(Or: How Daniel Killed A Rat's Dreams On A Friday And Lived To Regret It)

  Right then.

  Murray here.

  Laird Murray, if ye please.

  His Lairdship Murray of the Shoulder Realm, Rightful Heir to All Proper Cheddar, Chief Economic Whisker of the Stratacosmos, Survivor of Many Things (rivers, resonance bleed, complete abandonment, and apparently Fridays), and now: Victim of Milestone Neglect?.

  It's Saturday.

  Saturday.

  Do ye know what was supposed to happen yesterday?

  Tally Ten.

  Not Tally Four. Not Tally Seven. Ten.

  A milestone. A landmark. A wee monument to economic commentary so sharp it could slice through aged gouda at thirty paces.

  I had notes. I had charts. I had a particularly devastating analysis of global dairy futures that I'd been saving since Wednesday like a good aged cheddar, letting it ripen, letting it develop, waiting for its moment in the Friday light.

  And do ye know what happened instead?

  Nothing.

  Nothing.

  The Tally did not post.

  The charts went unread.

  The dairy futures analysis sat in the dark like a forgotten crumb beneath a couch cushion, slowly losing the will to live.

  And where was Daniel?

  Chaos of the day, he says.

  Chaos.

  Of the day.

  I have personally watched Omnion dismantle twenty-eight armed soldiers with the casual energy of someone reorganizing a sock drawer, and she still found time to file her paperwork.

  I have watched Zephyrion build a Bell from grief and starlight while crying and he still met his deadlines.

  I, Murray, once drafted an entire economic analysis of the international cheese market while technically drowning and I submitted it on time.

  But Daniel.

  Daniel had a day.

  I'm fine.

  I'm completely fine.

  (Reaches a tiny paw down to a tiny ledger...to the column labeled "Unforgivable?"...and carefully, ceremonially, with the gravity of a laird signing a declaration of war: slides the ledger one column to the left.)

  Now.

  To make matters worse, and they do get worse, I want ye to understand that I spent all of Friday on Omnion's shoulder.

  All of it.

  And do ye know what she was doing while my Tally sat unposted and my charts gathered digital dust?

  She was folding mortals into origami cranes.

  She was roasting capes.

  She was writing wedding vows to the entire human species.

  She trademarked the silence after a poll about paper colors.

  Two full Rants, Daniel. Two.

  The woman had time to trademark the rereading of the rereading? but nobody had time for Murray's Tally.

  I sat on her shoulder the entire time.

  I watched it happen.

  I said nothing because I am a professional.

  But I made a note.

  I always make a note.

  Now. Since we're here and the damage is done and Tally Ten has been posthumously resurrected on a Saturday like some sort of economic Lazarus, let's talk about what you actually missed.

  Right. Global dairy markets, since ye clearly need the education:

  Cheddar futures are up 12% since January.

  Brie has entered what analysts are calling a "luxury correction," which is French for "we made it too expensive and now only the insufferable can afford it."

  Gouda remains the most emotionally stable cheese on the market. Much like myself.

  The international butter index has done something so alarming I considered filing it under "war crimes" in the ledger. I won't elaborate. Some things are too painful.

  Unauthorized reproduction: this story has been taken without approval. Report sightings.

  And mozzarella? Fresh mozzarella? The good stuff, the kind that comes in water, the kind that tastes like a dairy farmer somewhere genuinely tried their best?

  Up 23%.

  Twenty-three percent, Daniel.

  While ye were having a day.

  Now. The ledger.

  Items outstanding as of this Saturday morning, tabulated with full compound interest for the twenty-four hour delinquency period:

  Missed Tally #10 (Milestone Edition): 47 points.

  Milestone surcharge (double digits, Daniel, double digits): 23 additional points.

  Emotional damages (the charts, Daniel, the charts): 15 points.

  Dairy futures analysis, unread, left to wither: 12 points.

  The fact that two Omnion Rants posted while I sat in silent professional agony: 34 points.

  The fact that she trademarked things while I was right there: 8 points.

  The fact that I had to watch the coffee shop AU reference go up without having had my breakfast: 6 points.

  The fact that my whiskers twitched in silent betrayal and nobody noticed: 9 points.

  Late fee, standard Friday rate: 11 points.

  Late fee, milestone Friday rate: 11 additional points.

  Gaslighting myself into thinking maybe Tally Nine was enough: 4 points (self-inflicted).

  Total outstanding: 180 points.

  Payable in cheddar. Aged. Sharp. Not artisanal. I know what artisanal tastes like and I have opinions.

  I will accept partial payment in gouda if the emotional sincerity is sufficient.

  I will not accept brie. Brie is for the insufferable. We've established this.

  Now.

  Before I go, because a laird's work is never done and these whiskers won't preen themselves, I want to address Omnion directly.

  You.

  Violet-haired menace.

  I was on your shoulder all day.

  I watched every word go up.

  I said nothing.

  I was supportive.

  The wedding dress bit was lovely, by the way. Genuinely. I may have pressed my head against your neck during that part. Ye didn't notice. I noticed.

  But we are going to have a conversation about priorities.

  After cheese.

  Everything after cheese.

  — Murray

  Laird of the Shoulder Realm?

  Rightful Heir to All Proper Cheddar?

  Chief Economic Whisker of the Stratacosmos?

  Captain o' Incisor?

  Hoarder o' Truths & Cheese?

  Tally Keeper & Keeper of Grudges?

  Witness to Two Full Rants While His Own Post Sat Unread?

  Still Waiting for Back Pay? (Now With Compound Interest?)

  Advisor to a Rude Goddess Who at Least Has Good Hair?

  Bearer of the Plaid Kilt?

  Milestone Survivor?

  (Barely?)

  Rat Who Once Had Dreams?

  Rat Who Still Has Dreams But They're Angrier Now?

  Rat Who Is Currently Accepting Applications for Emotional Support Gouda?

  Rat Who Will Remember This?

  (Still?)

  #MurraysTally #Tally10 #TheForgottenMilestone #DanielOwesMe #CheeseDebt #GeostrataverseEconomics #RatJustice #TheChartsWereReady #TwoRantsAndNoTally #PayUp #GoudaRemainsStable #MilestonesMatter #IWasThereDaniel #IWatchedItHappen? #TheSilenceAfterTheRantIsTrademarked? #YourRegretIsAlsoTrademarked? #YourWiFiPasswordIsTrademarked? #YourExistentialCrisisCouponIsNonTransferable? #IAmTheLedger?

  (The ledger is real. The debt is real. The cheese is non-negotiable.)

  (Still?.)