I ended up having to sit down. My knees were weak and I was just terrified something would go wrong.

  What if the book refused to open again.

  I set the book down gently on the table before me, then gasped when it lifted itself slightly and slammed back down with more force than I would have thought possible.

  The poor table creaked under the strain, the thud echoing across the room.

  Mrs. Blurtz gasped.

  Wouldn’t that be fantastic… I start breaking her furniture before even getting started.

  Just like the stairs.

  I sighed and reached out to open the book.

  … Which opened effortlessly, much to my surprise.

  And the words began flowing.

  You forgot to change your pants?

  I let out a strangled cough, hurriedly adjusting my cloak to make sure they couldn’t be seen.

  “It was an accident,” I whispered.

  Do I look like I care? At least your audience seems properly awed.

  I glanced up to see Mrs. Blurtz practically hyperventilating as she watched me.

  “I’m pretty sure she is just terrified I’m going to break everything,” I clarified. Behind her, Bugz picked his nose and studied it with rapt attention, before flicking it hard enough it got lodged on the ceiling.

  Remind me to clean the ceiling. That was disgusting.

  At least we agreed on one thing.

  “So what do —“ I whispered.

  The book cut me off, writing before I could finish.

  The most important rule of magic, Beeg.

  I leaned forward as the page turned.

  One must look the part.

  I blinked.

  Now hold out your hand or something, and repeat the words after me.

  So I held out my hand, feeling quite ridiculous.

  What felt even more ridiculous was reading the words aloud.

  “Herbst. Angst. Isiah.”

  And on and on it went.

  At some point the book left me a note in the margins.

  Yes, these are all gibberish, but you look right proper doing it.

  I tripped over the following words, which probably didn’t matter since they were gibberish anyway.

  Stolen from Royal Road, this story should be reported if encountered on Amazon.

  I glanced up just to make sure. My audience remained just as I left them, with Vaarg and It snickering.

  My ears warmed.

  I was speaking gibberish.

  To look cool.

  Then the book slowly lifted off the table and I felt like something latched onto my very soul.

  I gasped as it tightened.

  Then I remembered the book saying it wanted to see how much it could squeeze out of me.

  It couldn’t possibly have meant it literally!

  I looked up at Vaarg in panic, unable to breathe nor move.

  He stood up instantly, moving my direction.

  Then the room exploded, and I knew no more.

  ____

  Stupid sighed happily.

  Beeg was just the greatest, he even had mageek pants!

  And they had lots of different colors — probably for all of the amazing types of mageek he could do!

  There was even a color that was the same as her new and most favorite dress!

  Which meant Beeg probably chose the color because he liked it too!

  Yep, Beeg was just the greatest!

  Then he started doing his mageek and Stupid gasped.

  She had never seen mageek like that before!

  He sat before the table, hand held over the book like he was pulling something out of it.

  The book would lift slightly, the pages fluttering.

  Then, Beeg started speaking Mageek!

  “Boss, look!” she whispered, looking at Boss.

  But he just sipped his tea and rolled his eyes, muttering something about “show man ship.”

  Stupid had never seen a ship! Maybe she could see one too?

  Maybe Beeg could summon one?! Like she could sneeze portals?!

  She gasped and watched closer.

  Then the lights started flickering and the book started glowing.

  It and Boss looked at each other and sighed.

  Stupid sighed, too. It really was just so amazing!

  Then Boss got up quickly. Stupid knew it was serious, because Boss never moved quickly.

  Then the air exploded so loud, Stupid thought she might have sneezed accidentally.

  ____

  I blinked myself awake to a massive headache, immediately closing my eyes when the light hurt too much.

  I tried again, slower.

  I could make out shadows, shadows that quickly resolved themselves into Vaarg and It.

  It standing over me with a hand on my forehead.

  Vaarg next to me beating the book with a stick he had magicked from somewhere.

  I smiled.

  I liked Vaarg more.

  My hearing returned shortly after.

  “… Book! How dare you! He is my student! Mine! How dare you abuse him! That is my right, and mine alone.”

  My mouth soured a bit. Of course he wasn’t defending him.

  Isighed.

  “Beeg! This is absolutely LOVELY!” Mrs. Blurtz screeched, dropping to the floor next to It and wrapping me in a hug, sobbing softly into my shoulder.

  I hugged the tiny goblin lady back gingerly, my head still pounding.

  “I’ve never had anything so lovely.”

  I looked around the room.

  And froze.

  Every single item in the room.

  Was pink.

  The floors were a rose marble.

  The tables were the same. In fact, they looked like they were actually attached to the floor.

  The walls were pink.

  The curtains. Pink.

  The chairs were a pink wood I had never heard of before. Probably some magical wood the book made up.

  “You like… this?” I asked incredulously, flicking my eye to the ceiling.

  At least the book hadn’t missed a spot.

  “Oh Beeg, it’s everything I’ve ever wanted. Thank you. Thank you so much!”

  “Teach you!” Vaarg bellowed, swatting the book so hard with the stick it flew across the room and smashed against the far wall.

  “I… I’m so glad you like it,” I croaked. “You’ve been very good to me.”

  “I won’t raise the rent, I promise,” she sobbed hysterically.

  What?

  “An’ you can have a free breakfast every morning!” she continued, sitting up and pulling out a kerchief to wipe her eyes before blowing her nose. “You still have to pay for dinner, though,” she amended.

  I smiled.

  “Wha’ in tha’ nine ‘ells ‘append in ‘ere,” a goblin so old he was nearly bent in two hobbled in, dropping his mug in bewilderment.

  “Mrs. Blurtz’ Tavern just became Mrs. Blurtz’ Palace,” she smiled, standing up.

  “You love it, don’t ya’?”

  The goblin coughed and shambled over to a table.

  “Food still the same price?”

  “For you, yes.”

  “I love it then.”

  Vaarg kicked the book a final time before walking over to me.

  “Squeezed an impressive amount of magic out of you, I’ll say,” he grunted. “Maybe we will make a mage out of you yet. Itzemus, get the book back on its pedestal and Beeg into bed. He will need rest. You can have the rest of the day.”

  “Stupid too?!”

  Vaarg exhaled.

  “Fine.”

  “YETH!” she cried, pulling on her ears. “Stupid gets to spend the day with Beeg!”

  “I expect all of you back to work tomorrow.”

  With that he turned and waddled out the door.

  I slumped back, my head pounding, at let the darkness take me.