My broski and his personal ass-kisser made their way outside, as mua popped back inside to let everyone know the coast is clear.
Naturally, some dookie did drop in their undies when they saw the mauled and decayed Armadrills, but it's a good thing I was there to set things straight!
“So… you’re saying they feel bad and sorry?” Said Milo, who’s actually eating from my lying palm. About now, he’s ready to believe in anything!
“Yesssss, dude!” I say. “I suppose eternal damnation and servitude make even the dumbest of things realize being an asshole doesn’t pay.”
I mentally nudge Done of the Avogadrills forward. My colleagues are REALLY fucking skittish, as they fucking pussyfoot it back a bit.
“Drilliam, I want you to do the same thing you did with me and apologize to these fine-ass men and women for what you and YOUR KIND did to our world!” I am literally a fucking DICTATOR!!
“Rrrh… Raaauuhh…”
It’s good to be in power!
“So you can… control them now?” Sarah, innocent Sarah, Sarah who probably never picked up a MAN’S game from the Diablo series, probably isn’t really versed in how a Necromancer works.
Oh well, always glad to make people woke! “Control is such an ugly word~!” I muse, watching as Drillan fires another drill into a tree just because I can. “Let’s call it a mutually beneficial arrangement where they do WHATEVER I tell them and get nothing in return except the joy of continued semi-existence!”
Corenya shifts beside me, her massive frame blocking out part of the sun. “The living always fear what their feeble minds cannot understand,” she observes coldly. “As if your frail bodies are somehow more worthy than the eternal strength of the undead.”
More students creep forward. Something something curiosity bad for cats! Nanana, I can’t troll these guys; it’d scar them for life!”
“Spoken like a true edgelord!” I beam.
And then notice the Ray, the Raytard, eyeing me. I smile at her and I pray to the gods she doesn’t think I’m flirting with her.
Her face crinkles and wrinkles. No idea if she understood or Ray’s just being Ray.
Milo steps up, ever the voice of reason. “Okay, so we know that other Monsters can’t get into Dungeons. We should focus on finding supplies, gathering other survivors, and maybe even grinding the Marchers.”
The class murmurs in agreement. Someone mentions the cafeteria, another the gym for makeshift weapons. It’s all very ‘Lord of the Flies’ meets ‘The Walking Dead.’
I listen to all their planning and rock back and forth on my heels, with my hands clenched in my pockets. All this talking about ‘we’ makes a knot in my stomach…
“David, you got numbers! You should do both recon and supply runs.” Said Momo.
“Yeah, about that…” There’s no easy way for me to say this… “I’m, uhh… I’mma do my own thing… and leave.”
The buzz of the conversation dies faster than light travel. Every eye turns to me, including Corenya’s invisible ones behind that narrow slit.
“What do you mean?" Milo asks, his brows furrowing.
I take a deep breath and try to string together words that don’t sound completely selfish. “My family, dude. My pappies, my grandpappies… and Michael…” I kinda trail off as… bad scenarios start popping up left and right.
“They’re not into games.” I bring my arms down, then let them fall. “They’re probably thinking how this is all an elaborate joke and… if I don’t find them soon, then something terrible is gonna happen.”
I collect my thoughts and press on: “And as for MC, I just… hmp~!” Omigod, I’m such a fucking retard. “It just don’t feel right to leave him on his own! It just don’t! It would be such a relief to… i dunno, make sure he’s alright…”
“But… where does that leave us?” God, why does he have to make my heart into SUCH fine powder?
“Look, for what it’s worth, I really would’ve broken my back for you, M,” I say a little somberly. “But… I really need to do this first. Otherwise… what’s the point of it?” I bring my hands up. I genuinely have nothing else to say. If my words don’t convince him, then tough tits…
Milo’s face does that thing where he’s trying to be mature, but I can clearly see the hurt seeping through. “So you’re like… going alone? Out there? With those things everywhere…?”
I gesture to Corenya and the Drillah boys. “My guy, I got Muscle Mommy and the Drillah Boys to watch my six. Oh, and should they expire on this saga, I can alwaaaays make more~!” I throw in some jazz hands to alleviate the worry of my tender lover…
“That’s suicide.” Said Captain Obvious’s emo daughter. “You barfed after one Skill, the fuck do you think you’re gonna do?”
“Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence…” I clutch my chest dramatically. “I guess I’ll just close the door in their faces and let ‘em die.” I deadpan, and that blow seemed to deal heavy damage to her ego.
Or I guess not, since she had this to say. “Just so you know, you’ll help no one if you’re dead.” Again, how does she manage to say all this shit with a straight face?
“Be careful, or I might just think you’re crushing on me.” I give her a cocky smile, all teeth.
Her eyes narrow to slits, literally. “You wish.” Hoho, ANYTHING BUT! “I just don’t want Milo feeling guilty when they find pieces of you scattered across town.“
“Raymond!” Milo snaps, but I just laugh. No need to grandstand with someone like her.
“On a serious note—“ I turn back to Milo and drop the act for one more second. “There’s no fucking way I’m letting my friend and family get in trouble, and honest to God, I recommend y’all do the same.” I direct that last bit toward anyone who’s near.
Milo runs a hand through his hair, a gesture reserved only for sour grapes over here. “At least let us get our shit together; THEN we can come with you and—“
“No way, Jose!” I cut him off, shaking my head vigorously. “My folks are just fucking… scattered, and Michael could practically be in Uganda for all the shit that’s prolly happening.” I point in different directions, just to show how hectic shit really is.
“You just… don’t want me around?” Oh shit, looks like he’s feeling regret for what happened earlier today. He thought he knew that I could take it, or maybe never gave it much thought, up until now.
“Broooo! That backbreaking saying goes LOTS of ways! I wouldn’t just let anybody on my back to crack it!” I scream for the whole wide world to hear.
“Ewwww…” Somehow, Ray could be both an ally AND Homophobic at the same time! How does M put UP with her bipolar ass?!
“I’ll take care of him.” She declares and then proceeds to dig his nails in him, just to show us peasants that he’s so taken. “We don’t need your help or your… pets.”
I look at her, REALLY look at her, and for once in my life with this girl, I can’t make fun of her. “You know, for all the smoke Milo blows up your ass, I just… I can’t see it. I can’t see what he sees in you, and I don’t think I ever will.” Hoooooh… with great powers comes no greater fucks GIVEN, holy shit~~!
Let’s REALLY give it to her! I throw my hands yet again and drop this sick jam. “But hey! Must be the perks of being the lowliest of hangings of fruits evah~!”
No matter what profanities she's screaming right now, all I can focus is she's 50 shades of red~! SO, so, so worth it~~!
Alright, I’m pretty much done with her. I turn to Sarah next, who’s been standing quietly all throughout this soap opera. “Hey, S. I know we don’t know each other well, but it was kinda fun meeting you! Sorry about the whole ‘world ending’ thing putting a damper on our budding friendship.
She smiles tentatively. “You’re weird, but… good weird. Good luck in finding your family. Oh, and your brother.
“Thanks.” I turn around but stop dead in my tracks. “Hold up, I don’t have a brother! Unless you’re talkin’ ‘bout Milord!”
“Oh, umm, I thought— then who’s Michael?” She asks, a little shyly.
I pause and then proceed to give the widest smile known to man. Milo, with his IMPECCABLE foresight, already knows where this train’s headed.
“I guess the cat’s outta the bag…” I say in full somber. “Michael… is my hubby…!!” I start tearing up… “I’M SORRY, MILO…!! You’re NOT the main dish! You’re just the bread they give you someti-hi-hi-himeeees…” I let the crocodile tears EXPLODE, and I manage to like shower EVERYONE in them… MY EYES ARE GIANT SPRINKLERS~~~!
Raymond’s expression is just pure gold~! With her mouth open and empty eyes, she looks like someone who got a lobotomy. MAAAAN, I wish my phone was still intact to immortalise this moment…
“And as for you, sides.” Milo just looks at me with the deadest eyes ever. Not even my Armadrills can hope to match him!
I hugged him, and eventually, he hugged me back. The bro-hug lasts long enough to say everything we can’t put into words.
“Goodbyeee, my lovah~! Gooodbyeee, my fri-hend~~!” I gingerly go back and gesture for Corenya and my zombies to follow. “You have been the one, you have BEEEEN TO OOONE... for meee...~"
As I reach the edge of the courtyard, I give one final wave. “Thank you, thank you! You’ve all been SUCH a great audience! Let’s do a meet-n’-greet soon!” I’m walking backwards so I can see them all. Most of the people don’t know me, but I still manage to get a few laughs. Better to leave them smiling than crying, amiright?
Then I turn and face the broken world beyond the school gates. The streets are empty in that eerie, post-disaster way, with abandoned cars and scattered debris.
“Welp!” I say to Corenya as I grab a cig and adjust my backpack straps. “You ready for this treasure hunt?”
“Warm-bloods always cling so desperately to their things.” She observes. “In death, you shall all find other…”
“MAN, you are just on a ROLL with these, aintcha’!” I sigh and pat her ‘armored’ biceps.
I take one last look back at the school—at Milo, still standing where I left him, watching me go. For a second, I almost turn back. Almost.
I puff a long breath of smoke, then turn fully to give him a peace sign AND a circle of smoke!
And just like that, into the wild yonder we all go! As I make my way through the park, I try to not think about whether I’ll ever see my friends again.
NO!! Gotta stay positive, no matter WHAT! After all, that’s kinda my whole thing…
The park looks surprisingly normal— grass is green, trees have leaves, and the water fountain’s still doing waterworks!
“You know what, Corey? I’m feeling a whole hellava lot better about this—“
A tiny, pointy hat pops up from the grass about twenty meters ahead.
“What the fu—“
More pinprick hats appear, red and blue and green, all rising from the grass like the world’s most colorful game of whack-a-mole. Attached to the hats are wrinkled, a little red in the cheeks, tiny old men who give such a jolly smile…
*Through The Fire And Flames; by DragonForce*
“Watch out, these are Fey,” Said Corenya, already moving her shield in position.
“Silly me, I thought they were lawn ornaments come to life.”
“No—“ Her tone turns deadly serious. “They are creatures that use their beauty to attract uncaring prey. Do not fall for their petty tricks.”
“Mhm!” The bus full of people being turned upside down flashes in my mind’s eye.
One of the gnomes steps up and smiles at us. Maybe they’re not all that bad?
*HISSSS!*
MY MY, GRANDPA!! What sharp rows of teeth you have…
Suddenly, the grass is alive with the little monsters, pouring toward us from every direction.
“HOLY SHIT, IT’S AN AMBUSH!!” I screech and BACK it up until i bump into Corenya’s back. “Kill them! Kill them with drills and muscles and whatever else!”
*Splosh* *Splosh* *Splosh* *Splosh*
*VRRRRRRR!!!*
“Inspect!”
The first wave of gnomes reaches us, and my distracted dumbass wakes up with one of the little creatures latched onto my leg.
“Ahhh!
*CHOMP*”
[-5] [-3] [-4] [-2] [-4]
“FUUUCK, getitoffgetitoffgetitOFFF!!” I manage to kick the little bugger of a’ me and into three of its friends! They tumble like boiling pins but immediately scramble back up to their feet.
Corenya stepped forward and she swatted her giant shield in a wide arc that managed to create a strong wind that sent all Gnomes flying in different directions.
This book was originally published on Royal Road. Check it out there for the real experience.
*SCRUNCH!*
[-23]
[+10 XP]
One particular UNLUCKY gnome got CRUSHED under her boot!
But there’s just so MANY of them!! Hundreds, thousands, MILLIONS, jumping from bushes at an unstoppable rate!
Oh shit! 5 or 6 Gnomes jumped on an Avogadrill's legs and they did that thing piranhas do and ate EVERYTHING but the bones!
[-5] [-2] [-5] [-3] [-6] [-1] [-2] [-4] [-5] [-3] [-3]
“DRILLIAM, NOOO!!” I shout. “Fucking do something.”
The one-armed Avogadrill responded by POPPING some drills at the offending party!
*SHRING!*
[-16] [-16] [-16] [-16] [-16]
[+10 XP] [+10 XP] [+10 XP] [+10 XP] [+10 XP]
The sight of their fellow pensioners being turned into Swiss cheese did not stop the Gnomes, as 3 more jumped in.
WOAH, why did the sun flicker just now?
I look up to see 4 masses of lard flying in the skies.
Awww, nooo…
The pidge-things return…
“Gentlemen, FIRE AT WILL!!” I point at one of the monsters, but before one of my Undead can do something, a glob of some REALLY disgusting-looking stuff manages to hit one of them…
[-40] [-60]
[Your Zombie has died]
In the BLINK of an eye, the substance completely unmakes the Drill Sergent and leaves a puddle of bubbling goo and and motor oil.
“NOOO, my beautiful boy…” I wail.
I’m pretty sure the pungent aroma just burned my nose hairs…
“WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH THAT NAAAAAME!!!” Just by the brain-shit that’s HURLED right at me, it’s MORE than enough to bring these Mobs to extinction…
*SPLASH!*
MAN, this FUCK-ASS habit of mine is gonna get me killed. A massive glob of acid strikes Corenya’s shield, which shielded ME!
*Sszzz…*
[-18]
“Are you okay?!” I peek around her massive form.
“This armor has withstood dragon fire and Warp Taint,” she replies coolly, though I notice the muscle-like material pulsing rapidly. “Mere acid is an inconvenience.
*Splash*
[-12]
Another acid bomb lands on her shoulder and I watch in horror as it starts to eat through her armor plating, revealing more of that weird exo- or endoskeleton, or whatever the fuck…
“Oh yeah, an inconvenience that’s LITERALLY disolvin’ you!!” I frantically look for ANY way out of this mess. The remaining three Armadrills are not only surrounded by the Gnomes, but also covered in them, like they’re lining up at an all-you-can-eat…
WAIT!!!
“Drillahs, FIRE AT THE BIRD’S BELLY, NOWNOWNOWNOWNOOOOW!”
The Armadrills respond immediately, all three launching 7 drills upwards to the SKIES!
3 miss completely and sail into the distance.
Another grazes a Pigiono’s wing, sending it into a brief spiral before it recovers.
[-10]
But as for fifth, sixth and SEVENTH—
[Critical Hit — (-36)] [Critical Hit — (-36)] [Critical Hit — (-36)]
“GRRAaaghble…!!”
BOOM, right in its bloated belly!! JUST like that, that birdie’s coming in HOT to the floor—
*BRRLAM!!*
—and takes a NOTE from the book of an ISIS agent!!
[+235 XP]
[+10 XP] x12
Nice!!
[Your Zombie has died]
Aww, shit…
[Level Up]
[New Skill Acquired]
NAAISSS!!
<[Tally of the Dead Level 1]> (Passive) (acquired)
- Your Max Undead = Base Slots + [Energy/18] (0)
- Each bonus-slot minion suffers -5% Damage and -5% Lifespan
“YAHOO!!” I do a small fist pump. The swarm is slowly coming together. Too bad that big ol’ zero puts me down! You’re telling me that the start that’s responsible for raising MP could also contribute in Raising more magical constructs?
What a twist!
Still, my grin creeps back up. It’s STILL a snowball Skill. Pumping some points into Energy and we’ll make bank in no time.
But these small victories have an even smaller lifespan. The other birds saw what just happened and soared even higher… Missing XP would’ve been fine, were it not for the fact that they could still EMPTY themselves all the way from MARS!!
*Splish* *Splash* *Splush*
[-10] [-23] [-8]
“Hnyeh-hnyeh-hnyeh!” OH SHIT, the Gnomes! Okay, shit is NOT looking good! There’s, like… a lot of them now, too fucking many to deal with! How are these biochemical mortar drops NOT raining on MORE of the Gnomes?!
Corenya’s muscle swell and the Gnomes are caught off and get buried under, but unfortunately, they adapt just as fast when they start climbing over the mountain…
A better question would be why are they so dead set on killing ME!! And my UNDEAD!! Gnomes are a bigger target (debatable) and the brain rot's also tougher!
“MOTHERFUCK!!” I mentally call for the Drillh to get behind me n’ Corny, cuz being wasteful is a sin I do NOT wish to commit.
One Gnome, bigger and badder than the others, launched itself at ME!!
*SQUASH!*
[-11]
[+10 XP]
Before it can land, Corenya’s hand shoots out, catching the gnome and CRUSHING it in her gauntleted fist.
*Drip-drip-dripdripdrip*
“Wait, WAIT!!” MY BRAIN’S BIG! MY brain’s really BIG!! “Tunnel Moles!! Give them an Oil Change!!”
The two remaining Armadrills pause for a split second, then something really disgusting happens.
The holes where they previously fired drills start to violently GUSH a thick, black substance with glowing purple tones that smells like rotten eggs mixed with gasoline. The fluid sprays in all directions, far and wide, coating the grounds and DOZENS of Gnomes in the process.
“CORENYA!!” I shout and point at her shield. “Burn, baby, burn...”
The undead link fills her in on what I mean. Her helm tilts slightly, but she doesn’t question me. In one smooth motion, she drags her shield across the pavement with enough force to create a shower of sparks.
The effect is immediate and spectacular…
*Skraaaaah!*
“NGAAAAAAA!!”
“SCREEEEEEE!!”
“YIYIYIYIIIIIIIH!!!
[-13] [-15] [-16] [-9] [-24] [-12] [-21] [-29] [-18]
A giant wall of flame spread across the grass; the Gnomes stand no chance in the face of this hell on earth! Their tiny bodies turn bright and colorful before collapsing into ash.
[+10 XP] x30
I watch the carnage with glee and pride, until it all bubbles up into “DISCO INFERNUUUUUUM!!”
When the flames die down, lots of Gnome corpses, at the very least 30, litter the ground. The remaining Gnomes have retreated to the outskirts of the park, chittering angrily but no longer advancing.
“Quick!” I usher in my retinue to protect me when I’m about to give myself another hole in my head ,before they could despawn or something.
“Rise and shine, ladies!”
Once again, the shockwave of black-purple snow shoots up from my body and lands on their crispy bodies.
The gnomes twitch, then rise as one. Their once-colorful get-ups were now purple and decked out in black-woven patterns, some REALLY esoteric and weird, some just being checkered or split in black and purple…
Before I could inspect them…
“Sweet NIPPLE TWISTERS!!” I yip-yap. I guess I was just SUPPOSED to keep on using my Skills, since NOTHING was gonna tell me OTHERWISE that I didn’t need Skill Points that much…
*SPLASH*
[Your Undead has died]
[Your Undead has died]
[Your Undead has died]
[Your Undead has died]
[Your Undead has died]
Seems like today’s theme is rug-pulling, cuz what in the living and pigeon SHIT!! I look up and see the party poopers responsible!
Another massive acid blob lands RIGHT on Corenya’s own muscle blob, just as it was about to retreat!
[-69]
She took one giant step back and this could be the very first time she showed any signs of being in pain…
“Omigod, are you OKAY?!” I ask the really dumb question, but I COULDN’T HELP IT!!”
“YES!!” She growls, and I catch a glimpse of something beneath her visor… Red, glowing eyes, narrowed in what can only be described as profound irritation…
I gesture wildly at my new Zombie Gnome army, which is currently shuffling in random directions and occasionally bumping into each other.
“Guys? GUYS! Focus! I need to… attack the birds…”
They turn towards me, then look up at the circling Pigionios, clearly confused about how they’re supposed to reach enemies that are thirty feet in the air.
Also, my Armadrills are also out of perfectly good limbs or places to get a good shot at them, so…
*Splash*
I side-staple another acid bomb. DAMNIT, now what!? How the FUCK are we supposed to reach those winged RATS on ‘roids!
We would need to reach—
“THE FOUNTAIN!!” I shout, pointing at the ornate structure in the center of the park. “EVERYBODY TO THE FOUNTAIN!!”
My undead parade lurches into motion as Corenya stands on our tails as she tanks some really precise shots with acid that burned her pristine armor.
My brain is firing on ALL them cylinders because I’ve just had the most brilliant, most stupendous, most LIKELY-to-get-me-killed idea in my entire life…
But FUCK MEEEE… if it ain’t gonna be a good one!
I offer my back, hands, and legs to the Gnomes and ONE Avogadrill to reach the top! Corenya and Avogadrill #2 are kind of a stretch to go up the steps of the ornate mountain, and let’s not even get in to how pushy shit got on the top…
“Alright everybody! Tactical huddle.” I beckon them closer, which the zombies take a lil’ too literally, crowding against me legs like eager puppies. “Personal space, guys, we’ve TALKED about this.
The Pidge-Things circle overhead. We need to act fast and RIGHT FUCKING NOW!!!
“CORENYA!!” I shout right in her fucking ear, cuz I am so, so, so dumb… “Y-your Meat Balloon thing… The one where you just explode in muscles.”
Her helm tilts slightly. “What of it?”
“Can you… control when the muscles pop? Like, hold the damage and then release it all at once?” I do an explosion with my hands, just so she can now HOW big of an explosion I’m expecting.
“No.” She replies flatly. “The process is like a reflex, one that I cannot control.”
“Damn.” I tap my chin thoughtfully, and then another lightbulb goes off. “Wait a second! You’re Level 6 now, right!?”
“Yes.” Alright, cool! It’s pretty fair to say that she Levels Up when I do. Another mystery solved, Scooby Gang!
“SodidyougetanynewSkills” I blurt a lil’ too fast, like I’m a submachine gun.
“No.”
“Aw fuck… Alright, let’s try to put another Skill Point in Balloon; maybe Level 6 will show us the way…”
“I have not allocated any of my Skill Points.”
“You haven’t—” I blink rapidly. “Wait, YOU have Skill Points too!?” Oh yeeeeeah, her Skills WERE Leveled while my Undead Minion’s Skills…weren’t.
She nods once, then tells me: “Five points, currently.”
“FIVE?!” I screech. “Why, what the fuck, WHY?!” For some BIZARRE reason, Corenya withheld CRITICAL information ‘bout how to play her!!
But then it hits me. “Corenya…” I start slowly, super TERRIFIED!! “Do I need to put those points in for you?” Uuuuugh, somehow the endorphin in my brain doesn’t activate at the prospect of extra-micromanaging her. Maybe it’s cuz of all of the dying and stress?
Could be, could be…
“Yes…” Oh my God, why the restraint? “Why are you so shy, all of a sudden? Do you feel like i’d fuck up your build…?”
“No.”
“Then could you tell me instead of playing 20 questions in a life-or-death situation???”
“…”
For fuck’s sake… There is no fucking WAY someone like her would forget to gloat on how she’s so much better than everything else…
And so, that leaves us with the only possible explanation… Systemic Censoring.
But that’s a can of worms for ANOTHER time…
“Alright, let’s see here…” I rub my hands together and focus on seeing Corenya’s Status, and through our Summoner-Summonee bond, it worked!!
Corenya makes a sound like she’s being strangled…
“All right, fuck it, from now on, YOU do all the point putting! I give you permission or whatever.”
“It doesn’t work like that.” She whispers. “This decision is yours to make alone.”
Mental siiiiigh…
“All in, all in, let’s put ‘em ALL-IN Meat Balloon!!” I scream in frustration. “Oh, and lest I forgot, put your Attributes in Endurance, cuz God knows you’re gonna need it…”
[Endurance: 25 ? 32]
[HP: 130/265]
“Ohhhhh my gaawd, THANK you, ALLAH!!” I give the sky a thumbs-up, but the sun flickered again. “Do not worry, for I shall STRIKE DOWN the non-believers!”
I bring my attention back down to the Gnomes. “Alright, peeps! I need you ALL of you to get off my back! Huddle and snuggle if you have to!” I say.
“As for you, Cory… You’ll have to be on your back, just a bit.” I say, a little reluctantly. Corenya doesn’t think twice and plants herself in the middle of the platform.
“Perfect!” I slide between the two Avogadrills. “Alright, then! Drilliam, Drew! I’mma need you two to drill Corenya.”
“WHAT?!” Ooh, yeaaaah, that does not sound good when I say it out loud.
“J-just a little bit!” I reassure her quickly. “We need to store up a LOTTA Damage, so you can SHOOT me to the sky!”
“You want me to willingly take damage—” she states flatly. “—so I can throw your feeble body and the Gnomes…”
“Exaaaactly!” I beam at her. “See, we’re totally in sync!”
“We are not—” she begins, but one of the Pigioninos decides to make my point, as a bomb of acid hurls beside us. God is so good…
“It’s not ideal, no shit! But it’s either THIS or we turn into puddles of goo!”
“…Do it quickly, before I decide to crush those vermin…”
“Thanks Cory, I SWEAR I’ll make it up to you!!” I point at her. “You heard the lady! Do what you do BEST, boys!”
*VRRRRRRR!!*
[-7] [-2] [-5] [-3] [-4] [-6] [-1] [-6] [Critical Hit ― (-12)]
“GHhhrrlkssSS—!”
“Oh FUCK, OK, let’s try to steer clear of the neck, m’kay?” I coordinate my boys to go under her titty instead! CLEARLY nothing wrong will happen anymore…
[-2] [-5] [-6] [-1] [-3]
“Are you storing all that damage…?” I ask anxiously.
“Yyyes.” She grits out. “Fifty-seven points accumulated so far.”
“OH, perfect then! Just lil’ bit more, fellas…” I encourage the Armadrills to continue, whilst trying not to think too hard about the fact that I’m basically torturing my own Summon…
It’s fiiiiine, this is soooooo fine… Completely normal apocalyptic behavior.
[-6] [-4] [-7] [-3] [-6]
After a few more hits, Corenya raised a hand in the air. “Enough. Eighty-Four points stored. Any more and I shall…” Ooh, more ambiguity, how quaint…
“Got it! That should be plenty!” I scramble onto her warm and slimy belly-armor shit. 5 Gnomes manage to cling to my clothes, while the other seven remain attached to various parts of Corenya’s armor.
“Alright, Hustenya!!” I scream. “Send us sky-FUCKING-high!”
“This plan is sheer total insanity…" Corenya mutters, and… yeah, this stunt could be the death of me.
But my, oh my, what a way to go out!!!
“On three!” I call out, gripping her armor tight. “One! Two! DO IIIIT!!!”
Corenya triggers her Meat Balloon Skill.
What happens next is both the most amazing and most terrifying experience of my life. The red muscle tissue of her armor suddenly EXPLODES outward with enough force to launch me and my Gnome buddies, straight up into the air like we’ve been fired from a cannon.
“AAAAAAAAAAHHH—wait, I FORGOT SOMETHING!!” I scream as we sail upward toward the startled Pigioninos. Oh my God, STATS!! I NEED more STRENGTH!!”
[Strength: 11 ? 17]
My muscles feel tight, coiled and READY!
As we reach the apex of our trajectory, coming FACE-to-BEAK with the birds. I grab one of the zombie Gnomes clinging to my pants and HURL it with all my newfound might.
The Undead Gnome flies like a guided missile and SLAMS into the Pigionino’s bloated belly.
[Critical Hit — (-12)] [Critical Hit — (-10)] [Critical Hit — (-14)] [Critical Hit — (-18)]
*SCYAAARGHhh!!!*
“GET SOOOOOOME!!!”
*Woosh* *Woosh* *Woosh*
One by one, I launch the Tinks at the the flock, each throw stronger and more MAJESTIC than the last as I get used to my new power.
[Critical Hit — (-14)] [Critical Hit — (-8)] [Critical Hit — (-10)] [Critical Hit — (-12)]
The Pidge-things are now going into FULL panic mode, doing circles and confused screeches!!
“Take THAT, YOU OVERSTAYED ROTING CORPSES OF A JOOOKE!!!” I crow triumphantly.
As I reach for the final passenger—
—I’m coming to the end of my flight lesson.
“OH SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!’
Aaaand now I’m falling.
Straight down.
Toward the very hard, very unforgiving ground!!!!
I flail my arms, as if I could somehow FLY if i imagine it HARD ENOUGH. C’MON BABY, FLYFLYFLYYYY!!!
THWUMP!
Instead of making a satisfying splat or crunchy bone sound, I land on something… squishy. Something warm and weirdly slick that gives the impression of a water bed filled with Jell-O.
“What the—” I open my eyes (when did I close them?) to find myself sprawled across Corenya’s massively swollen chest and belly. Kinda hard to call ‘em a chest or a belly, since they’re more akin to ANYTHING but!
“Oh my God, COREEEEEY!!!” I start to hug the REALLY pleasant material, which began to contract! “Thankyouthankyou THAANK YOUUU!! I wasn’t ready to become modern art quite yet…”
Corenya sat up slowly, her armor giving this faint but really off-putting creak as her muscles gradually returned to normal size. “It seemed… inefficient… to let my summoner die so quickly.”
“*GASP*” I did not dare dream! “I KNEW YOU LIKED ME!” I scream and jump to my feet to perform a victory AND happy dance!
[+235 XP]
[Your Zombie has died]
[Your Zombie has died]
[+235 XP]
[Your Zombie has died]
I look up to see the last shit-peddling birds being PERFORATED by Zombie Gnome bites, but before it could glow up and detonate, I see the Gnomes let go and—
…
Spread their wings and FLY AWAY?!?!
*flap-flap-flap-flap* “Skreeee!”
[+235 XP]
They’re so gorgeous. The purple with the toxic green mix, just like peanut butter and jelly, opening from their shoulder blades in a butterfly spread that shouldn’t fit their tiny bodies.
But life— oops, sorry, unlife finds a way.
“WE DID IT!” I throw my arms in the air and—
[Critical Hit — (-2)]
“WHOOPS!!” I accidentally smack one of the Gnomes who didn’t manage to catch a flight with us.
A thing of the distant past, as now he also rocked the same pair of wings.
“Excuse me, big man, but we FUCKING DID IT!!”
The Gnome doesn’t seem to mind. Its purple eyes were fixed vacantly on a point somewhere over this time and space…
“Inspect…?”
So… all that fiddle-fucking-around… was for naught…? Oh, for the passion of God… Welp, no need to fucking prance about it.
I turn back to Corenya, who’s now standing at her full height again, her armor a little dented and acid-burned, but EVEN MORE impressively intimidating.
“That…” I declare, with hands on my hips. “…was the coolest thing we’ve EVER!! Let’s do it again!”
…
“If we do,” She says. “Then next time, there may be some accidents.”
I ZIP my lips but then proceed to unzip ‘em again. “But seriously, that shit was so BALLING! It was like playing ANGRY BIRDS in real life, ooooohhh my GAAAWD!!” Once more, the giddy levels are going CRITICAL!!
…
“I suppose it was… not entirely unpleasant.”
“RIGHT?! Ohhh man, this is gonna be so FUCKING good~! It’s all upHILL from this point, C!” I try to grab her uh uhhh… part of her armor—that doesn’t make me a sexual harasser—but then I remember that she’s literally covered in bird shit.
So yeah, it’s the thought that counts, right? “Admit it, you DO have fun!”
“Sure, when people like you don’t use me as the punchline...” She grumbles, but I swear I catch a smile! Even if it’s like… covered.
“Well then, get used to having LOTS of fun, bestie!” I tell as I do a double flik-flak down the well. “Shit’s about to get even more hilarious!!”
