Maksym Drzewiecki walked across the gravel driveway towards the blood-red crystalline centipede sitting in the Clifford mansion's driveway.

  He wore a backpack on his shoulders, stuffed with Ash's dirty laundry.

  "Yo, Kawthy!" he called out, climbing up the red stairwell and through the opening that Seeker tank had formed in its side. "Got Ash's entire wardrobe here so we—"

  He stopped mid-sentence.

  There was someone new sitting in the Seeker's interior. An unexpected... alien.

  The moment his eyes struck her, he knew that he was cooked. Inescapably and irrefutably cooked.

  She was distinctively female. Approximately seven feet tall, sitting in one of the sparkly, crystalline-organic couches. Her body featured the neat digitigrade legs he'd gotten used to seeing on the aliens.

  But, her head and body were nothing like the species he'd seen on TV, nothing like the various Omnids and prads that his worldwide Resistance officers were building up reports on.

  As he tried to mentally tag her appearance, his mind could only arrive at a single thing that was only somewhat similar... a Protogen. One of those cyborg furry characters he'd sometimes seen at VRchat and convention artist alleys and social media.

  She had an elongated, dark head with a smooth quality to it, featuring rounded edges. Three eyes sat across the head, each one glowing crimson red, but utterly different from the Frontenachii Symbiote Weapons. The eyes were made up from a thousand pixels and had a distinctive, soft and curved-edge diamond form to them, expressive and alive. A digital mouth in a canid or perhaps draconic simplified shape sat below the eyes in a cute expression.

  Hexagonal patterns textured her metallic-black-silver skin, catching the light. Her hair was a mane of tube-like-hexagons, almost like sci-fi dreadlocks ending with blue lights at the tips.

  Two sharp, blade-like silver metal protrusions replaced her ears, framed with circular displays featuring pixelated hearts. A similar triangular display sat on her chest. Hexagonal displays on her shoulders featured two more pixelated hearts.

  She giggled at Kawathra’s comment, the seemingly solid snout coming apart to reveal pointy teeth. The sound of her laughter was soft and musical as if optimized to sound sweet.

  The pixelated hearts came apart and became ?? emojis painted in red pixels.

  The curves of her figure were… unusual to say the least. Uncanny even, excessively hourglass, like someone’s idea of compressed, excessive femininity, the chest and curvy behind far too big and round for the thin waist.

  Maksym’s heart did a somersault, fireworks exploding in his head. She was perfect, like the unexpected personification of his every dream about what a cyborg waifu might look like if she existed.

  Which she did. Right now. The cyborg waifu was definitely real.

  He blinked. Then grinned. This girl was clearly new to Earth, so the probability of her belonging to the Emperor of Earth’s absurd harem was low.

  "Okay, wow. Hi! New person!" He dropped the backpack of Ash’s smelly clothes on the nearest crystalline-organic couch and extended his hand towards his dream girl. "I'm Daxagon, or… Dax."

  The girl turned her dark head and stared at his hand, blade ears twitching. Her pixelated eye-trio shifted from amused to curious and she slowly reached out and took it.

  He noted that the metallic-looking hand felt warm and inexplicably soft, featuring slightly glowing, red, heart-like paw pads.

  Warm. She was warm, alive. Not cold like a robot would be.

  Maksym’s heartbeat accelerated into the stratosphere.

  "I’m… Katherine," she said. Her voice had a pleasant, slightly synthetic quality to it, almost like a really high-end text-to-speech GrawdGPT, but with a very distinct tone. "Katherine K. Belthys."

  "Belthys… hum?" Maksym contemplated. "Are you perchance related to our lovely Commander Galateya?"

  "In a way," Katherine's digital mouth shifted into a half-smile and then became serious again.

  She didn’t deign to specify how she was related to Galateya.

  A sister maybe? Or a cousin?

  He noticed that Kawathra was struggling to conceal a snickering expression.

  "What?" Maksym asked, looking between the magpie Datamancer and the new girl. "Did I miss something?"

  "Nothing," Kawathra said, her feathers ruffling.

  "You're new to our planet, right?" Maksym smiled at the pretty alien cyborg, wondering if she had some kind of a spooky scary skull like the Frontenachii under the animated pixelated smile.

  “Yes. I am very… new.” Katherine nodded.

  "Welcome to Earth then!” Maksym announced jovially, brushing back his blonde curls. “Sorry about the whole invasion thing. We're working on making it less terrible."

  "What?" Katherine blinked. "We're the ones invading you."

  "That's what we want you to think," Maksym wiggled his eyebrows.

  "Ah," she said, letting out a small chortle. "Comedy. That was a joke. You're joking.”

  "Maybe I am, maybe I'm not," Maksym stated nonchalantly. "Anyways. I must admit—You look absolutely stunning. Like someone took the idea of one of our VRchat furry cyborg avatars, dialed it up to twenty five, and then added this whole geometric aesthetic. Very cool. Love the hair lights and various screens."

  Red pixels ignited under Katherine's eyes, the displays flashing with fireworks. "T-thank you."

  Yes. This pretty alien girl was clearly weak to compliments. Mwa ha ha. Maksym thought, filing this critical intelligence away for future tactical deployment.

  Piotr climbed into the Seeker, followed by Linari and Etty.

  The wolf and her gun stared at Katherine.

  "Huh," Linari said, nose twitching as she sniffed the new arrival. "You smell like… a gun unit?"

  "And a vampire," Etty added with a red flash-beam, her three eyes flaring. "But then again everyone in Cascade smells like bloody vampires now."

  "This is Katherine Belthys," Kawathra introduced the cyborg to the trio. “She’s assuredly not a crystalloid. This is Linari, Piotr and Etty!”

  "Nice to meet you," Piotr stated.

  Stolen novel; please report.

  "Kawthy, that tells me literally nothing," Linari said flatly. "What the fuck is she?"

  "She's my new personal assistant," Kawathra interjected smoothly.

  Linari frowned, chewing on her lip. "Since when do you need a personal assistant? Don't you have enough gun units? Also, what species is she even? I'm smelling a lot of organic bits in between the hexamesh weave.”

  "A new species!" Kawathra grinned.

  "What," Linari asked with an even flatter tone. “The fuck you mean, new species? She’s one of ours, right? She doesn't smell like someone one hundred percent new.”

  "She WAS one of ours, yes. Katherine was terribly injured today," Kawathra explained. "Her superior, an Omnid Commander, accidentally perma-fried a third of her mind and body. Don't worry, Lin, Katherine's a sweetheart on... sick leave. I'm monitoring her while her mind recovers."

  "Oh," Linari's expression darkened. "The Incarnator can't…?"

  "It's not an issue the Incarnator would be able to fix, yep," Kawathra said. "Her mind and soul was partially damaged, sheared on a conceptual level. Even Phoenix Tears wouldn't be able to do much for her."

  "I... see," the wolf girl exhaled, sitting down on the crystalline couch and pulling Piotr into her embrace. "So you've made her a magitek body? I guess that's an option. Must have been a really incompetent Omnid to hurt her that much."

  Katherine's digital face frowned slightly, but she said nothing. Maksym figured she wasn't too happy about getting hurt. The cyborg appearance made sense now. Katherine was a prad kobold who got injured and received a fancy magitek body upgrade. This made her twice as cool in his mind.

  He immediately slid into the seat next to her, sliding an arm across the couch back behind her. "Hey, don't let the wolf-babe get you down. Incompetent bosses are a universal constant across all species. I've worked for three different bosses who couldn't find their ass with both hands and a map.”

  Katherine nodded, letting out a soft sigh.

  “Hey, Kat, are you, uh, joining us for Operation Hunt Aid?" he wondered.

  The cyborg tilted her head at him, as the Corpse Seeker took off. "Hunt... aid?"

  "Oh man, you're gonna love this!" Maksym began. "Here’s the general deets—my best bud Ash, total engineering nerd, absolute legend—is currently being hunted in Olympic National Forest by two extremely powerful cryptids armed with… paintball guns."

  "Why is your friend being hunted by two Omnid females with paint-projectile weapons?" the cute cyborg asked.

  "Relationship therapy!" Maksym spread his hands enthusiastically. "See, Teya—aka Galateya, his consort—she was feeling left out because Ash has been banging his other girlfriends too much and ignoring her. So this fox Skinwalker babe, Sage, whom they just met… suggested they hunt him for sport to restore Teya’s sense of power and control."

  "And how are we... helping?"

  "We're going to wear Ash's old shirts to throw off his scent in the forest. Plus we're going to wear V-rings that he's going to use to cast his voice." Maksym explained, pulling out one of the unwashed shirts from his backpack. "The idea is to create multiple false trails, confuse the hunters. Make the two Omnid girls think Ash is everywhere and nowhere."

  "I see," Katherine said. "So the plan is to... help Ash embarrass Galateya?"

  "Not embarrass!" Maksym corrected, waving his hands. "More like... provide tactical interference so Teya and Sage have to work much harder for their victory. You know, make it sporting!"

  "Sporting?" Katherine repeated. "Sounds more like you'll help him cheat."

  "Pfff. Omnid powers are the real cheat there," Maksym stated. "We're just equalizing the board and making… a Clifford House fun activity day out of it! A fun outing in the forest!”

  "Hrm," the cyborg mused. "Fine. I'm in."

  "Kawthy, can you drop us at the corner of Fifth and Main? There's a prank shop there that should have everything we need."

  "Affirmative," Kawathra chirped, the Seeker beginning its thundering descent down the mountainside road.

  "Prank shop?" Katherine asked. "What is the tactical value of pranks?"

  "Oh, you sweet summer cyborg," Maksym grinned. "Pranks are PEAK tactical. Wanna come into the shop with me?”

  “Sure.”

  The Seeker stopped in an alley behind Main Street. Maksym grabbed Katherine's hand, noting again how wonderfully warm and soft her metallic skin felt, and pulled her toward the exit.

  "Come on, Kat! Time to experience peak human commerce!"

  Maksym bounded down the crystalline-organic stairwell, down the street and through the shop door with Katherine in tow, the bell chiming overhead. "Here we are, Cascade Comedy Central!" he announced, waving his arms theatrically. "Advertised on the net as the one-stop shop for all pranking needs, costume supplies, and questionable party favors!"

  The store was crammed floor-to-ceiling with gag gifts, rubber masks, fake blood, whoopee cushions, and dozens of items that served no practical purpose beyond making people laugh or scream. A teenage clerk looked up from his phone, assessed Maksym and then gaped at his seven-foot-tall alien companion. "What the fff..." he bubbled. "What the shit is that dude?"

  "My girlfriend!" Maksym declared cheekily. "She's foreign.... Very foreign. Like, you wouldn't believe how foreign! Anyway, I need every stink bomb you have. Plus fart spray. Plus those snappers that make loud noises when you throw them. Maybe some party poppers. Anything that makes loud noises and smells bad really."

  "Uhhhmmm, stink bombs are in aisle three," the clerk answered. "Fart spray is next to the fake vomit, same aisle. Snappers are by the register."

  "Perfect!" Maksym grabbed a shopping basket and headed for aisle three. Katherine followed, digitigrade, metallic legs making soft clicking sounds on the linoleum.

  "Why did you introduce me as your... girlfriend?" she wondered.

  "Eh, didn't want to scare the kid into a total stupor." Maksym shrugged. "We're on a tight timeline and domestic statements like that tend to chill people out. You're single, right?"

  "Hrm." Katherine mulled. "A suspiciously direct question." She watched as the hyperactive, blue-eyed human plowed through the aisle, stuffing the basket full.

  "S'how I roll. I'm a very direct guy!" Maksym grabbed a handful of fart spray cans. "Life's too short to beat around the bush. Could explode at any moment. Plus you're killer-cute and I haven't been on a date since... uhhh... Two weeks? Yeah, that's about right!"

  Pink pixels flared under Katherine's eyes again, smile-emojis igniting on her displays. "You find me... Killer-cute?"

  "Are you kidding? Look at you!" Maksym gestured. "You're like someone designed the perfect combination of all the cool cyborg aesthetics and geometric art."

  "Kawathra did help make me this body," Katherine blushed with even more red pixels. "Under… my specifications."

  "Well, she did a great job," Maksym said. "Top notch prosthetics and whatever. It's got that neat pitch of the... uhh... Frontenachii weapons design to it without going overboard. And your voice has a pleasant synthetic quality that's somehow warmer than most biological voices I've heard."

  "Thank you, I, uhmm, calibrated it myself," Katherine said.

  Maksym loaded his shopping basket with an arsenal of prank warfare.

  Katherine followed him to the next aisle, three eyes curiously tracking his movements. "Daxagon?" she voiced.

  "Das my name, sup?" He examined a package of party poppers.

  "That's an unusual human name."

  "Oh, that's because it's not my real name." Maksym tossed the poppers into the basket. "Back in college, my gaming buddies started calling me Dax because nobody could pronounce my full name without mangling it. Then I added the 'agon' part because it sounded cooler.”

  “So your real name is…”

  “Maksymilian Drzewiecki. Try saying that three times fast."

  Katherine's digital mouth shifted into a thoughtful expression. "Maksymilian Drzewiecki" She repeated in his own voice at 3 times the accelerated rate.

  "Hey," he elbowed her. "That's cheating! You can't just replay my voice back at triple speed!"

  "You didn't specify the rules," Katherine's pixel-mouth curved up into a smirk. "Besides, your last name is easy to pronounce. Polish, correct? The 'Drze' is just 'djeh' and 'wiecki' is 'vee-eh-tzki'. Simple phonetics."

  "Okay, now you're just showing off." Maksym grabbed another handful of stink bombs. "Say, how many languages you got loaded in that fancy head of yours?"

  "All of them," Katherine replied. "Every human language. Every prad dialect. Most Omnid variants too, excluding the eldritch entropic or Omnicode."

  "Hold up." Maksym piled his purchases to the checkout booth. "You can speak every language? Like, every single one?"

  "Yes."

  "Say something in Finnish!"

  Katherine rattled off a sentence that sounded like someone gargling marbles while having a seizure.

  "What did you just call me?" Maksym asked, understanding only a single word—his name.

  "'The hyperactive Max-human is purchasing weapons-grade flatulence spray to terrorize the unprepared forest cryptids,'" Katherine translated.

  Maksym burst out laughing. "Okay, that's amazing. Do Swahili!"

  Katherine's synthetic voice took on different tone, outputting the unique flow of East African speech patterns.

  "What did that mean?" Maksym paid for his haul of pranking materials.

  "'This human male is compensating for something with excessive purchasing behavior,'" Katherine translated.

  "HEY!" Maksym protested, shoving stink bombs into his backpack. "I'm not compensating for anything! This is tactical equipment for a... legitimate military operation!"

  "A military operation involving paintball guns for… relationship counseling?" the cyborg raised a digital eyebrow.

  "Exactly!" Maksym zipped up his bag. "Very serious business! Life and death stakes. Emotional wellbeing on the scales! Come on, we need to hit the diving shop next."