It was almost dark when I finally came back home. The closer I got, the more the emotions returned. Bringing the horse back to the ludus bought me some more time to try to pull myself together.
Felix greeted me at the doorway. "Was everything alright? Everyone returned a while ago."
"I was just…thinking. It was kind of strange."
He frowned. "How so?"
"Well, the fact that I finally saw where you were fighting for your life—I don't even remember how many times. And…" I trailed off and reached out to take his hand, the one missing a finger, and held it to my face.
"And?"
At his gruff but gentle tone, my vision blurred again. I squeezed my eyes shut, but the tears leaked out anyway. His thumb brushed them away while everything I'd held back earlier found its way out. My father didn't say a word, gathering me in his arms to hold me tightly. As if he already knew.
"Why? Why didn't yyou—why didn't you tell me he would be there?" I struggled to speak, my breath stuttering unevenly with sobs, hating how I sounded.
"I wanted..." His voice was subdued as I pressed my damp face against his shoulder. "I knew you would worry and I wanted you to be free of that as long as possible today. You were so excited to go." It softened to a whisper. "Please, please don't be mad at me, little one."
“Fili canis.” My fingers clutched his tunic as I leaned back to take a shuddering breath. That name. I was twenty now, but every time he said it, it took me right back. "As if I could be mad at you.”
“You used to be. And now you are in tears just like before. Forgive me,” Felix begged. “It kills me to see you like this.”
I shook my head. “I'm not crying because of you. I'm crying for you."
"Oh? Why?" he asked, a faint smile appearing through his beard.
I scowled, the hiccups fading. "I don't know," I said grumpily. "Don't smile about that. You always keep things in to protect me when all it does is make me worried about you. It's frustrating not being able to help you too.”
“Ah.” Felix cleared his throat. “I see.”
“So, how do you feel knowing that he's dead now?"
He shrugged. "The only thing that drove me then and during every other fight was you, Maximilia. He was in my way and I stopped caring about him the moment the match was over."
Back then, Saturnia's parents would bring me to watch the games with them here in Romachia. But only to watch when it was Felix's turn for the mercy fights. It was only when he'd come home from the Colosseum that he'd hold open his arms, calling me that name to hug me before facing my silent treatment.
"Well, it felt good to watch him die. And if that made me an ugly person, then so be it.” I wiped my face.
He laughed. “Of course not. Not to me.”
"I'm just happy you're here. With or without me."
"No.” Felix's tone turned harsh. “Never say that again. Often, who we are is because of the people around us, and the one that matters most is my daughter. I see myself not as Felix, a retired gladiator. But as your father first."
“But—”
He cut me off. “I know. I know you want me to live for more. But I already do because of you. The only identity that trapped me was as a gladiator.”
"Oh. Alright.” His outburst surprised me. And I felt a grin spread across my face.
"Don't smile about that." My father echoed my words back at me.
I laughed before sighing and patting his cheek. “I hope we'll talk more about the things you've had to face.”
“One day. But not today.”
We sat down to eat and I changed the subject. "So, Sat and I also plan to return to the Forum. Would you like to come with us for that at least? It's incredible, gods! Especially the Solis market.
"Let me think about it," he said. But the creases around his eyes deepened. “I want to hear about your experience of today.”
The sting and shock was gone, making it easier to talk about. I recounted the Solis warriors too; he was interested to know what I picked up from watching them in action.
“They make sure to cut away their opponent's confidence. And they also really seem to take after the animal they represent for how to fight. Lots of ambushes from the jaguar warriors while the eagle ones seem more direct, but that's just a guess after watching one group fight.”
“Confidence…” he mused.
"Oh, we also found some more information about Schola.”
We'd moved to the atrium to finish drinking our wine. I recounted the details we had learned from Cyrus, from what Schola was to the news about Rome, our predecessor. Felix listened intently.
"In some ways, their information is more dangerous than Solis could ever be," he said when I finished.
“I guess their officials and ours are working closely about all of this?"
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His hand tugged the edge of his trimmed beard. "And who told you all of this?"
I paused a beat too long and his brow lifted. ?"Someone interesting," I hedged.
"Someone I should know about?"
"Maybe." My answer came with a shrug. But I couldn't hide the flicker of excitement from my voice. "When I figure that out, I'll tell you."
***
News traveled fast about yesterday's games and the defeat of the long-time champion Cyclops. Both the shop and the ludus were swarmed with people eager to catch a glimpse—or more—of Ursus. It got to the point where Felix had to post some of the gladiators to keep them out of the training grounds and to limit entry into the smoothie bar. Saturnia was with me, but we barely had time to talk. It was less about tough customers than it was the sheer number of them. They mostly asked about Ursus.
"Someone pray to Neptune to stop this flood of people," she grumbled. "I'd forgotten just how popular he is."
Felix also sent over a couple volunteers to help gather and wash glasses since we were going through them so fast.
"Maybe you should think about hiring some people to help. Especially after events like this," one of them said.
I cringed. "You're right. I'm so sorry.”
He shrugged. “One day less of training won't be what kills me.”
“I hope not. Still, free smoothies with protein for a week on me."
They perked up at that. And when it was time to politely force everyone out, it felt so good. Saturnia slid to the floor and I slumped against the cool marble of the countertop.
"If that was tough, I don't want to even imagine a full day training as a gladiator," she confessed and I just groaned in agreement.
"Well, look at the two of you. I think you'd actually kill me if I asked for a drink," a honeyed voice exclaimed over my head.
I jumped upright and dodged the marble corner of the bar to jump at the gladiator with a big hug. I hadn't spoken to him since the night before his fight.
"Thank you."
There was a chuckle in his voice as he patted my back. "Hmm, for what?"
I rolled my eyes and squeezed my arms tighter. He wheezed a tiny bit. Saturnia approached to give him a quick hug too after I stepped back.
"You handled that fight smoothly," she exclaimed.
"Well, I may or may not have worked on it with Quintus."
“That actually makes sense.” My head tilted. "But I hope you're not here to help set up this time."
Ursus stretched out his arms. "Max, I need something to do because it feels like I had two days off instead of just one." He paused. "The man I faced yesterday had no idea he wasn't the same fighter he used to be. He let his fame and success get to his head."
I crossed my arms with a smirk. "And you're not afraid of the same thing happening to you?"
"Impossible," he said, getting to work. "Felix would never let me."
The feast was just as grand as the last one. Except, instead of peacock or another meat—given Ursus's preferences—the featured dish was made of flattened cakes of spelt-dough and beans, crispy and golden under a thick wine sauce. They were decorated with violets and fried flower bulbs.
Saturnia stared in awe. "Is this how the last feast was? I...I don't even know where to begin!"
"Here." I dropped my plate that had a little bit of everything on it into her hands. "Now you don't have to decide."
"Okay, but what's that?" Praxedes pointed to a stack of soft, flat yellow disks and a bowl of red paste.
"I think it's from Solis.”
Her brother shrugged. "One way to find out."
He took a disk and studied it before ripping a piece off and dipped it in the paste. We watched as he put it in his mouth. We watched as he chewed. And we all watched when he suddenly stopped chewing.
“That doesn't look like a good sign,” I said.
Corvus leaned back and placed his hands on the table, tapping it until his fingers curled into a fist. He began to eat it faster, making a pained sound as sweat sprang out on his face.
"Are you stupid? Spit it out!" Praxedes exclaimed, grabbing his jaw. But he swallowed. "Pluto take you, you're like a dog," she grumbled.
He tipped back his wine and downed it, wiped across his forehead before he spoke. "It felt like my mouth was on fire. I think I can taste the air itself now."
We gaped when he reached for another one. His sister's hand shot out to grip his arm.
“Did you get hit in the head again?” she hissed.
Before he could answer, Flavia reached for a piece and ate it with the paste. She chewed and swallowed with a blank face, tears dripping from her eyes. “It's not that bad.”
Praxedes slapped her hands against the table. “Flavia!”
"Everyone should try it," Corvus said, already working on his second serving. His eyes watered too and his face was flushed red.
Ursus roared with laughter. "I think he's found his new obsession. And what about you, Prax. Are you going to be a coward?"
"I don't see you eating either, you irrumator." She shoved a piece into her mouth. Then wrung her hands, exhaling harshly as if breathing alone would cleanse her mouth. “Oh gods, that makes it worse.”
Ursus went next while we stared expectantly. But he just raised an eyebrow after a moment. "It tingles and that's about it."
"What? Are you serious, you cunne?" Quintus snapped. His eyes were red and he closed them, dropping his head into his hands with a groan.
All eyes turned to me. It seemed like it was my turn. I ate a piece of the bread-like thing first. It had a hearty, earthy, and slightly sweet taste. And then I tried it with the red paste. Instantly, my mouth was burning and I opened it, trying to scrape it off my tongue with my nails. I eyes the table, half-inclined to see if licking the rough grain would get it off.
Corinna wandered over. "What's wrong with all of you?"
"You have to try this!”
She stared at the table full of people in various stages of agony. "I think I'll pass. Watching you is fun enough. But from the looks of it…maybe avoid touching your eyes. And what's between your legs."
Saturnia went last. But she didn't even start to chew, her face turned bright red. She gagged and spit it out. "I can't do it. I just can't do it."
I threw my head back to laugh at her
"Well speaking of a burning tongue, mine's been burning since yesterday," she exclaimed, glaring at me in outrage.
Praxedes leaned forward, her eyes glistening. Either from pain or intrigue, I couldn't tell. Probably both. "Oh right, you wanted to tell us something, Sat."
“Wait, no!” I began.
Someone from Schola seems to have caught Max's eye."
I sighed.
Ursus clutched his heart dramatically. "This betrayal burns more than the food. What could you ever have against someone like me?"
"Or me?" Praxedes pouted, flipping her hair over her shoulder.
I shrugged. "Well, I don't do gladiators.”
The table looked at me in curious surprise.
“What? What's wrong with us!” she said indignantly. “Don't tell me you've gone full patrician.”
“Of course not! It's just that pretty much everyone who wanted to pursue me really wanted to use me to become one or get to Felix." I rolled my eyes. "And I also don't want to end up watching them die. So I'll never be with a gladiator."
That was one rule I refused to break.
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