I didn't run far.

  In fact, I barely made it fifty feet into the treeline before I stopped, crouched behind a massive Douglas fir, and activated the gun unit headband's enhanced auditory sensors.

  Suddenly, I could hear everything around me from the rustling of pine needles to the distant cry of a hawk. Most importantly, I could focus the magitek device specifically to pick up Sage and Galateya's conversation from the distant parking lot.

  "The key to good marksmanship," Sage's voice came through, "is to not think about it too hard..."

  I pulled out my tablet from a belt pouch and opened CrawdGPT, typing quickly:

  While the AI processed, I started moving. I didn't head away from the parking lot, instead moving around it in a wide circle that would hopefully confuse Sage's tracking. The gun unit exoskeleton didn't tire me out as I traversed over uneven terrain. There was no lactic acid buildup, no burning lungs, no cramping muscles. Just smooth, mechanical gait.

  The chatbot's response popped up:

  I smiled. Continue to circle the parking lot it was, then. Create a confusing spiral of scent trails while I gathered intelligence about my hunters’ plans.

  "I've never hunted anything," Galateya voiced.

  I opened telegram and texted Dax:

  [Emperor of Earth ?_?]: Being hunted by Galateya and Skinwalker fox with paintball guns. Need evasion tips. CrawdGPT suggests circles and water crossings. Thoughts?

  [Zorro(╯°Z°）╯]: bro wtf. Why are you being hunted by your own consort and a Skinwalker??? Where did you even find a Skinwalker?

  [Emperor of Earth ?_?]: long story. Sage is one of the local Skinwalkers…

  I quickly explained to Dax the events of this morning, starting with the flop of Count Chocula plan and ending with me agreeing to be hunted down for sport.

  [Zorro(╯°Z°）╯]: that's all sorts of whack ??

  Dax replied after I was done ranting about my morning.

  [Zorro(╯°Z°）╯]: so you volunteered as tribute? very noble.

  [Emperor of Earth ?_?]: sacrifices had to be made. Teya froze the hell outta the entire Books and Nooks cafe and made Keiy into a gunsicle

  [Zorro(╯°Z°）╯]: LMAOOOOO

  [Emperor of Earth ?_?]: Keiy didn't think it was funny

  [Zorro(╯°Z°）╯]: poor gun bae. anyway, ur dealing with a magical dragon and fox yes?

  [Emperor of Earth ?_?]: Skinwalker who ate over 9000 fox souls.

  [Zorro(╯°Z°）╯]: ...

  [Zorro(╯°Z°）╯]: bro

  [Zorro(╯°Z°）╯]: BRO

  [Zorro(╯°Z°）╯]: you are SO FUCKED

  [Emperor of Earth ?_?]: thanks for the vote of confidence

  [Zorro(╯°Z°）╯]: 9000 fox souls prolly means 9000 fox worth of hunting instincts. she probably smells you from orbit. why are all your girlfriends walking WMDs?

  [Emperor of Earth ?_?]: Sage is not my girlfriend

  [Zorro(╯°Z°）╯]: YET. give it 5 hours max. you're gonna wife that fox aren't you

  [Emperor of Earth ?_?]: …

  [Zorro(╯°Z°）╯]: CALLED IT! ?? anyway. what are the rules of this hunt?

  I paused behind a thick cedar.

  [Emperor of Earth ?_?]: no vehicles, stay in forest, I have 22 min head start, six hours duration, if they catch me, teya and sage get to ask one completely honest question each

  [Zorro(╯°Z°）╯]: and if you WIN?

  [Emperor of Earth ?_?]: I get to ask each of them one completely honest question

  [Zorro(╯°Z°）╯]: I see. what would you even ask?

  [Emperor of Earth ?_?]: haven't thought that far ahead

  [Zorro(╯°Z°）╯]: liar. you're ALWAYS thinking 10 steps ahead. you probably have 3 contingency plans already

  [Emperor of Earth ?_?]: the planning is happening right now

  [Zorro(╯°Z°）╯]: aight. ok so. rules say no vehicles FOR YOU, right? doesn't say anything about ME bringing you supplies

  [Emperor of Earth ?_?]: go on

  [Zorro(╯°Z°）╯]: they will track u by smell, yeah?

  [Emperor of Earth ?_?]: yes

  [Zorro(╯°Z°）╯]: so we OVERWHELM their nose. I can hit up the prank shop downtown, grab every stink bomb, fart spray, and nasty smell thing they got. crack them all open along your escape trail, create a CLOUD of olfactory war crimes

  You could be reading stolen content. Head to the original site for the genuine story.

  [Emperor of Earth ?_?]: i like the way you think

  [Zorro(╯°Z°）╯]: gotta show the aliens who's the real predator round these parts. I can also grab ropes, climbing gear, maybe some of those party poppers that make loud noises

  [Emperor of Earth ?_?]: bring some food too, I'll probably get hungry. Hmm. Bring food for girls in a takeout container. write "to Sage and Teya, thought you could use a snack". Sabotage it with pepper or something. no... glitter! Be creative.

  [Zorro(╯°Z°）╯]: gotya

  Sage yelled excitedly: "YESSS! First shot! Perfect hit! Steve's gonna think twice before stealing sandwiches now!"

  [Emperor of Earth ?_?]: they're shooting seagulls

  [Zorro(╯°Z°）╯]: why

  [Emperor of Earth ?_?]: target practice

  [Zorro(╯°Z°）╯]: on SEAGULLS?

  [Emperor of Earth ?_?]: Sage says they're all guilty of being smug bastards

  [Zorro(╯°Z°）╯]: I love her already. gimme me your location

  [Emperor of Earth ?_?]: goodlemaps/88473...

  I shared the link to my phone's GPS tracker

  [Emperor of Earth ?_?]: wait.

  [Zorro(╯°Z°）╯]: yea?

  [Emperor of Earth ?_?]: you're in my house still?

  [Zorro(╯°Z°）╯]: where else would I be?

  [Emperor of Earth ?_?]: go to the laundry room in the basement. Put on my most smelly shirts and shove rest into a backpack. tell Piotr and Linari to do the same. Drive them both here and ask them to run around the park. Multiple me scents!

  [Zorro(╯°Z°）╯]: oh that's fucking devious

  [Emperor of Earth ?_?]: also, stop at the Pier Shark shop n rent me a diving mask n oxygen tank.

  [Zorro(╯°Z°）╯]: A DIVING MASK? IN A FOREST HUNT? ??

  [Emperor of Earth ?_?]: Lake Crescent is right there. Can't smell or hear me underwater

  [Zorro(╯°Z°）╯]: ok Sun Tzu calm down. isnt Teya a taniwha?

  [Emperor of Earth ?_?]: yes, Teya is a water dragon, but I doubt that she has enough experience to chase me underwater.

  [Zorro(╯°Z°）╯]: lotta wat-ifs

  [Emperor of Earth ?_?]: I'll need more distractions and ways to misdirect them. What's the most annoying sound on earth?

  [Zorro(╯°Z°）╯]: your mom's voice asking when you're getting married?

  [Emperor of Earth ?_?]: besides that

  [Zorro(╯°Z°）╯]: vuvuzelas? those annoying plastic horns from soccer games?

  [Emperor of Earth ?_?]: those aren't remote operated. ?? Oh! Voicecast rings can broadcast my voice to places where I am not. Ask Linari to make you a voicecast ring. No, several rings!

  Sage voiced in the background : "Real talk, T. Even if you don't want a relationship with me… I'll take your friendship."

  Oh wow, feeling revelations. A curious depth to the Skinwalker fox.

  [Zorro(╯°Z°）╯]: asked Linari for the rings. Etty is breaking a wall to make em. You really this dedicated to kicking their ass, eh? What is your goal here? Why not just get caught and answer two questions?

  [Emperor of Earth ?_?]: ill get caught if and when I feel like it

  [Zorro(╯°Z°）╯]: uh-huh

  [Emperor of Earth ?_?]: wat

  [Zorro(╯°Z°）╯]: you already have THREE girlfriends. T H R E E. that's already 2 more than most guys get in a LIFETIME

  [Emperor of Earth ?_?]: teya isn't my girlfriend she's my political consort.

  [Emperor of Earth ?_?]: and Sage sounds like she's a lot into teya. I think that sage would be good for teya. She needs friends who aren't trapped in the Frontenachii hierarchy. Sage is completely outside that system

  [Zorro(╯°Z°）╯]: and how does that benefit YOU specifically?

  [Emperor of Earth ?_?]: it doesn't? I'm trying to help teya be less isolated and depressed.

  [Zorro(╯°Z°）╯]: ash. bro. homie. you told me you about to be BLOOD BOUND to this fox girl through teya. you realize that right? she's gonna be her knight. that puts her in YOUR circle by extension

  [Emperor of Earth ?_?]: and?

  [Zorro(╯°Z°）╯]: and your domestic situation is evolving into a sitcom. "My Cryptid Girlfriends Can't Possibly Be This Cute"

  [Emperor of Earth ?_?]: you watch too much anime

  [Zorro(╯°Z°）╯]: YOU LIVE TOO MUCH ANIME

  [Emperor of Earth ?_?]: U jelly?

  [Zorro(╯°Z°）╯]: maybe. Can I have the fox if ur not into her?

  [Emperor of Earth ?_?]: ...

  [Zorro(╯°Z°）╯]: ?

  [Emperor of Earth ?_?]: how would u even handle a Skinwalker who melts your brain constantly by looking too hot?

  [Zorro(╯°Z°）╯]: I'd wear a bucket on my head. problem solved

  [Emperor of Earth ?_?]: lol you know, that sorta thing did work ?? when I met her last year, she was in a full body cosplay. We chatted for like twenty minutes

  [Zorro(╯°Z°）╯]: WAIT. WAIT WAIT WAIT

  [Zorro(╯°Z°）╯]: you MET Sage BEFORE???

  [Emperor of Earth ?_?]: yeah at ECCC last year. she had a booth selling cosplay prints of herself

  [Zorro(╯°Z°）╯]: and you DIDN'T TELL ME THIS???

  [Emperor of Earth ?_?]: it didn't seem relevant? I talked to a lot of vendors that day

  [Zorro(╯°Z°）╯]: more deets plz

  [Emperor of Earth ?_?]: She gave me a print of herself as that thief girl from that pirate anime in a tiniest bikini possible. She wrote her gram number on the back

  [Zorro(╯°Z°）╯]: AND YOU DIDN'T PM HER?????

  [Emperor of Earth ?_?]: I thought she was bamboozling me into buying lewds. She gave her gram number and free pics to a bunch of fat nerds too

  [Zorro(╯°Z°）╯]: ash. ASH. my guy. my DUDE. you are literally the densest motherfucker alive

  [Emperor of Earth ?_?]: shush u. I scoped her Instagram from the URL on the photo. She had like 150k followers and posted endless thirst traps. nothing but ass pics w links to her gonelyfans. I honestly thought that they were all AI generated or shopped. Gave me this... uncanny perfect ass vibe. Asses don't look that good in reality.

  [Zorro(╯°Z°）╯]: so what you're telling me is that the universe has been trying to hook you up with this foxgirl for OVER A YEAR and you were too dense to notice. Is her ass actually that good IRL?

  [Emperor of Earth ?_?]: yes. Yes it is. It's incredibly distracting

  [Zorro(╯°Z°）╯]: you know what? I'm charging you for this hunt ass-istance operation

  [Emperor of Earth ?_?]: charging me what?

  [Zorro(╯°Z°）╯]: cryptid waifus. future tense. you clearly have a talent for collecting them. I expect to be paid in referrals

  [Emperor of Earth ?_?]: you want me to... wingman you with cryptids?

  [Zorro(╯°Z°）╯]: EXACTLY. I want IN on this economy. You got fox, dragon, wendigo and cat. Piotr has magpie and wolf. I am technically his superior and I get NOTHING? That's not a fair distribution of supernatural pussy

  [Emperor of Earth ?_?]: that's the worst sentence you've ever typed

  [Zorro(╯°Z°）╯]: worst sentence YET. I have many more in the chamber. anyway I got all your stank shirts.

  [Zorro(╯°Z°）╯]: holy fuck dude when was the last time you did laundry?

  [Emperor of Earth ?_?]: I haven't had time for such trivialities dis week. or week before that. moving is time consuming, don't judge me

  [Zorro(╯°Z°）╯]: right.?? ok. I got a v-ring. Also, slight problem

  [Emperor of Earth ?_?]: what kind of problem?

  [Zorro(╯°Z°）╯]: Linari refuses to help. says and I quote "what's in it for me? I should be pretending to look for vamps anyway today"

  [Emperor of Earth ?_?]: tell her she can pretend to look for vamps in the forest and if she still not down, call kawathra in front of her on the v-ring. Just say ‘voicecast Datamancer Kawathra’

  [Zorro(╯°Z°）╯]: k

  I continued my circle around the parking lot, placing my feet deliberately on rocks and harder ground where possible. The gun unit made it easy, no stumbling, no accidental branch snapping, only smooth, easy movement.

  Through the magitek mic, I caught Sage's timer beeping.

  "Ah! It is time! Shall we?"

  Shit. Twenty-two minutes up already.

  My phone vibrated.

  [Zorro(╯°Z°）╯]: THAT WORKED

  [Zorro(╯°Z°）╯]: wolf went from "absolutely not" lazy face to "I will absolutely outperform bird" in 0.5 seconds when kawthy showed up on the v-ring hologram and agreed to help

  [Emperor of Earth ?_?]: told you

  [Zorro(╯°Z°）╯]: Kawthy is going to pick us up in corpse seeker. says “it's way faster than inferior human cars”. Aight see u in a bit, hang tight, gonna stop at the shops for diving gear and prank stuff ??