well, that was why it was fun!” Cosmo laughed.

  I rolled my eyes.

  “This place,” Aerion said, refusing to join our banter. “Is it like a tavern?”

  I shrugged. “Yeah. You can get some food here if you want, but most people come for the drinks and the conversation.”

  “Hey now, don't knock the Cosmoburger! You oughta try it sometime. But you're right!” Cosmo said. “We need to celebrate!”

  “Uh, celebrate what, exactly?” I asked.

  “Rocky’s hatching, of course! If that isn’t a cause for celebration, then I don’t know what is, Greg! This calls for something special.”

  “Alright,” I said, never passing up a good drink or five. Not when they were free, and especially not when I could get shitfaced and go right back to normal when I went back to the real world. No hangover. No fitful sleep.

  “What are we talking?” I asked. “A 20-year? 22, maybe?” I said, feeling a pang of guilt for suggesting such expensive alcohol before realizing that Cosmo’s entire bar didn’t cost him a dime. And even if it did, the guy was a god. He could afford it.

  “Nothing so mundane,” Cosmo said, bringing out one of the most beautiful bottles I’d ever seen. It was a circular red and amber glass bottle that had a hole in the middle, making it resemble a giant ring. It looked like it’d hold the type of whiskey you’d only find in the sort of establishment billionaires hung out at.

  He poured out a glass and offered it to me, setting the bottle on the countertop—which I noticed Aerion eyeing as well.

  Apparently, it was called ‘Time Space Mastery.’ I had no clue what whiskey had to do with mastering space and time, but what did I know? That was one badass bottle.

  “May I, Mademoiselle?” Cosmo asked Aerion, earning himself a scowl.

  “I’ll not have your poison.”

  I laughed.

  “What?” Aerion asked.

  “No, nothing,” I said. “Just that it truly is poison. But come on, you should try it,” I said, offering my own glass. “This is some of the best whiskey I’ve had, and I’m not even a whiskey guy.”

  Aerion frowned, glancing between the exotic bottle, my drink, and Cosmo—before finally sighing and accepting the glass. She took a small sip—and immediately gagged, coughing in a fit.

  “This is… this is awful!” she sputtered. “How do you drink this filth?”

  Cosmo and I burst out laughing.

  “Well, as they say in my world, it’s an acquired taste,” I said, taking another sip. “But damn, Cosmo. This really is incredible stuff.”

  Aerion gave me a ‘What’s wrong with you?’ look that I happily ignored.

  “It better be,” Cosmo said. “This thing goes for more than some Ferraris in your world. I hear you gotta be a celebrity to get one, too.”

  “I can believe it,” I said, relishing the taste. “Why don’t you just get her some mead instead?”

  “No thank you. I’m quite alright,” Aerion said, her pout clearly indicating she was most definitely not alright.

  “Your wish is my command,” Cosmo said, pouring out a glass for Aerion, which, after a long and distrustful glance, she actually accepted, sipping quietly as she stared at the bar.

  “What a fascinating place,” she said, staring at everything except Cosmo. It seemed Aerion had decided to continue pretending the deity didn’t exist. Which, quite frankly, was probably the best choice she could have made as far as my heart was concerned.

  “These sorts of places are a dime a dozen in my world,” I said. “They vary in fanciness and vibe, but you find them in pretty much every country. Some are much fancier, of course, but this is a pretty good example of what an average bar looks like.”

  “Hey, now! Don’t go calling Cosmo’s B&G average. It’s anything but!”

  I shook my head, while Aerion just ignored him, opting to walk around the room, touching the vinyl booths and the wood as though they were some sort of exotic material.

  “These lights,” she said, looking up at the ring light chandelier that hung above the bar area. “To think you accomplished this without magic… Electricity, yes?”

  “Yep.”

  “But I’ve not seen lights such as these,” she replied, staring at one of the ring light chandeliers hanging above the bar.

  “LEDs,” I said. “If your people keep up their technological trajectory, they’ll probably discover it someday too.”

  “I wouldn’t count on that,” Cosmo muttered, making me raise a brow. What exactly did he mean by that? As usual, the god didn’t offer any details, and I knew from experience that asking about it would just earn me the run around.

  The deity smiled brightly as he stroked the baby phoenix, eliciting coos of delight from the happy chick, much to Aerion’s chagrin.

  “Why so glum, chum?” Cosmo said to Aerion, completely oblivious to the mood.

  She pouted and turned away, forcing me to answer in her stead when Cosmo looked at me.

  “Galia doesn’t get along too well with Aerion,” I said. “She’s just salty.”

  “I am not salty!” Aerion snapped, shooting me a withering look.

  “Oh my. That’s quite tragic,” Cosmo replied. “Maybe they just need a good bonding session?”

  “I’m pretty sure Galia will grow out of it,” I shrugged. Or at least, I really hoped that would be the case. Aerion had been the most excited of anyone about Galia’s birth. She loved the little phoenix to death, and that was even before she hatched.

  After losing Emma… I’d hoped Galia would, if not take her place, at least help heal the hole in her heart that I knew was still very much there.

  “Speaking of,” I said, shifting the topic slightly, “what can you tell us about her?”

  “Well,” Cosmo said, frowning in concentration as he looked down at her. “She’s Rocky. And she’s a phoenix.”

  I waited for more. There was none.

  “I honestly ought to know better at this point,” I muttered.

  “She’s not Rocky,” Aerion said indignantly. “Her name is Galia.”

  “Galia, huh? What’s wrong with Rocky?”

  “That’s what I said,” I began, before feeling the death glare Aerion leveled at me. I didn’t know if it was my Order stat or what, but it was almost like I could feel her hatred. “Galia is, er, an excellent name. Really pretty name,” I said, trying to cover my ass. “So, uh, you really don’t know anything about her?”

  “I’m just as surprised as you are, Greg!”

  “Uh huh. You summon a rock as a Champion… a rock that just so happens to be a long-lost mythical creature. What a coincidence.”

  “Tell me about it!” Cosmo held up his hand. “Scout’s honor, Greg. I’m just as happy as you are.”

  After having dealt with this character for the past few months, I was beginning to get a handle on Cosmo’s verbal gymnastics.

  He never outright said he didn’t know Galia was a phoenix—just that he was happy and surprised. Both of which might have been true. Surprised that it hatched successfully…. Surprised that she liked him as much as she did. Or hell, maybe he didn’t even know it was a phoenix, specifically. But there was no way in hell he didn’t know Rocky wasn’t just a rock.

  “Cosmo,” I said. “I get what you’re doing. But you’re never going to get me to believe you’re as dumb as you sound.”

  “I would not be so sure,” Aerion muttered. “He sounds pretty dumb to me.”

  “Aww!” Cosmo said, putting a hand over his heart. “That’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever said.”

  I would never have believed it had I not seen it myself, but Cosmo’s idiotic demeanor actually did seem to be melting Aerion’s walls.

  Maybe there was hope for reconciliation here. Maybe this situation wouldn’t blow up as I’d—

  “Order,” I heard her ask in a low voice, “why did you let my parents die?”

  Welp. So much for that idea.