“What’s the matter?” Dickhead asked as I stated at my stat screen.

  It read:

  Vitality: -81% (-579/715)

  “I just ate a whole brain and my Vitality hasn’t budged. Don’t think it worked.”

  “Uh… one moment.” Dickhead hesitated, doublechecking. “No, it worked.”

  “That doesn’t sound right. Did it heal the full amount?” Perhaps my inventory hadn’t preserved the sailor as well as I thought? That, or he was a dud.

  “Yep,” Dickhead confirmed. “It healed you for 40%. You were at negative 865 Vitality.”

  I whistled at the concerning number. It was a damn wonder I hadn’t lost another limb. “Jesus, that’s more than my max Vitality.”

  “I’m pretty sure that’s how you got the World First.”

  I honestly didn’t feel that banged up, but that was probably because of my Dead Ends trait. I went to grab the cottonlord’s head and stow it for later. No use wasting it when I’d needed to see a mender anyway. Then, out of nowhere, my damn hamstring snapped. My leg went all wobbly, and I folded backward.

  “Shit.”

  Now I’d have to eat the stupid punk and hope it fixed my damn leg. Either that, or I’d have to crawl real fast out of the hearth.

  I debated crawling through the town to get to the docs but quickly gave up on that idea. It would’ve wasted way too much time. Besides, I didn’t mind getting around town naked. But crippled? Screw that.

  I dragged my ass over to him. The fire had mostly gone out, but his corpse still smoldered. I went to use Skullcracker, but his skin was charred and his skull brittle. It gave way without the ability. Inside, I found the fire had cooked his brains like smoked barbecue.

  The smoky meat melted on my tongue. Steak wished it tasted this good. I couldn’t stop myself from moaning as I ate. Best damn brain yet. Maybe one of those Freelancers would end up being a cook, and I could have them prepare my meals in different ways.

  Not only did it hit the spot, but I could move my leg again. Curious, I pulled up my stats screen.

  Vitality: -41% (-293/715)

  Damn, I thought. Still negative.

  Consuming brains just to heal was a waste, especially since I could get attribute points instead. I pushed myself to my feet, found the portal to leave, and stepped on through.

  [Exiting resource node: cotton. Please wait…]

  [Welcome to the Overworld.]

  It’d been a waste of fifty gold to hearthrune when there was a perfectly good waygate nearby. I stepped onto the disc, selected Safe Harbor, and teleported.

  [You’ve spent: 50 gold. Total gold: 2,550.]

  My first stop after leaving the tavern was to see the doc. Walking more than a dozen feet was enough for me to notice my gait was off. I kept drifting to the right. I guess being at negative Vitality affected me more than I thought.

  The attendant greeted me when I entered the waiting room.

  “Greetings, First Patient.” The words came from my chest.

  I pointed toward the exam room. “He in?”

  Thankfully, the fungalshade nodded and waved me on.

  “Back so soon?” Dr. Patchwork teased.

  Remembering to stay on his good side, I let him have his fun and simply nodded.

  He waved his hand at the exam table. “Have a seat and let’s have a look.” The stool squeaked as he scooted over to me.

  He noted, “You’ve got all your limbs this time; that’s an improvement.”

  “Yeah, yeah.” Not one for small talk, I said, “Just get me patched up so I can get back out there.”

  A Trade Menu appeared in my face. Begrudgingly, I tapped on Accept.

  He stuck me with a syringe, emptied its contents, and said, “You’re all set. See you soon.”

  I cleared my tab as I exited.

  [You’ve spent: 493 gold. Total gold: 2,057.]

  I frowned. “Getting low on funds.”

  Dickhead saw it as an opportunity to push his agenda. “We could always find a group and run that new Instance.”

  I told him, “No, I’m looking to make money, not start a charity.”

  My gravekey was still on cooldown, so I’d have to wait to use my FrankUp coin. With a bit of luck, the mines wouldn’t have a shitty guardian. Having to work in close quarters should help. I was a grappler, after all. Just as long as I didn’t have to fight another stupid bar-bear-ian.

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  I used the waygate, and I paid my way to the next resource node.

  [You’ve spent: 50 gold. Total gold: 2,007.]

  This was the first of my two mining nodes. I stepped in to find out what was inside.

  [Exiting the Overworld. Please wait…]

  [Welcome to resource node: iron.]

  Darkness—that’s what was inside.

  “Dick, I can’t see shit in here.”

  I wasn’t exaggerating, either. I held up my hand inches from my face and couldn’t tell. For a moment, I debated backing up while I still knew where the portal was. Then I heard squeaking behind me just before a small bolt of fire whizzed by my head. It streaked into the darkness until it slammed into the ceiling, bursting into short lived sparks.

  “Frank this,” I cursed, but nothing happened when I stepped back. “What the hell?”

  Dickhead sounded concerned. “Frank, I’ve lost the feed.”

  I hopped forward and backward a couple more times. “Why isn’t the damn portal working?”

  “It’s an NCA,” Dickhead explained.

  “Dammit. Well, if I can’t see, maybe it can’t either?”

  More squeaking came from my right. This time I glimpsed the little bastard as a small ball of fire formed over its head. About the size of a beaver, it was the biggest damn mole I’d ever seen. It had shovel-shaped front feet.

  I blinked as the little swirling fireball finished forming over its head. Then, it shot right at me.

  “Shit!” I ducked as it sailed above my head and struck the tunnel ceiling, showering me in more sparks. It reminded me of summer when I was a kid surrounded by fireflies.

  “Dick, I think a mole just chucked a goddamn firebolt at me.”

  As usual, he sounded way too damn excited to name the NPCs.

  “A molemancer… I’m guessing it’s a mole with a level one sorcerer class. But you never know; it might be a wizard. Let me know if it casts any other spells.”

  The temporary light had only made it worse. Now I was blind, with bright white spots in my vision. I spun around, waiting for it to chitter again. I didn’t know why, but it seemed to make noise right before tossing a firebolt.

  What I heard next was worse. It sounded like digging. Then I remembered what I was up against. The little bastard could tunnel.

  I didn’t know what kind of cheating-ass-bullshit this molemancer had up its sleeve, but it squeaked behind me again. I wasted my moment scanning the ground; I hadn’t expected it to pop out of a tunnel on the damn ceiling.

  [Your Intellect has dropped to level 18.]

  A firebolt pegged me in the head from above. I checked the top of my head; it felt like I still had all my hair. Hopefully, Critical Thinking had preserved it as the feat had done for my eye. Mom didn’t leave me much, but she left me her hair—thick and full. My asshole of a father went bald before he kicked me out of the house.

  “How am I supposed to fight a goddamn teleporting molemancer?!”

  “Are you sure it’s teleporting?”

  “How would you explain it burrowing into the ground and popping out of the franking ceiling?”

  “Sounds like a wizard, which means it has more spell options, but they’re less potent.”

  The little bastard got me so spun around trying to find it that I conked my head into a low hanging mineshaft beam.

  [Your Intellect has dropped to level 17.]

  I growled. “This is some bullshit!”

  I was franking pissed. But instead of losing my cool, I closed my eyes and listened for the little bastard.

  The next squeak came from dead ahead. I opened my eyes, not giving a flying frank if the tiny fireball domed me again. An orange ember swirled to life, just above the molemancer.

  I didn’t stop to think. I crouched and dove with my hands ready to strangle the franking thing.

  The firebolt kissed the side of my face as it barely missed. Thankfully, I didn’t. I wrapped my hands around the little bastard, grunting, squeezing, and twisting until I got my stupid notification.

  [You’ve earned: 200 XP.]

  “Frank yes!”

  [You’ve unlocked: resource node: iron.]

  I let go of the little bastard, but most of him stuck to my hands. I probably didn’t need to squeeze that hard.

  Something shimmered in the darkness on the ground in front of me. After shaking most of the gore off my hands, I knelt down to pick it up.

  It stopped shining once I had it in my hand. I ran my still-slick fingers over it. Whatever it was, it felt cheap, like a plastic toy. I tossed it into my inventory to get the name of the item.

  “Dick, what the hell is a lesser sparkler of eventual annihilation?”

  “We won’t know until you get it identified.”

  “Or I could just use it.”

  “With a name like that, I wouldn’t recommend it.”

  I took the rinky-dinky wand in one hand and flicked my wrist. Nothing. Disappointed, I had half-expected some Harry Pottery beam to leap from the tip.

  “I’m guessing that you’re trying to use it.”

  I narrowed my eyes at the dark ceiling. I hated being predictable.

  Dickhead sighed. “You’ll have to use the incantation.”

  “What’s the incantation?”

  “You’ll find it inscribed on the side of the item.”

  “That’s… not very secret.” I ran my thumb along the edge. I could feel the grooves but couldn’t make it out.

  My gravekey still hadn’t come off cooldown, so I spent the next fifteen minutes bumping into walls looking for the damn portal. Eventually, I stumbled into it.

  [Exiting resource node: iron. Please wait…]

  [Welcome to the Overworld.]

  Once I could see again, I inspected the wand. It looked even worse than a toy. The shaft was a shitty not-quite-purple, not-quite-blue. I hoped the guy who invented blurple made it into this shitshow so I could punch him.

  A horribly mispainted yellow star sat on the end. Saying a three-year-old designed the damn thing would be a disservice to toddlers. I’d also smeared blood, fur, and guts all over it.

  Finally, I saw the incantation on the side and laughed.

  “No way I’m saying that. And only a schmuck would say that shit in the middle of a goddamn fight. Nope.”

  I tossed the wand into my inventory; I’d sell it later.

  While I could have gone back to town and picked up some kind of flashlight, I was pretty sure they didn’t sell mining helmets or headlamps. Not to mention I was running low on funds.

  My Vitality showed I’d only lost a handful of points. I figured I’d already cleared one mine, so what’s another?

  Frank it, I thought. What’s a mole-lock or a mole-adin going to do to me?

  I stepped up to the waygate and tapped the last resource node’s location.

  [You’ve spent: 50 gold. Total gold: 1,957.]

  My plan was to read the notification as fast as possible and, if it was iron—like the last one, bail if I could. I doublechecked with Dickhead first, just in case.

  “Dick, is there any reason to have two of the same resource node?”

  “No, not really.”

  “Good to know,” I said as I stepped through the portal.

  [Exiting the Overworld. Please wait…]

  [Welcome to resource node: copper.]

  Just like last time, I was dumped into darkness. At least it was a different metal.

  “Ooh,” Dickhead squealed. “Copper. We are so lucky to have found it this early.”

  He hadn’t blown my cover, but I almost did. It was easy to forget that I was the only one who could hear him. I’d almost shushed the ever-living snot out of him.

  I listened, but didn’t hear any squeaks. Curious to know if Dickhead could actually see me in the dark, I signaled: “Why?”

  I got my answer when he didn’t immediately jump into an unskippable cutscene about why copper was so damn awesome.

  After deciding I didn’t want to wait any longer for the fight, I shouted, “Hey, asshole,” into the mines.

  I heard the first whistle and then felt tiny pricks on my thigh. I had to reach down and feel what the hell they were. But before I could figure out what the smooth, needle-like projectiles were, I heard a second whistle. Then, more of them struck me in the chest through my leather jacket.

  The next barrage almost made me shit a brick.

  [Your—

  [Your—

  [Your—

  [Your—

  [Your Intellect has dropped to level 12.]

  Chapter 6 Lair map update