Felicia’s office had clearly been designed with comfort in mind. Instead of the clinical whites and greys of normal infirmaries, the space was full of warm tones of brown, green and yellow.

  “Do you like it?” Felicia asked with a smile on her face. “I designed it myself, you know? From the wooden floor to the oil lamps, everything was made for comfort and comfort alone!”

  “Why the oil lamps?” Valar asked. “I’m pretty sure you would have plenty of coins to spare for magical ones.”

  “Oh, you noticed that? It’s true; I could’ve bought magical lamps instead. The reason why I didn’t is that most people tend to enjoy the warm light of the oil lamps more.”

  When he thought about it from that perspective, Valar found himself agreeing with the woman. Even though he had marvelled at the magic of it all when he had seen enchanted lamps for a while, they had kind of lost their luster in his eyes.

  “Mmh, I understand,” he nodded. “Besides, now that I think about it, infirmaries have magical lights. I’m guessing you don’t want this room to seem like an operation room?”

  Felicia chuckled lightly. “Definitely not.”

  Unlike the impersonal office space they had just been in, Felicia’s office had two sofas, one for both her and her client. She beckoned Valar to one of them, heading to brew some tea at her desk. “Would you like to have some? This particular variety comes from an orchard near Vitas.”

  “Yes, thank you,” Valar said as he sat down on the brown couch. True to her word, the sofa was absolutely wonderful to lounge on, and he found himself relaxing just a bit more as he sank into it.

  The healer took her time with the tea, and Valar waited for her patiently. Normally, he would’ve been a little bit twitchy, considering he was essentially wasting time by not doing anything useful, but even he could recognize that those thoughts didn’t fit into the space he was sitting in. He let himself relax, lowering his shoulders and slowing his breathing in preparation for the discussion to come.

  When Felicia finally put the steaming cups of tea on the table between the two sofas, Valar found himself blinking himself awake. I fell asleep? When?

  He looked to the therapist in clear confusion, getting a small chuckle out of her. “I’m glad that you’re enjoying the sofa. If you buy yourself a place to call a home in the future, don’t hesitate to ask where I got it from. I’m sure the maker would gladly sell you another one.”

  Valar grinned sheepishly. “Thanks. I didn’t notice that I was dozing off.”

  “That only means that my office is doing its job. No need to feel embarrassed about relaxing in a room meant to relax you. Now, what would you like to talk about today?”

  The walls in Felicia’s aura suddenly fell away completely, and her emotions were released like a river through a broken dam. The experience of seeing someone so guarded change to complete openness was weird, to say the least.

  Valar looked up from his tea, his surprise clear on his face. “What would I like to talk about? Do I get to decide?”

  “Of course you do,” Felicia said, giving Valar a gentle smile. “Therapy is all about going through what’s bothering you, so tell me what’s on your mind. I can help guide you if nothing comes up, but let’s at least get a starting point from you.”

  That got him thinking.

  Valar had already poured out his life story to the woman, so repeating events broadly didn’t seem like a good option. Sure, if he understood her right, she was ready to listen to his life story all over again, but it just felt like a waste of time. The topic needs to be more specific, but what should it be?

  To be completely honest, Valar was bothered by lots of things. His early childhood, the wound in his soul, fear of others discovering it, the traumatic expedition, and so on… But the one thing that came to mind was something else. The mere fact that it appeared so readily surprised the boy, but with further thought, it made sense.

  “I’d like to talk about Thomas Dremen.”

  And there it was: Thomas Dremen. Based on what he knew, the man had been a horrendous monster of a man, praying on those weaker than him for his own sadistic pleasure. Abyss, he had even tried to torture and kill Valar!

  Still, something in the deepest crevices of Valar’s mind kept nagging him about the death of that vile man. Even though everyone he had talked to had told him that he wouldn’t be judged for it, it just felt wrong.

  “Ah, him,” the healer nodded, grabbing her pen and notebook. “Just speak your mind. I’ll listen and interject when needed, alright?.”

  “Alright.”

  Talking about that particular day turned out to be surprisingly hard for him. While it was by no means ancient history, a lot had happened between the encounter on the shadowy alleyway and present day. Still, the main events were easy to recollect.

  “So you had just left the Iron Owl?” Felicia asked, writing something in her notebook.

  “Yeah,” he nodded. “My idea was to take a shortcut back to the academy through the alleyways. I was under the assumption that Rhondell was pretty safe, and from what I’ve been told since, it mostly is. That’s if you ignore the underground, of course.”

  He took a slow breath, then continued his story. “After a short while, I noticed a man following me. I tried to lose him with random turns and such, but corner after corner, he always appeared at my heel. Realizing that I needed to run, I took off.”

  “But he still followed you?”

  “Yeah,” Valar gulped. “When I finally reached a dead end, he attacked me. He said that he would kill me… Take his time with me… I…” his voice broke. “I couldn’t defend myself against the bigger man, so I drew on my fire. I… I killed him.”

  Silence fell over the room. Valar looked down at his feet, trembling from a mix of confused shame and the memory of pain. Why do I feel so bad about this?

  “You essentially did the same thing to Edwin, didn’t you?” Felicia asked.

  Valar raised his eyes to glance at Elaine, inspecting her on instinct. What’s… this?

  Having heard of his deeds, both Viktor and Elaine had been full of vitriol and righteous fury, telling him that slaying Thomas Dremen had been just and right. Viktor had gone as far as to say that there was no law, divine or mortal, that would condemn him for defending his own life and sanctity.

  Felicia was different.

  Even though she understood the situation he had been in and mostly believed that his actions had been just, a hint of judgement could be found within her emotions. Valar focused on that tiny detail and felt his eyes blur. Tears started flowing down his face, dripping on the thick carpeting below.

  Stolen story; please report.

  “That was what you were looking for, right? Judgement?”

  Nod.

  “Does it feel bad, being judged like this?”

  Nod.

  “That’s good.”

  Huh?

  Valar blinked his tears away, focusing his eyes back on the healer sitting on the opposite side of the table. “What do you mean, good? This feels awful!”

  “It’s supposed to, isn’t it? You killed a man. Sure, it was in self-defence. Sure, he was a bad person… but you still killed him. Killing other people should feel bad.”

  Valar wiped at his eyes furiously, trembling with the suppressed emotions that he had been holding in. “But Viktor and Elaine-.”

  “Are adventurers, and experienced ones at that,” Felicia lifted a comforting hand. “Now, let me preface my words by saying that I don’t think you did anything wrong when you killed Thomas Dremen. You can feel the truth in my words when I say that.”

  The woman took a slow breath. “We humans tend to avoid killing others of our kind. As a baseline, most humans feel an instinctual judgement towards those that kill other humans. When you look at a veteran of war, the question of his kill count lingers on your mind. When your team kills a group of bandits, you can’t help but think if they could’ve been imprisoned instead, am I right?”

  Valar nodded slowly, and Felicia continued her explanation.

  “That intrinsic dislike of killing can be dampened when you work in a field where killing becomes necessary. Soldiers and adventurers—especially if they are veterans—tend to look past the act of killing and delve deeper into the reasoning behind it. I’m not saying that’s wrong, but it is definitely unnatural for our species. Both Viktor and Elaine belong firmly in that camp of veterans.”

  The healer took a sip of her tea, giving Valar time to think about her words. When she put the cup back down, he gave voice to his thoughts with a simple question. “So should I feel bad about killing Thomas Dremen?”

  Felicia grabbed her chin in thought for a few seconds, then nodded to herself. “No, I do not think so. But that’s besides the point. I’m not a judge, nor am I the jury. Abyss, I’m not even the executioner! The point I’m trying to make is that it’s normal to feel bad about killing him. It’s natural to do so. That should be your absolute baseline.”

  He thought he understood her words at least somewhat. “So the natural aversion to killing others is good, but I should accept that there are exceptions like Thomas Dremen and Edwin?”

  “Precisely,” Felicia noted something down in her book, then gave him a thumbs up. “Although it’s interesting that you seemingly don’t feel so bad about… How did you say it? Punching Edwin’s head off?”

  “What do you mean? Of course I don’t feel bad about it!” Valar snorted. “Edwin needed to die!”

  “And why is that? How is he different from Thomas Dremen?”

  That… made him stop in his tracks.

  Valar racked his brain for answers, but most of the ones he got felt unsatisfactory. “I…I didn’t see Edwin die. He was also a lot stronger than Thomas, so it felt much more like a fight.”

  “Those reasons don’t satisfy you, don’t they?” Felicia asked. “I think I have an idea in my mind on why it feels so different for you, but I want you to reach that conclusion yourself.”

  “No, they don’t…” Valar muttered before returning to his thoughts. Edwin and Thomas Dremen were different people, but from my perspective, they were just criminals trying to kill me. Edwin was much stronger, yes, but does that matter? A kill is a kill…

  Felicia let him think in peace, writing something in her notebook while he pondered on the subject.

  In some ways, Thomas was much more vile than Edwin; he wanted to torture me while Edwin was more pragmatic. So shouldn’t I be feeling less bad about that kill compared to the Undying Horror? I’m pretty sure most of my friends wouldn’t fault me for-. Wait…

  Valar moved his gaze up to meet Felicia’s. His eyes were steely as he gave the healer his answer. The right answer. “He tried to kill my friends.”

  And there it was; Edwin had tried to kill his friends, while the pathetic iron rank murderer had only pursued Valar’s own life.

  “Good,” Felicia smiled. “That’s good. You value your friends highly, don’t you?”

  A matching smile sprouted on Valar’s face as his thoughts moved to his team. Thinking about Rodrick, Carla and Arthur made his eyes twinkle with excitement.

  “Based on your expression, I’m pretty sure you do,” his therapist chuckled. “And that’s good—extremely good, in fact. It’s important that you have friends that you appreciate and who appreciate you back around you. But…”

  Felicia raised one delicate finger in the air, then pointed it at Valar. “You should aim that respect at yourself as well. Your life is important, Valar. If not to yourself, then to those friends around you. You are respected. You are loved. You are not alone.”

  Needless to say, the rest of the session was mostly spent sobbing.

  Valar wasn’t ready to delve deeper into the subject of his own self-worth just yet, but the surface touch was eye-opening in its own right. Felicia gave him the chance to look at his own thoughts from an outside perspective, and it revealed a lack of self-respect he had never really seen in himself. Discovering it hurt in the moment, as Valar’s soul reminded him of the existence of his wound, but the pain wasn’t as bad as normally. It felt more fleeting, like it could actually heal with time.

  Unfortunately, he was pretty sure that the wound itself wouldn’t heal with his mind. The trauma was soul-deep, after all. Still, his mental health influenced the symptoms of that wound.

  During the month or so of traveling with team Cookie Sandwich, Valar had never truly forgotten the wound in his soul. No, it still lingered in his very core, pulsating with burning pain through every second of his life. That being said, it had been almost painless many times during his brief adventures.

  “Eating ice cream with the team, spending time at Rodrick’s parents’ house, our fight against the voltaic badgers…” Valar rattled off happy memories with his friends, and Felicia asked helpful questions where they were needed.

  The rest of the session went by just like that. Felicia didn’t try to delve further into his trauma, as rushing would’ve been reckless with wounds of the mind. It was better to trundle forward at a relaxed pace, so that Valar could dig up the nastier memories one by one.

  All in all, even though he had cried and sobbed throughout the multiple-hour session, Valar left with a smile on his face. A bit of a strained smile, considering the cost of the mind healer’s services, but a smile nonetheless.

  …

  The next day, Valar received a pleasant surprise. He had mail!

  Valar discovered the letter laying on the floor in front of his door after he had just woken up. He looked at it groggily. How in the abyss did it get through the door? Then he looked at the door in question. Probably some magic stuff or whatever…

  He picked the letter up, read the name written on it and inspected it some more. Only then did he realize who the letter in question was from. My team!

  Valar rushed to the desk in his bedroom, lighting the small magical lamp above it with a small click. His room, still cast in the darkness of the late autumn morning, became just illuminated enough to read the letter in his hands.

  With trembling hands, he grabbed the small letterknife supplied by the academy, and pulled out the piece of paper inside

  Hi, Valar!

  As you can probably guess, we are all sitting around a table here in Kilras. Predictably, the rest of the group forced me to write this letter, as by their words, a noblewoman has better handwriting than us ‘ruffians’. … LET ME WRITE IN PEACE, RODRICK!

  Valar let out a giggle, imagining the chaos that must have taken place when his team wrote their letter in Kilras. At least I can be sure that this is no forgery!

  We hope you’re doing well. Have you ascended yet? What about school? Is Zeke still there?

  A pained frown formed on Valar’s face, but he shook himself out of the negative spiral with a grunt. Let’s not focus on that…

  If you’re wondering how our trip south went… Let’s just say that it was an eventful week of travel. Rodrick got almost eaten by a snake! Also, Arthur wants to say that it wasn’t his fault. It definitely was Arthur’s fault.

  Now that that’s out of the way, let’s get to actual business.

  Kilras is… let’s just say that Kilras is unstable. The political climate is quite tense, and a group of activists has started to hold demonstrations outside the city hall. That causes a lot of problems for both the citizens and nobles, but for us adventurers, it’s great!

  Rodrik just said that I should write that we aren’t trying to take advantage of regular citizens. Duh…

  That brings me to our point. We are going to stay in Kilras, fattening our wallets and progressing through bronze rank for at least a year. Let’s keep in contact as often as the postal system allows us, but if you graduate from your bronze rank studies before a year has passed, it’s safe to assume that you should venture to Kilras on your own.

  Rodrick recommends a caravan

  With my most sincere regards, Carla

  PS. Try to keep in shape, from Rodrick

  PPS. Learn some offensive magic, from Ciel

  PPPS. Good luck, from Arthur!

  I didn’t know the others were going to write down advice… Have fun with your studies, Carla

  PPPPS. Good luck, from Arthur… Again!