I still wasn’t done with the drops, and I was having an existential crisis. Classic me.

  “Alright,” I said. “Let’s see what some of the bigger drops have to offer.”

  The next drop was the Orange Henchman Drop, followed by a Yellow one of the same type. These collectively contained 3 Conscript Upgrade Vial: Strength items, which could be used to upgrade the Strength of one of my Conscripts. I saved those. They also contained my first Portal Orb, which would return me to the nearest city waystone when broken, and a lockpick.

  By contrast, my most recent drop—the Orange Opposite Day Drop, which I’d gotten for not falling to my death off the death cliff—contained a lock instead of a lockpick. It also had an Elemental Primer Orb.

  “That Orb looks good,” Dave said, his voice clear and alert despite the fact he appeared to be snoozing. “What are the elements in this game, anyway?”

  The Orb would allow us to equip a spell of an element we couldn’t normally equip. These were exceedingly rare in the game. I was surprised to find it in an Orange box. Apparently, some boxes were more valuable than others, even at the same grade.

  “There are nine Elements and seven Aspects,” I said. “Each Aspect ties you to only three Elements, with a few exceptions. But this orb allows you to use one spell of a fourth Element.”

  Dave yawned. “Booooring. Moving on.”

  I had only two boxes yet, the claymore Smite Drop and a yellow Brutal Drop, again in the form of a cinder block. I opened that to find an Orange-grade one-handed weapon called the Mace of Decimation. It also had another Strength Upgrade Vial, which I used immediately.

  The Mace had me excited, though. It listed no Strength requirement, so I equipped it. Despite the epic name, all it gave me was +10 damage and +2 Intelligence. That was better than all the basic spears and rusty swords that made up my remaining options.

  I eyed the last box, the one Dave was asleep on, then tapped to view its contents on a screen. This one contained four of something called Energy Charges. I pulled an info box for it, only to find it was ammunition. The bullets I’d gained earlier were the same.

  Bullets for some guns, energy charges for others. There are probably arrows too, I thought.

  The final drop item was a Yellow-Grade armor, but I couldn’t be excited about it, since it was a Helm. I already had my NerveGear, so it was a paperweight to me, even though the name “Helm of Expedient Beheading” sounded badass enough for me to glance through its description:

  Helm of Expedient Beheading (Yellow Grade)

  Helm.

  +8 Damage with Axes

  Grants the user the Whittler spell.

  Whittler, I knew, was a nature spell that caused the Wooden state, which turned the enemy briefly into wood. This removed all their resistances, made them weak to fire and axes, and also prevented them from moving, but it didn’t last very long.

  Either way, I couldn’t use it. I gestured to loot all, and the claymore box vanished. Dave squawked as his bed went out from under him, and I laughed as he dropped to the floor.

  “Hey! Not cool!” he said.

  “You’re the one who’s sleeping on the job.”

  “It’s not my job,” he muttered, scanning the room. “It’s yours. Well, that was almost a bust.”

  “I don’t know. I have a decent mace now. And that Well-Aimed Rock and Storage Orb are pretty cool.”

  “But no spells,” Dave groused. We now stood in the middle of a totally empty room. The walls and ceiling and floor were all white marble, and the door itself was circular, silvery, and otherwise unremarkable. I was almost excited to start upgrading the place.

  The story has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the violation.

  “Well, to be fair, we can’t actually use spells yet,” I said. I cracked my back, then rolled my neck. I was tired. I’d been running on empty since I woke up this morning, like I was every day, but today had been a lot more intense than any normal day in the desert. Hells, I didn’t even know what time it was. Had it all spilled over into tomorrow?

  Bed or not, I was going to lie down in this room and close my eyes for a minute. I turned to put my back against the wall, so I could slide to the floor, but my foot hit something.

  I looked down. There was nothing there. I kicked it again.

  Nope. There’s definitely something there.

  “What is that?” Dave asked as I fell to a crouch. I reached out, and there was no denying it now.

  “It’s a box,” I said. “An invisible box.”

  “A Drop? Were there any Drops you remember getting from the Game Host, that you didn’t see in here?”

  “I didn’t memorize them,” I snapped. “But… I don’t think so. Besides, there’s no name on this one.”

  All the other ones had had their names hovering in front of them, just like any dropped item would in Seven Keys. This one had nothing, but it was about the same size and shape as the others I’d opened today. It was maybe on the larger side, like it might be a Green grade box or something.

  Dave shifted from foot-to-foot in excitement. “I’ve never seen anything like this before. You should open it!”

  With a one-shoulder shrug, I gestured to loot it. A screen came up, indicating the drop’s name: a Red Last Drop.

  A Last Drop? That’s odd. Is this some sort of threat?

  There was only one item inside, a blood-red belt. I tapped it.

  Belt of Bullshittery and Also Fuck You Dave (Green Grade).

  Belt.

  Gain 2% health regeneration every 2 seconds.

  Gives Dave a stupid hat because he fucking deserves it.

  Note: This item will appear as a Yellow-Grade Belt of Not-So-Expedient Beheading to outside observers. You have received this item for scaring the Conduit shitless with that glitch stunt you pulled. I would really like to get to know you better, pal. Let’s just wait until after Dave dies.

  “What in all the hells?” I said.

  “Put it on!” Dave cried. “I want to see this hat!”

  Since a belt was the only thing I didn’t have equipped, I threw the thing on. A moment later, I realized this could be a trap. I winced. I really was tired, if I was opening Pandora’s boxes without thinking twice.

  Lucky for me, it was just a belt. Nothing happened, since my health couldn’t be adjusted in this room, but the belt did materialize inside the belt loops of my dress pants. Unfortunately, it was covered in red glitter. Some of it flaked off when I touched it, sparkling to the floor.

  I looked at Dave, only to see a matching, glittery red fez on his head, complete with a spinning propeller.

  He tilted his head. The propeller whizzed. “How’s it look?” he asked.

  “Terrible,” I said.

  He pulled his head down into his breast, almost like a cat trying to take loaf form. “Perfect. I love terrible things.”

  “Does it… do anything for you? Can you even equip stuff?”

  “Nope and nope. It’s just a hat, and I can’t wear anything unless I just, like, put something on after I find it on the ground. Once, we found doll clothes on an old house in a level. Remnant caught me putting on the princess dress. He wouldn’t let me keep it.”

  I tried to picture the green parrot in a gauzy pink dress. Compared to that, the fez was nothing.

  “I’m not a cross-dresser,” Dave clarified. “I just liked pissing Remnant off. He would have hated this.” Dave bobbed his head, making the propeller spin again. It didn’t seem to be spinning like any normal hat would. He giggled and did it again.

  I looked over the belt’s description one more time. “Something tells me someone wanted to piss you off with the hat. Can you remove it?”

  “Why would I want to remove it?” Dave asked.

  Whoever had sent this drop would pitch a fit if they saw how much Dave loved the damn hat. Experimentally, I removed the belt. His hat vanished.

  “Hey!” Dave protested, straightening his neck as far as it would go.

  I put the belt back on again. The hat came back. He preened.

  “Just keep the item,” he said. “Obviously it’s perfect for you. It will counter your Bleeder effect. I would say it was probably a fan box, if not for the name.”

  “The name?” I asked, bewildered.

  “Yeah. The Red Last Drop.” He heavily emphasized the words Red and Last. “The Redlast is a rebel group operating on the fringes of the Core. At least, I thought they were fringe, but this suggests otherwise. I’ve never seen them interfere in Trash Planet before. Damn, you really are special, aren’t you?”

  I dropped from a crouch to my ass, and finally leaned back against the wall with a sigh. “Not a rebellion,” I exhaled.

  “Isn’t there always a rebellion?” Dave said cheerfully. “Sorry, that was rhetorical, yes there is always a rebellion, but most of them die fast. The Redlast are the only ones who seem to be able to evade the Conduit for more than twenty minutes. It’s pretty epic that they can send a box. Maybe they’re more organized than I thought.”

  “I want nothing to do with rebels,” I said.

  “Don’t you?”

  I’d had my eyes closed, but now I blinked several times. The light in the vault seemed brighter somehow. I realized that there was no source for it. I had just assumed the ceiling had lighting strips, because I was used to that back at my apartment, but the ceiling here was smooth and marbled. Was it glowing? It was hard to tell with all the surfaces so shiny.

  “You’re not answering my question,” Dave said. “What is your plan here, Talon? Are you going to take down the Conduit, all by your lonesome? Or are you just here to live another day?”

  “Rebellions fail,” I replied. As if that says it all.

  Dave made a little humming noise and made his hat spin again. “They do until they don’t,” he said.

  “Words to live by,” I muttered.

  Then I closed my eyes and slept.