"Say," I said, returning from my bathroom trip to plop back onto her fuzzy stomach, "Monstress. Can you at least give me a guesstimate of what you are? Safe? Euclid? Keter?"

  “The fuck are those?”

  “SCP classification. Goodle it, you damned tablet hoarder.”

  “Aight.”

  She tapped her claws on my phone screen for a few minutes, glowing eyes rapidly flashing left and right.

  "Heh. Thaumiel," she said finally, licking ice cream off the spoon.

  “Care to elaborate?”

  "I'm a beneficial monstress that helps contain other anomalies."

  "What other anomalies? What have you contained recently with the exception of that ice cream?"

  "I’m containing your terrible taste in women." She grinned with pearly whites.

  "My dating life isn’t an anomaly.”

  She eyed me snidely. I pressed play.

  On the TV screen, beachgoers frolicked in ignorant bliss. Shady's tail tightened around my waist as the ominous music began.

  "You know," I said, "for someone who claims not to be clingy, you're basically using me as a weighted blanket."

  "You're sitting on ME. If anything, you're the clingy one."

  "Because you took up the entire couch!"

  "Details." She waved the spoon dismissively, accidentally flinging a glob of mint chocolate chip onto my gray shirt. "Oops."

  "Shady!"

  "That shirt was crying out for some pizzazz. Your fashion choices in general are far too… hmmm… generic. Have you considered wearing something with more colors or shapes?"

  “You aren’t even wearing anything.”

  “I’ve ten million wardrobe closets back home. Sacrifices were made.” She sniffed dramatically.

  “Sure you do, you woodland creature.”

  I grabbed a paper towel from the coffee table, noting that she'd raided the kitchen for supplies during my quick trip upstairs. An impressive snack arsenal covered the old, Victorian coffee table: chips, cookies, and an entire box set of crackers.

  "Did you leave anything in the pantry?"

  "The expired pancake mix."

  "How considerate."

  The first shark attack happened. Shady barely flinched, more interested in excavating a particularly large scoop from the nearly empty ice cream container.

  "Rookie mistake," she commented. "Swimming at night in unfamiliar waters. That's like walking into a dark forest wearing a meat suit and yelling 'here, cryptid cryptid!'"

  "Is that how one summons cryptids?"

  "Depends on the cryptid. I prefer a nice civilized text message. 'Hey Shady, wanna hang out and eat all my food?'"

  "I don't have your number."

  "Yeah, 'cause you gave your phone to some vampire thot instead of asking for mine."

  "I didn't give her my phone. I gave her nothing. She gave ME her number."

  "Same difference." She finally looked at the screen as Quint made his entrance. "Oh, I like this guy. He's got that 'I've seen some shit' energy."

  "He's basically you but with boats instead of antlers."

  "I'm way prettier."

  "Debatable."

  She gasped dramatically, clutching her chest with her free hand. "How dare! I'll have you know I was voted Miss Cryptid three years running in the Greater Pacific Northwest region."

  "By who?"

  "The judges."

  "What judges?"

  "The ones who judge the Miss Cryptid pageant, obviously."

  I reached for the chips. Her tail intercepted, wrapping around my wrist.

  "Toll required," she said.

  "What toll? These are my chips that I bought with my money—"

  "One compliment about how I'm prettier than both Quint and your vampire GF."

  "She's not my gf!"

  "Compliment first, chips later."

  I sighed. "You're... definitely more interesting than Quint."

  "And?"

  "And you have sharper teeth than a shark."

  "That's not about the vampire."

  "Oh my god, so picky.” I rolled my eyes, wondering where my life had gone wrong. “Okay. You're prettier than North because..." I paused looking at her. The afternoon light through the stained glass windows painted her dark fur in jewel tones, silver eyes reflecting the TV's glow. Even with green ice cream on her snout, there was something otherworldly about her, like looking at a forest spirit that had decided to binge Netflix. "Because you're you. Weird antlers, cute, soft fuzz, tall and curvy cryptid nonsense, and all. Your sense of humor is aight too, even if it throws off the whole creepy cryptid look."

  Her tail loosened slightly. "That was almost romantic. Have a nom." She released my wrist.

  I grabbed the chips, pretending I hadn't meant what I said. "Don't let it go to your antlers."

  "Too late. My ego's expanding. Soon I won't fit through doorways."

  If you encounter this narrative on Amazon, note that it's taken without the author's consent. Report it.

  "You barely fit through them now."

  "I'll have you know I'm perfectly doorway-sized. It's your puny human architecture that's inadequate."

  Chief Brody on screen was having a very bad time. Shady had moved on from ice cream to cookies, somehow getting crumbs all over me despite being mostly under me.

  My tablet buzzed. I eyed her.

  "Vampire girlfriend's texting you?”

  "What? Give me that—"

  “Nu.”

  "Shady, give me my tablet."

  "Nope. I'm protecting you from poor life choices. Very demanding job. No breaks."

  "What if it's important?"

  "What could be more important than watching shark monstah movies with your bestie?"

  "I don't know, maintaining social connections with actual humans?"

  "Overrated. Humans are terrible. Mortal, dumb, soft, squishy and boring."

  "I'm human."

  "Yeah, but you're MY human. That makes you marginally less worthless."

  I tried to grab the tablet again. This time she stuffed it under her butt, using her body weight as the ultimate security system.

  "Now it's in cryptid jail," she announced. "Visiting hours are never."

  "What if someone's dying?"

  "Then they'll die without disturbing our movie time. Very considerate of them."

  The shark exploded on screen. Shady was preoccupied with wiggling her behind to better trap my tablet.

  "You know," I said, "most people would consider this behavior toxic."

  "Good thing I'm not a people then."

  "Most cryptids?"

  "Pff. Most cryptids are dicks who'd chop up and stuff you into a suitcase. I'm nice. You should be honored."

  "I'm soooo honored."

  "Exactly! See, you're learning."

  We chatted more about inane things, commenting on the film. In no time at all, we had somehow gone through several more films with Shady occasionally shifting her position on the couch.

  For dinner, I cooked us pasta and meatballs with the resident cryptid criticising and offering me advice all throughout.

  Having devoured dinner, we ended up sitting together in front of the TV, Shady digging through the DVD box looking for more monster-adjacent films.

  “Don’t you have some kinda streaming service?” she wondered.

  “The Internet is still not set up,” I said. “The fiber optic cable box is getting installed tomorrow.”

  “Sweet,” she commented, setting sun lighting up her dark figure with orange rays breaking through the dusty stained glass.

  The light caught the silver freckles on her face, making them shimmer like actual stars. For a moment, she looked less like a cryptid and more like something ancient and sad.

  "Hey Ash?" Her voice suddenly lost its usual playful edge. "You know how I'm… stupid?"

  "You literally just spent the last twenty minutes explaining the social dynamics of the cryptid pageant circuit," I said. "I don't think that—"

  "I'm gonna be even stupider tomorrow."

  "What?" My head snapped to her face. “Aight, what’s the punchline here?”

  “No punchline. I’m going to be incredibly dumb tomorrow.” She refused to meet my eyes, suddenly fascinated with a loose button on the couch. "Like, way dumb. Might not even remember your name for a bit. Or my name. Or how to talk."

  "Shady, what are you talking about? Why are you going to be dumb?"

  "I... I swallowed a bunch of brain spiders."

  "What." I stared at her. “Where did you even find…?”

  “It doesn’t matter where the spiders came from,” she stated briskly.

  “…”

  “They’re doing their biz in my brain now. When they’re done, I won’t be me for a bit.”

  “Won’t be you?”

  She slid across the couch, her hands capturing mine. Her thumbs found my wrists, pressing against my pulse points.

  “Hrmmm… your heart’s beating fast.”

  "Yes. Because you just fucking told me you ate brain spiders!"

  "Shhh." Her grip tightened slightly. "I need you to make a decision, Ash. Right now.”

  “What decision?”

  “Are you gonna be my best friend? The boy who built blanket forts with me and shared his PB&J sandwiches? Or are you gonna keep making plans in that nerdy brain of yours about how to sell me to that million-dollar whateva-Randy-foundation?"

  My pulse hammered under her touch. "I... Shady, I need honesty here. Real honesty. You can’t expect me to… do stuff for you without giving me any kind of clarity about whom you’re running from or why you’re here."

  She was quiet for so long I thought she wouldn't answer.

  "I did something really bad." The words came out in a rush. "And I need to forget. In case they find me and ask questions. Plus not being me will throw ‘em off the trail."

  "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard," I said. "Brain spiders? Memory erasure? Come on, isn’t there something else that…"

  "Nope. Brain spiders are already in my head." She gave me a weak smile. "They're probably spinning their little webs in my grey matter as we speak. No takebacks on the memory loss."

  "How long are you going to be stupid?"

  “Don’t know. Maybe a week or two?”

  “Why don’t you know?” I growled. “What if you stay stupid forever? What if… you go feral and eat me?”

  “I won’t go feral.” She shook her jet-black mane. “I’ll be me, just a blank, confused version of me. I’ll imprint on the first thing I see—which if you choose to take care of me, would be you.”

  “And if I tell you… no?”

  “Then I’ll go live in the forest for a bit. Where I’ll imprint on nothing and possibly eat a few hikers.”

  I pursed my lips as I stared at her, this absurd monstress who'd suddenly invaded my life and somehow made me care about her in the span of a single day. Perhaps the smart thing would be to kick her back out into the forest. Her thumbs were still on my pulse, and her silver glowing eyes were… scared.

  How could a big, muscular thing like her even be scared?

  “Can you not tell me about what you did and who you are running from?”

  “The less you know… the safer you will be. Just take care of my dumb self for a bit, teach me basic stuff till I get myself back fully together.”

  “Fully?”

  “99%,” she said. “I will simply be missing a few days of terrible memories.”

  “About the things you’ve done?”

  “Yes.”

  I sighed.

  "Okay," I said.

  "Okay?"

  "I'll take care of you. Help you through whatever brain spider bullshit you are going through."

  Her whole body seemed to sag with relief. "Really?"

  "Yeah, sure. As much as I dislike how cryptic you are… you’re also the most incredible thing to have happened to me.”

  “Oh?”

  “Not everyday does one’s house get infested with a genuine cryptid.”

  "Ah. Ash?"

  "Yeah?"

  "If I get really stupid and try to eat your shoes or something, just... be patient?"

  "How stupid are we talking here?"

  "Like... golden retriever with a concussion stupid. Might forget I'm not actually a dog."

  "Jesus Christ, Shady."

  "I know." She leaned against me, body warm, fuzzy and extra-solid. "I'm sorry. I just... I couldn't think of anywhere else to go, can't really trust anyone else. You won’t take advantage of me, yeah?"

  “I won’t take advantage of you,” I said. “I won’t sell you to the government or whatever.”

  “Thank you.” She let go of my wrists.

  The sun had fully set now, leaving us in the blue-grey dimness of twilight.

  “Here,” her tail plopped my tablet into my lap. I turned it on. The only messages there were from Dax, ranting about his engineering work at the Polish Space Agency and asking how my job search, decrepit mansion and cute doggo were going.

  "What if someone comes looking for you while you're... compromised?" I asked.

  Shady's ears flattened against her head. "They won't find me if I'm not me..." She trailed off, shaking her head violently. "The spiders are already working. I can feel them crawling around, making little new web bridges between my neurons."

  "That's deeply disturbing imagery."

  "You think hearing about it is bad? Try feeling it." She pressed her palms against her temples. "Like tiny legs tiptoeing across your thoughts, wrapping them up in Astral silk..."

  "When will you stop being you?"

  "Soon. Maybe a few hours. I'll probably pass out first, then wake up all..." She made a vague gesture with her hands. "Drr Drr Durrrr."

  "Technical term?"

  "Very technical." She attempted a smile, featuring too many teeth. "Ash, I need you to promise me something else."

  "What now?"

  "Just... Don't leave me alone, kay? I'm… scared of the dark."